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Everything posted by LibraryLady

  1. Hey Gang! Well, I'm still feeling somewhat dizzy and unsteady on my feet. I did not go anywhere or drive over the weekend. That's a good thing, esp on Sunday since we had huge rain and flooding here! In some places it was as much as 10 inches of rain! I live in Central Texas, and normally we desperatly need rain. Just not all at once! :-) I have a bad headache, but I think it's from hitting my head on the concrete floor of the grocery store. The back of my head is still very sore and tender. My right ankle still hurts and is basically purple all the way around. I'm very nervous about driving. I did drive to work this morning, and it was pretty nerve wracking. I really need to find out about the door to door bus service. I should call about that this afternoon, when my office mate is on the desk and I have the office to myself. I am trying hard to not flip out about all this. I have such a tendency to get all hysterical when things happen to me. Right now I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward. Or, barring that, at least march in place! I DO NOT want to slip backwards into depression. One thing that came up from all this, and that I'm pretty worried about, is that the emergency room Dr looked at my CAT scan and said I had an unusual amount of calcification in my brain. Normally, the amount I have would be seen in the brain of a much older person. I asked him what would cause it and he said mini-strokes. Yikes! I have not ever noticed anything that might be a stroke happening to me. I do think that some of my RA meds would also cause some of the calcification. Anyway, I'm trying hard not to freak out over this. I always imagine the worst possible scenario and then have a panic/anxiety attack over it. I'm heading out to the Ref Desk in one hour, and hopefully, that will calm me down some. Love to you all !
  2. Well, there's a first time for everything, and I had a first time event on Monday evening about 5 p.m. while I was at the grocery. I was in the ice cream section, and bent over to pick up a pint of BlueBell Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. I felt really dizzy all of a sudden, and then I don't remember anything until I started coming round in the ambulance. I didn't know what was happening to me, I didn't know who the papramedics were. I thought they were men, attacking me. It was extremely frightening. So, appearently, I had a seizure and fell on the floor of the grocery store. I was totally out of it for about 30 minutes and don't remember anything from leaning over until I came to in the ambulance, outside the grocery. I vagely remember the ride over to the hospital. I finally go home by about 9 p.m. I saw my Dr the next day (Tues) and he feels that this seizure was caused by a combination of things. One is, I had not eaten much that day and my blood pressure had dropped. Secondly, one of my headache meds also reduces blood pressure. Third, I'm really fat, and hold my breath when I lean over to get things off of low shelves. So, all that together made me very dizzy and lose it. I have a big pump knot on the back of my head, my right ankle is turning purple, and my tailbone is sore! I have various brusies all over my legs and arms. The biggest result is that my Dr doesn't want me driving for a while. Well, lovely, but I have to go to work! So I drove to work this morning, petrified with fear that I might have another seizure. I guess I will have to look into what the bus service here offers for handicapped people. I believe they have a door to door service for people who qualify. I'll have to go through an interview for that and a bunch of paperwork. I don't know how long that'll take, and in the meantime I'll have to keep driving. What a life!
  3. Hi everyone! Well the hot weather here in Central Texas finally broke over the weekend. We'd still been in the 90's until Saturday evening when a cool front blew in. Now we are in the mid 80's and down into the 50's at night. Wheee! I am so relieved to see cooler weather. The heat and humidity really gets to be a burden by the end of the summer! And, the sun is shining and the breeze is cool. Thank goodness! I can't say that my mood has improved much, altho the weather change helped. I'm still dealing with the same issues as always. And, I'm struggling with bitterness and anger towards the Human Resources staff that denied me help from the Sick Leave Pool. I have to set that aside now, and move on. I will do what I have to do, which is make up the time I'm off. I worked for 4 hours on Sunday to make up for time I took off last week for my Remicade infusion. I still have three more hours to make up from being out sick last week with a migraine. Sigh. My boss is being very understanding, thankfully. She sees me struggling every day, so she realizes what I'm going through. So, my life is more of the same. Every day I get up and put one foot in front of the other. That's all I can do right now. At least I can sit out on my porch and enjoy the cooler weather! Love to all!
  4. LibraryLady

    No Liv

    Hey Anna, and Brokenme. We want you to stay with us Sweetie. What is going on with you that makes you feel so bad? We are here for you my friend!
  5. Hey DeeBear! I love that Seger song. I had that album and listened to it all the time. I'm glad to see you online.
  6. Lia, I know exactly what you are saying. My parents also contributed to my over-achieving and low self-esteem. Sweetie, you are not alone! I am going through a bad patch right now, but I wanted to let you know I understand and I'm here!
  7. Hertz, yes I do feel that I need to help others to be percieved as worthy, both by them and by myself. I was trained that way from birth. Everyone else came before me and my own feelings were unimportant. I think one of the reasons I became a librarian was so that I could reach out and help people. I enjoy helping others, but I do attach my own self esteem to it too. My bf knows I take anti-anxiety medication. I had to tell him that because he once witnessed me having a huge anxiety attack and subsequent meltdown. But, he doesn't know I see a Pdoc or that I've had suicidal thoughts for years. He has his own problems, and now is dealing with his Dad. He doesn't need the extra burden of hearing about my problems. My three sisters know, and I do talk to them when I am feeling down. They grew up with me and were treated the same as I was, so they understand. You are very insightful Hertz. You hit the nail on the head!
  8. Thank you Lia, you are so sweet! And, thanks for the hug and kiss! I send you love!
  9. I didn't want to come to the DF today. There's no point in my posting. I say the same things over and over. I have pain. I am depressed. My anxiety is high. What else is there to say? I cannot help others when I can't help myself. I layed in bed last night and wondered what it would be like to go to sleep and never wake up. I think of people I know or have read about that had that happen. Like John Candy. Like a lady I knew when I lived in South Texas. I thought about what it would be like to feel no pain. What would it be like to not experience horrible anxiety all the time? I cannot imagine. I can't do anything to myself. It would just about **** my family and my dear bf. He would not understand. He knows nothing of my suicidal thoughts. He is caught up in dealing with his very infirm Dad, getting him into assisted living and such. I am helping them as much as I can. I was denied Sick Leave Pool time. That is a pool of sick leave that the employees where I work can apply when their sick leave runs out. They have to prove that their problem is a severe "catastrophic" condition. Appearently, Rheumatoid Arthritis is not considered catastrophic enough, so I was denied. That means I have to make up any time I am off, or have my pay docked. I have no sick leave left. So, I will be working 4 hours this Sunday afternoon. I have another 3 hours that I need to make up. God, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to try anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm in pain all the time. ALL THE TIME! What's the point of posting? It's the same thing over and over. It never ends. My life is stretching out in front of me and it's a long trail of pain and suffering. I put one foot in front of the other. I suffer.
  10. I'm glad for you Tessar. I know looking at all that "stuff" from your childhood is really difficult. I'm with you on that. I have often wondered how I will feel after my Father dies. I think I will feel relieved, but who knows what else will surface. I also was taught to ignore my own pain and emotional suffering. Everyone else in the world came before me. My suffering was nothing. It is still hard for me to stand up for myself and acknowledge to myself that I really am having serious problems, and that I deserve to feel better. I've had some setbacks lately, which is why I have not been online for a while. I am very sad about my life. Very sad.
  11. Hi everyone, Sorry I've been gone for so long. Things have not been very good for me. Mentally or physically. I just don't know how much longer I can go on. I send you all love!
  12. LibraryLady

    Next Thursday

    Please don't give up Nataya. I don't think I could take it. PleasePleasePlease!
  13. I'm sorry. I'm a mess right now. I am in agony in my mind and in my body. I don't feel I can continue this way. My life has not turned out the way I thought it would. I worry constantly about everything. I beat myself up for not being perfect. I'm fat, I'm old, I'm full of anxiety. I look at the young people around me here on campus and I think to myself "They have no idea how fantastic it is to be able to walk with a free, open stride, and not worry about falling down". My head is aching. I rub my forehead constantly. It's red from all the rubbing. But it doesn't help. Nothing helps. Not rubbing, not food, not drugs, not anything. I don't think I can go on this way. I only want to lie down and go to sleep. I want to never wake up again. I want the pain to go away. I want the memories to go away. I don't want to be responsible for myself any more. If only I could have mental and physical relief for a little while. For a few moments. I feel only anguish.
  14. Hey Carbon! I enjoyed your blog! LOL! The great thing about them is they can be anything you want. Sometimes I feel like being profound, and sometimes I write about gardening! It just depends on my mood. Do your random thing!
  15. Hi Lia, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You know we all understand and we care. Please try not to listen to your depression!
  16. Hey! I'm glad to see you on the DF, but I'm sorry you are having such a series of misfortunes. You know we are here for you! I send you love!
  17. My thoughts are with you Brokenme! We love you!
  18. LibraryLady

    Got The Job

    Yaaaaay! WhooHoo! Congrats!!!!!
  19. Hi Lady M! I'm glad to see you blogging, but I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I certainly understand! I send you love and calming thoughts!
  20. I send you love my dear friend Nataya! LoveLoveLove!!!
  21. Hi! I'm not sure if it is Bulimia. I don't know, and I'm not a professional or a Dr so it's hard to say. What I do know is that you have a problem and you need to see a Doctor about it! Yes, you do have something pretty severe going on. I don't want to scare you, but you need some professional advice. Keep posting here too and we will give you as much moral support as we can!
  22. You can do it Jojin! You can do your interview and get the job! You will be fine!
  23. AG, your family loves you. Your brother obviously understands what you are going through. Have you talked to him about how you feel about flying? If not, I think you should let him know how stressful it'll be for you. That way he can be ready to help you as necessary. I really depend on my sisters and I don't feel that I'm a burden to them. Well, most of the time! :-) You are a good person AG, you deserve a happy life. You are lucky to have a family that loves you and is supportive. Really enjoy their love and support when you go see them!
  24. Hey CricketBoots! Hang tough my friend! I take meds for my arthritis that affect my white blood cell count. It makes me suseptible to infections a lot more than normal. But, I have to live with that if I want to keep my RA under control. So, I totally understand how you feel about it. Love to you!
  25. Hey Klaxxon, how are things going with you and your meds? I know all about not wanting to take meds, but then also wanting to take them! LOL! I take Xanax as an emergency anxiety pill, when I'm having a big anxiety attack. Normally, I take Prozac and Buspar, with the occasional Xanax thrown in. I'm in Austin! I was born and raised here but have lived other places, including England. I spent 15 years in Victoria Tx, and went to San Antonio many times!
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