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evalynn

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Everything posted by evalynn

  1. That I'm a pessimist whose always expecting and mentally preparing myself for the worst to happen. And then when it does, I feel justified to feel that way. I need to stop always focusing on the negative or I'll never be happy. I need to make gratitude and positive thinking an everyday practice. I need to learn how to calm down.
  2. Start doing yoga again Go back to the gym sometime this year practive mindfulness/meditation/deep breathing work on stress reduction in general eat heathier walk/work out on a regular basis again practice radical acceptance learn more self-soothing techniques
  3. I'm not a confrontational person. Matterfact I'm the type to not say anything and then end up snapping on someone. Well I think I just did that to my neighbor, but I'm so frustrated. This is the old lady I've been complaining about who's constantly knocking on my door to tell me nonsense--and in one casae, refused to go away after knocking 7 times. Today I caught her using our hose and watering my front walk and front door. I yelled at her, "what are you doing?" one reason I was so upset is because our water bill mysteriously was very high a few months ago and we wondered whether someone was using our house and it's probably been her the whole time. She even said "you should be thanking me" which makes zero sense because there's no reason for her to be using my hose. And she knocked over my lily plant which is from my mom's funeral. So I was mad to see that too. Now I'm just worried about what I'm going to do about this lady. I think she's senile and she lives alone and drives her car (which she probably shouldn't). At some point, I might have to call someone to do a wellness check on her but I have really bad social anxiety so even thinking about having to do that makes me nervous. And nervousness is making me upset again. We don't know this lady's family so we can't call them to tell them she might need help, so I don't know what else to do. My husband is going to talk to the head of the HOA (we live in a townhouse community) but I don't know what he can do or what he'll do. I just have so much stress lately and this on top of everything else is upsetting me.
  4. Anxious, a bit guilty, but actually better than I was feeling an hour ago when I was having a bit of an anxiety attack. I just feel like, once I get into these spirals, that they'll never end. I get myself so worked up worrying about things that I feel paralyzed. I literally freeze up and can't even get anything done, eat, or focus on anything else until the feelings start to dissipate on their own. I'm way overdo on learning some self-soothing tips that actually work for me. Deep breathing only does so much. I still haven't eaten today, and I don't even feel hungry yet. I just want to continue sitting here and focusing on the story I'm trying to read until I'm 100% back to normal (or normal enough for me).
  5. Did something stupid last night and now I'm trying to undo it. Also I could be doing something important right now but I'm procrastinating instead. C'est la vie.
  6. One lap around the neighborhood. I have to start somewhere. Hopefully more to come.
  7. This might turn into a rant, I don't know. I've been diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis but I'm not convinced that's the only thing (or the main thing) wrong with me physically. I'm always fatigued, I have achy knees as I write this, and sometimes my left leg hurts really bad. A few months ago, it was so bad I could barely sit down without being in pain. It hasn't been as bad since but I'm afraid that aspect will come back eventually. In the meanwhile, I'm also dealing with a lot of anxiety, I'm pratically agoraphobic lately, and I'm depressed. Then I have other little things going on that add to my depression and take a kick at my self-esteem. One is a lot of weight gain in the past year, where I'm now at the biggest I've ever been. But due to the fatigue, pain, and pessimism, I just haven't been working out to try to lose it again. I hate this time of year too, because I can't take comfortable walks when it's hot out. I basically dread and fear the summer every year and count down the days until September. I worry about all the rainstorms, possible hurricanes, and just the heat makes me crazy. I don't even want to take the dog out these days, which makes me feel guilty on top of everything else. I got a bit off-topic but I'm particularly anxious about my next rheumatologist appointment in a few days. I've been on methotrexate and I dont' feel much different so I think they'll try something else. I'm nervous about being put on any kind of injections, anything expensive, or a combo of the two. I dont' even know how long we'll be able to afford to keep seeing this doctor, because our insurance is crap. I don't want to get my hopes up that anything will help or that things will get better, because as I get older, things only seem to get more complicated. At the same time, I'm hoping there's some miracle cure that will at least take the fatigue away so I feel like doing things. I don't know how I'll get through all this otherwise.
  8. I am grateful for waking up a bit earlier the last two days without falling back asleep... and so I am grateful that I've been able to take my dog out a little earlier as a result. I am grateful for one other thing that I won't mention because I don't want to jinx it, silly as it sounds.
  9. 79 degrees right now, at night. This is why I whine this time of year. I can't even take a nice night walk without worrying about getting overheated.
  10. I am grateful that my annoying neighbor has only come to my door once today (so far), and not too early. I am grateful my pills arrived today so I didn't have to drive to the pharmacy. I am grateful that my husband will be home soon because I'm feeling anxious right now and I can use his nearness to calm me down. (best I could do today)
  11. frustrated, annoyed, angry, unmotivated, anxious/worried
  12. I feel low level anxiety, which is better than high level anxiety. It's like a bug buzzing in your ear, you can sort of get used to it but when you focus on it, you want to just swipe it away. So I'm trying to ignore it by watching TV.
  13. So I drank a 1/2 gallon of water yesterday, which is what the doctor suggested. I didn't think I'd actually do it, since most days I don't drink enough liquids. But someone I managed it, and now I"m more confident that I can achieve this more often. I'm proud of accomplishing this small feat.
  14. All I remember is an unusual-looking rainbow at one point.
  15. Update again: they started knocking on my back sliding door. I finally went to answer it and was the lady next door, iike I thought. And again, I have no idea what she's talking about but at least she finally went away. I'm so mad that she wouldn't go away when I clearly didn't want to speak to her.I really don't think she would've ever went away if I didn't finally go to the damn door.
  16. This morning I woke up from a reoccurring dream that I'm being stalked. I'm in my old bedroom on the second floor and I look out my window and see a man standing on my front porch. In this dream, I can only see him from the neck down but I just know he's watching me. I'm instantly terrified and I try to slowly and quietly sink down to the floor so he can't see if I'm in my room. It doesn't occur to me to leave the room, see if anyone else is home, or close the window. I'm just frozen with fear. Now, in real life, flash forward to this afternoon. Someone has knocked on my front door 5 times. I hope they finally stop. I think it's my neighbor who randomly comes to the door to tell me things that don't make sense. I'm hoping if I stop answering she'll stop doing it. I feel a little guilty, hoping it's not an emergency situation or something but I refuse to answer that door the more they knock. Crap! As I'm writing this, I swear I heard someone try to open my front door from outside. My dog heard it too and she's jumped up and run to the door and is barking at it. I'm seriously scared. Ok, just checked the window and I don't see anyone and the dog has stopped barking. I originally wrote the second paragraph to laugh at the juxtaposition of dreaming about a creepy guy stalker when in real life I feel like the little old lady next door is a "stalker." But now I'm actually freaked out.
  17. So I had a dream this morning, or maybe two dreams, that left me feeling emotional and confused when I abruptly woke up. The first part was a family get together that included my mom and just a bunch of family and friends of the family. Then it changed to a scene at my old home and I'm standing before my mom and I can barely talk as I'm crying and telling her, "I just remembered you're dead." And I know it's true--even in the dream, even as she's in front of me as a physical being--that she'd dead. And later in the dream we're hugging, holding hands, etc but the whole time I know that's she's dead. It's not like she's a ghost because she has physical substance, so I don't know what to call it. And then I woke up, and I had to process that she really is dead but she's not around in any physical way and I'm in that place between awake and asleep and haunted by the dream that felt so real. It almost feels like it really happened but in a different dimension or something. I can't properly explain it.
  18. Considering I almost stayed in bed all day (and I would have if I didn't have a dog depending on me to go out), I feel okay. Low energy, but that's typical these days. Other than that, I feel OK I guess. I found something to watch on Youtube and I have my book to finish up, so I'm not bored and that helps keep me positive.
  19. I feel okay. I woke up really late, which I feel like I should scold myself for, but in the end it makes for a shorter day which I like. My dog is quiety sleeping beside me and I have a cup of coffee and a book to read so things could definitely be worse.
  20. I am grateful for seeing a butterfly while I was out today. I am grateful my package arrived today. I am grateful for coffee.
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