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About Stencils118

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  • Birthday 05/19/1994

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  1. A Taste of Normality

    I had a wonderful taste of normality that lasted a whole 7(ish) days, It was bliss. I was surprisingly chatty to people at work and I enjoyed it. I felt very close to my girlfriend and was genuinely enjoying life I thought. But, nothing lasts forever.. I saw something, a message that has brought my joyful, fun, gleaming self back behind the invisible bars. Replaced once again by the hollowed out shell that autopilots this body when the real me is trapped behind a trigger or an idea. I know this won't last long but at the moment the more I try and fight this the more it feels like I'm just ignoring my feelings. Deceiving myself, masking over a grey pattern with a weak, dried out felt-tip pen. I'm grateful that I felt so good, so alive even for just a few days. This is an achievement, even if it is now just a fading memory that feels like someone else's. I'll have to just wait this one out again. ~ A Troubled Traveler
  2. Oh Hello, Mellow

    Lately my mind feels like it's been on overtime, the clogs just not wanting to stop. Sometimes it's difficult to even pin-point the things I think about. I have the tendency in these times to zone out to the point I don't hear people talk or even call to me - Very close to what you may see in movies, muffled noises and then eventually snap back into reality and realize someone is trying to get my attention. Tonight, I'm still thoughtful but I feel mellowed out. I like this feeling. I haven't got that 'back to work, Sunday night' feeling that I always get, even though I have work tomorrow. It's like my thoughts are still there, but they're currently on hold. Perhaps I'm emotionally exhausted. Whatever it is, it's a welcomed break nevertheless. I'm thinking about the near future, the freedom, the driving into the sunset. It gives me a positive buzz inside of me, it gives me hope. Being out there on the open road makes me feel like I'm apart of something bigger than my boxed in, isolated degrading thoughts. Even if it's just temporary, I'll take it. I heard from someone once, "always look back from where you've come"..They were on about travelling but personally I think that can be used in more than just one context. Here's to the future, whatever it may bring. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  3. Change, anyone?

    6 months and 19 days of travelling.. but have I changed? ..The reason I write tonight suggests not. or rather, not in the way I would like anyhow. I guess I'm both annoyed and kinda worried that I haven't changed as much as I thought I would. By now I hoped to be somewhat a 'social butterfly' of sorts, you know.. what with meeting new people, being in new situations and generally being out of my comfort zone. I thought by doing these things I would have changed how I viewed myself thus being alot less insecure, doubtful and I guess, socially anxious too. Who wants to feel so insecure that it feels almost everyone your partner looks at or talks to in a friendly jolly way, is a threat to you and your relationship? Nobody. What's strange is I find myself having bouts of confidence, usually after what I think is a 'successful' conversation with maybe someone at work. It's these little successes that make me want to continue making conversation with people. love feeling this way. It's as almost as though someone has opened a pair of windows overlooking a country landscape on a summers day, with all these smells and wildlife noises you're not normally witness to. Then something knocks me off this high feeling, for instance an 'insecurity' scenario... all of a sudden, those once wide open cottage windows slam shut, iron bars emerge from the walls with barbed wire intertwining around the place. Before you know it I'm sat back in that prison cell that I should probably call 'home' now. I apologize for the overuse of metaphors, I guess the only way to really understand how trapped someone feels, is to visualize it. Hey, maybe after 6 months and 20 days everything will miraculously be as I hoped for..? The internal battling continues, but it's welcomed relief to be able to empty (part of) my head tonight ~A Troubled Traveller
  4. Escapism.

    A family thing has popped up and I find myself reverting back to my old ways. I'm running again. Back when I was a kid, all I did was run away, block out, suppress the lot. Escapism is the number one thing I learned from my childhood. Well, that and reckless actions..which again were all to the same effect. Tonight I will escape by watching a long series of some kind. Not the most outlandish of activities I know but it's something to block the world out. I can deal and face most of my issues especially as I battle them so relentlessly most of my waking moments. Family past is something I will forever run away from. It's too full of missed opportunities and regrets. Enough attention and tears have been given to this already tonight. I need my escape now. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  5. Please help. Badly depressed.

    I believe someone has already mentioned this but 'SAD' (Seasonal Affective Disorder) sound like something you might have. I definitely think I personally suffer a bit more emotionally wise when it's winter. It's usually to do with the reduced sunlight which isn't good for the human body or mind. There's many posts on the forum and even articles on the internet if you want to read more about it. The best thing to do with SAD is to buy a lightbox or a special wake-up light alarm clock such as LUMIE. (I brought myself one for the early 6am starts in the winter where it's still pitch black outside). I can't recommend them enough. Wakes you up gradually without you even realizing it so when it comes to the alarm going off you feel very awake and also in quite a positive mood too) So to some up.. A lightbox of some kind is very effective with the winter blues or 'SAD' if you believe you may have it. Best of luck :)
  6. Survival & Distance

    I survived recent events and things are looking up, by way of what can only be described as forces beyond my imagination. Perhaps she's just a better person than I'll ever be. Once again I've been extremely lucky and managed to swerve away from a deep metaphorical hole in the highway of my life. She's gone away on a mini trip by herself to gain some independent travelling confidence. She tried backing out of it today saying she'd rather me come with her. I can't say I didn't love hearing that and thought about going with her but I made a promise to myself not to be so selfish with this second chance I had been given. I talked her round to going alone - as much as it pained me to say goodbye to her at the train station. I think it'll be good for both her and our recovering relationship for her to have some space away from me. A little bit of distance is sometimes just the right move to fix things. Tonight, I'm alone. My mind wonders effortlessly at the best of times.. but right now the thoughts are dulled right down. This surprises me. I do wonder of how she is, who shes talking to and how much fun she's having without me but I'm trying not to dwell too much. I'm thinking about her and not my feelings for a change. I'm not jealous but I do hope she's safe and is having a good time. I trust her. I'm in a place.. more positive than negative but still I'm unsure. I feel a piece of me is missing but I know it's a piece that isn't lost - it's just at a distance from me, for now. I am grateful today (and in general) ~ A Troubled Traveller
  7. This is Not Good

    Same here pal, it always takes a turn for the worst.. a hug goes out to you. I hope things improve for you very soon. Carrying on keeping your head up high above that metaphorical water!
  8. I do it to myself.

    'Find you some paper, And I'll go grab you a pen, You can start making notes, On how this all started again.' ..I have ****ed everything up. I not only lied to her I also swore to her out of fear. I am a disgusting human being and I deserve all the bad I feel throughout life. I'm a selfish P.O.S who I hate more than anyone possibly could. God how I ******* despise myself. I felt the words come out of my mouth like jumbled lettering cascading over my lips without permission. My heart sank as soon as I realised what I had done. She knew. I knew. I have abused her trust beyond repair, despite her efforts in trying to understand my reasoning for it all. I did have reasoning, but it doesn't excuse my actions in lying to her in such horrific fashion. Not only have a shattered her trust in me, I've created a whole painful situation to which we both don't trust each other. I'm so frightened she's going to do something out of spite, she's already lying to me about what she's doing and deleting internet history. What next? I have royally ****** up and for what, getting in touch with an ex because I wanted to build bridges and have a close friend again. I truly believe I am cursed with making bad decisions.. and I wonder why I'm so indecisive in daily life? I've had so much luck for so long. Meeting her, Attracting her, Living with her, Travelling with her. Her. It was bound to come crashing down because of me at some point. I will never forgive myself for destroying this wonderful thing I had. I can't live being constantly paranoid there will be a painful retaliation. It's funny how I commented on anothers post saying 'I no longer feel death was is option' things change so rapidly. It's an option alright. I'm destined to be a **** up forever it seems. They say you 'live and learn'.... at what point do you start learning exactly? I'll let you know if I make it out of this alive. - A troubled Traveller.
  9. Look, Ma, I'm Normal!

    You're totally right to be pleased with yourself! It's the little few wins-a-day that make the day more bearable.. It's only when you compare it to 'the bigger picture' it sort of defiles your small accomplishments of that day, which is seriously difficult to stop sometimes! I don't know about you but on my days off work I can somehow do absolutely nothing all day which doesn't obviously make you feel great.. but on the days off I go out for a walk or do some domestic chores or go gym I feel alot more accomplished! It's all about the little personal wins that count I think! :) Best of luck with the sleep tonight,, :)
  10. Social Media is a terrible thing.

    Today I accidentally stumbled upon 2 of my previous girlfriends Instagram accounts. God, I wish I hadn't. It's made my emotions go absolutely haywire. Don't get me wrong or make no mistake - I'm over them.. and I'm in utter awe of the girl I've been with/travelling with for the last 2 and a bit years. She's my world and I'm so glad we're travelling together in a sort of partner in crime style. I love her. What gets me is that I remember my ex's the way they were when I was with them.. and looking at them both now they look so much more happy now that I'm not in their life. I wish so much that I was on speaking terms with them both for no other reason as just to remain close friends. I want so much in my life to have close friendships with people in my life but I can never seem to get them. I can't help but feel as though they're happier with life in general because I'm not in the picture. I must have been such an horrific boyfriend to make their lives so much better now that they're with other people. Why do I yearn so much to talk to them? Maybe I feel an deep seeded need to make up for being such a partner by being a good friend instead? ..What if my current partner left me..would she then begin to feel so much more happy with her life? ..Am I meant to just be alone perhaps? Maybe I have a massive negative impact on people? ..Maybe I'm not good enough to make people happy.. ...All this because I used social media. I feel bad for even giving my past ex's a second thought when I have such a wonderful partner in the present. God my head hurts. I can't even focus. ~A troubled Traveller
  11. October 11, 2017 Part 2

    Hey GhostInTheShellx, I've been following your blog posts for the last few weeks... the part 1 of this entry got me really worried. Although our situations are completely different, the feelings, the thoughts and the emotions you're showing are frighteningly alike to ones I've had myself. Like, everything you write, I've felt or perhaps still feel now to a certain extent. I said I was worried because when I felt that (like you do now) back when I was younger, I actually attempted to end my life on a number of occasions. It absolutely scares the heck out of me thinking about it now, to think that I could even contemplate it let alone actually try something. I'm 23 now and though I still consider myself still quite emotionally fragile most of the time, I do think my mindset has changed a hell of alot. I no longer think about death as a way out. I'm telling you this because it does get better. Maybe not 100% but the emotional pain does ease off. You gotta keep doing what you're doing, fight it.. even if you feel like giving up, you just can't. Life is so damn precious and I'm sorry to sound like a bible basher (apologies to anyone religious) but it's true. The best it yet to come, just please continue to be strong. You are strong no matter what you think. If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here for you.
  12. Don't let that douche bag have any sort of effect on you! I know it's difficult and it's easier said than done, because believe me I'm guilty of doing the same thing - letting a person strip me of all my self worth. You say he's a teacher..well they always say if you can't do anything, you end up teaching! There's a reason he's a teacher and it's probably because he's a useless writer himself. As for University.. jesus. Uni means absolutely nothing these days. I haven't read your work, but I'm sure it's amazing. Infact I say you should paste some of your work on here so we can all read it! There is no 'right way' with art and creativity.
  13. Selfish.

    It's 2.30am, She's asleep and I'm wide awake. I don't normally have any trouble sleeping, infact, I look forward to it just to escape all the emotion and feelings most of the time. A trigger happened today and I guess I can't shake the thought and feeling it gave me, as per usual. My partners mother is ill and it's playing on her mind, I should be comforting her yet I seem to be so self absorbed in my own emotional 'mush' I'm so empty to her needs. I have moments where I just want to comfort her, hug her and love her. And then other moments where I feel withdrawn and hollow. I feel so incredibly selfish. I know what causes it, but there is nothing I can do to stop it or even prevent it really. If I don't pay attention to this particular trigger, it feels as though I'm ignoring it and just kidding myself into believing it's not real, but when I give it attention it destroys my mood, confidence and my ability to love my partner properly. I feel so unsettled and unfulfilled, something isn't right. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  14. October 8, 2017

    I have those feelings too my friend. That feeling and image you have in your head about the person you wish you were. It just drives us more insane than we already feel. Feels as though I keep just making mistakes consistently dragging me further away from my already somewhat distant 'goal'. I guess the only half-helpful thing i can say is, you're not alone.
  15. Lost 2: The Sequel

    It's horrible that we feel like this but, I'm glad to know there's other people out there who know what it means to live day to day life with these struggles. It's so tough working amongst people who just don't get it.. or don't even think remotely about it. Can't blame people for not thinking something that's constantly relentlessly on our minds though hey