jitters94

Thanks to the replies so far. I still feel like I've given up and my only source is dependency on others validation. I'm making out manageable tasks to be impossible and having self-convincing pondering in my mind. Perhaps as my therapist told me yesterday, something along the lines of needing to validate myself.

Hi, I am tired of bothering the few friends with all my anxiety and obsessiveness. I have a past history of chronic depression. However, this time what hit me was an obsessive anxiety over a mistake I made in my mortgage which is 5 years in that I only realized a month ago. The thing is we are living okay though money is tight, but I developed an extreme fear in what could happen in 5 years. Full night sleep ceased. I was obsessing about it, and it has consumed me. Now I've gone to obsessing about work performance. I resigned to restarting Lexapro after I stopped 6 months ago. I did get started back with my pdoc and therapist. It gave me an initial lift, but I've felt bouncing back and forth. My doctor gave me a confident smile that Lexapro would work again since it worked well before. The assurances are nice but temporary. I am a highly accomplished hard worker in a fairly new job, but now I feel like a confused person giving up. I keep thinking I'm going to lose it all. I know the medication can't completely cure all, but I'm on 2 weeks and 2 days at 10mg and have had some good days, but still revert to withdrawing and sitting at my screen and combing through Lexapro and anxiety and depression discussion boards. Anxiety isn't as extreme as the last 2 weeks, but it's still gripping me. I begam self isolating at work since my job function is a bit independent and perhaps I did it to myself by leaving a difficult job where I did very well for this job where I'm new and have high expectations. But I keep panicking and am getting little of value done. I can't afford to be so reclusive and convinced I'm stuck in panic mode on my way to permanent failure. This is not the way I looked at things a month ago when I was first here. I was energetic and vibrant and realized there was a lot to learn and I was on my way up in the career. I have a beautiful wife and 2 daughters. I don't want them to suffer over daddy's failure when daddy was such a high achiever who cared so much for them. I'm tired of this adjustment period on Lexapro. It kicked me up from a deep depression and some anxiety when I was on it for nearly 8 years before. I guess I'm a fool for going off it, but I don't know if it would have made a difference in the current situation. If there is anyone out there in the Internet world that responds, I'll be much grateful. Why did my view of things go from so optimistic to such a mess in such a short period of time? I still have hope, but it's dwindling.