Jump to content

evalynn

Platinum Member
  • Content Count

    5,394
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    170

Reputation Activity

  1. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from eternaloptimist for a blog entry, Before I Talk Myself Out Of It...   
    ~I often wonder why I get treated like a child, but when I stop and reflect, I realize that I act like one a good deal of the time. Is it possible for one's maturity to stagnate, or even fall backwards? If so, how will I ever stand on my own two feet?
    ~I spend an exorbitant amount of time trying to talk myself out of how I really feel. Not only do I judge my feelings--which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing most of the time--but I harbor them like fugitives instead of working through them. I'm never able to move on, because that would require exploring how I can change them and then actually doing something about it.
    ~Sometimes looking in the mirror and realizing that the person looking back at me is supposedly me is completely terrifying and not completely believable. The simple thought that I exist is more than I can do deal with at times, and I don't quite know when this started or how to snap out of it.
    ~I don't know how to live in the present moment. I live in the past and I live in the future, and the present is like an unloved relative that I ignore and often forget exists.
    ~I self-sabotage so often and so effictively that I don't even try to stop doing so when I'm conscious of it. It's like a game that I feel compelled to play.
    ~I feel like I've completely lost control, but I don't feel like trying to get it back yet. I feel like I'm falling in slow motion, and I know I'll eventually hit the ground, but I can't think that far ahead.
    ~The thing I hate the most about myself is my cowardice. There are times when I know what I should and could do, but just don't because the fear is easier.
  2. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from eternaloptimist for a blog entry, All There Will Ever Be (Poem)   
    I have a strong desire
    To fall into the sea--
    And feel the water carry me,
    And the sun paint my body with its rays,
    And the salt of the air pierce my tongue,
    And shrill caw of the gulls beckon from the distant sky,
    And the wind and waves toss me to and fro--
    And I will fear nothing--
    Not even the shark’s bite or the jellyfish’s sting,
    Or the impenetrable night or the angry storm--
    Because I will have surrendered
    To the uncertainty of things
    And that’s all there is,
    all there will ever be.
  3. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from starla1979 for a blog entry, All There Will Ever Be (Poem)   
    I have a strong desire
    To fall into the sea--
    And feel the water carry me,
    And the sun paint my body with its rays,
    And the salt of the air pierce my tongue,
    And shrill caw of the gulls beckon from the distant sky,
    And the wind and waves toss me to and fro--
    And I will fear nothing--
    Not even the shark’s bite or the jellyfish’s sting,
    Or the impenetrable night or the angry storm--
    Because I will have surrendered
    To the uncertainty of things
    And that’s all there is,
    all there will ever be.
  4. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from BryBry for a blog entry, All There Will Ever Be (Poem)   
    I have a strong desire
    To fall into the sea--
    And feel the water carry me,
    And the sun paint my body with its rays,
    And the salt of the air pierce my tongue,
    And shrill caw of the gulls beckon from the distant sky,
    And the wind and waves toss me to and fro--
    And I will fear nothing--
    Not even the shark’s bite or the jellyfish’s sting,
    Or the impenetrable night or the angry storm--
    Because I will have surrendered
    To the uncertainty of things
    And that’s all there is,
    all there will ever be.
  5. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from starla1979 for a blog entry, Random Free Write (Or, Life As A Story)   
    Sometimes it’s as if reality is right in front of me but just out of reach. It’s the white rabbit, and I’m Alice—and I can’t quite keep up with the skittish animal determined to flee my reach. It’s a never-ending race through rose bushes and brambles, trying not to snag my clothes on any thorns as I run far faster than my body can handle but still too slowly to reach my prey. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, it’s maddening. And if I stop to let myself really look at the situation, I see that I am truly mad. Whether from the chase or the fear or just my natural fate, I am completely mad. Mad as a hatter. And mad as hell.
    And once I let myself reach that conclusion, it’s like the Earth moves from under me. Either that or my center of gravity shifts wildly off its axis. I can no longer tell which way is up and which way is down. My wits are scattered, and I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to pick up all the marbles on the ground. All I know is that I’m tired, so tired. And sometimes I care too much and sometimes I barely give a crap. Sometimes the rain falls up and sometimes it falls down. If this isn’t wonderland, then where the hell am I? I can’t even pretend to know.
    So that’s where I am now. This is where the story begins…or ends. Depending on which way you look at it. In real life, there’s no story arch. There’s no real way to tell if you’re in your rising action or falling action, the climax of something big or the near the cusp of a denouement. The universe doesn’t design human lives in terms of story archs, does it? Or if it does, the story is so big, so detailed, that our tiny part is hard to separate from the rest of the giant tome. I wonder if, one day, we ever get a chance to look at that book. Would an eternity even be enough time to read the story of the history of the entire universe? Would it be a tragedy, a comedy, a satire?
  6. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from BryBry for a blog entry, Random Free Write (Or, Life As A Story)   
    Sometimes it’s as if reality is right in front of me but just out of reach. It’s the white rabbit, and I’m Alice—and I can’t quite keep up with the skittish animal determined to flee my reach. It’s a never-ending race through rose bushes and brambles, trying not to snag my clothes on any thorns as I run far faster than my body can handle but still too slowly to reach my prey. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, it’s maddening. And if I stop to let myself really look at the situation, I see that I am truly mad. Whether from the chase or the fear or just my natural fate, I am completely mad. Mad as a hatter. And mad as hell.
    And once I let myself reach that conclusion, it’s like the Earth moves from under me. Either that or my center of gravity shifts wildly off its axis. I can no longer tell which way is up and which way is down. My wits are scattered, and I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to pick up all the marbles on the ground. All I know is that I’m tired, so tired. And sometimes I care too much and sometimes I barely give a crap. Sometimes the rain falls up and sometimes it falls down. If this isn’t wonderland, then where the hell am I? I can’t even pretend to know.
    So that’s where I am now. This is where the story begins…or ends. Depending on which way you look at it. In real life, there’s no story arch. There’s no real way to tell if you’re in your rising action or falling action, the climax of something big or the near the cusp of a denouement. The universe doesn’t design human lives in terms of story archs, does it? Or if it does, the story is so big, so detailed, that our tiny part is hard to separate from the rest of the giant tome. I wonder if, one day, we ever get a chance to look at that book. Would an eternity even be enough time to read the story of the history of the entire universe? Would it be a tragedy, a comedy, a satire?
  7. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from eternaloptimist for a blog entry, That Illusive Creature We Call Motivation   
    Motivation is such an illusive little beast. Like a sweet pet, it sits in my lap and obeys attentively every time the new year approaches. As a result, I start getting lofty ideas about what I can do and all the impressive things I will accomplish with Motivation by my side. I somehow believe that if I just try harder this year, I can make all my dreams come true. Get in shape? Sure. Write a book? Of course. Beat depression? Well...why not? My sweet, sweet Motivation will not leave me this time and I will be invincible! Then a few days roll by...Motivation is still by my side, wagging its tail and accompanying me down the trail. A few weeks roll by...Motivation's tail is no longer wagging...and he is no longer obeying my commands as quickly as before. Then, one fateful day, I feel the leash ripped from my hands and Motivation has run away from me. Again! I feel abandoned, of course. Frustrated and a little angry. Why would Motivation do this to me? Will i ever see him again? Should I go looking for him? Should I post lost signs?
    They say that there's no such thing as bad pets, only bad owners. In the case of my anthropomorphic motivation, I have obviously failed to give it the proper care and attention. One of the more important foods, I feel, is inspiration. Yet the need for inspiration is problematic in itself. How do I maintain a healthy supply of inspiration when I am grappling with depression and anxiety? Some days (hell, many days), I don't even want to get out of bed. The world is in shades of gray, as if bled of all color. There's only so much inspiration that can be garnered from a gray world.
    (Ok, so here I admit that, appropriately enough, I've been struggling to finish this piece. After taking great pains to complete that last paragraph, I am unsure if it expresses what I mean. On top of that, I'm at a loss as to how to end this entry. I wanted to end at a positive note of self-revelation, but I don't really have one. So I'll end with some questions:)
    How do I keep my motivation year round? How do I properly nourish it so I can it will stay with me? How do I find inspiration in the face of anxiety and depression?
  8. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from Oneoff for a blog entry, Breaking The Chains Of Codependency   
    My whole adult life I’ve been in a relationship. The first began a few months into college and went on for more than five years. The second--and last-- just ended. That one began a few months into moving to Florida and lasted about five years. Notice a pattern, anyone? (It just clicked for me, right now, to be honest.)
    I think I’ve been so afraid of being alone that I subconsciously clung to people I felt safe with. Not to say I didn’t love them, because I did. I cared for them a great deal, and still do. But I’m not sure if I was always in love with them. Or if maybe we would’ve been more suited as friends.
    I’m only beginning to scratch the surface of my codependency issues. My whole life, others picked up the slack for me in those areas where I struggled. So I never learned to stand up on my own two feet. The evidence builds as I become mindful of it. In my family, if someone doesn’t know how to do something, the other person does it for her rather than teach her how to do it for herself. Everyone has their role, even in an emotional sense. Consequently, no one ever learns or grows, and we all become far more essential to each other than we should be. Instead of five collaborators, we are more like five puzzle pieces that need to be put together to form one complete picture.
    The issue is further compounded by the other problems I have, such as social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, and very likely borderline personality disorder. Nevertheless, I think my codependency is a major contributing factor to my relationship issues.
    At this point in my life, I need to break—or sneakily gnaw-off-- the chain of codependency. I will only gain self-esteem and self-worth if I learn to be reasonably self-sufficient. Only then, I believe, will I be capable of entering a healthy relationship—one where we are together because we want to be, and not because we feel we need to be.
    (Special recognition goes to the DF chat members—you know who you are!—for their support and wisdom.)
  9. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from eternaloptimist for a blog entry, Breaking The Chains Of Codependency   
    My whole adult life I’ve been in a relationship. The first began a few months into college and went on for more than five years. The second--and last-- just ended. That one began a few months into moving to Florida and lasted about five years. Notice a pattern, anyone? (It just clicked for me, right now, to be honest.)
    I think I’ve been so afraid of being alone that I subconsciously clung to people I felt safe with. Not to say I didn’t love them, because I did. I cared for them a great deal, and still do. But I’m not sure if I was always in love with them. Or if maybe we would’ve been more suited as friends.
    I’m only beginning to scratch the surface of my codependency issues. My whole life, others picked up the slack for me in those areas where I struggled. So I never learned to stand up on my own two feet. The evidence builds as I become mindful of it. In my family, if someone doesn’t know how to do something, the other person does it for her rather than teach her how to do it for herself. Everyone has their role, even in an emotional sense. Consequently, no one ever learns or grows, and we all become far more essential to each other than we should be. Instead of five collaborators, we are more like five puzzle pieces that need to be put together to form one complete picture.
    The issue is further compounded by the other problems I have, such as social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, and very likely borderline personality disorder. Nevertheless, I think my codependency is a major contributing factor to my relationship issues.
    At this point in my life, I need to break—or sneakily gnaw-off-- the chain of codependency. I will only gain self-esteem and self-worth if I learn to be reasonably self-sufficient. Only then, I believe, will I be capable of entering a healthy relationship—one where we are together because we want to be, and not because we feel we need to be.
    (Special recognition goes to the DF chat members—you know who you are!—for their support and wisdom.)
  10. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from starla1979 for a blog entry, Fly High (Break-Up Poem)   
    i was the thorn in your side
    i was the shadow and you were the light
    i was the fall, you're the pride
    you were the moon and i was the night
    never deserved all your love
    you never deserved all the pain
    you were the branch and the dove
    and i was the gilded cage
    now it's time for me to open the latch;
    fly away now and find safer ground
    fly so high that you'll make me proud
    and enjoy the new land you've found
    and if sometime you think of me,
    i'll only be so lucky for that
    and if sometime you're in need of me
    i'll never be so worthy of that
    one day you'll find the right one
    and she'll be the stars to your sky
    and she'll be the wife and the mom
    but until then, my dear, fly high
  11. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from starla1979 for a blog entry, Change Is Hard To Do   
    The problem with looking at yourself for who you really are is that, once done, you can't go back. The ignorance is gone, and even if you try to cling to that, deep down you'll know that you're desperately grasping onto a fading illusion. I think that's why I hear alarm bells whirring in my head anytime I approach some new discovery about myself. I don't want to see it, because I don't want it to be real. And I don't want it to be real, because that means I'm going to have to deal with it eventually. So, I suppose that what I'm really afraid of is my own inability to better myself. I try to convince myself that the sand I've dug my head into is actually quite pleasant and there is no need for me to stand tall and look into the mirror.
    Now, I'm standing at a precipice. I think I know what I should do, but the fear is settling in. I may very well manage to gather the strength needed to do what I have to do, but once the adrenaline wears off, I will be left exhausted as I try to pick-up the pieces. And that's a really scary prospect.
    On the other hand, what if I'm wrong and make a bad decision? I have to consider that side, as well, and what the fallout could be.
    I have a lot to think about. I hope I don't spend too much time thinking, and miss the chance to act.
×
×
  • Create New...