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ellemint

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Everything posted by ellemint

  1. I can relate. Maybe congratulate yourself that you are at least forcing yourself to go to a family function. Endure it, and then after it is over, pat yourself on the back for at least having shown up and done your duty. I'll bet there is at least one person who is at least grateful that you showed up, even if just for appearances. Stay strong -- it will soon be over.
  2. I don't have holiday spirit. I don't like it at all. My Mum died shortly before Christmas a couple of years ago. I've spent many Christmases totally by myself because my family which is very small to begin with was thousands of miles away. It's kind of stupid to detest the holidays, but I do.
  3. This is why I wouldn't bother dating, even if I had the courage and social skills to do it. I have no ambition to do things like that. A woman who wants a man my age typically wants a guy with the kind of structure and extroverted-ness I don't have and don't want; kids, a career, someone who's always up and out and doing things. I don't want any of those things. I want to do enough to support having this house and nothing more job-wise so I have as much free time as possible to hang out at home, do childish things, not go out to do much other than simple things like go for a drive. All that is fine if you're a teenager I guess, but not someone my age. All that with my crippling anxiety about intimacy and affection and all those things I want but can't have make me feel horrible, lonely, and hopeless, which is 'how I feel right now'. Just to let you know there are other people out there like that, probably more than you think. I'm a single woman and I'm not interested in a man who is always up and out and doing things. I'm not really searching for anyone, but when I do socialize with men, I am more content with someone who just likes to do simple things like go for a drive, walk or a bike ride, and isn't expecting all kinds of frenetic activity. I guess I feel like even in my 'simple' life, I don't have anything to offer anyone in general. Finding someone who wants to just hang around and play games and watch sci fi tv shows and listen to death metal (or who is okay with someone who does that).... impossible. I'm so strange that I just don't seem to have a "type" which isolates me even more than I do to myself. And I have no idea what to do about that. I can't even find another human being online with that set of interests, with my (lack of) ambition to "do something with my life". I don't know where to be when there's no place for me when it comes to romantic partners. And of course, my inability to approach people at all just makes the whole thing even more futile. Someone doesn't need to match all of your interests in your to be your friend or companion. Also, although what you may really want is a girlfriend, in the meanwhile it might be worthwhile to settle for companionship, acquaintances, or even just making conversation with strangers. But I think there's certainly a community of people who are into sci fi shows, trekkies etc. Maybe take a look at Meetup! groups in your area, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a scifi type meetup group. Just people to hang around with based on a shared interest. And I'm not trying to minimize your pain or suggest that there are easy solutions. I'm not offering solutions so much as little steps that might make you feel temporarily better and less isolated. Also, I've had boyfriends in the past and been just as miserable as I am alone (lol), if that makes any sense. It is hard to feel all alone and not understood or appreciated in a cold and indifferent universe, but believe me there are lots of people who are very alone, I am currently one of them. So you are not alone in your aloneness.... And again I'm not trying to minimize the pain you are in.
  4. I am sorry this happened Wrenn84. I just wanted to say, good for you in how responsibly and able you handled all of this. I agree the other dog should be reported. In parts of Ontario all dogs are required to wear muzzles out in public, even when on the leash (believe it or not). Maybe this pitbull could wear a loose muzzle, especially when off the leash. It's not like the dog can't breathe or open it's mouth; but you might suggest it to the owners of the pitbull. It's possible if it happens again, they would be facing a lawsuit, you might remind them of that. In my opinion, if you own a powerful breed like a pitbull, they should be carefully trained, and you should be a physically strong enough person to control them, and they should probably not be unleashed in dog parks if they are at all aggressive. It's the human owners, and not the dogs that are fault in incidences like this IMO. Good luck for your doggy's healing!
  5. Is this my downfall? It's a depression. It has been and may continue to cause you lots of difficulties. But it doesn't mean you are doomed to a life of pain and nothingness. There are ways to fight it, and if not be happy, to at least feel less anguished and somewhat better occasionally in the future. Do I deserve anything else? Yes you do. You deserve better. You may not believe it right now, but you have value, worth, and positive attributes. The world needs you. You can make a difference in someone's life, even if it is just making a passing kind comment to a lonely stranger. Am I really the monster that I fear I have become, or does the good outweigh the bad? Just like 99 % of depressed people, you are probably a good person. You are certainly not a monster. Most monsters (like Donald Trump IMO) are too vile to even realize they are monsters. Can I control my vices, is there even reason to? Or should I just relish in the race to the grave? Your vices are a coping and escape mechanism, but end up hurting you more than helping you in the long run. Believe me, I drank heavily for years, it was great, I enjoyed it. I stopped in 2012 because I realized it could **** me and it would be a painful ugly death. Do I feel a whole lot better for having stopped? Not really. ( But I look a lot better! and that counts for something.) And on the whole the drinking made my depression worse. ... Am I a good man? Or is every intention poisoned by some underlying idiocy and gullibility; am I so ignorant that I damage those around me? It's not black and white. You're a member of the human race, with a combination of strengths and weaknesses, and I doubt if you are only a source of damage to those around you. You may cause them pain and concern, but that doesn't make you evil, and that too is something that can be addressed and worked on. Just my opinions.
  6. How do I feel right now? Deflated and frustrated. I broke a bone in my foot in April 2015, and it has not healed properly and I am left with (so far) a permanently painful foot and complications. So I complained to the fracture clinic where I received my care, and this morning participated in a conference call with the head of surgery, the orthopedic surgeon who treated my foot, and some kind of patient complaints person. Of course the treating surgeon just blew off all my complaints and denied any wrong-doing, although I believe he overlooked some problems with my foot and was negligent. So, nothing was resolved; they just blew me off, and I'm stuck with a screwed-up foot. So I spent most of the day in bed sleeping and listening to podcasts ( my favorite way to deal with distress). On the other hand I'm reading a really good book by Dorothy Rowe called "Depression the way out your prison." She makes some good points.
  7. This is why I wouldn't bother dating, even if I had the courage and social skills to do it. I have no ambition to do things like that. A woman who wants a man my age typically wants a guy with the kind of structure and extroverted-ness I don't have and don't want; kids, a career, someone who's always up and out and doing things. I don't want any of those things. I want to do enough to support having this house and nothing more job-wise so I have as much free time as possible to hang out at home, do childish things, not go out to do much other than simple things like go for a drive. All that is fine if you're a teenager I guess, but not someone my age. All that with my crippling anxiety about intimacy and affection and all those things I want but can't have make me feel horrible, lonely, and hopeless, which is 'how I feel right now'. Just to let you know there are other people out there like that, probably more than you think. I'm a single woman and I'm not interested in a man who is always up and out and doing things. I'm not really searching for anyone, but when I do socialize with men, I am more content with someone who just likes to do simple things like go for a drive, walk or a bike ride, and isn't expecting all kinds of frenetic activity.
  8. blondi1965, Wow! These are very good points about depression---such a good post! Thank you! cheers, ellemint
  9. Yes, I have chronic pain problems too -- migraine, back pain, and joint problems. Right now I'm dealing with bone bruises to my foot so I can't even walk right. I find the more I exercise it actually helps with the musculo-skeletal pain, although sometimes my migraine is worse after a vigorous walk or run, something about the exertion brings on the migraine the next day. But I totally agree with you that it is hard to deal with both mind and body problems, and their interaction.
  10. I just checked in on this forum after a year and saw my own post. Update: I am STILL fighting the housing discrimination, still have not been able to live at the condo that I am co-owner of, STILL can't find a government agency that will help me take any action, still can't find a lawyer to take on my case on contingency. How can someone be denied housing in the USA because someone doesn't like them? And even worse, most likely doesn't like me because I have chronic depression? How is this even possible? Nevertheless I am continuing to fight.
  11. I think for me a genetic predispostion, and growing up in a household guaranteed to make even the most cheerful person want to **** themselves.
  12. The worst part for me is when I rally and make an effort, and instead of getting a good result, I get a horrible result and things end up worse than before. Example: I was going to make a fresh start purchasing a condo in Florida. To live there you need condo board approval, usually it is just a rubber stamp procedure. They would not approve my application---and no reason was ever given. I have no bad credit, no bankruptcies, no criminal record, a good record at my previous condo complex---it seems the condo board chairman took a dislike to me after someone told him that I had had "a nervous breakdown." Yes, it is illegal to discriminate based on "disability" and deny someone housing on those grounds. I contacted the appropriate local agencies and they would not take on the case because they said there was not enough evidence that my refusal was based on discrimination over my mental health; they said it appeared the chairman just didn't like me, and that they can't mandate someone to like someone! So, like I said worse than before. That's what bothers me the most about depression---making a huge effort---and things just getting worse.
  13. Have you ever heard of ACT --- Acceptance Compassion therapy? I have found it useful in my own life, on a self-help basis. Here's a good website for it: http://www.thehappinesstrap.com/ There's some free chapters from Russ Harris's books, and a link to a bunch of free resources on the left hand side. And a world-wide database of ACT therapists: http://contextualscience.org/civicrm/profile?gid=17&reset=1&force=1
  14. I rated myself a 5 because rationally I know that I'm not a bad or worthless person. But I sure don't treat myself very well, and most of my behavior reflects someone who doesn't think much of herself, so deep down I think that's the way I feel about myself.
  15. ibi88, I know exactly what you mean, and I usually follow this path of least resistance and fall into deeper depression. It can feel familiar and comfortable, and that's not a good thing in my opinion. It's like having a broken leg, and thinking, this isn't is so bad, I can live this way immobolized with my leg propped up in the air. :) I try to remind myself that depression is just one aspect of me, that there is also my strong vital vibrant self, and that's the side I have to fight to maintain in the face of this depressed side of myself. "Morbid masochism" describes it perfectly CWilkes89 ! (makes me think of the Freudians :) cheers! ellemint
  16. Those are wise words Writer2451, thank you. It's just what I needed to read this morning. I've been practicing mindfulness for a couple of months now, and it seems like I can always use another re"mind"er to stay mindful of the moment. lp44, I can relate to what you are saying, and feel the same way. I just wanted to say kudos to you for working all week, and taking care of your family and taking your kid to the game. Those are all big achievements in my opinion, and I am impressed with your ability to carry on despite feeling the way you feel. So, just wanted you to know that. I have not heard of Viibryd, what is it? cheers! ellemint
  17. I got on here today to see if Cymbalta caused anyone else problems with tiredness and excessive sleep and am glad I found this thread. I've been on 30 mg for about 2 1/2 weeks and I saw my psychiatrist a few days ago and he wanted me to increase it to 60 mg. I told him I was tired and sleeping a lot (which was already a problem for me), and he said that shouldn't be one of the side effects. So I looked up Cymbalta prescribing information from Lilly and sure enough under the top side effects it lists somnolence. Last night I was so tired I laid down at around 6 pm and didn't wake up until 5 a.m. today. Now that's great I'm getting up early, but I slept 11 hours! I don't understand why my psychiatrist wouldn't know that this is a common side effect of Cymbalta. Another side effect is hyperhidrosis, excessive sweatiness and perspiration, which I already have as a side effect from other medications I am on (celexa and vyvanse). I'm sweating right now and I'm just sitting here typing on my computer. Now I want to go off the Cymbalta. This is so discouraging. ellemint
  18. Dave, I can very much relate to what you are writing. It often feels like one-step forward, two-steps back. I catastrophize also that I'm going to end up broke and alone, living in some dismal place---but ofen those fears are caused by this horrible illness. It makes you feel like the worst outcome is always going to happen ----but that is not the case. Try to remember that depression will make you think the most dismal viewpoints are the truth even when they're not. take care, ellemint
  19. That's great news you found a possible teacher Lexicat ! I found another free French course, actually offered on-line by the Quebec government. Here is the link: http://www.micc-francisation.gouv.qc.ca/site/skin/htm/default.htm good luck!
  20. My pleasure, let us know how it goes. I started it when I first decided to move back to Canada, I got through a few sections and then lately I've been remiss in working on it---now I'm inspired to continue. It's actually fun :)
  21. Also, I guess I am still confused about the teacher. I know that French is the official language of quebec but even in France most younger people speak some English. Is the teacher unable to communicate in English or unwilling to? I just find it hard to believe that a Canadian teacher would be unable to speak some English.
  22. Lexicat, here is a free on-line french course from Carnegie-Mellon university that I have been doing. Go through the list and you can take Elementary French I or II. It's really good. They have videos of people actually speaking french and free interactive testing. https://oli.cmu.edu/...e-open-courses/ There are several free online university courses on the internet, google the terms and you'll find a bunch.
  23. Lexicat, does your son's pre-school teacher not speak English? I would think (hope) that most educators are bilingual.
  24. Oh, and one language-learning tip I was given once: Put sticky notes labelled in french on or near items, like "fourchette" for forks etc. or "la fenetre" for window around the house. When your son wants a fork or something, you can say to him "c'est une fourchette". I can't even imagine how touch pre-school is for him since the other kids are speaking French and probably not all that well, given how most four-year-olds talk. Also, be patient with yourself, learning a new language is tough!!! And pat yourself on the back for even one new word learned a day.
  25. Lexicat, I can very much relate to the big adjustment you are having to make. A year ago I moved back to Canada after living and working in the U.S. for 20 years, and even though I was born here, I have found it a huge adjustment --- and I haven't even had to learn a new language ! And I know the French language laws are extremely restrictive and there is a culture of anti-English there. I don't know where in Quebec you are and just an idea, but would it be possible to move across the border to the Ottawa/Hull region which is English on the Ottawa side? I lost everything, my condo, my car, my community, most of my belongings (at least I was able to bring my 2 cats) --- and Canada is a very different culture from the U.S., especially Quebec, so I really feel for you. I still haven't made any friends here, I don't feel like Canadians are that friendly, especially compared to the southern U.S. where I lived before. And I'm not working, so I feel very lonely and isolated ( no one seems to realize that Canadian unemployment is only 1 per centage point lower than in the U.S. !) Please feel free to PM me anytime. take care, ellemint
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