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HRiddle last won the day on May 31 2012

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  1. Anyone else has experienced dramatic mental state changes when the night comes? It doesn't happen to me all the time, but occasionally, when I'm in poor control of my head, it happens and it's terrible. I don't even know how to describe it. It is like the night belongs to a completely different realm, and everything is like a nightmare. The darkness, but most of all the atmosphere, is so different from daytime, and it makes me terrified--not of the night itself but of something else. Over the years I've found this really hard to describe to family and therapists. They all ask me what is different about the night and what I'm scared of, but I can't describe it accurately with words. Usually I'm okay during the day, when the sun is up, but when the night comes everything just escalates and becomes much worse. Sometimes I have to stay up and count the hours, or try to sleep as little as possible at night and make it up during the day. That's the only way to keep it under control--to keep the lights on and do things like it's still daytime. I just want to know if anyone else has this experience? It's very frustrating how I can't make other people, especially my p and t, understand. When I wave my arms up and down and try to say something like "the night just FEELS different, like a different world," even I can hear how ridiculous it sounds. It frustrates me that I don't know the words to describe a panic state. How do you talk to people about it? Or maybe you can't?
  2. Yes, sometimes I feel like that too, that therapy can't really help with some of the problems. But then there were times when one particular therapist could help. If it's not too much hassle, financial and time wise, maybe it would be good to give therapy another chance? The good thing is that you can always stop it if you think it's not helping. Also it's good to be completely honest with the therapist, so if you think they are not helping, you can tell them so (they won't take it personally). Maybe it will help them understand you better. I know these things are not easy to deal with, and the fact that you can see your paranoia objectively is already a big step forward. Hope you'll feel better soon!
  3. Thank you both so much! Fizzle, I really like your perspective on this--didn't think about it that way until you mentioned it.
  4. This is not directly related to depression specifically, but I guess there's nowhere else to put it. I wonder if any of you could relate to it: I'm a terribly thin-skinned & sensitive person, though I'm almost never angry/mad at people. What this means is that a LOT of things hurt me everyday and they all turn into self-criticism. In short, I'm a soft spoken person who is easily hurt...I constantly need people to be gentle with me. Here's the problem: I know people like me are supposed to grow up and learn to be tough. We are supposed to learn to "get over it" (ha, we've all heard of that haven't we). We are told how the world is not a place for the weak-hearted. We must learn to take meanness and things with a brave heart and a thick skin. It's like the world is full of predators (which is unfortunately true) and we cannot stay like lambs if we want to survive. But I've tried for many years and it simply doesn't work. When I was a little kid I would cry when people criticize me or say harsh things, and now I'm nearly 30 I still cry when people criticize me or say harsh things--sometimes not even harsh (just bad-tempered or with raised-voice) and sometimes not even to me (just to a group in general). The only difference is that now I cry secretly and don't tell anyone afterward. Sometimes I need to go to the bathroom to cry during work and nobody knows, because they'd think I'm crazy if i try to explain the little things that sets it off. I just dry my tears and go back to work--luckily I'm not one of those people who would stay red-eyed for hours after they shed a tear. In any case, I just feel bad when people raise their voice or are angry or are offended, which they do all the time. My thin-skinness is not from lack of experience either, because I was raised under a lot of verbal abuse..People at work, people I know...everybody seems so angry and unforgiving these days. Therapy et al. have helped me with many things over the years, but nobody taught me how to grow a thick skin. Even if they did try, I must have failed to learn. All I learned is how to bottle up my feelings and carry on with my work and cry when nobody's looking. Sometimes I still dream of a place where people are not so irritated and angry and offended all the time... But of course, that's just wishful thinking...Sigh. Well I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Maybe I just really hope people could be more gentle and forgiving, when possible. But that's asking a lot, because there ARE irritating things and terrible people around. Maybe I'm even one of them. So in the end it seems pretty impossible...
  5. Do you have a therapist now? Sorry if I didn't get it right, but do you mean you have a psychiatrist for meds now but are not in therapy, though you used to be? Then I think it might be a good idea to be in therapy again. If one therapist can't help you with something, it doesn't mean all therapists can't, so maybe it would be good to give it another go. It takes time and experiment to find the right therapist, but once you find it the benefit is worth it. Also, some problems take years to be fixed, and some almost never can be fixed--you just learn the best way to cope with it. Be patient and kind with yourself and don't worry if things don't work immediately. You know how they say time is the best healer? Part of it is completely true, because there are things only time can do. Even the best medicine take time to take effect, and the wounds of the heart are usually harder to heal than physical wounds. Also, I don't think you are dumb because of your paranoia. It sounds like you've had some hard time, and it only makes sense if you have difficulty now. I hope it will get better for you soon.
  6. First of all, that must take tremendous courage!! I personally cannot imagine myself doing that if I were in your situation, so you should be really proud of yourself for actually taking the steps needed to move. I know you said you don't have a choice, but still, you are facing this challenge the best way you can, and that's really hard to do. I don't know whether you are looking for a place to rent or buy? For renting, craigslist is a good way to find a place to live, but like any other website it comes down to how you use it. Obviously you'll have to go see a lot of places and talk to your future landlord/roommates, etc. before making the final decision. It won't be easy to find the right place unless you have seen a lot of places, so it's good to take the trouble. It's going to take a lot of time, but you'll be less likely to regret later. From my experience, the best thing to do is try to know everything you need to know about the place before you make the decision and move in. That reduces stress significantly, and it's practical too. Don't wait until the last moment. Good luck! I hope it won't be as bad as it is in your mind, and remember it usually gets better once you are on your way.
  7. That some beautiful work! I also make art inspired by depression, etc., but I guess I'd rather stay anonymous here :p But in any case, it's good to connect with artists who do similar things. Are you on DeviantArt or other communities like that? There are lots of people there who do beautiful work related to psychology.
  8. Sorry you had such a terrible experience. My own experience was actually good--yes, it was like going to jail, and at one point I was stuck in a single room with no windows for 12 hours, but the doctors and nurses were very compassionate and I had the most peaceful time in my life there. I guess it really varies from hospital to hospital and it depends on where you are and how you feel when you are hospitalized.
  9. Ugh, it feels so hopeless. I have a somewhat triggering thing coming up and I can't believe I react like this. Other people could do it so easily. I hate being so unreasonable and it sucks how normal life activities could be such a big deal sometimes. The thing with trauma is, there's the part you think is the trouble but maybe it isn't, and you never know. Your therapist can only help you so much. More than one therapists had asked me questions like "is there anything you have not told me?" or "did anything happen to you?", but I really don't know! There are things that happened but they may not count, and there are things that must have affected me but I either don't remember or can't point to them. All I know is that if I erased certain years from my life the "thing" in my head would be gone, but I don't know what exactly caused it! Sorry for the vent..
  10. Hi Fizzle, "I want help and support but am stuck behind this glass wall of mistrust and habit"---you said it!! That's just it! I couldn't have put it better. Yes, attachment is also a big issue for me. It's like you want someone to be there for you and support you and protect you, but at the same time you don't want to confide in people at all. People can be so disappointing sometimes. I mean, it's not their fault for not understanding, but you can't help hoping someone would know exactly how bad you feel. I envy people who seem to let out their emotions so easily--people who cry when they tell people their trouble, etc. I can never do that. I don't know your specific story but I can sort of understand how you may find it hard to tell your husband. People who are closest to you are the hardest to deal with sometimes. I guess that's why it's easier to talk to therapists because they have nothing to do with you really! Hope you are feeling better today too. I know the "cure" doesn't happen overnight, so it's a long haul (sigh). But at least we are not alone.
  11. Scienceguy: don't worry about venting--it's what we are all doing here! And I think therapy really is a good start to make connection with people. I'm actually one of those people who have trouble getting close to someone too, and therapy helped me a lot. Therapists are human beings too, and they are usually easier to deal with than other people, because you don't have to worry about too many things. Start there, and when you feel more comfortable talking to your therapist, you may find it a little easier to connect with other people. It doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen if you practice magic for a week. But things do get better as long as you don't lose faith. Teddy: I so agree with you! It is indeed like a gamble, and it's usually traumatizing...
  12. Hi, I'm just wondering because I've been on meds for 5 years and my p still doesn't take me off. Actually he's already the third or fourth p I've had but he that's what he says. I don't mind too much because it really does help, but sometimes I wonder how long it will still take, and if it will take forever (which is what one of the p's told me). The thought seems scary.
  13. TopekaK that sounds terrible, I'm sorry--I hate it when people tell me to "think positively". It would have made me cry too. Fizzle I think you are very strong for doing it all on your own--have you thought of confiding in your husband and maybe get some support from him? Not that he would understand necessarily...Well, I actually don't know about this myself, because people don't understand unless they have experienced it, do they? I just feel so tired that it never goes away. A family member used to say to me that if she could she would like to open my skull and fix my brain so I will no longer think and feel the way I do...Actually that would be nice, if anyone knows how. Therapy and meds take forever and they don't seem to cure the thing at all. They help making you feel better, but the "thing" is still there. Ugh.
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