Jump to content


Junior Member
  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by saddaddy

  1. I'm on the other side of this. I'm learning to trust my wife again after she had an affair. (I'm not assuming that this your situation) I guess what helps me is consistency. She has to always be there for me. Also do whatever you can to break with the "old you". If it was another person, break contact. Get a new job. Don't put yourself in the same situation again and point this out to your partner. Show how you are willing to change. Good luck!
  2. Thanks for sharing your story. I guess it can happen to any of us. Was she remorseful when you found out about it the first time? I too felt like I've taken care of my wife all this time and this is the thanks I get. She is being good to me now however.
  3. You've come to the right place. There are a lot of people in similar situations to yours here. First of all, don't give up. Never, ever. You probably need more help than you have been getting. Try to find a counselor who can help you coach through your life. It's great that you have medication, and it sounds like you are tolerating it well. If the drug you are taking is working for social phobia, maybe you need to supplement with something for other symptoms of depression you are having. Work it out everyone is pulling for you.
  4. Hi comrade! I too feel like I started out life with promise, but haven't amounted to much. I was always the smart kid growing up. Everything came easy to me I flew through school and got straight A's. I go to University and I can't decide what I want to do with my life. It seems like death chosing something. I have issues of major depression. I brarely graduate. I finish school in 1996 and start working in the dot com boom era. Things are easy again. Then it's not so easy. From the outside my life looks good. I make a 6 figure salary. I have a loving family and a nice house in a nice part of the city. But I still feel like I should have done more considering what I started with. Work is easy I spend two hours a day doing work and six hours being depressed. I can't do anything at home because I second guess myself too much. My depression leads to my wife cheating and trying to leave me. Now I have something to cry about. You are not alone. Sometimes I wish I was born dumb just so I wouldn't have to live up to my high standards. Hang in there. Work it out with the meds and we are all here for you!
  5. Yep. Had the same experience when I went on Effexor and even when I went back on zoloft the sweating continued.
  6. I know that feeling. I wonder what else she must have done. Probably nothing and what she told me was probably the truth but maybe not the whole truth. For me I am almost not worried about her doing it again. She can't do it again. She broke the seal. She did it. She can't cheat on me for the first time again. If she does it again, I'll have clarity and I'll kick her out.
  7. It sounds like you are being very supportive. My wife won't allow me to talk about things in the middle of the night.
  8. Do you have an update? How is it going? Have you actually separated? I can tell you are trying to change. I might even show her your post (or not so you have some privacy) as evidence that you love her and want to change.
  9. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I am facing a similar situation. I am trying therapy to find a way to put what she did out of my mind. It does sound like you love her. I really feel that way too. I like you pushed for details and I wish I hadn't. Do you have kids? How is she doing? If she won't go to therapy, is she getting other treatment for her depression? Even though my wife won't go to therapy, she is working hard to reconcile with me. I'm taking that as a sign that I should stay. Is she working on her other issues like keeping a job or dealing with finances. Marriage is a give and take and she needs to give as well. We will support you no matter what you decide to do. You certainly can stay with her if you decide to without losing face. You can even be proud of yourself for being able to forgive such an action.
  10. I have also found that it is impossible to lose weight while on this drug. It is probably saving my life, but I gained a little and cannot lose while on it. It makes me feel like if just come off from a good cry and then I want to do something soothing like eat. Mornings are the worst for me.
  11. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Have you thought about medication? It can take a long time to get into to see a psychiatrist but any doctor can prescribe it for you. Then you get on the waiting list to see the psychiatrist. There are side effects but really most of them are sexual, so maybe it's ok to have those right now. More than likely her leaving had everything to do with her and little to do with you. You will get through this and it will get better.
  12. I know this. Sometimes I wish there was a better answer. I sometimes wish it was my fault because then I could do something about it. She was selfish and just full of herself. This is a non-starter for her. I know it's not fair, but when I bring it up, she responds with "OK, if you really want to go down that road..." She is afraid that if she takes this path she will realize that she shouldn't be with me. The way I tried to get out of the marriage in the first place and how mentally unstable I am. She also had a bad experience when she was a child with a family counselor. This is my last resort. If it looks like we are actually going to split, I will demand this. She did. She told me that I was too fat and that she was too young to give up sex for the rest of her life. It was a little mean and tactless, but I didn't respond until it was too late. I know she had unresolved issues with how we were married in the first place. That she talked me into it. That I didn't really want to be with her. She said she had no idea I'd be so badly hurt. She said she thought I was neutral about her. I had my opportunities to leave just before we got married but I chose not to do it. I do love her and have been a good spouse for 16 years. We also had a sexless marriage before this started happening. Since she started coming clean about this we've had a great sex life. We are averaging about 5 times per week. She is having orgasms more frequently than ever. She was also having a really hard time at work and said he was there for her and I wasn't. I also have bad reasons to stay. We can't afford another place. I am afraid I could never find someone else. I've never been with anyone else. She says that the love that she and I have now is what she has been looking for all her life. She even told the other man this.
  13. Thanks for the reply in the time you do have. I know I can trust her not to cheat with him again. They didn't realize it at the time but their affair would have cost them both their jobs if it had gone public. They work in the administration of a religious school. I also don't think that the affair actually made her happy. Also next time he comes around he will have his SO with him and I don't think he will want to risk that. What I am not sure is if I can trust her heart. I don't think she'll do anything but how can she stand to be with me after being with him?
  14. It's a place to start at least. Try OKCupid. Maybe you'll eventially decide to meet in person.
  15. She doesn't and that's a good thing. Welcome to the site. I'm new too and you'll probably get better advice from the moderators, but my story sounds like yours. I too have a dream job. I everything in life has been easy for me. Work just fell into place. My kids are all perfect. My relationship (which is in trouble now) had always been easy. I just don't know how to be happy or even content. I hope you decide to share your whole story. I spilled mine in the relationship forum. How are things being handled at work now that they know about your attempt? I am sure this is going to be a great new beginning for you.
  16. Hard to hear but at least you said it in a nice way. She is back. She is treating me well now. I don't want to use my depression as an excuse. Of course I am afraid she wants me to kick her out because she could leave without feeling guilty. I am also afraid to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if I could be with anyone else.
  17. Some common sense: You're only 25. You still have time to persue most careers or at least find one that will be as fulfilling. It is hard to hear this because you see people who have always gotten perfect grades and they at your age are well into their careers. But I'm 39 and I would love to be 25 again. Just like you would love to be 16 again. There is still time!
  18. Ok my story is long but it makes me feel better to share it. My wife admitted to trying to leave me for another man earlier this year. I am 39yo and she is 37. We have 3 kids ages 13, 11 and 8. We started dating when we were in high school. I was one grade ahead of her in school. I left for university and while she was attached to me. We spend every moment talking on the phone and we saw each other every weekend. She was extremely depressed that whole year. She started talking about marriage during that year. She comes down to my university and we continue going out but she keeps talking about marriage. I try to push her away but she keeps talking about marriage. We partially break up one year (she moves out but we aren't broken up). I try to get away but she still wants me so we get back together and then she starts talking about marriage again. We arrange to get married at a church she used to attend. The pastor won't do it because he senses some issues between my parents and her. My parents tell her that I don't want to get married which I had told them. We go to a justice of the peace. We get married. It actually goes pretty well. We finish university. We get decent jobs. I love her. We buy a house and we have kids. Things are pretty good I think. She still has sexual hang ups and will withhold it at times but for the most part we even have a good sex life. I struggle with depression thoughout this time. Whenever there is a major decision to be made, I fall into depression. She likes lot of change and I am more careful. Some of the times I am depressed about things she is pushing for, other times I am depressed because of things I have to do like change jobs. Most of the time we are a great family however. We get into a little trouble with our debt, but we manage it. We have fun. I help her get her graduate degrees and life is good but expensive. Now summer of 2009. She takes up running. She turns out to be a natural at it. She loses a bunch of weight and becomes much more attractive than she had ever been in her life. I can't keep up with her. I don't take to running well and I get resentful for her success. I do lose a little weight but I am clearly not in the same league. We start having sex less and less often. I am partially starting to have issues from being on Zoloft for so long but I don't relaize it. I gain back the weight. I basically lose my abilty to perform sexually. I can still get an erection but I rarely ejaculate and I sweat profusely during sex. In January of this year, she tells me that she won't have sex with me unless I lose the weight. I don't lose the weight. She complains that I smell bad (sweating from the Zoloft) and demands that I take better care of myself. For example I wear contacts but I usually only use one contact and don't take them out at night. Around this time she starts having feelings for a man at work. He isn't single but his spouse is away for a year. They kiss and have a romantic relationship. Then the agree not to see each other. then we have some issues which force her to face the way we got married in the first place. She presses him for a sexual relationship. In her words "She begs him to leave with her". Finally after 5 or 6 times of what she calls very inappropriate interactions, they have sex. She feels guilty. Around this time, I actually do make the changes necessary. I lose 45 lbs. I get a bunch of new clothes and dress up for work. A friend asks if there is something going on between the two of them. She confesses to her friend. She confesses a romantic relationship to me but insists there was no sex. I am broken hearted by this revelation. But we spend the summer getting back together. We have frequent sex and she seems happy to be with me. The other man has to leave with his significant other for a year. He is out of the picture. Eventially he is found out by his SO and my wife confesses to me that they did have sex. He will come back next year and they will work together very closely. She has tried to find a new job but it isn't going well. She says she is over him. She loves me and always did but just couldn't stand to be with me when I was that way. She says she no longer loves him. He is much older but far more fit and attractive than I am. I am depressed. I've never had any kind of romantic relationship with anyone else before or since. I am not suicidal but I am doing some SI.
  19. Thanks. To be clear she admitted she tried to leave but she is back now. She has been kind to me since admitting the affair and while asking me to continously just pull myself out of it, she has otherwise been great to me. She is a much more equitable partner.
  20. My therapist really isn't going anywhere. I just talk in circles and he says " don't think that way" I try to organize my thoughts but he doesn't want to attack them in an organized fashion. Yes, breaking up with me because I am depressed is crappy, but it is also self-preservation. the other choice I have to face is that she tried to leave me because he is so much better than me, She won't go to marriage counseling. Or I should say she agrees but says it in a mean way which makes me think "I'll go to your marriage counseling but I am going to make your life hell for it." She also had a bad experience with a family counselor when she was young.
  21. Thank you for your reply. I will post my story there. I think we are going to be together as long as I can hold together. I realise it is more important that I hold it together than it is that we stay together but I just don't think I am better off without her.
  22. Hi, I'm 39 years old and my wife tried to leave me for another man earlier this year. We have 3 kids. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I've suffered from depression for my whole life and I've been on Zoloft for about 10 years. I have never been with another person in my entire life romantically at all. She really hasn't either. This makes this much harder for me to accept. She blames my depression for why she tried to leave me. She also says my depression is making this my focus of my life and I should be over it already. I had quit the zoloft earlier this year but am now going back on it. I am also in therapy but it isn't going well. I find sharing my story helps me a lot. I can't tell it to many people because I have few friends and the ones we have are her friends too. Where can I go from here.
  • Create New...