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Stencils118

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Everything posted by Stencils118

  1. It's been a long time. A very long time. The last time I posted I think I was back I Australia around 7 months ago. I've been fwwling alot bettern since my laat episode. I'm now residing in New Zealand, with a stable job and I thought a much more stable set of emotions. Tonight I got drunk and realised I still lother of being myself. I'm a terrible lover and don't compare right to previous lovers or boyfriends. Bloody hell it's been a long time since I've felt this way. It almost feels like coming back home to this despair. It's like it's where I'm 'meant' to be despite the goals and aspirations I've met, potentially even exceeded. I want someone real to talk to. A Troubled Traveller.
  2. Been moreorless awake since 3am.. I'm seething with anger for some unknown reason. I want to lash out, punch walls and do loads of things I wouldn't normally want to do to escape. I feel like if I were to have free reign I would be at risk. I imagine this is how people get into taking drugs, multiple one night stands and gambling. Anything to escape the thing that's grinding them down the most. I'm angry, which makes me feel like a danger to myself. I'm irrational and don't give one care about anything or anyone when in this mood. It's nice to feel so carefree but to know it's driven by a deep seeded anger isn't a good thing. I'm so tired, but the anger coursing through my veins keeps me awake. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  3. I've tried CBT and I've tried ACT, none of which worked or helped in the slightest. If anything they made things worse by teaching me to analyse everything that went on and all of the thoughts I had. I've come to the realisation that plain old ignoring everything that I think of and feel is the only way I can truly get over things and not become too consumed by my emotions. Ignoring feelings and thoughts isn't healthy but unfortunately seems to be the only thing I have left in my toolbox as a last resort as nothing else has worked. I know this strategy won't help in the long run as I know sooner or later all of these suppressed emotions will find their way out and I'll end up in another state. I'm running out. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  4. Like a time bomb waiting to explode. I've had a good week or two..energised.. social, confident, lively. Maybe thanks to the Pristiq tablets I've been on for the last 7 weeks or maybe it was something else. Today I'm back to feeling my normal self - Reclusive, drained, self conscious, over thinking.. tired, so extremely tired. I'm not sure if these tablets have lost their effectiveness or whether I've run myself down with going to the gym using up the new founded energy I had. I find myself wanting to sleep all of the time, not wanting to talk to anyone and being insecure once again with limitless over thinking. Maybe I'm beginning to have Bi-polar and this is my downhill spiral after the high I've been enjoying. I just want to sleep it all off and wake up with that great attitude and energy for life I once had which is already starting to fade away from my awareness. We have another trip planned but I'm already starting to worry how I'm going cope if this exhausted mood carries on ~ A Troubled Traveller
  5. Something has started my head off again, it's running it's negative thought program like a virus does on a computer. Infecting and stealing my identity from me. I'm yet again just a empty shell, numb from pills but still conflicted deep down inside. I wish to just ignore all of this but know its not healthy to bury things. Lost on what to do. Tried reaching out but people just won't reply. I'm tired of trying, so very tired. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  6. Pretty numb to things today. My relationship is in tatters, we're not longer close due to recently events. She's been making me feel seriously insecure and suspicious to her activities yet again because of stuff that's gone on. However today, I'm just over it, this medicine has numbed me and I just care about anything. Tomorrow will probably be different but today I will enjoy feeling no emotions. I actually like it
  7. Are you able to live independently at all? I personally prefer living on my own, not just because I'm as anti-social as they come but actually because I'm extremely introverted. I live with my partner at the moment but I know I would be happier to be able to have my own space that I can recluse to, not have to interact with anyone or 'be present'. Perhaps you're so unhappy because you too yern for your own space?
  8. Hi there, I was put on Sertraline a few years ago but unfortunately it didn't do anything for me apart from causing insomnia. I find when a medicine is working, you can still have negative thoughts but they don't really affect you as much. Like, the dark thought feels like something unimportant, as though you were thinking about a table or something equally as plain. Depending on how you react on them, you might feel a bit happier or you might feel numb. It's hard to say as different people react differently. Best of luck, I hope they work for you
  9. I wish my life was like the film 'The butterfly effect'. I want so much to be able to go back in time and redo things differently, make better choices, avoid certain things. My mind is all over the place, I'm angry at myself and full to the brim of emotion about so many different things. Knock me out and let me go back to sleep
  10. I've just come out a major low phase, I woke up today feeling as though I'm on a high again. I'm not sure whether I'm possibly Bi-Polar or these NRI's (Prisq) I'm on are really messing me up. Being as though I feel like I have some motivation again, (almost like rebooting a slow computer) I need some advice on what I can do to help myself. I've had CBT, I've had counselling, I've been on Sertraline, Fluoxeine and now this Prisq. None of the above has really worked, other than Prisq which lately has been really messing me up. I'm determined to stick with it in the hope to see some results. I know I need more help though, I can't rely on medicine, I need something more to really make an impact on my mental health. The last few days have been such a monumental battle that I fear next time I won't have the strength. Does anyone have any sort of advice?
  11. The last couple of days have felt like weeks. I've been sitting in somewhat of an intense lonely darkness where I truly believe I could have ended my life at any moment. Fighting the urges, replaying bad decisions and moments that I could and should have easily avoided. I thought this was finally the end where could give in and end it all. My brain has other plans from me. I woke up this morning wanting to fight back, wanting to fix all I had broken, wanting to better myself, wanting to break through this wall I've got built up around me. I want help, I need help, yet I have no idea what or where to get it. I have all my bags, all my goals but noone or nothing to transport me to where I need to be. How do I let my mistakes go so I can move forward? How do I keep the motivation and really drive myself to where I so wish to be? I fear the motivation won't last and I'll be back to the dark depths I usually find myself in, wishing I wasn't alive. I desperately need advice on what I can do with these little glimmers of light. Please help me. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  12. I'm grateful that I'm able to travel like I am and not stuck in a job I hate. I'm grateful for my healthy older sisters who now both have a family of their own. I'm grateful of music as I couldn't imagine a life without it.
  13. Hi Salparadise, you're very lucky if you feel you have control or power. I'm not sure how you do it as I feel like I'm at total mercy to mine daily.
  14. Yeah exactly. It's so unreal that so many people feeling like this though, I don't understand how so many of us can feel so wrong, out of place and see no other option that they are willing to end it all to stop the invisible turmoil.
  15. Okay, maybe it's just the time of day I'm going on there and the amount of time I check for. I'll stick around a little longer next time. Many thanks! :)
  16. Thank you sober4life, it's somewhat comforting to know, as selfish as that may sound.
  17. Hi, unfortunately noone ever seems to use the chat room. Theres always no people on it at any point that I go on.. I just figured that noone uses it? Thanks for responding
  18. I could literally do this all night. Lyrics and music are so damn important to me haha
  19. I'm bound to break if I stay the same, with all my weight I will force a change, coz' in my skin there's a sunlight and in my heart there is still a fight. Bound to Break - This Wild Life
  20. Back in school they never taught usWhat we needed to knowLike how to deal with despairOr someone breakin' your heartFor twelve years I've held it all togetherBut a night like this is beggin' to pull me apart. Seventy times 7 - Brand New
  21. I'm thinking that its time to get out My patients are fading fast The mind bruises just a little bit easier In dark times and shadows cast What are you suffering for? Your pride or some kind of personal war? To a Friend - Alexisonfire
  22. Hi, I just wondered if there was anyone else here who wanted someone to chat to. I get lonely sometimes, mostly in the early hours of the morning when I can't sleep. I guess it would be nice to have someone to talk to instead of just letting bad thoughts engulf me. Doesn't have to be a conversation about anything specific, unless you want it to be :) Many thanks
  23. Lonely, very lonely. It's 2am and I just want someone to talk to and to hug. My eyes are tired but I'm not tired enough to sleep and my head is full of bad unhelpful thoughts.
  24. Stencils118

    Again

    I also feel this way, losing the motivation to keep trying because it just hurts so much.
  25. I've always been determined no matter what the state of mind I've been in. Always fighting the unseen battle. I've always wanted more for myself and strived to better myself. Unfortunately I feel like I've lost. I feel my sanity slipping, or maybe it has already and I just haven't really noticed. I sit here in this cafe on my own.. lonely, my head practically spinning, the recolection of past mistakes and missed opportunities swirling around above me. I feel so lost, so alone. It's loneliness I don't want but know I should have so I don't drag anyone else down with me. This feeling is so painful yet feels so much like home, almost comfortable even. Damagingly dark thoughts and shadows cast over me. Can't. Do. This. But I have no other choice, I can't hurt those who don't deserve it. I feel so incredibly manic, like I'm going to do something I wouldn't normally do, I fear this state as I truly believe I'll end up in a situation that I can't get out of. Need help but I have noone who even remotely understands. I truly have no strong connections with anyone and it hurts so much that I can't talk to anyone about this. The last month for me my emotions, my mental health, my relationship.. everything has been spiralling down, out of my control. I don't know whether it's the Prisq medicine I've started taking or whether I'm genuinely losing my mind and my life to this depression. I'm fighting and drastically losing battle. Infact I would go as far as to say I think I've finally given up. I'm off the rails, I'm scared where I'm headed. ~ A Troubled Traveller.
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