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Stencils118

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About Stencils118

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  • Birthday 05/19/1994

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  1. I do it to myself.

    'Find you some paper, And I'll go grab you a pen, You can start making notes, On how this all started again.' ..I have ****ed everything up. I not only lied to her I also swore to her out of fear. I am a disgusting human being and I deserve all the bad I feel throughout life. I'm a selfish P.O.S who I hate more than anyone possibly could. God how I ******* despise myself. I felt the words come out of my mouth like jumbled lettering cascading over my lips without permission. My heart sank as soon as I realised what I had done. She knew. I knew. I have abused her trust beyond repair, despite her efforts in trying to understand my reasoning for it all. I did have reasoning, but it doesn't excuse my actions in lying to her in such horrific fashion. Not only have a shattered her trust in me, I've created a whole painful situation to which we both don't trust each other. I'm so frightened she's going to do something out of spite, she's already lying to me about what she's doing and deleting internet history. What next? I have royally ****** up and for what, getting in touch with an ex because I wanted to build bridges and have a close friend again. I truly believe I am cursed with making bad decisions.. and I wonder why I'm so indecisive in daily life? I've had so much luck for so long. Meeting her, Attracting her, Living with her, Travelling with her. Her. It was bound to come crashing down because of me at some point. I will never forgive myself for destroying this wonderful thing I had. I can't live being constantly paranoid there will be a painful retaliation. It's funny how I commented on anothers post saying 'I no longer feel death was is option' ..how things change so rapidly. It's an option alright. I'm destined to be a **** up forever it seems. They say you 'live and learn'.... at what point do you start learning exactly? I'll let you know if I make it out of this alive. - A troubled Traveller.
  2. Look, Ma, I'm Normal!

    You're totally right to be pleased with yourself! It's the little few wins-a-day that make the day more bearable.. It's only when you compare it to 'the bigger picture' it sort of defiles your small accomplishments of that day, which is seriously difficult to stop sometimes! I don't know about you but on my days off work I can somehow do absolutely nothing all day which doesn't obviously make you feel great.. but on the days off I go out for a walk or do some domestic chores or go gym I feel alot more accomplished! It's all about the little personal wins that count I think! :) Best of luck with the sleep tonight,, :)
  3. Social Media is a terrible thing.

    Today I accidentally stumbled upon 2 of my previous girlfriends Instagram accounts. God, I wish I hadn't. It's made my emotions go absolutely haywire. Don't get me wrong or make no mistake - I'm over them.. and I'm in utter awe of the girl I've been with/travelling with for the last 2 and a bit years. She's my world and I'm so glad we're travelling together in a sort of partner in crime style. I love her. What gets me is that I remember my ex's the way they were when I was with them.. and looking at them both now they look so much more happy now that I'm not in their life. I wish so much that I was on speaking terms with them both for no other reason as just to remain close friends. I want so much in my life to have close friendships with people in my life but I can never seem to get them. I can't help but feel as though they're happier with life in general because I'm not in the picture. I must have been such an horrific boyfriend to make their lives so much better now that they're with other people. Why do I yearn so much to talk to them? Maybe I feel an deep seeded need to make up for being such a partner by being a good friend instead? ..What if my current partner left me..would she then begin to feel so much more happy with her life? ..Am I meant to just be alone perhaps? Maybe I have a massive negative impact on people? ..Maybe I'm not good enough to make people happy.. ...All this because I used social media. I feel bad for even giving my past ex's a second thought when I have such a wonderful partner in the present. God my head hurts. I can't even focus. ~A troubled Traveller
  4. October 11, 2017 Part 2

    Hey GhostInTheShellx, I've been following your blog posts for the last few weeks... the part 1 of this entry got me really worried. Although our situations are completely different, the feelings, the thoughts and the emotions you're showing are frighteningly alike to ones I've had myself. Like, everything you write, I've felt or perhaps still feel now to a certain extent. I said I was worried because when I felt that (like you do now) back when I was younger, I actually attempted to end my life on a number of occasions. It absolutely scares the heck out of me thinking about it now, to think that I could even contemplate it let alone actually try something. I'm 23 now and though I still consider myself still quite emotionally fragile most of the time, I do think my mindset has changed a hell of alot. I no longer think about death as a way out. I'm telling you this because it does get better. Maybe not 100% but the emotional pain does ease off. You gotta keep doing what you're doing, fight it.. even if you feel like giving up, you just can't. Life is so damn precious and I'm sorry to sound like a bible basher (apologies to anyone religious) but it's true. The best it yet to come, just please continue to be strong. You are strong no matter what you think. If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here for you.
  5. Don't let that douche bag have any sort of effect on you! I know it's difficult and it's easier said than done, because believe me I'm guilty of doing the same thing - letting a person strip me of all my self worth. You say he's a teacher..well they always say if you can't do anything, you end up teaching! There's a reason he's a teacher and it's probably because he's a useless writer himself. As for University.. jesus. Uni means absolutely nothing these days. I haven't read your work, but I'm sure it's amazing. Infact I say you should paste some of your work on here so we can all read it! There is no 'right way' with art and creativity.
  6. Selfish.

    It's 2.30am, She's asleep and I'm wide awake. I don't normally have any trouble sleeping, infact, I look forward to it just to escape all the emotion and feelings most of the time. A trigger happened today and I guess I can't shake the thought and feeling it gave me, as per usual. My partners mother is ill and it's playing on her mind, I should be comforting her yet I seem to be so self absorbed in my own emotional 'mush' I'm so empty to her needs. I have moments where I just want to comfort her, hug her and love her. And then other moments where I feel withdrawn and hollow. I feel so incredibly selfish. I know what causes it, but there is nothing I can do to stop it or even prevent it really. If I don't pay attention to this particular trigger, it feels as though I'm ignoring it and just kidding myself into believing it's not real, but when I give it attention it destroys my mood, confidence and my ability to love my partner properly. I feel so unsettled and unfulfilled, something isn't right. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  7. October 8, 2017

    I have those feelings too my friend. That feeling and image you have in your head about the person you wish you were. It just drives us more insane than we already feel. Feels as though I keep just making mistakes consistently dragging me further away from my already somewhat distant 'goal'. I guess the only half-helpful thing i can say is, you're not alone.
  8. Lost 2: The Sequel

    It's horrible that we feel like this but, I'm glad to know there's other people out there who know what it means to live day to day life with these struggles. It's so tough working amongst people who just don't get it.. or don't even think remotely about it. Can't blame people for not thinking something that's constantly relentlessly on our minds though hey
  9. Welcome to the forum Icarusthesun! I have to say from what you've put, We're alot alike.. as many on this forum are. You're not alone in this struggle as much as it may feel. I've been a member on here since 2010 but only recently started using it again. For me It's seriously helpful getting all the build up emotions out on a post or blog and generally talking to people or helping other people who know what you're going through and you them. I hope you find this forum as helpful as I think we all do. Stay strong :)
  10. Lost 2: The Sequel

    So today I was fired from my job. I kind of knew it was coming, it's been building for about a week now. The awkwardness, the paranoid feeling of people talking about you behind your back. The boss being completely off with you, other colleagues who would once chat to you no longer giving you the time of day. Felt very cast out. Almost as though they knew something I didn't. I thought about just leaving by my own will to stop the horrible feelings but the firing came before I could. I spent the journey home thinking about it, the time in the shower and now. I can't tell if I'm sad, numb or relieved. Maybe I'm all of the above? - Sad because yet again I've proven to myself that I'm useless and worthless. - Numb as an after feeling to the above and; - Relieved because I don't have to saturate anymore in that horrible atmosphere and intense worry. ..that said though, I am now unemployed, more emotionally scarred with an extra added self doubt and even more lost on what to do, how to feel and why the hell I am such a f**king loser. I know this will pass, but my self-worth and doubt within myself has been confirmed yet again. Life continues to be a struggle. ~ A Troubled Traveller,
  11. October 3, 2017 Part 2

    I used to have this hatred and anger, I guess sometimes I still do. You should try harnessing that anger and use it in the gym or some sort of exercise if you can bring yourself to. I used to put my fists through all sorts of inanimate objects until I started releasing the anger out on myself in the way of weight training and cardio. I know it can be difficult to bring yourself to do stuff when feeling so emotional (or empty) but the inner anger and hatred seething through you needs to be expressed and released in a safe way. Letting it build up is a horrible nasty feeling. Stay safe :)
  12. in the dark dark corner sat a dark dark..me.

    That's nice of you to say, although terrible at the same time. I'm sorry that you feel the same way. <3
  13. That feeling. It's almost as though I just feel comfortable here now.. it's my settled state after an argument, a trigger and all the other negative things. I settle down to this state of what feels like sitting on a stool in dark lonely room in my head. When people talk it feels as though I'm listening to echos through a wall, unsure how to answer, I start to wonder how other people would answer instead because I'm so consumed in my mind, that I don't even know how I'd normally respond. It's like my personality has been sucked out of me and I'm just this shell left over. It feels like home, but I don't want it to be. It feels normal to feel this empty and hollow, but I don't want it to be. I wish so much to just reclaim my personality and to be finally, permanently free from this invisible prison. ~A Troubled Traveller
  14. Hello

    Hey there, I just wanna start off by saying I'm alot like you. I get quite lonely as I haven't got many friends and I kinda think I also have social anxiety. I get the same kinda feelings as you when talking to people, but with that I'm naturally rather a quiet and reserved person (I actually fall into a category of personalities called 'introvert' - which makes the whole act of meeting new people even more difficult. I had a dream of travelling and that's what I'm doing at the moment. Unfortunately, like you with University.. I thought 'oh, everything will be okay when I go travelling, I'll meet new people and have new meaningful friendships..blablabla'. Aaah no, unfortunately not. I still feel the same with my social awkwardness at the moment, but I think that's because i've stopped pushing myself. It's almost like I thought everything was going to change so easily I wouldn't have to actively doing anything about it, but I was obviously wrong. With me, I'm working at the moment but as soon as January comes and I get back on the road, I'm gunna try and make a change in the way I view social interaction and try and put more effort into meet new people. I think the trick is not to think things will 'just get better' with a new situation because alot of the time nothing will change unless you actively do something about it. Is there a hobby, sport or general activity you like doing? like others have said, joining a group in something you enjoy could help you meet people. Maybe even on this forum you can meet someone cool to chat to? I know I'd like that for sure, Best of luck :)
  15. Well, it happened again, lost another job, 3 in 5 years

    Hey there, I know exactly how you feel.. (maybe..) I'm currently travelling on a Working Holiday Visa in Australia. So far I've been out here for 6 months and I've already had 3 jobs. I got fired from one and left the other two (because they made me feel kinda ashamed of myself). Each time my personal feelings towards myself have got in the way of my work abilities. I'm very self aware and that's my issue. Anyhow, try not to worry too much about finding another job, sometimes it can be quite a 'fresh start' feeling going on job websites and seeing the choices on there. I know financially it can be a bit of a worry at first but try and enjoy the whole feeling of 'its a new start' - Hope this helps, although I'm aware it may not. All the best to you.