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Everything posted by HRiddle

  1. Anyone else has experienced dramatic mental state changes when the night comes? It doesn't happen to me all the time, but occasionally, when I'm in poor control of my head, it happens and it's terrible. I don't even know how to describe it. It is like the night belongs to a completely different realm, and everything is like a nightmare. The darkness, but most of all the atmosphere, is so different from daytime, and it makes me terrified--not of the night itself but of something else. Over the years I've found this really hard to describe to family and therapists. They all ask me what is different about the night and what I'm scared of, but I can't describe it accurately with words. Usually I'm okay during the day, when the sun is up, but when the night comes everything just escalates and becomes much worse. Sometimes I have to stay up and count the hours, or try to sleep as little as possible at night and make it up during the day. That's the only way to keep it under control--to keep the lights on and do things like it's still daytime. I just want to know if anyone else has this experience? It's very frustrating how I can't make other people, especially my p and t, understand. When I wave my arms up and down and try to say something like "the night just FEELS different, like a different world," even I can hear how ridiculous it sounds. It frustrates me that I don't know the words to describe a panic state. How do you talk to people about it? Or maybe you can't?
  2. Yes, sometimes I feel like that too, that therapy can't really help with some of the problems. But then there were times when one particular therapist could help. If it's not too much hassle, financial and time wise, maybe it would be good to give therapy another chance? The good thing is that you can always stop it if you think it's not helping. Also it's good to be completely honest with the therapist, so if you think they are not helping, you can tell them so (they won't take it personally). Maybe it will help them understand you better. I know these things are not easy to deal with, and the fact that you can see your paranoia objectively is already a big step forward. Hope you'll feel better soon!
  3. Thank you both so much! Fizzle, I really like your perspective on this--didn't think about it that way until you mentioned it.
  4. This is not directly related to depression specifically, but I guess there's nowhere else to put it. I wonder if any of you could relate to it: I'm a terribly thin-skinned & sensitive person, though I'm almost never angry/mad at people. What this means is that a LOT of things hurt me everyday and they all turn into self-criticism. In short, I'm a soft spoken person who is easily hurt...I constantly need people to be gentle with me. Here's the problem: I know people like me are supposed to grow up and learn to be tough. We are supposed to learn to "get over it" (ha, we've all heard of that haven't we). We are told how the world is not a place for the weak-hearted. We must learn to take meanness and things with a brave heart and a thick skin. It's like the world is full of predators (which is unfortunately true) and we cannot stay like lambs if we want to survive. But I've tried for many years and it simply doesn't work. When I was a little kid I would cry when people criticize me or say harsh things, and now I'm nearly 30 I still cry when people criticize me or say harsh things--sometimes not even harsh (just bad-tempered or with raised-voice) and sometimes not even to me (just to a group in general). The only difference is that now I cry secretly and don't tell anyone afterward. Sometimes I need to go to the bathroom to cry during work and nobody knows, because they'd think I'm crazy if i try to explain the little things that sets it off. I just dry my tears and go back to work--luckily I'm not one of those people who would stay red-eyed for hours after they shed a tear. In any case, I just feel bad when people raise their voice or are angry or are offended, which they do all the time. My thin-skinness is not from lack of experience either, because I was raised under a lot of verbal abuse..People at work, people I know...everybody seems so angry and unforgiving these days. Therapy et al. have helped me with many things over the years, but nobody taught me how to grow a thick skin. Even if they did try, I must have failed to learn. All I learned is how to bottle up my feelings and carry on with my work and cry when nobody's looking. Sometimes I still dream of a place where people are not so irritated and angry and offended all the time... But of course, that's just wishful thinking...Sigh. Well I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Maybe I just really hope people could be more gentle and forgiving, when possible. But that's asking a lot, because there ARE irritating things and terrible people around. Maybe I'm even one of them. So in the end it seems pretty impossible...
  5. Do you have a therapist now? Sorry if I didn't get it right, but do you mean you have a psychiatrist for meds now but are not in therapy, though you used to be? Then I think it might be a good idea to be in therapy again. If one therapist can't help you with something, it doesn't mean all therapists can't, so maybe it would be good to give it another go. It takes time and experiment to find the right therapist, but once you find it the benefit is worth it. Also, some problems take years to be fixed, and some almost never can be fixed--you just learn the best way to cope with it. Be patient and kind with yourself and don't worry if things don't work immediately. You know how they say time is the best healer? Part of it is completely true, because there are things only time can do. Even the best medicine take time to take effect, and the wounds of the heart are usually harder to heal than physical wounds. Also, I don't think you are dumb because of your paranoia. It sounds like you've had some hard time, and it only makes sense if you have difficulty now. I hope it will get better for you soon.
  6. First of all, that must take tremendous courage!! I personally cannot imagine myself doing that if I were in your situation, so you should be really proud of yourself for actually taking the steps needed to move. I know you said you don't have a choice, but still, you are facing this challenge the best way you can, and that's really hard to do. I don't know whether you are looking for a place to rent or buy? For renting, craigslist is a good way to find a place to live, but like any other website it comes down to how you use it. Obviously you'll have to go see a lot of places and talk to your future landlord/roommates, etc. before making the final decision. It won't be easy to find the right place unless you have seen a lot of places, so it's good to take the trouble. It's going to take a lot of time, but you'll be less likely to regret later. From my experience, the best thing to do is try to know everything you need to know about the place before you make the decision and move in. That reduces stress significantly, and it's practical too. Don't wait until the last moment. Good luck! I hope it won't be as bad as it is in your mind, and remember it usually gets better once you are on your way.
  7. That some beautiful work! I also make art inspired by depression, etc., but I guess I'd rather stay anonymous here :p But in any case, it's good to connect with artists who do similar things. Are you on DeviantArt or other communities like that? There are lots of people there who do beautiful work related to psychology.
  8. Sorry you had such a terrible experience. My own experience was actually good--yes, it was like going to jail, and at one point I was stuck in a single room with no windows for 12 hours, but the doctors and nurses were very compassionate and I had the most peaceful time in my life there. I guess it really varies from hospital to hospital and it depends on where you are and how you feel when you are hospitalized.
  9. Ugh, it feels so hopeless. I have a somewhat triggering thing coming up and I can't believe I react like this. Other people could do it so easily. I hate being so unreasonable and it sucks how normal life activities could be such a big deal sometimes. The thing with trauma is, there's the part you think is the trouble but maybe it isn't, and you never know. Your therapist can only help you so much. More than one therapists had asked me questions like "is there anything you have not told me?" or "did anything happen to you?", but I really don't know! There are things that happened but they may not count, and there are things that must have affected me but I either don't remember or can't point to them. All I know is that if I erased certain years from my life the "thing" in my head would be gone, but I don't know what exactly caused it! Sorry for the vent..
  10. Hi Fizzle, "I want help and support but am stuck behind this glass wall of mistrust and habit"---you said it!! That's just it! I couldn't have put it better. Yes, attachment is also a big issue for me. It's like you want someone to be there for you and support you and protect you, but at the same time you don't want to confide in people at all. People can be so disappointing sometimes. I mean, it's not their fault for not understanding, but you can't help hoping someone would know exactly how bad you feel. I envy people who seem to let out their emotions so easily--people who cry when they tell people their trouble, etc. I can never do that. I don't know your specific story but I can sort of understand how you may find it hard to tell your husband. People who are closest to you are the hardest to deal with sometimes. I guess that's why it's easier to talk to therapists because they have nothing to do with you really! Hope you are feeling better today too. I know the "cure" doesn't happen overnight, so it's a long haul (sigh). But at least we are not alone.
  11. Scienceguy: don't worry about venting--it's what we are all doing here! And I think therapy really is a good start to make connection with people. I'm actually one of those people who have trouble getting close to someone too, and therapy helped me a lot. Therapists are human beings too, and they are usually easier to deal with than other people, because you don't have to worry about too many things. Start there, and when you feel more comfortable talking to your therapist, you may find it a little easier to connect with other people. It doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen if you practice magic for a week. But things do get better as long as you don't lose faith. Teddy: I so agree with you! It is indeed like a gamble, and it's usually traumatizing...
  12. Hi, I'm just wondering because I've been on meds for 5 years and my p still doesn't take me off. Actually he's already the third or fourth p I've had but he that's what he says. I don't mind too much because it really does help, but sometimes I wonder how long it will still take, and if it will take forever (which is what one of the p's told me). The thought seems scary.
  13. TopekaK that sounds terrible, I'm sorry--I hate it when people tell me to "think positively". It would have made me cry too. Fizzle I think you are very strong for doing it all on your own--have you thought of confiding in your husband and maybe get some support from him? Not that he would understand necessarily...Well, I actually don't know about this myself, because people don't understand unless they have experienced it, do they? I just feel so tired that it never goes away. A family member used to say to me that if she could she would like to open my skull and fix my brain so I will no longer think and feel the way I do...Actually that would be nice, if anyone knows how. Therapy and meds take forever and they don't seem to cure the thing at all. They help making you feel better, but the "thing" is still there. Ugh.
  14. I kind of agree with all you said and that's why it seems so impossible to have a partner whom you connect with emotionally, intellectually, socially, and sexually. It's too good to be true!
  15. And it's hard to get opinions from people to start with, because it's so awkward to ask!
  16. I'd say a professional's opinion is definitely needed to determine what you have, but it does sound pretty debilitating if it keeps getting in the way!
  17. I'm sorry to hear that! But you should always remember that sex is a personal choice. The society puts a lot of pressure on people always, and it looks like there's an "average" or "normal" way in everything. But actually, the so-called "average" person does not exit. The so-called "normality" is just an illusion. There's not a single person out there who can be completely "average" and act according to the social norm in everything he or she does. It's simply not possible. Believe me, there are a lot of older virgins out there, and being a virgin does not make you the least inferior. Your body is yours, and you should decide what to do with it. That said, if you do want to be more intimate with someone, and when the right time and the right person come, you may get help from your therapist of others and it will be not be unnatural--it only seems stressful right now because you sound like you are wanting sex just for the sake of having sex--or to put it bluntly, just in order not to be a virgin anymore. And that is not a good reason to have sex at all. It will only make you more stressed and when you do have sex just for the sake of doing it, it will probably not be good either. You should probably focus on building relationship (not necessarily sexual) with people first, and once you are able to be in a close relationship with someone, the difficulties would probably no longer be there anymore. So don't let the society mess up your life!
  18. Thanks everyone. I do wish my current therapist were a woman, but he seems to be helpful in other things so I don't want to switch just because of this. On one hand I feel like an honest discussion may help clear my head, but on the other hand it's just so awkward, if not downright impossible, to talk about your own sex life in depth with a middle-aged man you essentially know nothing about...I'm sure there are people who are comfortable enough to do that and I admire them, but I guess I'll just have to go around it with my current t.
  19. I hear you there scienceguy--childhood has such a big influence on everything whether one likes it or not! But I do hope things will get better for you, and you should definitely not put too much pressure on yourself. I know there's a lot of pressure coming from society, etc. but you should remember that this is always personal and everyone has a right to go at their own pace. There's no right or wrong and nobody should force you to do something you are not comfortable with. And believe me, even people who grew up in sex-positive families may feel vulnerable when it comes to sex. Some people may come off as really confident, but there are a lot of people who feel awkward about a lot of things. I think the most important thing is trust, and the knowledge that we are all human beings who are not perfect and who may be very vulnerable, and that's what makes the connection so precious once you find it.
  20. Thank you feeling_lost and bluegal. I do feel the same, and it's also very awkward for me because my therapist is a guy, and when he asks me about this kind of thing it makes me extra self-conscious. I guess my problem is just that I never did have a satisfying intimate relationship so I have no idea how things would be if I were to be in one. Yet I really don't like how my therapist makes me feel like everything can be reduced to sex...It makes me feel like a beast (and a feeble one!) and nothing more...
  21. Hi folks, it's been a while since I last came to DF, but right now I'm super confused and troubled by something and want to hear your opinion. My therapist brought up the subject of sex in our session today, and it was the second time he did that. The first time he asked me I had just started seeing him so we didn't talk much, and I suppose this time he asked me because I've been seeing him for a long time and there's a fair amount of trust. It's totally out of the blue though--I have never mentioned anything about sex in our sessions and it wasn't something I thought about too much. While he merely asked me a few questions and I didn't say much, the session still left me troubled. It doesn't help that I'm also currently reading a book that seems to stress the generally ignored importance of sexual wellbeing in everything. I keep thinking about the reason my therapist brought up the subject, and it seems as though what's left unsaid is that all I need is a good ***. It's like all my problems are just hormonal and everything I've been through over the years is just the result of sexual frustration. Another reason I'm so sensitive about this is that I really wasn't in what would be considered a good intimate relationship. I'm not in a relationship now, but when I was it wasn't good and did give me some stress. But it wasn't bothering me so much, so I never talked to my therapist about it. Now that brought it up out of the blue, however, it's like he caught me in something and had an "aha" moment. I feel belittled and reduced to a mere hormonal being...I have been through so much over the years because of depression, etc., and to think that it's all a matter of sex, I just can't do it. I'm an artist too, and I am usually inspired by my darker emotions, but now I feel as though my work is a mere display of a sexually frustrated woman and I'm the only one who can't see it. The realization is horrible. So what do you all think about this? Do you think that sexual wellbeing is essential to one's mental health? Can a person live a happy (or at least not so depressed) life with the mere help of good sex? But isn't it hard to find a relationship that's both emotionally and sexually wholesome? It's hard enough to find someone you can love and trust! It's really depressing to think that one's life is controlled by sex, and not having a good sex life makes one inferior.
  22. I know that feeling exactly...
  23. I don't know if this is normal, or how to deal with it. Two years ago I had to leave the therapist I had been seeing for a long time and who had accompanied me through hospitalizations and many dark episodes. At the time I had to leave the country so the sessions had to stop abruptly. It was by no means a natural termination, though my therapist did her best to make it bearable (when in reality it was still unbearable). I cried through the last session and have never returned to the city or seen her again since then. Now it's been two years, and I'm no longer in therapy, but I'm still struggling with that separation from my original therapist. I've been in touch with her through email, etc. but we are no longer in a therapist-client relationship and she has made it quite clear (though in a gentle way). It is natural that I will be farther and farther away from her mind, as she sees more new clients and I become part of her distant memory. This should ideally happen on my part as well, but it is not happening. Whereas I'm just one of her former patient, she is not just my "ex-therapist". She accompanied me through life and death and I simply could not, and will never be able to forget her. She is so closely linked to the darkest part of my past and I could not let her go. It's not just transference anymore. I did tell her that a few times, but it was awkward. I felt guilty for being needy as she is under no obligation to help me recover from the loss, because she is no longer my therapist. She has always been extremely kind in our correspondence, but she does not say much. Sometimes I wonder if she even remembers my face, as it has been so long. The change from being in a therapeutic relationship to virtually no reltaionship has broken my heart, though I prepared myself for it. I tried very hard to make new connections, but it's not the same. It's like a real loss where you can never replace that missing part. Does anybody have similar experiences, and how do you deal with it? Thank you.
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