Hi, This is the first time I've ever posted to a forum like this. I usually vent to my husband who has his share of advice and thinks he's helping me, but sometimes it feels like he doesn't understand what I'm going through. But I feel like I'm letting him down each time I have one of, what I've dubbed, "episodes." Roughly 10 years ago, out of the blue I had a sleepless night. I thought nothing of it. Came home from work early and then took a nap. But then it continued and continued. Soon I was obsessing about not getting a night's sleep. So I went to the doctor and got put on Paxil, got Ambien and went with it. I had just moved in with my soon-to-be husband at that time, was planning a wedding and really wasn't happy in my job. So I chalked it up to good old stress. After about a year on the A/D, quitting my job and feeling the stress had died down, I seemed OK. Eventually I weaned off of the Paxil, partially because of the weight gain and the stigma of being on an antidepressant. My next episode occurred when I gave birth to my son about 5 years later. I had terrible post-partum depression. I think part of it was brought on by my lack of sleep and the old fears of insomnia that were still somewhere in my head. I ended up going back on an A/D, a different one my OB/GYN prescribed for the post-partum and was seeing a cognitive-behavioral therapist. But she and I didn't click, and neither did the medicine. I was a mess -- wasn't eating, hated the baby, couldn't sleep, cried all the time. My husband didn't know what to do with me. I saw one psychiatrist who was useless, and then ended up going to another psychiatrist who did some talk therapy with me and put me on Prozac. The Prozac eventually helped I spent over a year talking with him, but didn't feel like the therapy itself was doing anything. On and off in between I've had some other relapses. I've had several instances where I wean myself off of the A/D, have a good run for a while, but then relapse into another insomnia episode that triggers my depressive feelings. I was off Prozac for my entire pregnancy with my second daughter, but went back on it directly after as a precautionary measure against another post-partum depression event. I do think that depression and anxiety is part of it, and I have a relatively negative attitude a lot of the time and get angry mood/swings often. I recently tried a new birth control pill and the hormones really messed me up. I was violent, angry and yelled. I do a lot of yelling and get bent out of shape for nothing sometimes. I think most of my problems are linked to this stupid fear I have of insomnia. The idea is always in the back of my head that maybe this will be the night that I don't fall asleep and the cycle will begin anew. I dream of a hypnotist putting me under and taking out the negative thoughts -- somehow I haven't managed to reprogram my brain not to think this way. I don't sleep in the same room as my husband, fearing any little noise or his snoring will keep me up and trigger panic. I don't enjoy going on vacations or sleeping out because of the different environment. Two days ago my daughter was fussing at night and stressed me out. I couldn't fall asleep. Naturally the insomnia thoughts crept back in and now it's been 3 days of crappy nights' sleep only alleviated slightly by a few extra Xanax pills I had from an old prescription. I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow. I really don't know what to do at this point. I get fixated, very blue and then out of control over all of this. I hate what I do to my husband and kids when I'm like this. I'm not a good mom. I really beat myself up about it and I can't concentrate on anything else. I don't want this to ruin Christmas. Pills work for me. The A/Ds work. I just feel guilty taking them, like I'm less of a person for doing it. I crave a doctor telling me that it's OK to be on these for the duration. That, like my cholesterol medicine, it's a maintenance drug that just keeps me healthy. But a little voice (and the crapload of information on the Internet) really adds to the frustration and anxiety that pills are a crutch. I'm 35 and I'm still worried about what others think. Thanks for listening to my rant. I'm sure you know what nervous energy does to your thought processes, so I apologize if this post seems manic. I'm working on 4 hours of sleep and feel very anxious. If anyone has words of advice, I appreciate it. Will see what yet another doctor says. I know there is never an easy fix, but I just want to feel good from now on and not have this nagging monkey on my back!