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evalynn

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  1. Sad
    evalynn reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, "In My Garden"   
    I had a bit of a breakdown at work today. I flashed onto the name of a daycare center near here. It's called "In My Garden". That sent me down into a spiral of despair and regret. When my daughter was little, probably 18 years ago, we made her a reading nook in the back yard. It was nestled in between some tall shrubbery, more or less hidden from view. We created a fairy ring/garden in the middle of it. She loved to sit in there, enjoying the refuge from "the real world". I loved to see her in there of course...knowing that she was insulated from the ugliness of this F'd up world.
    There are billions of kids in this world. A majority of them are dying of disease, starvation, and neglect. Others are being blown to bits in wars over greed and power. All kids should have a place in a garden of their own. I wish my daughter didn't have to grow up in such a sick mess that we humans have created. I'm so damned sad just thinking about it, to the point of despair.
  2. Sad
    evalynn reacted to VictorianGoth for a blog entry, Ever envy the dead?   
    I do.
    The dead don't have to live.
    They don't have to experience pain anymore.
    They don't have to cry.
    They don't have to feel the depression inside.
    They don't have struggle.
    The dead are free.
    I long for freedom.
    I am always feeling trapped. 
    I long to be free.
    Life is stifling. 
    Death is freedom. 
    I envy the dead. I understand why those decide suicide. 
    IT HURTS.
    It hurts SO MUCH to live.
    To live like this.
    It is so painful. 
    I want to stop hurting. 
    I envy those in death. 
  3. Like
    evalynn reacted to nirah007 for a blog entry, Gratitude Journal   
    I saw a gratitude journal here so I’m gonna continue mine too. I had one but did not continue it. But I’m gonna turn it into a simple “best parts of the day” gratitude journal. So here’s a simple one:
    Today, I am thankful that my Husband said that he loves me, I ate fried rice for breakfast and my boss did not get angry for me coming in late to work.
  4. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from Oneoff for a blog entry, Breaking The Chains Of Codependency   
    My whole adult life I’ve been in a relationship. The first began a few months into college and went on for more than five years. The second--and last-- just ended. That one began a few months into moving to Florida and lasted about five years. Notice a pattern, anyone? (It just clicked for me, right now, to be honest.)
    I think I’ve been so afraid of being alone that I subconsciously clung to people I felt safe with. Not to say I didn’t love them, because I did. I cared for them a great deal, and still do. But I’m not sure if I was always in love with them. Or if maybe we would’ve been more suited as friends.
    I’m only beginning to scratch the surface of my codependency issues. My whole life, others picked up the slack for me in those areas where I struggled. So I never learned to stand up on my own two feet. The evidence builds as I become mindful of it. In my family, if someone doesn’t know how to do something, the other person does it for her rather than teach her how to do it for herself. Everyone has their role, even in an emotional sense. Consequently, no one ever learns or grows, and we all become far more essential to each other than we should be. Instead of five collaborators, we are more like five puzzle pieces that need to be put together to form one complete picture.
    The issue is further compounded by the other problems I have, such as social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, and very likely borderline personality disorder. Nevertheless, I think my codependency is a major contributing factor to my relationship issues.
    At this point in my life, I need to break—or sneakily gnaw-off-- the chain of codependency. I will only gain self-esteem and self-worth if I learn to be reasonably self-sufficient. Only then, I believe, will I be capable of entering a healthy relationship—one where we are together because we want to be, and not because we feel we need to be.
    (Special recognition goes to the DF chat members—you know who you are!—for their support and wisdom.)
  5. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Me and My Traitorous Body   
    Ok, so maybe I'm the traitor and not my body. I don't go to sleep when I should. I don't work out as much as I could. And I give in to sugar and carb cravings far too often. I know I should really be mad at myself and not my body. Two years ago, I miraculously reached my goal weight and I was so happy. I fit into a pair of jeans I  hadn't been able to get into for years, and I even posted on Facebook about it. After that, I started to get lazy. I stopped working out everyday and recording everything I ate. So I gradually started gaining weight again. Now I weigh more than I did when I started my weight loss journey the first time. And I'm far less motivated because I know how easy it is to gain it all back after all that hard work.
    It doesn't help that I have random aches and pains. My left leg in particular sometimes bothers me, burning from the inside from the knee down. Sometimes when I try to go on long walks, my feet go numb, which is pretty scary. I've also gotten the most painful splints as I've tried to get back into walking.Two weeks ago, I hurt  the muscle in my upper arm and it still hasn't gone back to normal.  All this doesn't help my motivation. Add to that, that no  longer how long I sleep, I still wake up tired. I can't even remember if there was ever I time when I used to wake up refreshed. Usually I gain more energy as the day goes on, so that I'm the most awake at night. So then I don't want to go back to sleep, and the cycle continues.
    I know the answer is to push myself to workout regularly and watch what I eat. I'm just so frustrated and unmotivated. I'm just venting here, I suppose. Maybe if I "talk" about it, I'll be able to push myself more. I also have to change my relationship with food, but that's hard when it's one of my few true pleasures in life. Health food is expensive, and doesn't always satisfy me. I'm going to have to figure something out eventually, or just stop caring.
  6. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from lex333 for a blog entry, Me and My Traitorous Body   
    Ok, so maybe I'm the traitor and not my body. I don't go to sleep when I should. I don't work out as much as I could. And I give in to sugar and carb cravings far too often. I know I should really be mad at myself and not my body. Two years ago, I miraculously reached my goal weight and I was so happy. I fit into a pair of jeans I  hadn't been able to get into for years, and I even posted on Facebook about it. After that, I started to get lazy. I stopped working out everyday and recording everything I ate. So I gradually started gaining weight again. Now I weigh more than I did when I started my weight loss journey the first time. And I'm far less motivated because I know how easy it is to gain it all back after all that hard work.
    It doesn't help that I have random aches and pains. My left leg in particular sometimes bothers me, burning from the inside from the knee down. Sometimes when I try to go on long walks, my feet go numb, which is pretty scary. I've also gotten the most painful splints as I've tried to get back into walking.Two weeks ago, I hurt  the muscle in my upper arm and it still hasn't gone back to normal.  All this doesn't help my motivation. Add to that, that no  longer how long I sleep, I still wake up tired. I can't even remember if there was ever I time when I used to wake up refreshed. Usually I gain more energy as the day goes on, so that I'm the most awake at night. So then I don't want to go back to sleep, and the cycle continues.
    I know the answer is to push myself to workout regularly and watch what I eat. I'm just so frustrated and unmotivated. I'm just venting here, I suppose. Maybe if I "talk" about it, I'll be able to push myself more. I also have to change my relationship with food, but that's hard when it's one of my few true pleasures in life. Health food is expensive, and doesn't always satisfy me. I'm going to have to figure something out eventually, or just stop caring.
  7. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from GSpolar for a blog entry, But I Have Nothing To Say...   
    ...That's my problem.
    I want to write, but I never feel like I have anything to say.
    I'm not an interesting person. My own life bores me. I have a fairly active imagination, but something happens in the process of getting it to the page. My inner critic I guess. She sits by my ear, and she doesn't have an off button.
    But all of this applies to fiction. Writing a blog is another thing, with its own set of problems. Mainly being brave enough to be vulnerable. I read a quote somewhere (I wish I had written down the source) that if you don't feel vulnerable when you're writing, then you're not doing it right...or something. That was a definite paraphrase. Anyway, those words set something off in me the way hearing a certain truth does. I don't like being vulnerable. But I can only write from my heart when I'm willing to do so.
    Now what does this have to do with writing a blog for DF? Surely I can write about whatever I want as long as its vaguely depression related. Hell, I could write about my list of baby names. I don't expect many people would find that to be scintillating material, but I get the feeling this is mainly supposed to be about me. Sharing myself. Working things out through words. I love words, but maybe they don't love me. One of us is failing the other more than 50 percent of the time. The ideas, when I have them, don't make it to the page (or the screen) the way they were meant to while they were still floating around in my head. Damn critic. I know she's to blame.
    So I guess I did have something to write about after all: how my critic is ruining my writing life. She's so stifling. Like an overbearing, controlling parent. I need to learn to tune her out the way I do my other long-winded relatives. But admittedly, I find her quite protective. It's a unhealthy relationship for sure.
    Well, it's something to ponder anyway. 
    I think the klonipin might be kicking in.
    So...ta-ta.
  8. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, But I Have Nothing To Say...   
    ...That's my problem.
    I want to write, but I never feel like I have anything to say.
    I'm not an interesting person. My own life bores me. I have a fairly active imagination, but something happens in the process of getting it to the page. My inner critic I guess. She sits by my ear, and she doesn't have an off button.
    But all of this applies to fiction. Writing a blog is another thing, with its own set of problems. Mainly being brave enough to be vulnerable. I read a quote somewhere (I wish I had written down the source) that if you don't feel vulnerable when you're writing, then you're not doing it right...or something. That was a definite paraphrase. Anyway, those words set something off in me the way hearing a certain truth does. I don't like being vulnerable. But I can only write from my heart when I'm willing to do so.
    Now what does this have to do with writing a blog for DF? Surely I can write about whatever I want as long as its vaguely depression related. Hell, I could write about my list of baby names. I don't expect many people would find that to be scintillating material, but I get the feeling this is mainly supposed to be about me. Sharing myself. Working things out through words. I love words, but maybe they don't love me. One of us is failing the other more than 50 percent of the time. The ideas, when I have them, don't make it to the page (or the screen) the way they were meant to while they were still floating around in my head. Damn critic. I know she's to blame.
    So I guess I did have something to write about after all: how my critic is ruining my writing life. She's so stifling. Like an overbearing, controlling parent. I need to learn to tune her out the way I do my other long-winded relatives. But admittedly, I find her quite protective. It's a unhealthy relationship for sure.
    Well, it's something to ponder anyway. 
    I think the klonipin might be kicking in.
    So...ta-ta.
  9. Like
    evalynn reacted to thursdayschild for a blog entry, I Think, Therefore I'm Depressed   
    The reason my blog is called "I Think" is because that is the root of all my problems.  Well my depression/anxiety at least.  I'm not saying this to brag, but although I'm not formally educated, I have a pretty high IQ.  I think that the majority of people on here probably do too.  It's us thinkers who get into trouble.  We just think too much.  I think the less intelligent people, the simple people, are probably much happier in life.  Because they aren't stuck in their heads.  
    We think we can think our way out of depression, when it's our very thoughts (negative) that are keeping us stuck.  We wallow in the mud that we create in our minds, and we wonder when it's going to get better.  Well it's not going to get better by wallowing in it.  Our negative thoughts and negative self-talk are bad habits.  I am so very guilty of this.  I'm constantly monitoring my mood, constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking I'm coming up short.  I see others here all doing the same thing.  Thinking is bad.  If only we could completely switch off our minds and take a break from the constant stream of thoughts.  
  10. Like
    evalynn reacted to carter_burn1 for a blog entry, Good Day So Far!   
    I woke up this morning feeling good. Last night was a test...had an argument with my significant other. It happens. We're both very opinionated and strong-willed people, and when our thinking and opinions don't line up, we let each other know about it. I got overly emotional and acted in an uncharacteristic way...normally, I try to be very patient and understanding, and to always think about where the other person is coming from. Last night, because it was an issue that affected me negatively emotionally, I got even more emotional when I thought I wasn't being fully understood and supported. I reacted poorly.
    But here's the great part - we took a 20-30 minute cool down period, and when we started talking again, we were both apologetic and ready to be rational and understanding with each other again. I don't think the value of that aspect of our relationship can be understated, you know? I'm so grateful to be in love with a girl who is this amazing. I'm so grateful to be in an actual adult, healthy relationship for a change. I truly am the luckiest guy on earth.
    So I was feeling good about that last night. I love that we can sort this stuff out quickly. Going to bed angry/upset with the person you're with is one of the worst things in the world. I'm super grateful that I haven't had to do that with my girl since we started this newest relationship, and tbh I don't really see a scenario when I'll ever have to. We're both very quick to admit when we're wrong and apologize. It's just...awesome.
    I was already in a good mood when I woke up, and then I realized my FedEx package with my meds was already here. I called in that Patient Assistance, free medication program prescription yesterday around 3pm. Sixteen hours later, the meds are at my front door. I'm so grateful for that...after so many years of frustration with pdocs and meds and prescriptions, I've found one that really works. I get it for free, and they ship it right to my door. Again...I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I must have been being a good person lately, because it feels like Karma is spoiling me. It's wonderful to feel like the universe is rewarding me instead of prisonraping me, lol 
  11. Like
    evalynn reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, Leaving DF for Now ~ Farewell and Thank You   
    I have decided to leave DF, at least temporarily. It is now time for me to move on and spread my wings. I have a new website/blog that is taking off to focus on, a new Happiness Facebook page and an upcoming course that will take over my life for the next two months. DF has served me well, but it is time to now bid my farewells for now and wish everyone here all the best. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those who have been generous and kind towards me, and to all those who have provided me with much needed support over the last year. Some days, I couldn't have made it through without you, so I am so deeply grateful to all those who have helped me along the way!!

    Take care, everyone.

    Love and peace,
    River
  12. Like
    evalynn reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Rage   
    Me. Frustration.
     Anger in the face of constant disappointment, self-hate, helplessness  and allround nihilism.
    The feel of not being taken seriously. 
    The apparent disinterest in my case as a potential bipolar/bpd. Being shoved back to the end of the line, not getting the chance to say anything about the matter. 
    Treating mental health. I'd laugh if it wasn't dead serious. Emphasis on dead.
    Constant pain, wandering all over my body. 
    This time it's my shin. Ankle. Foot.
    At the moment I have trouble walking. I walk 50 yards and I feel someone has stuck a white hot iron bar in the place of my shinbone, pain searing down my ankle to my my big toe. Then I feel the numbness. 
    Fk this crap, this constant pain of seven years. In my body. 
    In my spirit too. But the spiritual turmoil has been around way longer.
    The vacuum where a soul should be. I'm dead inside.
    So to compensate, I rage. Selfharm.
    A short but intense beating I gave myself just two hours ago. So now my head hurts too.
    I'm in hell and there is no way out.
  13. Like
    evalynn reacted to Lady Mozzer for a blog entry, Anxiety   
    There has been a lot of stress in my life lately.It`s my Mom that`s really been suffering,She recently had surgery.Her surgery went well and she is healing well physically.It seemed after the surgery she developed insomnia.We  and her doctor think that her insomnia has caused her to have really bad anxiety.She is really going through a really tough time right now.I feel absolutely helpless because there is nothing I can do to ease her suffering.I`ve never seen my Mom like this and it really scares me.She has always been the rock of our family.It really hurts me to see her this way.She is seeing another doctor on Monday to see if anxiety is really the cause of her problems.We are all praying that my Mom gets better soon.We all really need and love her.She is the kindest ,most generous person and she doesn`t deserve this.If anyone is reading this please keep her and my family in your thoughts and prayers.Thanks for reading.
  14. Like
    evalynn reacted to carter_burn1 for a blog entry, Insomnia>Sleeping Meds Tonight   
    This is it, this is the night I forget about all year long, but the one night that happens every year. Every year in December here on the Gulf Coast, at some random time before Christmas, we always have a very weird, creepy night. It's in the weather. It's a smell. You can feel it in your bones. It's like the whole world, and everything on it, takes a deep breath and lies still. Even the weather phoned it in tonight. The air is thick, on the verge of fog...it deadens any sounds that might be being made before they can travel far. It's not hot or cold, or even warm or cool...it's like the air is completely devoid of a temperature. The breeze is listless and has almost a desperate, dying feel to it. The sky is cloudy, a grayish-red color that makes you think of the word "witchlight." The clouds move across the sky in spurts and stops...speeding up and then running out of gas. The very air tries to lull you into a stupor...you find yourself swaying on your feet and staring off into the witchlit horizon.
    Creepy.
    Cool.
  15. Like
    evalynn reacted to anita_123 for a blog entry, A Day In a Cult   
    I have always been fascinated with cults, and I love watching their documentaries. The ones I watch are scary but I can't blame people if they get brainwashed by these people. 
    This happened a year ago when my friend was approached by a woman who asked if she would like to join a bible study. I am a Christian but at the same time, I'm not? (I've been baptized lol, but I was baptized as a Catholic as well). I thought it would be fun to go on a bible study, and my friend did too. So we agreed to go. This was close to Easter. My friend and I are of different schools so we met up at a place, and we met the lady. She seemed really nice and friendly. Now, I'm sure y'all would be annoyed at how stupid we are for going to these places. Just know that before we went, we made sure that it was a legit church and we also made sure that we had each orher's back (not to be brainwashed). We didn't know it was a cult at first. 
    We met the lady at the bus station, and she brought us to the church. The church was so small, it was like an apartment. Outside of it is a baseball court (weird right). 
    So we went into the church and was brought into a room. There were other women as well and they looked so fragile but excited. Now, in the room, it was just a woman and 2 of us. She explained the purpose of the church which I honestly don't recall and then proceeded to play a video that was 45 MINUTES LONG. The wHOLE ******* VIDEO WAS LITERALLY ABOUT ALL THE BRANCHES THEY HAVE (especially in the developing countries) anD HOW THEY ALL GATHER TO KOREA TO MEET THE MOTHER. Y'all, this mother apparently hears the word of God. THEY EVEN HAVE A CHANT. "we love you" LIKE O MY GAWD. So that went on and on and on about how they have churches in Kenya and India and China idk. I started to get really wary because I was scared to get brainwashed. The video ended and they offered us food. OK YALL MAY THINK IM RIDICULOUS BUT I DID NOT TOUCH THE FOOD BECAUSE I WAS SCARED. My friend felt the same way too. Then, she started to do bible study with us. 
    Ok, here's the confusing part. She literally jumps from verses to verses throughout the book and mAKING A STORY OUT OF IT. So its basically taking a verse out and creating a new context and putting those verses together. 
    Throughout the bible study, she kept saying baptism baptism baptism. She said that the only way to God was baptism, and eating at the right time when God sacrificed himself. I'm not going to lie. I have a weak mind, and if I didn't have a friend, I probably would have joined the church. Here's a reason why. I feel lonely, I feel like I want a support group, and right in front of my eyes, these people looked like they were able to provide me as such. I didn't know where I belong, I just want to feel like I belong. It's exactly like the episode in Boy Meets World where Shawn joined a cult because he never felt like he had a place in the world and the cult gave me a sense of belonging. I understood how he felt, and I yearned for that feeling too. My friend, on the other hand, was much more stronger. At the end of the bible study, all they wanted us to do is to be baptized. I've already been baptized so I'm good, but my friend has not (and she admitted though I wish she didn't) and their eyes immediately LIT. THEY WERE EXCITED. They started pushing my friend to get baptized and I had to say, "oh no, she has to consult her parents first" like hell, we were only 17. They kept pushing and pushing. It was already 8:30pm at night. As I looked around the room, I realized...... they were all women. and they look so sad. They just seemed so lost....so robotic. 
    My friend and I quickly rushed out of the place anD we went to google "Mother of God" and it was stated as a cult. We weren't surprised but we were glad that we got out of there. 
    My point of the story isn't exactly how I was able to leave the cult. It's more like why these cults exist and thrive. 
    These people take their chances and find people that are unhappy and vulnerable. They give them the sense of protection and warmth, making it difficult to leave. I am really lucky that I had a friend by my side, because we reminded each other that we are not alone. Yet, at the back of my mind, I was tempted to join. I want to have friends, I thought maybe these women would be able to understand what I'm going through. 
    These cults thrive because people like you and me exist. We want to validate our existence, we want to feel loved. We want someone to tell us what to do, because we feel like we are going nowhere. We want to forget our sufferings because we believe that these people could help take it away. 
    I can't tell you how to stay away or detect cults, I can't tell you anything much. I can just tell you how I almost got pulled into a cult because of what they offer. Belonging.
  16. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, I hate us   
    I hate the things I can't say, but can't stop thinking about.
    I hate the things you don't acknowlege, because you don't care about them.
    I hate the way I feel when I'm around you, and how I won't walk away.
    I hate the sacrifices I've made, and the challenges I gave up on.
    I hate that I can't continuously and vehemently hate you,
    but that I also can't stop periodically hating you.
    I hate that I probably hate myself more than I hate you,
    which is what makes it hard for me to hate you.
  17. Like
    evalynn reacted to GSpolar for a blog entry, In Stillness, the blocks of Sprinting   
    You were not a mistake.  Your body says lay down.  And the world calls you 'guilty'!
    For not sweeping the floors in harmony with them.
    For not holding your breath
    To make your body square
    To fit into their cubicle
    Action, action, action, don't just stand there, do something repetitive and mindless like the rest of us!!
    They told us that a body must move alot to remain in motion, eh?
    as though laws of rigid body physics applied to the disruptive thought potential of the depressive
    But that is a lie
    A still body; open, quiet, and listening, not forcing, just being
    hears things that the frantic masses
    Will never hear standing up.
    My best ideas
    have come
    by laying
    the fu ck down.
    But when they come, fellow depressives,
    write them down
    and take that ball downfield
    As if this is what you were born to do
    Those moments of inspiration, deepest love for humanity, the odd idea that will bend the world into uncomfortable bloom
    That's you.
     
  18. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from BettrResultsHereIHope for a blog entry, I hate my life.   
    I hate my life.
    Maybe I'm just not grateful enough. Unlike others in the world, I'm not homeless. I'm not living in a war-torn country. I'm not a victim of abuse or addiction. I have food and clean water and even TV, internet access, a car and a cell phone. I have a husband and a cute puppy and parents and sisters. 
    And yet I still hate my life.
    Nothing about it is satisfying to me. I can be "content" when things are particularly going my way--but it's like a fleeting contentment over things that really don't matter. Or it's relief that something terrible was avoided...but once that terror has been forgotten, I'm back to being nonchalant over everything I have.
    Sometimes I convince myself that once I reach a certain milestone, I'll achieve happiness. When I was little, I thought I'd be happy by the time I was an adult and "making my own decisions". I'm an adult now--in my 30s--and now I'm hoping by middle age I'll somehow stop caring about what other people think or what I don't have. Ha
    What problems were solved by my recent marriage were replaced with a  whole new set. At least I'm smart enough (now!) to realize that I should never have children. Doesn't keep me from feeling a tugging in my proverbial womb everytime I'm around a beautiful baby. Fortunately, that's been overshadowed by the litany of reasons I've committed to memory about why my husband and I have no business having one. The result is that I'm simply bitter about the whole thing.
    I honestly wish I could run away from my life. As if such a thing is possible. I have no way to even attempt that, except in my dreams. And if I'm going to dream for that, I might as well wish for a time machine to start over from the beginning but with whatever wisdom I've gathered thus far. Bar that actually happening... I don't even know. I just feel trapped in this negative spiral.
     
     
  19. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, I hate my life.   
    I hate my life.
    Maybe I'm just not grateful enough. Unlike others in the world, I'm not homeless. I'm not living in a war-torn country. I'm not a victim of abuse or addiction. I have food and clean water and even TV, internet access, a car and a cell phone. I have a husband and a cute puppy and parents and sisters. 
    And yet I still hate my life.
    Nothing about it is satisfying to me. I can be "content" when things are particularly going my way--but it's like a fleeting contentment over things that really don't matter. Or it's relief that something terrible was avoided...but once that terror has been forgotten, I'm back to being nonchalant over everything I have.
    Sometimes I convince myself that once I reach a certain milestone, I'll achieve happiness. When I was little, I thought I'd be happy by the time I was an adult and "making my own decisions". I'm an adult now--in my 30s--and now I'm hoping by middle age I'll somehow stop caring about what other people think or what I don't have. Ha
    What problems were solved by my recent marriage were replaced with a  whole new set. At least I'm smart enough (now!) to realize that I should never have children. Doesn't keep me from feeling a tugging in my proverbial womb everytime I'm around a beautiful baby. Fortunately, that's been overshadowed by the litany of reasons I've committed to memory about why my husband and I have no business having one. The result is that I'm simply bitter about the whole thing.
    I honestly wish I could run away from my life. As if such a thing is possible. I have no way to even attempt that, except in my dreams. And if I'm going to dream for that, I might as well wish for a time machine to start over from the beginning but with whatever wisdom I've gathered thus far. Bar that actually happening... I don't even know. I just feel trapped in this negative spiral.
     
     
  20. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, I don't feel like trying.   
    An hour ago, I was in a rare but oddly good mood. An optismistic mood where I was contemplating getting things done. Now that's fading and I'm back to my tired, lethargic, pessimistic state. My "normal" state. I feel really down. Feeling like this after a short spell of happiness is somehow even worse.
    I guess I'm not really sick of being anxious and depressed or I'd try harder to not be. I don't really try. I'm currently not on meds nor seeing a pdoc like I'm supposed to be. I don't believe anyone or any medication can help me. I feel that going through the same trial and error over and over will just make me feel worse in the end. Or maybe I'm just too lazy. I don't want to look up a new pdoc, make a call, find their office and go to the appointment. I don't want to hope I like and feel comfortable with the new doc, and that she/he can give me something that actually helps. I don't want to find a therapist only to find out my insurance won't cover it or that I don't feel at ease with them enough to open up. I had a therapist not too long ago who was the best one I ever had. Then they told her that she could only work with a certain clientele that didn't include me, and it was a sudden and heartbreaking goodbye. I dont' want to go looking for someone else that I'll like as much as her when I know it's impossible.
    I also don't want to confide in my loved ones because I dont' want to be vulnerable and I don't want to be disappointed when they don't understand or don't have the "right" words that make me feel comfortable with confiding. I don't want to try to lose weight again when I tried harder at that than I have at pretty much anything in my life and I gained it all back in like a year's time (and it took more than a year to lose it!). I dont' want to give up food when it's one of my only joys in life. I don't want to work out on a regular basis when I'm out of shape again and I  hate working out and often I feel so tired and sore or too anxious to leave the house to go to the gym. 
    I don't want to try to get my husband to understand the things about me that I know he won't. I dont' want to be disappointed again when he doesn't get it. But I don't want to leave because there's no where else I want to be anyway. I dont' want him to leave me, but I'm not happy here. I want things to change without me having to figure out how to make them change. If they can change. I hope I can't just be happy without anything changing.
    I wish I knew how to stop random memories from popping into my head that make me angry, sad, embaressed, ashamed, or otherwise upset. I wish I could stop obsessing over them. I also wish I didn't worry about everything obsessively, as if the worrying itself can do something to make it better. I wish I could truly convince myself that it doesn't.
    I wish I liked and respected myself. I don't believe anyone else would if they knew everything about me. I feel like I have to hide myself from others, so that they don't see who I really am. It doesn't seem to be something I'll ever outgrow, so I fear I'll feel this way my whole life.
    I just don't know what to do. And so I don't feel like doing anything.
  21. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from carter_burn1 for a blog entry, I don't feel like trying.   
    An hour ago, I was in a rare but oddly good mood. An optismistic mood where I was contemplating getting things done. Now that's fading and I'm back to my tired, lethargic, pessimistic state. My "normal" state. I feel really down. Feeling like this after a short spell of happiness is somehow even worse.
    I guess I'm not really sick of being anxious and depressed or I'd try harder to not be. I don't really try. I'm currently not on meds nor seeing a pdoc like I'm supposed to be. I don't believe anyone or any medication can help me. I feel that going through the same trial and error over and over will just make me feel worse in the end. Or maybe I'm just too lazy. I don't want to look up a new pdoc, make a call, find their office and go to the appointment. I don't want to hope I like and feel comfortable with the new doc, and that she/he can give me something that actually helps. I don't want to find a therapist only to find out my insurance won't cover it or that I don't feel at ease with them enough to open up. I had a therapist not too long ago who was the best one I ever had. Then they told her that she could only work with a certain clientele that didn't include me, and it was a sudden and heartbreaking goodbye. I dont' want to go looking for someone else that I'll like as much as her when I know it's impossible.
    I also don't want to confide in my loved ones because I dont' want to be vulnerable and I don't want to be disappointed when they don't understand or don't have the "right" words that make me feel comfortable with confiding. I don't want to try to lose weight again when I tried harder at that than I have at pretty much anything in my life and I gained it all back in like a year's time (and it took more than a year to lose it!). I dont' want to give up food when it's one of my only joys in life. I don't want to work out on a regular basis when I'm out of shape again and I  hate working out and often I feel so tired and sore or too anxious to leave the house to go to the gym. 
    I don't want to try to get my husband to understand the things about me that I know he won't. I dont' want to be disappointed again when he doesn't get it. But I don't want to leave because there's no where else I want to be anyway. I dont' want him to leave me, but I'm not happy here. I want things to change without me having to figure out how to make them change. If they can change. I hope I can't just be happy without anything changing.
    I wish I knew how to stop random memories from popping into my head that make me angry, sad, embaressed, ashamed, or otherwise upset. I wish I could stop obsessing over them. I also wish I didn't worry about everything obsessively, as if the worrying itself can do something to make it better. I wish I could truly convince myself that it doesn't.
    I wish I liked and respected myself. I don't believe anyone else would if they knew everything about me. I feel like I have to hide myself from others, so that they don't see who I really am. It doesn't seem to be something I'll ever outgrow, so I fear I'll feel this way my whole life.
    I just don't know what to do. And so I don't feel like doing anything.
  22. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Procrastination is a Dangerous Game   
    It's not even a game, really. It's a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad habit. Or a compulsion? Or just a negative result of my avoidant personality. Anything uncomfortable--so, basically, a lot of frickin' things!--is something I'm willing to put off as long as possible. Maybe there was a time when I could put things off and get away with it (youth and helicopter parents can be a privilege), but those days are far gone now. But I never learn.
    I'm so mad at myself. And I know I'll procrastinate again, because I never learn. I'm too old to keep making the same mistakes, but I don't know if I have the strength to change. I just keep making messes that make my life even more difficult than it has to be. Why, why do I do this?? GAH!
    Now I'm ruminating, my heart's beating too fast, and I can't distract myself from that feeling that the sky is falling (or about to any second). I'm so angry with myself, and I feel so dumb. All I can do is hope that I'm catastrophizing (which I do do at times). I'll see I guess.
  23. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from nightrose for a blog entry, Procrastination is a Dangerous Game   
    It's not even a game, really. It's a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad habit. Or a compulsion? Or just a negative result of my avoidant personality. Anything uncomfortable--so, basically, a lot of frickin' things!--is something I'm willing to put off as long as possible. Maybe there was a time when I could put things off and get away with it (youth and helicopter parents can be a privilege), but those days are far gone now. But I never learn.
    I'm so mad at myself. And I know I'll procrastinate again, because I never learn. I'm too old to keep making the same mistakes, but I don't know if I have the strength to change. I just keep making messes that make my life even more difficult than it has to be. Why, why do I do this?? GAH!
    Now I'm ruminating, my heart's beating too fast, and I can't distract myself from that feeling that the sky is falling (or about to any second). I'm so angry with myself, and I feel so dumb. All I can do is hope that I'm catastrophizing (which I do do at times). I'll see I guess.
  24. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from BettrResultsHereIHope for a blog entry, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   
    I'm so miserable. I'm sad, angry, lonely, fatigued, lazy, bored, frustrated, overwhelmed, in physically pain, confused, disgusted, ambivalent and more. I feel like I want to vent, but I don't know how without censoring myself. I just wish I could tell people what I really think of them, or openly rage about the things I think are effed up. I wish I felt like someone really understood me. That feels like such an adolescent thing to say, but I really don't feel like anyone knows me. And a lot of it is because I'm so guarded, but I still feel like no one is actually trying.
    I'm so emotionally repressed I don't even know how to be open with myself! I can't even write the words I want to say in a personal diary for fear of seeing them. I don't want to face things because I don't have the energy or the wisdom to deal with them. It's like my life is this puzzle that I don't know how to solve. I'm constantly trying to figure it out but I can't. I feel so conflicted, so frozen in fear. I don't know what to do to make things better. I'm afraid everything I do makes things worse.
    I don't even know what I'm trying to say to anymore. I just want to feel heard.
     
     
  25. Like
    evalynn got a reaction from eternaloptimist for a blog entry, Wingless Bird, Falling Star   
    i feel like a wingless bird
    too afraid to sing.
    or have i lost my voice?
    it's impossible to know.
    and do i have the choice
    to sing a mournful song,
    or is it too dangerous
    to sing it?
    i feel like a falling star
    who crashes toward the earth,
    moving far too fast,
    and losing all control.
    and i don't have the stregnth
    to keep myself afloat;
    will i crash and burn,
    or won't i?
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