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Everything posted by biggestfan

  1. Poloman - I know what I did was digusting. What I'm going through now is probably penance for what I did earlier. But I don't see my life improving in the coming years. There is nothing to give me hope. I have never heard any 'success' stories of fat ugly dorks turning into smooth talking casanovas over the years (and hence, it seems to be a genre in itself in movies and fiction - to give hope - no matter how false it is - to countless of disturbed souls out there like me). And isn't it ironic that the guys like me, who are at the bottom of the relationship 'food chain' get called 'hypocritical' for not 'settling' for someone at or below their level, whereas the guys who are at the top who have a wide variety to select from are very much within their 'rights' to decline someone obnoxiously with a smug face, and then everyone says its the 'lower' person's fault, should have given a thought before having dreams of matching up with someone 'way above them' Yes, at the end of it all, its me who is always hypocritical. I'm not saying the 'higher guy' is not hypocritical too. But come on, he has so much that an insignificant derogatory tag attached to him isn't going to hurt him at all. After all, nothing will matter once you look into his 'dreamy blue eyes' and everything becomes 'magical'. Oh come on, prince charming can never be hypocritical, after all he is prince charming. And to the Body dismorphic disorder issue, I have had a talk with my shrink about the possibility of me having it. And I saw the ICD-10 definition about BDD diagnosis criteria - I fail to match any of them criteria - The criteria require the person to be 'excessively' concerened about some 'non-existent or insignificant' disability he/she has. Well for one, if you call a height lag of 7 inches insignificant (after having sessions measuring bone length indices with a radiologist and an endocrinologist - with both doctors approving that my condition warrants 'drastic' treatment measures), I frankly don't understand what is significant in your opinion. Or to just cut to the chase, I should show you a close up photo of mine - have a good long look at the scars and then come up with an opinion. Despite that, I have never shown concern or excessive worry about my physical shortcomings in front of my friends or other thrid party people. Its only inside me (and hear at DF) that I choose to remove this 'mask' of normalcy I have and show you people how badly my soul is scarred too.
  2. An update - I have stopped my meds. I took the last 20mg tablet on the morning of 1st dec. So far, I can feel the depression coming back in rebound, but atleast I know what to expect. My weight has obviously gotten out of control. I have faced enough ridicule in my social life, and I don't want 'fat-man' to push it down further. My psych says I should probably take it slow, come down first to 10mg, then stop, but hey come on, this isn't steriods. Plus, I am not experiencing the worst of withdrawal effects, as my psych had warned me. (There is this thing called 'brain zap' where you get a seizure that lasts like half a second if you stop your SSRI meds suddenly). I do get lows (which are mainly responsible for my depressing posts), but isn't this the real me? Haven't I used my crutches enough? And if things do get incredibly tough, I do have a back up plan where I start Zoloft. It doesnt cause weight gain. But if I give a personal opinion, I'm frankly tired of meds. Not that I'm saying they don't work. Trust me, they are incredible and have the potential to turn you into a completely different person, for the better. But I'm just over it. Even now when I look back, I'm still standing at the same place I was four years ago, things haven't changed that much except I have lesser hair and more wrinkles on my face. Girls still think of me as a lecherous freak who is a sore loser (isn't it kind of ironic that the girls who tend to be more pretty, are more likely to think of me as like that - I'm not throwing out fake self invented facts, I have heard it by my own hears, just 2 days ago - A girl said, that most my female colleagues used to consider me to be a disgusting socially, emotionally immature and ********, more so in case of the prettier ones. Obviously they have their dreams of Prince Charming with brilliant white teeth coming one day and sweeping them off their feet, while 'fat-ugly-man' here providing the loser comic relief in this 'big bad world' we call a 'fairy tale', will ultimately settle for the miss ogre with incredibly huge arms and chest hair. Oh yes, its a perfect life. I know its bad and hypocritic to insult 'miss ogre', but honestly I have had enough
  3. Without making it sound tedious, here is a short description of my life - Both parents have neurotic symptoms. Father is bipolar and a control freak. Mother is very prone to depression. Sister has mild mental retardation and borderline personality disorder. Grew up in a very tense environment. There was very high academic pressure on me and on my sister. I could cope with it but my sister due to her mental retardation couldn't. My mother, very stressed by my sister's inability to cope up academically, used to hit her often. It used to feel like nails on chalkboard to me. I became very stressed inside. At the times I got angry with my sister, I used to hit her too. I regret it now, but what's the point? The damage was permanant. During my teenage, I developed a very severe case of acne. The medicine I took for it (Isotretinoin) - has a very disastrous side effect - it causes premature fusion of the long bone epiphyses and early termination of growth in height. My height was arrested at 5'7, when at a time, my height was scaled on a percentile to reach 6'2.. But the growth arrest affected only my long bones and not my head. My head grew up to the size it is in a tall and well built person. The result - I look ugly with a very scarred face, unattractive due to my short height and disproportionately large head. I was bullied often at school. My social skills were very ********, on top of that, my acne was a frequent target for ridicule. I used to get very jealous of the socially forward students/smooth talkers, who had no trouble getting into relationships (To make matters worse, these were the people who used to be very good looking too) I tried to compensate by doing well academically. But as fate would have it, I peaked at the wrong time by excelling greatly in relatively meaningless exams while failing at the critically important ones. College is really stressful. All the good looking girls get taken after a year or two. Plus the workload of studies. Having a poor self-esteem really screws up your chances with girls, especially in my case when I am already in the negative because of my bad looks. I have almost reached the end of my college years, and still have never been in a relationship. I see myself getting old, I see the good looking guys pick up the good looking girls smoothly and I see my life withering away. In March 2009, I declared my love for a girl who didn't love me back (she was quite good looking). Her refusal was kind enough, but still I felt she said no because I'm not the best of guys, looks and personality wise. People say break-ups hurt more than rejection. All I want to say to that is - You have a chance to prevent a break up. Rejections don't give you that privilege. Once you drop the L bomb, there is no picking it back. My friends said I acted 'spontaneously' (a polite term for 'rashly'), and should have given due thought before taking such a wild step. Because, according to them, if I had given due thought to this, I would have 'realised' that an ugly guy like me doesn't have a 'chance' with a good looking girl like her. I was diagnosed with depression in May 2009. Started medication with Cipralex 10mg in March 2010. Doubled the dose to 20mg in July 2011. Improved my social anxiety somewhat. But it doesn't help much in the relationship department if you have bad looks. And the improvement in social anxiety I got from the medication came at a cost. After I doubled my dose, my weight shot up dramatically. I put on 15 kg in 3 months. Add 'fat man' to the long list of negatives about me. So there you have it. Family - Pathetic. Academics - Not good at times when it matters (And it being good in the times when it doesn't matter only adds insult to injury, because of the simple reason that other people (and yourself, subconsciously) know that you 'have' the potential to do good but presume that your faliures at critical junctures are due to your 'lack of hard work' at the right time. Social life - Recently when a friend of mine asked a girl (incidently the same girl who rejected me), what were my chances of being in a relationship with another good looking girl, the girl responded by saying 'He should stop having such big dreams and see his (scarred) face in the mirror first.' A month back, I came across an advertisement for a face wash soap - It said 'Use this if you don't want your grandmother to be the only girl to ever kiss you.' Pretty amazing to see the lengths that the ad companies go to promote their product - they are even ready to ridicule a genuine medical condition. All in all, I know I'm not going to gain anything by posting it. Getting positive replies from people on this forum might stroke my fragile ego for a while, but it still won't help in the long run. I wish I was kinder to my sister (her social life is a lot worse than mine). I wish I hadn't sent my life on a downward spiral by saying 'I love you' to that girl. I wish I could change some of the wrong things I had done in past. Because, when you already have a lot of negatives which you CAN'T change, it makes it even more tough and depressing to see your inability to improve the negatives which you CAN change. I have considered suicide. I know painless methods to **** myself. It is VERY easy to procure the stuff I need to go ahead with it. And a lot of times, I think its not a question of 'if' but a question of 'when'
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