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katsueren

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About katsueren

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  • Birthday 02/06/1995

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  1. I mainly get jealous of the fact that everyone seems to have someone who utterly loves them, whether it be a good friend or a partner. But, no one gives a $HIT about me. I'm not very close to my family either. I am absolutely p***** off with jealousy, and it's the one thing that I'm too prideful to admit to anybody else.
  2. (16, sophomore in high school) Today was just really bad. Not the things that happened, but just how depressed I felt. I cried in 3rd period Geometry for over an hour because I felt so horrible. The thing is, today I felt the strongest suicidal urge that I've had yet. I nearly convinced myself in the time I was sitting in class that I should go home and end it. I started thinking, I don't want to do anything without cleaning my room out first because I don't want anyone going through my stuff after I'm dead. An hour later I just snapped out of it, like what am I doing? Most of the time I have suicide ideation without intent, but sometimes when it gets like that, I don't know what to do. The school counselor over at the junior high I used to attend is a very good friend of mine. We keep in touch outside of school because she cares about how I'm doing. I also have a regular counselor whom I see every week, but I'm not as open with her because I started talking with her more recently. The thing is, I hate bringing up that I have suicide ideation because regardless of whether or not its intent, they are required to tell my grandparents every time I mention it (I live with my grandparents). Also, I feel bad because I don't like to make anyone worry, especially the school counselor because I like her a lot. She told me she wants to know about stuff like this but.. You know. I don't know what to do. Is it important enough to mention? I currently have no plan for suicide even though I think about it a lot, sometimes getting urges like today. I took a depression screening test a few months back and scored quite high, (hah, the only test I ever wanted to fail) I'm not currently on any medication because my grandparents are religious and believe that Doctor Jesus will heal me up. I'm really quite irritated about this, that they limit their choices based on whether it goes against THEIR religion or not. I'm not atheist, just very angry and bitter.
  3. I've been feeling great for the past few weeks, but my depression is starting to linger back. Now all this confidence and free feeling is going away too. It always happens like that, where I'll go through prolonged phases of 'normal', but then I'll go into this really low depression that's really hard to get out of. I'm not taking meds, and I haven't seen my counselor for the past few weeks because her mom is dying. I know it's coincidence that I'm in a good mood even though I haven't been seeing my counselor, she does help a bit. I'm very discouraged. ):
  4. Every time I try to do my homework, I get anxiety. Not only because of the fact that I have a lot of work to do, but because I feel as if though I'll inevitably fail. It takes me a lot more time to do my work than it does others because I am a perfectionist which I can't help. Right now I'm failing my Spanish class and I have a f*ckton of work to turn in tomorrow for a bunch of classes which I didn't do. I lack the motivation to do anything, and yet I still care, but I feel like I will be such a failure. Everybody says 'just do it' but it's not that simple for me, I just don't know what to do. End of the quarter is next friday and I'm screwed. The worst part is that my grandma is going to be on my *** about failing even though I'm well aware and am dealing with it the only way I know how. It's like I care, but at the same time I don't care. It's humiliating to be the failure after people keep telling me that I am smart, because then they think I'm just being lazy. I want to prove them wrong but I just can't. I've been a lot more depressed lately too, which is a huge reason for this mess..
  5. Also, I have talked to school counselor, but it hasn't helped at all. They keep suggesting things for me that just aren't going to work. Like, they want me to get out and do more and hang out with friends, but I've already lost so much interest in everything that it isn't helping as it is. I don't even have the motivation for anything. I'm literally a loner because I've never been able to make friends very well, and this just makes it so much worse. I lost my best friend because she doesn't understand what's going on with me. I don't blame her, but she thinks that this is something that is a simple fix, kind of like 'Oh, you're sad? I hope you feel better soon! Smiley face!'. And I'm not fun to be around either. After attacking her so much with my moodiness, she eventually moved on to another friend. Oh well.
  6. I went home from school today because I just couldn't handle being there. What do schools do for kids dealing with depression? If I miss too many days then I won't get credits for my classes, but it's so hard to focus when I feel so terrible. My grandparents (I live with them) are very Christian, so I've been seeing a Christian counselor. My grandparents are opposed to medication, and they want me seeing someone they know won't be 'putting ideas' into my head. Therefore, a Christian counselor. I'm very tired of compromising for them, especially in this situation. They said they are okay with medication if I really did need it, but they don't want to go directly to a doctor, because a doctor will just give it to you if you say the right things. Which, in my experience, I have to agree. The counselor that I'm seeing isn't qualified to refer me to medication, so what the hell do I do? I might actually need it, I just don't know.
  7. I'm a sophomore in high school, and I've been dealing with depression for a long while now. It's recently gotten a lot worse, but I'm struggling in school now. I just cannot motivate myself to do anything, even the idea of the consequences (failing) doesn't bother me enough anymore. Ever since semester, I changed some of my classes too. I had to switch my math and bio teachers, and I still don't understand their teaching. I'm especially frustrated because the work load is so much harder, and I'm not in a good state to take on any of this. It just doesn't help at all. I'm having suicidal thoughts much more frequently, and things are just going in the dump for me. I don't think I'm ever going to feel better. Therapy isn't helping. I don't know what to do ):
  8. (16, sophomore in HS) I do know for sure that I have depression, and I am seeing a counselor. I've noticed though, I'll get into these high and optimistic happy moods. Then just as quickly, sometimes immediately, I'll spiral downward into a very low and hopeless mood along with having very negative thoughts and suicide ideation. It's very erratic. I do struggle having motivation in school, and I'm not performing as well as I could. I've never really been impulsive though, that I've noticed, which is why I have some doubts. I just want to get better but I'm not, and I don't know what to do. I hate self diagnosing, so it's kind of hard for me to even suggest this as a possibility. ): What should I do? I also wanted to know, are there any particular reasons why I could/couldn't be bipolar? Thank you for reading.
  9. I'm 16, a sophomore in high school. The semester is over with, and I'm finally done with PE. This guy in my class (throughout the year) has repeatedly tried to irritate and embarrass me in front of everybody for being so poor at athletics. He can't find anything else to make fun of me about, not my looks or my intelligence, so this is the lowest he can go. It's ruined my experience in PE. He has a weird way of doing it though, to try to mask it and make it seem okay. The first time I ever was encountered by him, was when we were doing warmups. He flat-out told me: "You probably think you don't have a chance with me because you're so unattractive." I'm not ugly, I've been told opposite. I don't wear makeup because I don't like it, and I'm modest. I don't flaunt myself, which is what he means by 'unattractive'. I've never had a boyfriend because I don't want one yet. After that, he kept it as a running joke. The way that he did it was too masked for him to get in trouble. He'd call me "his love" and "give me a hug", and "I LOVE YOU!!" and he'd try to hug me and come near me. He'd call me from across the gym, and laugh whenever I missed the ball, trying to bring attention to me. Don't be fooled; I am not the only girl he has been picking on. He picks on this other girl in my class in a completely different way, often making her experience much worse than mine. She is a fighter though, she doesn't put up with it like I do. She doesn't do anything during PE though, because school fights can get both persons suspended. The thing is, I don't hate this guy. I dislike him, but I've always felt too peaceful to argue or pick fights, and that's why I put up with it. More often, I just wonder: Why does he do it? I see how he thrives on attention from others, he loves to be at the center of attention, while I hate to be there. I wonder if he is a different person when he isn't around others. I think about that often. I can see a good side to him under all the arrogance, but maybe I'm just seeing things. What does depressionforums think? Should I try to talk to him on facebook? I've thought perhaps getting him alone will make it easier to see how he really is, but I'm not sure what I'd be getting myself into.
  10. I'm just so afraid that people will see me as a waste of space if I have any sort of dependence while being depressed, especially people who aren't depressed and don't understand what that's like. I feel people shouldn't have to put up with my depression, especially when I lash out in my bad mood. That's not fair for them to have to. I can't exactly say "Oh sorry, I'm extremely depressed, don't mind me". And I'm not able to relate to anyone at school. Most often, I get really irritated with my classmates because they act really stupid and joke and laugh about stupid things that I don't understand why they are funny. I feel like I don't belong here. D:
  11. (16, sophomore in HS) My depression is getting worse. For the past few months, I've been becoming distant with my closest friend, no matter how I would try to bond, my depression keeps consuming the way I act and feel. She makes me angry because she doesn't have even a significant understanding of what I'm dealing with. She thinks it's something that can go away easily. I don't blame her, I never do. I love her as a friend, and I just want her to be happy. She spends a lot of her time with me, but also branches out with other friends... She is my only friend. All the time I feel so low and I can't laugh or be humorous or happy, and despite that I know she'll just put up with it and stay with me. I lash out at her because my anger and sadness makes me feel differently, and she's still stayed by me. Despite that, she hasn't been any sort of help to me. I've decided to break off the friendship. I'm tired of being dead weight, and holding her back. I won't be mean to her anymore, I just want her to have her own life and friends and not have to put up with my crap. I seriously don't deserve friends for acting like this, and I can hardly help it. I've been avoiding her now. She knows I am, she probably thinks I'm angry at her, and she hasn't called or texted or made any effort to find me at school. Just the realization of being a loner makes me feel worse, that I will never find close friends. I'm currently seeing a counselor, but only every Tuesday. I don't take medications. I have finals next week, and I don't think I can do it. I can't focus on my school. I feel so broken up and grieved.. ): I'm tired of being dead weight. I'm so tired.
  12. (16, sophomore in HS) For a few years I've had one close friend, but for the past few months I've had the feeling that we weren't relating enough. She's been making me angry and irritated because she isn't willing to listen to me as a friend when I'm upset, as I've done for her. I'm mainly so upset because I have no one else to talk to but her and she doesn't like to, it's awkward for her. Why does it have to be awkward? She can make friends easily, she's just better off finding someone else. I also feel like I'm dead weight and I've been lashing out at her lately because my depression has been really nasty. It's time to let go of the friendship now. So now that I'm a loner once again, I've realized that this is the way things are for me, and I should just get used to it. How does one be happy being a loner? A big reason why I don't make friends is because I hate my age group for the immaturity. It's a feeling of being different. Not that I feel superior to others, but that I don't belong. A lot of times I feel so useless, I wish I was dead. There must be some simplistic happiness in being alone, can't there be?
  13. I've only had two counselors (outside of school) that I went to in my life, and I hated them both. They took my parent's money and I didn't feel helped. Now a few years later, and I've not done anything more about it. I've been depressed for most of my life, although I only really truly recognized it as depression in 9th grade last year. Those two different counselors I went to, were the times my parents wanted me to and I didn't truly understand why. I've had suicidal thoughts, mainly feeling like being dead would be a relief. It's always without intent. On Friday I finally told my school counselor that I am depressed. She asked me if I've thought about suicide, and I told her yes, not planning though. I never told anybody because I thought it wasn't important enough to pay any attention to, and that counseling shouldn't be wasted on me since I've never harmed myself. I feel so hopeless for my future, it's easier to imagine myself dead or in a bad situation and I can't at all imagine myself happy. I feel abnormal. I have self esteem issues. The counselor let me take a depression screening test to see where I fell, and even though I've known about my depression, I was still surprised to see results. I always think for some reason that my depression is fabricated and there is nothing wrong with me, that I'm normal. I wonder if it feels normal to me since I've had it for so long. I mean don't get me wrong, it terribly affects me every day, but I feel so discouraged about treatment too. I'm scared that the therapist is going to tell me that I'm overreacting and that there is nothing wrong with me. Then I'll still be left wondering why I have always felt like this, and what is wrong if it isn't depression. I have a lot of irrational thoughts like these, even though I know they aren't true I still worry a lot. I want to get better but I'm so scared that no one is going to be able to help me. I have these thoughts that I should just suck it up and deal with it myself instead of being such a waste of time. ):
  14. Perhaps kind of an odd topic.. (I'm 16 yrs old, sophomore in HS) So for as long as I can remember, I've always gotten irritated with little kids. I shouldn't try to blame it on the fact that I'm a teenager. I realize that I have a problem, because anytime I am near a child, I feel hostile. I want them to be safe and happy of course and I never snap at them, but it's just the sight of them that makes me angry. This rarely happens when I'm in public, but when someone brings their child over to my house. My grandparents (I live with them) babysit my 2 year old cousin a lot and I can hardly stand for it. I think it's that I feel invaded, and I associate kids with a loss of privacy. I did grow up around babies and had to take care of them a lot, which was such a bad experience for me. I was never properly guided on how to take care of them. My stepmom told me how, and then left me to take care of her kids, usually at least once a day. She did this quite frequently because she was too lazy to be a real mother. She doesn't even have a job. After a while, I refused to take care of them anymore. My main worry, is just how I feel when I'm around kids. Mainly my cousin. He's the sweetest kid, but I feel like hitting him out of anger. It's his voice, the way he looks so sweet, how he screams and runs around the house, how he expects everyone to like him, and all the innocence of a child. He's not the problem, it's me. I have a history of hitting my stepbrother, this was when I was like 7 or 8. Boy, how I abused that kid. I remember shoving him from the top of the stairs many times, and squeezing his arm really hard when I was mad, and one time giving him a black eye. It might be acceptable if he was older, but he was about 2. Yikes. His mom turned into a mother bear after a while, and she made me stop. How is it that I can get angry at something so innocent? I just don't understand it. My grandparents know how hostile I feel towards kids. They scold me for it, but what can I DO? They scold me because I try to ignore my cousin when he comes over. If he tries to talk to me or get my attention, I completely ignore his existence. I figure it's better to ignore him then to snap at him.. What really makes me feel bad is how society automatically thinks if somebody doesn't like kids, then they're a horrible person. ): I'm not a bad person, it's just this. Can I be more patient? I don't like feeling so mean.
  15. (16 yrs old currently, sophomore in high school, etc etc) So on my birthday my Dad asked me to come live with him again. I don't want to, because I have a solid reason for leaving in the first place. I'm currently visiting my Mom in the next state over, and today she just asked me to come live with HER. WHAT DO I DO. I don't want to live with EITHER of them. Neither have ever been real great parents, and to be honest, I have very little feelings for either of them. At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful child, I just hate being around any of my family. I currently live with my grandparents. My dad's side of the family (My grandparents, my aunts) are so religious and morally upright that I feel entirely out of place. I was not raised by the morally upright part of my family, so living with them now is just so different for me. I barely know them, I feel like a stranger. I feel like my actions are going to be scrutinized, and the little things I do (junk food eating, staying in my room all the time, on the internet constantly) already are. I just can't understand those other kids who are close to their families, because it has never been that way for me. With the relationship that I have with my parents right now, I wish that they would ultimately leave me alone and let me live my life. I barely know them as my parents now and they've caused me a lot of hurt over the years, that's not just something you can fix. I'm trying to make good choices for myself but I don't even know how to trust my own judgment. I know this lady whom I wish was my mom instead, she's just so kind and she's a really great mom to her own kids. I wish for my own good that I could put the whole 'parent' thing behind me altogether because it's causing me so much hurt. Maybe I'm just rambling.
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