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Everything posted by liftmeupletmego

  1. Yes! In fact, I am freezing cold right now. I have been this way for years and it coincides with my depression (i feel they are related but i have no proof) I have had my thyroid tested numerous amounts of times but the test always comes back normal. I am not anemic (been tested for that many times too). It could be an extremities thing but I wasn't always like this. I am a tiny person and my family says I am cold becuase I have no body fat but even though I have I gained some extra body weight I still don't feel warm. I always just feel cold. I don't understand but I definitly think there a connection between mood and body heat, like sometimes people get all hot when they are angry. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to think one's body temperature lowers when they are depressed. Plus body temperature lowers when the body is asleep and when I'm depressed I may be "up and about" but I never feel fully awake.
  2. I understand how you feel completley. But you are not alone, you have all of us here to talk too and we will never ever judge you or fault you for how you feel. And we will always believe in you even when you are struggling to believe in yourself. You deserve to have the best life you can and we will never give up trying to help you get it. I may not be a regular everyday poster but everything I said above is true. This is a wonderful community and someone is always here to help . Welcome to this board!
  3. Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing this with us! You have given all of us here hope and that means so so much!
  4. Hey itstrevor, I wish you the best in your quest to find a "cure" so to speak. Recently I also began thinking about stopping my medication as I am pretty much numb again. The prozac has helped for awhile but I am afraid my body has gotten used to it and I can no longer feel its effects. I am on a high dosage so i don't think upping it will do anything. I am also taking Clonopin and Trileptal. My psychiatrist is convinced that the best route for me now is to up my trileptal but I have tried that once and it made a mess of things. I have read all the posts here and I actually think Paxil might work for me because my body tends to react the opposite of how most people react. (caffine makes my tired, fish oil makes me anxious, and I have not felt any extra energy boost no matter how much vitamin b i take) weird right? I have an appointment tomorrow so hopefully i can start a different medication regimen or something. i just don't see the point of taking a bunch of pills that do not work in any way for me. The frustration can be unbearable at timesit will all be worth if we find something that can help us all. If you want I can keep you updated on how my journey is going, maybe something can be learned from it? Unfortinately besides a few windows I have never fully gotten out of zombieland either. As for sex drive I don't have that either, never had it in fact but that is more of a psychological issue for me not a depression-related issue. That's pretty much it. I hope your medication is starting to kick in in a positive way. It is so hard to have paitience especially when getting back your life depends on it.
  5. For the past two weeks I have been doing some soul searching. I had decided to stop going to therapy and considered stopping my medication. I guess I am trying to look at my depression from a different point of view ( an individual point of view) rather than from a medical standpoint. For the last 7 years i have listened to other people, doctors, therapists friends and family each telling me what I should do in order to "get better". I listened to them I tried everything they asked yet I still felt as though my condition hadn't improved signifigantly at all. I admit I have had some good times but I always felt the depression underneath it all, and knew it was only a matter of time before I would be in a dark place again. Anyways, I decided to take matters in my own hands so to speak. I told my therapist I was done talking and I told my pyschiatrist that I was done taking medication (she convinced me otherwise) but basically I was done with everything. I was so frustrated and mad that I had done everything I was told to do and nothing was getting better enough where I could start my life again. I have lost faith that I will ever feel like myself again. But i digress this is not what my post is about. Today, I took a personality test (apparently we all have 1 of 9 different personalities) I just wanted to see what "type" I was so i could try learn how to move forward in my life other than the normal pyscotherapy and medication route. The results were spot on and I realized that the individualized therapy i was looking for all along was in front of me the whole time. It described my behaviors and thought processes and I realized that if I can personalize my depression, I can have a better chance at fighting it. Now we all come together here because of this horrible disease, but each of us are individuals and though the poster treatment for depression is some sort of therapy and or medication, there are times where it may not yield the results we would like. In no way am I against these things I just have realized now that they probably weren't working as well as they could have because I didn't undersatand myself and my intentions completely. I didn't understand what I wanted so I had no place to get too. As different people we are all alowed to want different things and sometimes, beating depression is not just about getting that job, or a relationship. Sometimes it is just getting getting yourself back. And that is much easier to do when you know who yourself is. I am not sure how much sense any of this made but I am posting a link to a personality test for anyone who wants to learn more about themselves, because the more you know about yourself, the more you know about your depression, and the more you know what will work for you and what wont. Now I am no doctor or liscensed medical professional and I am not saying this is a replacement for therapy or medication or anything but maybe it can just be a tool to help you along the way. Depression is not just physical, it is so many more things like emotional, biological and spiritual, and that it is why it is so hard to treat and so difficult to understand. It makes us doubt ourselves down to our very core. But maybe we can fight it better with self awareness, and it is easier to undersatnd ourselves when we know which personality we are. http://www.9types.com/rheti/index.php PS: we are not all just one specific personality.This is just to help figure out what you will respond to best. Kind of like finding the right clothes for your physical bodytype but instead we are finding out what treatments work for our mind. It is a lot easier to think positively when you know what is most important to you.
  6. Hey itstrevor, This has happened before. About 5 years ago I stopped taking all medication completely as I wasn't finding luck with anything. I was off medication for 2 years and thats when my numbness was at its peak. I was numb everyday for literally two years. I couldn't feel, I couldn't cry, I couldn't even recall past memories. In the summer of 2008 I started on Prozac which did help me for a little bit. I was still a little off as I wasn't on the right combination of meds but I definitly noticed a change because of the Prozac.I can't say I ever completely got my heart back but I did feel like something was there from time to time. Anyways, with a lot of medication tweaking and the help of a support group I was able to feel most of the time and have relatively normal summer this year, but I am finding that the numbness is now starting to come back and I don't know how to stop it. I just don't want to spend another 2 or more years like that, I hardly survived last time.
  7. Thank you very much for starting this! I have been looking for answers for a long time. Or atleast ways to cope with it. I do not have the energy to go into details now but here is post I wrote a couple days ago: http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/83277-empty/ Best of luck with your new medication regimen!
  8. Dear Stigmata, Thank you for your response! I have expressed this feeling several times to several people but you are the first to understand it. Yes I have seen a mental health specialist. I go to therapy once a week and am on medication that is monitored by a pyschiatrist. I guess I have just never learned how to cope with my numbness . For me, being numb is more debilitating than being sad. I have such a hard time trying to continue on with my life when I am feeling apathetic and empty. I have no idea how to deal with it. Guess it is something I should bring up with my therapist. It just very hard to descibe sometimes. I feell like everything I am has completely dissapeared and I am just a body with no soul and what is left of my life is not worth trying to fix. I can hardly stand it and i have no idea how to carry on. To be honest, school is the last thing on my mind right now as I doubt I will even go tomorrow. I know I have to it just seems so pointless when it doesn't mean anything. None the less, I wish you the best tomorrow! And thank you again for the response :) -lift
  9. I start school tomorrow. I have been dreading it for weeks. Everyone is telling me not to worry and to be excited about it but the closer tomorrow comes the more panicked I feel. I was fine, good all summer until my heart dissapeared again. Does anyone ever feel like they have no heart? Like they can't care about anything anymore? Like they are empty? My uncle told me to always folllow my heart and do what my heart says. But I can't hear my own heart anymore. I think it dissapeared again. Now I have nothing to guide me or tell me what to do. I don't have reasons to do things anymore. How am I supposed to exist in this world when nothing matters? How am i supposed to live life to the fullest if I could care less about anyone or anything? How am I supposed to care? I know in my head what matters but I can't feel any of it right now. Its like i know what exists out there but I can't experience it. How do you fill the emptyness inside? Because when I feel empty, I feel like I am not even here. I know what I have to do but all of it means nothing. I just wish I could feel something again.
  10. HRiddle Thank you thank you thank you!!! I have been meaning to write back to you i swear its just my mind has just has been in shambles the past few days. After talking to my sister and seeing your post I finally have some clarity about this situation and dare I say hope? I couldn't figure out why I was so upset until I realized that it had to do with my therapy session. I was prepared to end my life and I hadn't felt that depressed in a really long time soo it really scared me . I honsetly thought I was losing it. Without you or my sister, I don't if I would have ever figured out what was truly upsetting me nor would I be able to come to terms with it. That said thank you for looking at my situation from a rational point of view and just knowing that I am not alone, that comforts me so much more than advice ever could. Your understanding means the world to me and I am forever greatful! It is so crazy how we experience such similar things. I think we are meant to help each other along this journey! It is very late right now lol but I intend to elaborate more tomorrow as well as continue our other conversation Once again, Thank you a million billion times over!
  11. Dear Prof, Thank you for your response. It was helpful to know that what I am feeling wasn't just me. You are completely right about going to school or having a job I know it would show my parents that I am trying, I just am terrified of the failure that will result from it. I have attempted school several times and it has never ended well. I have in a sense given up on finding anything worthwhile about me I guess it is just easier for me to believe am nothing than to go look for something. Over the years of my depression I have been known to take the easy way out. i just don't see the point of working so hard for something that will never be. I know the only person who change my outlook of myself is me but at this moment I would rather dissapear from the world then try. My motivation comes in random spurts, it is sporadic at best but it is never long lasting when I wish it to be or strong enough to last an entire day. I am constantly given great advice about this by many people but as soon as I return to solitude I immediatly forget it. And latley I have found that I'd rather stay in the darkness then admit that i was wrong and try to climb up out of it. It is so much easier to stay down in a whole then to climb out of it and if it is my choice to stay there I have no reason to complain. I guess I am constantly fighting myself to either do nothing or pick up and try again so i decided on the do nothing part. I just get so tired of the constant war in my head so it is easier to let the darkness win, becuase i don't have to fight, i don't have to think, and i don't have to feel. And yet by writing this I am tapping into the part of me that wants to move forward. I am just frustrated with the constant back and forths I honestly wish I could just make a decision and stick to one thing. But i never have been able too and I don't think I will be able to anytime soon. I am just afraid of the ups and downs and back and forths will do if and when i actually commit to something. I know depression is a daily battle but i always end up losing one way or another. I don't have the faith, the strength, or the guts to fight. Yet I don't have the complete hopelessness to give up. I know all of this is up to me and I choose whether I am to be successful or not. I am just tired of always starting something and never finishing it. I am great at sabatoging my own happiness I know that is my big problem. I just don't know how to fix it. And i feel that everytime I rise above something I knock myself down even harder. I guess I am afraid that one day I will actually go through ending my life completely. All i want is to not be ruled by the constant bickering in my head between i will all be okay and it will never be okay. The question is how can I make the fighting in my head stop. I feel it is becoming more and more in control of me and my actions and I am losing grip with myself and my humanity.
  12. Hello Everyone, This post is really just me complaining about the last couple days I have had. For anyone who wants to know, yes I see a pyschiatrist, and yes I go to therapy. I am also on several medications. I don't even know where to start. I got into an argument with my parents about my independence over the weekend. I am 21 and I am not in school nor do I have a job so I pretty much depend on them for everything. I honestly feel completely stuck and like I am under constant watch and interrogation, ( i know it just my parents being parents) but for some reason I could not take it anymore. When I talked about this with my therapist instead of understanding I ended up being told that most of the time I am responsible for how my parents act toward me and the more bad days I have, the more of a helpless baby I look in their eyes. The little confidence I had in myself has now completely dissapeared after that session. I know I am taking things too literally but for some reason every little thing I do or don't do over the past couple of days has become a major failure in my eyes. Instead of being a 21 finding my way in life suddenly feel reduced to a 1 or 2 year old wondering what made me think I could live in this world by myself. I have essentially given up on the fact that I am able to complete simple tasks. I know it wasn't my therapists intent but since that session I feel as though I am nothing. I feel dumb and useless and helpless and worthless. And instead of trying to fight those thoughts I just let them come in waves and essentially take over my thinking. In fact I spent most of today trying to convince myself to **** myself. I just can't seem to think rationally anymore and even the tiniest things break me. If you were to ask me who I am I would tell you I am no one. Because that is how I feel. I have essentially been cut to size and I can't believe I have ever thought I was worth something. Its like everything i had thought of myself was completely wrong and now I don't trust anything anymore. It amazes me that in this short amount of time I have lost complete faith in myself and I am doubting everything I thought I was. I feel like a liar and a failure, I am not my own person, I am just somebody else's mess. I don't feel like I am worth anything anymore and now and instead of telling myslef otherwise, i am believing that it is the absolute truth. I don't really know if this makes any sense but I just feel as though I don't exist unless other people give me a reason too. To my parents, I am their daughter, to my sister, i am her sister, and to other people i am seen as a friend (i am not sure why)but to me, I am nobody and I was stupid to think i was somebody or i was going to become somebody. I don't have a reason to be here, I am just what others see me as, nothing more, nothing less. I honestly feel like a prop, something for others to use, but to myself completely pointless. Maybe I have always been a prop, I just haven't realized it until now.
  13. I know exactly what you mean. When I would go through old pictures and yearbooks I could hardly recognize myself half the time. It took me a really really long time to find confidence in myself before the depression and when I finally accepted who I was i was so incredibly happy. I loved life, I loved people, and I loved the world. Those were the two greatest years of my life. Then I enetered high school and became depressed and all the self confidence i worked so hard for dissapeared. I felt like the real me was gone and it was never coming back and what remained was some stranger. I hardly knew who i was and I was so ashamed when I would be around people because I wanted to be the "real" me with them but i didn't know how. I felt like a phony and a failure. How could someone not know who they are? How could you forget yourslef? I honestly couldn't even remember and I thought i was crazy. I soon slid back to my old ways and became very shy and started to isolate myself. All the friends that I had made started to fade away and so did the happy memories. I became terribly quiet and almost invisible again and I had no idea how to stop it. Recently I have realized that the person I "was" was not completely gone I just had forgotten about her. I will never be truely the same after all that has happened but at times I do feel like my old self and that has given me hope. Sometimes things don't dissapear, they are just hidden and we have to try really hard to find them. And these things tend to be in the last place you expect them to be. As for my family, this experience has brought me so much closer to them than I ever thought possible and I will always be grateful for that. I have realized what truly amazing people they all are and I would never trade them for anything. I am actually a lot closer to some of my cousins then I ever thought I would be. And I have gotten a lot closer to other people as well. I realize what it means to be a true friend now that sometimes we have to open ourselves up to give our friends permission to do the same. I didn't know how to open up to anyone until now and though I am very cautious about this, it allows me to see who really cares about me, and who doesn't. It feels like such a gift but also a curse. I have lost a lot of things due to letting my depression control me but I have also gained so many new and wonderful things. I guess the trick is trying to remember the good things that depression can bring when we feel so bad.
  14. This is so weird! I was also on Welbutrin ( and a bunch of others) and ended up on Prozac (it is the only one that really "works" for me) I also tried St. John's Wort too. As for wishful thinking, I too do that all the time. Unfortunately, things will never go back to how they were. Times have changed, people have changed, and you have changed just as I have. All we can really hope for is that the future will be different, and even though it won't be exactly the way it was, it can still be wonderful (maybe even bettter of you think about it because of all of the knowledge gained from this experience). Though it is very hard to be patient and believing that it will come.
  15. I can relate to this post 100%. I didn't know there was anyone out there going through exact same things as I am right now. I am 21 too! I have also been in a rut for 7 years. Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel like down to a T. One thing that I have tried and has given me motivation (temporarily) is a support group. I was part of an an Intensive Outpatient Treatment program and for the 3+ weeks I was there, I started to remember myself again (you know before all of the going downhill started). I honestly never thought I could be in a group like that and talk about how I felt but it helped me so much, more than anything had in years.. I have since had my ups and downs but I learned a lot about myself and how to deal with my depression. I had one full month of okay days (some even great). I have now since fallen back a little and and thats wat brought me back to this site. I had no intention of posting anything until I read what you wrote and realized I could say those exact same words to describe myself and my situation. I am hardly a positive person especially after the past few weeks, but i will always be grateful for the time I had with that group.
  16. My name is Lauren and I just turned 21. You would think that I would finally be happy that I am now considered a full fledged adult. Except I don't feel like one in any sense of the word. I live with my parents, no job, no school at the moment. And yet I look on facebook and I see the people I went to high school with that are not only almost done with college, but some are even married and/or are parents (and that number grows everyday). I feel like there is something wrong with me because I am not where they are. I am not even close. Recently I have been able to see how irrational it is to wish i was where they are but there are occasional instances where I feel the pressure of having a life like they do. They are all going somewhere and I feel like I am nowhere. Now normally I can talk myself out of comparing my life to others but this weekend I just sort of broke down over it and now I am feeling suicidal. I have been depressed for 7 years, been in thereapy for that long and on a medication for atleast 4 years. I recently joined a support group which has done wonders but all the people in it are older then me and they all say the same thing. "You have plenty of time for all that, you still have your life ahead of you." I know they are right but I am just wondering if anyone has ever felt the same way I do, the pressure to be so much farther along in life then you currently are. I know this is incredibly silly, am just wondering if anyone else has ever felt the way I do, and if you did, how did you deal with it?
  17. Same here! But I am staying away from them aswell. I am so afraid to be around anybody right now because they will be able to see right through me. I am very ashamed.
  18. I know every one starts to think about Ccollege their junior year but it honestly just puts on so much more un-needed pressure. And thinking about the next day and what that may bring is hard too. Someone told me and this also helped me was just to live a day at time don't think about the past or the future just live in the moment that way you won't have to worry so much about what might happe and sometimes when they are good moments you can actually fully ejjoy them. I know it is frustrating to think about what lies ahead especially when you are depressed so I just hope you can find someway to take pressure of yourself. The holidays are coming up I don't know what they are like for you but it is a few days out of school so I hope you enjoy that much needed break. As for college honestly it is not a big deal as everyone makes it out to be. Remember I missed all of my senior year and I still managed to get into a decent college so I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just try to enjoy each day as best you can and when the time comes for finals, and college applications you can worry about them then. Right now the only thing you need to focus on is you and getting through each day. It can be very hard to do but it does get easier. And you should be proud of yourself that you make it to school regardless of your reasoning. These are the best times of your life right now and even if you may not be enjoying them I don't want you to miss out on them because they will mean something to you in the long run. So just enjoy and remember if you ever feel stuck, you can chat with us, we will always be here. :cool:
  19. Dear Geschenke , I know going to school is one of the hardest things you can do when you are not feeling well. I had the same problem. I missed two out of my four years of high school because I didn't show up (first by choice, then by reccomendation) and it is one of the things I regret most. I was lucky both high schools I attended unterstood what I was going through but I missed out practically on my whole senior year and wasn't able to graduate with my class. The best advice someone gave me about school was just to go. The most important part of school is the class part not the other parts. When teachers see that you are making an effort to come they will do there best to help you out. Teachers are very understanding and if you tell them how you feel, they will do whatever they can to lighten your load. Also going to school takes some of that pressure off you that you get when you don't go. I am sorry your parents don't seem to be nderstanding you situation to well. Teachers aren't just there to teach a class they are also very good listners. Also you can talk to the school guidance councilor if you want to talk to someone your parents don't whisper in their ears to. I am not trying to tell you what to do I just want to share what I learned from my experience. You also have all of us here to talk to if you want. You can talk, ask questions and rant all you want her,e not one of us will judge you. And we will always be here for you. I hope you can find the support you are looking for and I hope you are able to become your happiest and healthiest self. And despite what anybody says or thinks, you are doing the best you can! And that is very much enough!
  20. Tell me about it. lol I do take medication and have been in therapy since my depression started. I have done CBT which was helpful for my anxiety but not so much my depression. I know from experience that I do better when I am on a medication that works for me, rather than being on nothing at all. So far the only one that has worked for me is Prozac (i have tried many others) but the effectiveness has worn off and I take a pretty high dose. I also take klonopin and recently started trileptal. I am hoping that will be helpful. Thank you, It is nice to know that I am not alone but my heart goes out to all you guys too. I really hate how painful this is for all of us. I just hope we can all find the unique solution that works for each of us. Unfortunately though it can take a lot of time and paitience both of which I have ran out of recently hence all my posts. But all you guys have somehow kept me going the past couple of days. I really appreciate so thank you so much everyone, from the bottom of my heart.
  21. I don't know if you were talking to me but my parents have been very helpful. They are letting me live with them as long as I need too. I am very lucky they didn't kick me out but at the same time I fear i will be living with them forever if I don't learn how to cope better. I am sorry you had to drop many of your classes. I know how very frustrating it is not to be in school or be able to finish school when everyone does.
  22. Thank you everyone for the encouragement and suggestions!!!! HRiddle: You are so right!!!! I believe we will both make it someday! Its just something we have to keep telling ourselves through the hard times. I am grateful that you are on this board. I feel sympathy for you and I am sorry that you have to suffer through this (i honestly wish no one had to go through this) but I have to admit, it is so nice to have someone else be in roughly the same place in there life as I am, dealing with the same struggles I do. I am so lucky that you understand. Not that other people don't understand but you really get what I am trying to say in my posts. So thank you
  23. I wish I could become independant but it seems unlikely. I am barely functioning as it is. I have no job experience and in three years, I have only managed to get one college course done. I supposed to be a junior right now but can barely finish one course let alone a whole semester's worth. I have no one I can turn too when the pain gets to be too much. I am afraid I am going to be stuck in this place, no job, no degree, no place of my own, no life. I feel like I lost all my chances of any of those coming true when I got this illness. I want to be a normal person in a normal world. But right now I am just a curled up useless ball with no self confidence, no hope, and no drive. I hate myself, I hate where I am but everytime I ttry to get out of this place I always end up stuck again. For the past 6 years I have been going nowhere and I don't know what to do anymore. Will my life ever move forward or will I be stuck in this place forever? I'm betting on the latter.
  24. It sound like you have had to deal with a lot of things the past couple months, things that could bring anybody down. I commend you on sticking with your job you seem like a very hard worker! Sometimes when you are feeling low it seems like everything decides to go wrong in your life. It could be perception but most of the time it is usually bad luck or bad timing. The trick is to take things in stride and try to pick yourself up when you fall down (easier said than done). You deserve better than what is going on right now and maybe it is time for a change, any kind big or small, something that will make you feel good again. Ask yourself what you want your life to be like and take small steps towards reaching that goal. Maybe you have to evaluate some of the poeple in your life to see if they are beneficial to you or not i don't know. And as far as no one listening you do not have to worry about that anymore. Whenever you need some support or just to let things out you can do it here! I know it isn't the same as face to face conversation but the people on this site care a lot. We all go through different kind of struggles and the goal of this site I believe is just to let people know that we are here, we understand, we get it, we feel the same, and we will do our best to help even if it just to say a quick hello and a what's up? I hope you do find people in your life that will genuinely listen to you . That is something everybody deserves! But in the mean time if you want, you have all of us here at this site.
  25. You have come to a good place. The people here are incredibly supportive and understanding. And they never judge anything you have to say. And despite what you may think, you do deserve to be heard and you will be heard here!!! I will probably post some more tomorrow but please just know you are no longer going to be ignored or rejected in this place. It really is such a positive community for all of us who suffer from depression in one form or another. I hope we can be a positive resource for you so you never have to feel alone again.
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