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Everything posted by ellemint

  1. I once had a good friend who at a time I was depressed, and sitting on the sofa crying, she grabbed some sticky notes, and wrote on them things like "ellemint is a great person" "ellemint is loved" (with my real name of course) and stuck them up on the wall and furniture all around me. That did help me feel better.
  2. It's been about a week now, and so far it is not going so well. My father noticed I was doing badly this week. He remarked on this spontaneously, I didn't tell him I was on a new medication. I've had trouble with side effects. It screwed up my sleep for the entire week. I was taking it at bedtime, as directed by my doctor, just changed to mornings today on my own. It's also given me a migraine nearly every day this week, so it may be that I just can't be on this drug. I had finally gotten control over my migraines over these last few months by doing yoga and taking some supplements. Now to be having them every day is very discouraging. As for any anti-depressant effect, I didn't expect to notice any at 12.5 and so far there has been none. If anything I feel more depressed this week. I've been researching if lamictal/lamotrigine ever makes people feel worse, I may create a thread on here to find out more about other people's experiences with it. I definitely hope it's going better for you ! ellemint
  3. I'm familiar with that feeling of dread in the early a.m. or upon awakening. Sometimes it will also come over me when I'm trying to fall asleep. I have been doing some deep breathing exercises and I think that has helped. I usually feel better at night, but tonight I feel a bit lost.
  4. I'm on 150 mg Wellbutrin myself as well as citalopram 20 mg (Celexa). From what you have written, to me it doesn't sound like the Wellbutrin is really the drug for you. Suicidal feelings are often mentioned as a side-effect of anti-depressants, which is kind of ironic. But if you have felt these feelings only since starting Wellbutrin, to me this would indicate there might be another anti-depressant that might work out better. I was in grad school for 5 years, so I'm familiar with the pressures --- but try to treat yourself kindly and supportively (like a gentle friend) if you can. I know that's easier said than done. But good for you for taking on such a challenging endeavour !
  5. Well I started on lamotrigine 2 days ago. I am only taking 12.5 mg at bedtime, which is a very low dose, because I am afraid of stevens johnson syndrome, having had it once before. Now I'm on wellbutrin xl 150, vyvanse 20 mg, citalopram 20 mg and now lamotrigine. FOUR medications. Before I started seeing this psychiatrist I was on ONE medication, wellbutrin 300 mg. Oh boy. However I did feel somewhat better over the summer and then took a dip downhill this last month. So far it has given me a splitting headache each morning upon awakening (even at that low dose! ) . But I am prone to migraines anyway. Muggles, did you make a decision on what to do?
  6. Yes I often feel this way too. I don't want to go to sleep because I know then I will have to get up and face the day. I also sleep in as long as possible for the same reason.
  7. Those are wise words from Seabeach---and I agree. I think the more you can tell your story to others, even a little piece of it, it may help. There is something healing in telling our stories to others. Also, artwork, photography, writing, music --- all can be outlets and ways to process traumatic experiences from the past. I don't know if you have a therapist, but it might be helpful to meet with someone who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder. It doesn't matter if you have it or don't but someone who specializes in that area might be able to work with you on processing things. I know one social worker I met who specialized in PTSD in veterans did a lot of work with clay sculpture, also sandbox therapy. I hope you find a way to loosen the grip of these memories. :)
  8. Me too. Although I'm living with my Dad we didn't celebrate Thanksgiving. We haven't done that since my Mum died 3 years ago. At Christmas he will be in Florida, so just like last year I'll be alone.
  9. thanks for the suggestions. I am working on many fronts: medication, therapy, mindfullness, meditation, yoga, daily walking, lifting weights, supplements, job hunting--- but I still want to sleep all day and when I do wake up it's like someone has hit me over the head with a brick, I'm so groggy and tired.
  10. thanx for your help Hope4theBest. I do have a social worker therapist for therapy. But I believe I need a medication change.
  11. I called the psychiatrist's office today and the staff person said they have a policy that the doctor will not talk to you over the phone. She put me on the cancellation waiting list on which there are 4 people before me. This is the first time I've had a doctor that would not take phone calls ---- I'm sorry Canadians but the Canadian healthcare system sucks (just as bad as the American system but in different ways). They can't bill for phone calls so they won't waste a minute on you.
  12. There's a free 4 - week meditation program with daily instruction and guided meditations at the following site: http://www.yogajourn...n/howtosit.html :)
  13. thanks for replying. He's in private practice, there's no nurse. Also this is in Canada, where there are long wait times for any specialists. I had to wait 6 months just to see him the first time ! That's the problem with 'universal' health care. Everyone has access, but wait times can be horrendous. Hey, Im in the US and its not great here either. In S Florida I paid beaucoup $$$$ for a "top" Psych Dr. who practiced in N.J. and Boca Raton FL. In crisis, I called just to talk for even 8 minutes. he informed me he "cannot do phone therapy as his time was too valuable". He was great with meds, not people. Then again Im not a celebrity or sports figure, so Im sure they are treated differently. Maybe try and get a psychologist who can listen to you more. Ellemint, the US system is dysfunctional, dont believe what the tv or PR ads say. If you have tens of thousands to pay a dr., you are treated faster. And insurance rates here are about sheer profit. My brother is a physician and cannot stand the insurance red tape here in the US. It is harmful to patients in need. Oh I know it's not great in the U.S. either, I used to live there. I think mental health services in general are inadequate nearly everywhere. In the U.S. I was able to find a psychiatrist who would bill me $65 for medication visit, and never had to wait this long for an appointment. But after he moved, I wasn't able to find any other psychiatrist like that.
  14. thanks for replying. He's in private practice, there's no nurse. Also this is in Canada, where there are long wait times for any specialists. I had to wait 6 months just to see him the first time ! That's the problem with 'universal' health care. Everyone has access, but wait times can be horrendous.
  15. Everyone always says that if you find your symptoms are getting worse to call your psychiatrist and get in to see them. But what's the use if the office staff won't give you an appointment until a month later? By then things will have gotten even worse. That's what happened to me today. I noticed that I am starting to sleep all day and even then not want to get up out of bed. I think my depression has a seasonal component, in that usually around this time of year I start sleeping more and my symptoms start getting worse until in March they are at their worst. Then I get better in spring, and summer, and it all starts over again the next fall. This year I would like for that not to happen since I don't want to lose the gains I made over the summer. So today I called the doctor's office and the soonest I can get an appointment is in over a month. I asked could I be squeezed in and the receptionist said no. I am going to call again tomorrow and ask that they call me if they get a cancellation and also ask to speak with the doctor.
  16. I can relate. But in my experience family members are not necessarily the best people to talk to about depression or anxiety. That's why if I were you I would seek an outside resource like a therapist or social worker so that you can get the support and feedback you need. Have you looked into this at all?
  17. That's the way I feel. I lived and worked in the U.S. for years, and then a year ago moved back to Canada. I gave up my condo, my car, my community --- now I'm stuck living with my father while I get treatment for my depression and regroup.
  18. That's funny you mention plastic storage containers. As I said, I had a lot of stuff, but it was organized --- so I had a lot of plastic containers for paper, clothes and especially shoes. When I moved every item had to earn it's way in, and between my kitchen, office and bedroom I probably left behind literally over a 100 containers of all sizes---like I think I had about 40 shoe boxes. They're not that cheap, and now when I think of buying them all over again...ugh. I collected all these great shoes from flea markets and thrift stores, old 60s and seventies shoes, they were amazing. I just enjoyed looking at them. All gone, donated back to the thrift stores. Not that I ever want to have that many shoes again. But it bothers me.
  19. Epictetus, I've gotten rid of old textbooks and then found I need them again, and have to buy them all over again. I do have photos of lots of my stuff since I take pictures for fun, several are in my DF Gallery. http://www.depressio...71247-ellemint/ But I find right now that when I view them, it just hits me with a pang of regret and sorrow that I no longer have something like all the beautiful plants I grew and nurtured for years. In fact there is a photo of one of the plants that I miss in my Gallery. It was an indoor potted plant that you were not allowed to water all winter and then every few years it would bloom with one perfect flower. I don't know if this link will work or please pm me for link. I'm just not the de-cluttering type (even though I like Buddhism and know I shouldn't be attached to things.)
  20. If you are experiencing a lump in the throat sensation, check to see that you are not clenching your jaw, or lower face, and check where your tongue is. As I said before place it behind the front teeth, to open up your throat and do some deep breathing. Deep breathing and exhalations longer than inhalations will activate your parasympathetic nervous system relaxation response (it's pure physiology). When we are anxious we take short shallow breaths and even hold our breaths a lot without realizing it. Or try some desk-based yoga stretches --- here's a series of videos http://www.yogajournal.com/officeyoga/ I get anxious and I try to address it moment by moment, not wait until later. I try to be mindful of when I feel an anxious sensation, identify it, and then do some deep breathing at that moment (you can do this at work), or some methods I learned from ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy). This might occur several times in the space of an hour. I often use techniques from ACT involving 'defusion' and 'expansion'. The rationale is that if we try to fight anxiety or distract ourselves from it--- it doesn't work ! http://www.get.gg/act.htm Defusion involves noticing your thoughts, images, memories, feelings when you are anxious and then defusing from them with a variety of methods. Some are described in the following link: http://www.get.gg/defusion.htm Expansion means that to deal with fear and anxiety you focus ON the feeling, locate where it feels most prominent in your body, what sensations you are experiencing, like a lump in your throat, tension in your chest , or fluttery feelings of panic and dread. You visualize the sensation as much as you can, and then you give it room to EXPAND. You breathe into it and visualize what is happening as you do so. Like say you imagine the lump in your throat as a black stone sitting in the middle of your throat. You visualize it, accept it compassionately, breathe into it, picture in your mind what is happening as you do so: are the edges of the stone getting fuzzier or less distinct, is it getting paler or lifting? Picture breathing through the stone, is it getting smaller at all, lighter?. Imagine air and space or light radiating around it. You may even place your hand compassionately on the part of your body the feeling is centered, like your chest. Do this for a few minutes (in the bathroom at work if you have too! ) The goal is NOT to make the feeling go away, but quite often you will find that a byproduct of expanding the sensation is that miraculously it gradually does reduce and dissipate a bit and you are able to proceed onwards with whatever you want to be doing instead of being stuck feeling anxious. It's analogous to the old yoga story: A teacher asks a student to dissolve a cup of salt in a cup of water and drink some. The student can hardly take a sip. Then the teacher asks the student to dump the cup of salt in a lake, and take a drink. The student can now drink the water. Sometimes when we give something room to exist and expand, things become more manageable. A helpful book on this by Dr. Russ Harris is called "the Happiness Trap:" He outlines all the techniques. take care, ellemint
  21. Does anyone on here consider themselves a hoarder? I noticed a lot of the hoarders on TV shows are depressed. And when I moved a long distance last year I could not move all the stuff I'd accumulated for 20 years so I gave up about 80 % of my stuff, all my furniture and dishes etc. It was like a forced radical de-cluttering and I was in a big rush and had to make snap decisions. Now I find myself sorely missing some of my belongings and regretting things I gave away or sold (for a pittance)---like some of my beautiful antique mirrors and lamps and various dishes. Most of it was not expensive to begin with since I was a big thrift-store and estate sale shopper, so it's not the money. But in Canada where I live now even the stuff at thrift stores is expensive and of poor quality, not cool reasonably-priced things like I'd find in the U.S. so now I feel like I can't even replace those things. It really bothers me. Has anyone been a hoarder and then changed and now have a clutter-free home? And did you suffer separation pangs or regret? And I'm not necessarily talking about extreme hoarders like on TV---my condo was beautiful --- but just someone who hangs onto a lot of antiques, collectibles, old clothes, magazines, dishes, toys & mementos. I would put myself in that category.
  22. Yes there is certainly such a thing as chronic severe depression. In fact it is a known fact that if you have experienced one major depression, that you have a higher chance of experiencing another and that they often tend to get more severe and resistant to treatment with each successive bout. Sad but true.
  23. Quote about Mark Zuckerberg from Ben Mezrich who wrote the book that The Social Network movie was based on: "“.... He’s different. He is an odd guy. he is very socially awkward. We’ll keep seeing photos of him looking really strange,” ... http://www.mediaite.com/tv/congrats-on-the-wedding-social-network-writer-calls-mark-zuckerberg-very-socially-awkward/ Or how about this article: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505125_162-28248716/introverted-its-your-time-to-shine/ to quote the author: "The high-tech industry is full of successful executives and managers at all levels that don't fit the conventional mold of the bold, outgoing leader. They're introverts. Their time has come. And not just in the tech industry, either." and the business writer further states that: "Believe it or not, most of the successful CEOs and entrepreneurs I've worked with over the past 30 years have been introverts, and not just a little, either. One CEO confided that he was so painfully shy as a youth that he would nearly pass out from fear if he had to speak up in class." I truly believe that the only way your personality will interfere with your work success is if you yourself believe so, and stop yourself from trying as a result.
  24. If they don't care I had periods of unemployment then what are they going to look at? I assume they have many applicants and can only accept a limited number of students. How am I going to convince them to accept me? You said to discuss my employment and interests - so that means I tell them about my employment years ago which is irrelevant now, and they are going to say, "it's obvious you showed a lack of interest in the past, so how come you're interested in it now?" Um, yeah right. That is impossible, unless if it's someone else who did the work and he took credit for it. You can't make a social network unless if you are an extrovert with a lot of friends and knows what your audience or consumers want. You can't know everyone else out there will want Facebook unless you're an extrovert yourself. Social networking is practically the definition of extroversion. If this continues, historians will one day write about how the "social revolution" has stamped out introversion as a human personality trait. I've seen other threads here from people who were computer science grads and had struggles similar to me, but applied for positions in things like Facebook gaming and social media marketing, and someone responded, "anything to do with Facebook looks good on your resume". Now you see why I don't even want to look at a job description, let alone apply for one. It's obvious that I cannot do this with my personality, and it's not something I could have anticipated a couple of years ago. The question is if there's anything out there that I can do with my personality. Mark Zuckerberg is notoriously shy and awkward. Only an introvert would create an ONLINE social network. The extroverts are out experiencing creating real life social networks. http://www.businessinsider.com/mark-zuckerbergs-most-awkward-moments-2012-5 Half of all people consider themselves shy. It's just most put on a social face and you don't know it, especially if you are shy and self-conscious yourself and focusing on yourself and the impression you are making.
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