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About Stencils118

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  • Birthday 05/19/1994

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  1. Alone On A Beach

    Tonight I sit on my own, only this time it isn't just in my head. It's 1am and I'm currently writing this on a beach off the west coast of Australia. Pitch black. The stars and my phone are there only remote source of light here. I hear only waves and wind, that alone is enough right now. A tranquil paradise in comparison to these damaging thoughts and impulse decisions. I've been drinking but I'm not drunk. I know how I'm feeling and I know full well it's not alcohol induced. My life really doesn't matter, to people, to this world.. and that's okay. I'm merely a smudge on this earth, to this galaxy, to this universe. I'v come to conclusion that I'd prefer to feel forever alone than to feel..whatever this is. Infact I feel so alone sometimes anyway so why even be in a relationship? I don't want to rejoin the group, I don't want to rejoin the same damn feelings and thoughts I get. I want to detach, disappear right this second. I want all this energy to be used for something better. I will sit on this beach alone, in the pitch black, with nothing but stars for goals and happiness, both physically in this moment and mentally for the foreseeable future. I'm so lost and so lonely.
  2. Rejection & Emotional Rambling

    Another rejection, another piercing stake through my rib cage. At this point I feel hollowed out, numb infact. Maybe that's just how I cope nowadays. I have no more motivation for today to make myself feel good enough again. No more mental strength to pull me out of this isolated ditch. She's supposed to be my partner but I just feel shunted left, right and center. I know I feel alot stronger emotions than most people but that knowledge changes nothing. 'ACT' fails to help me on this occasion. I've realised for a long time now that the world just doesn't make sense to me. The people, their actions, the trends. The way society is, completely bewilders me to the extent where I just don't feel like I belong. Animal cruelty, false allegations, mass shootings, absolutely ridiculous leaders - are just some of the things I read about this week. It's so destressing not being able to understand why things are the way they are. I don't want to be here anyone, not this country, but this world, this life. So many overwhelming emotions are coursing through my consciousness it's hard to focus on anything else. I'm beginning to think I'm more than just merely over-emotional. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  3. Ruined moments.

    Hi peaches Many thanks for your kind words, I appreciate you taking the time to share you opinions and experiences with me. You're completely right about "expectations", they almost certainly set you up for disappointment when the expectations aren't met. I believe I too have way too many expections of certain moments and myself. I wish you all the best with your doctors appointment and I sincerely hope your motivation continues to drive you to get up in the morning. :)
  4. embracing the loneliness

    Reading this makes me so sad. You don't deserve to feel lonely or feel like you're merely being 'swiped' away. You are worth so much more than that. Society is so damn cruel without it ever meaning to be. There's no 'genuine' interaction anymore without there being judgement unless you talk to someone who completely understands how you feel.
  5. Ruined moments.

    Another moment comes and goes. Consumed, digested and then spat out the other end. Beaten, torched and destroyed on its journey forward. Yet again I ruin and destroy a potentially good moment in this life I call my own. Starting off with high hopes only for it to be sucked down into a vacuum that is my dark side. All it takes is a wrong statement, a wrong judgement call, a wrong decision, the wrong tone of voice. No stopping it. It happens and then the inevitable consequences follow. Foundations of my happiness, crumbling beneath me. Back to the bottom of the pile, the level 1, the starting square. 2am and the shadow questions start pouring in like the floodgates have failed.."Why am I even here? Should I go? How would I do it? Why am I like this?" I will sleep tonight and wish to never awake. But I will. Like a stubborn mouth alcer that just wont heal, I'll keep hurting, make it worse by biting down. What state will my sanity be in, if any? I'm on the brink of giving up once again. I promised myself I would never allow myself to get here again but here I sit, on the fence. 2 decisions, sleep or impulsive action. I always choose sleep. But how has that worked out for me in the long run really? Something bad is going to happen, that I am sure of. What my reaction will be though is what scares me the most.. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  6. SSRI's or SNRI's?

    Hey, No answer is a rubbish answer! Thanks for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it :) Just want to know if there's anything that really works or not. The only thing I've noticed that works for me (sometimes) is illegal drug and Alcohol which isn't ideal in any sense. Anything to sooth out the bad thoughts and feelings, hey.
  7. Hi there, Was just wondering people's opinions on what's better SSIR's or SNRI's? I have been on multiple SSIR's in the past such as Sertraline and Fluoxeine but never they really helped so I gave up and stopped taking them. Anyone else taken SSIR'S and felt no improvement? Many thanks,
  8. (dis)connections

    It's just such a mess. How do you tell the difference between a bad mindset and something that is actually wrong? Intimacy is something I physically need in my life. A connection both in mind and intertwining bodies. It provides me with a self-worth and happiness that nothing else comes even close to. I need it so badly, the frustration gnawings the inside of my head. Despite my age and gender it's not about just the sex, it's the feeling of a bond and deep meaningful connection. I want to hold and be held, to know that I'm wanted in every way.. that I'm good enough to be a part of 'this'. Is it so much to ask to feel wanted, loved and lusted after? I'm so sick of feeling so strong about things and desperately wanting such deep passionate intimacy - to no avail. All this makes me doubt myself, my relationship.. I'm gunna try and put all this unwanted energy into something else. What that is yet, I don't know. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  9. Hourglass

    I'm having a low day today. All I can bring myself to do is sit in the corner of this hostel communal room with my headphones in, pumping sound into my head in an attempt to drown out the madness and unhelpful thoughts that are suffocating me. Can't help imagining the hour glass of my life, the sand trickling through, wasting those precious moments on allowing myself to be consumed by this crippling negativity. This imagery makes me panic. 'My light is too slight to hold back all my dark' - Lyrics I'm sure sum up how most of us feel, so very well. I want so much more from myself. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  10. My Thought For The Day 2/7/2018

    A day to remember? <3
  11. Some Positives

    There's something I have never admitted to anyone, not on here nor in relationships (apart from my current partner). Something unnecessary yet so embarrassing and very inconvenient in daily life but even more so when travelling like myself. A quick google search shows apparently a fair few people have also have suffered this in their life time, mainly when they are children but sometimes it carries on into their adulthood. I won't go into it but I'm happy to say I've finally overcome this small yet so significant anxiety that has really had a hold of me for far too many years. Now that I've gotten over 'it', it'll make my daily life so much easier and comfortable. No, it won't fix all my issues but hell it's one less to have to worry about. Me and my partner also had a talk. I explained how I was feeling, she explained how she was feeling and we both agreed to be more supportive of each other. We have been very close since this talk. Right now, I love the way we are. But I am aware that it's not good to try not to hold on so tightly to this feeling. The tighter you attempt to hold onto happiness, the quicker you lose grip of it. At this moment I am happy and a little bit proud of myself. ~ A Troubled Traveller.
  12. (Relation)ship is sinking

    We haven't been the same for a long time but recently we've been worse than ever. We both say we want to try and get this back on track but there seems to be a lack of anything either of us is doing. I suggested giving us some time alone apart as we are together moreorless consistently and we've had some space from time to time but not much has changed. Being in this position makes me unbelievably uncomfortable, insecure and confused to maximum possible levels. It's so bad I'd rather us just break up but I don't want that - I want us to be..well.. US again. I want us to have that spark back, that intensive electric bolt that once flowed through us as though we were ourselves creating an epic lighting storm. I'm so torn. We're not in a good place but I seem to be the one who's suffering the most. All the thoughts, the stories, possible outcomes, things I've done, things i could have done. I seem to think of nothing else and it's eating me alive. I'm expecting the worst, but the 'worst' may actually feel better than the unwanted stuck limbo that this is. 2018 is looking.. troubling. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  13. Compiling a Profile

    A big thing I struggle with is knowing who I am. 'Finding myself' is still something I haven't been able to do, along with a rather large list of other flaws I have to my name. Am I an introvert, socially anxious or just feel no need to socialise or talk with people the majority of the time? Am I a good person or something different? Things I know I am:- I'm emotional, I'm an overthinker, I'm an over analyser, I'm temperamental, I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I'm anxious, I'm standoffish (at times), I can be loving, kind, generous, helpful, awkward and selfish. Yet still no real clue who I really am. It's an identity crisis. I hope through the travelling we've got planned for 2018 it will all eventually come to light but I've learned so far not to expect such changes so quickly. ~ A Troubled Traveller
  14. For Clarity

    Tonight is the first night, in what feels like a long time since I felt this manic feeling. I write tonight in the hope to bring somewhat sense of calm to myself. A steady stream of negativity has been lapping up in my head like the tide does on rocks upon the shore line. All efforts to defuse my thoughts just weren't enough this time to stop my barrier from cracking. Before I knew it the pressure, the anxiety, the negativity, the thoughts, had all built up. I needed to get out, out of the room, out of company. I needed solitude where I could weep by myself without the need to explain or analyse why I felt the way I did. I keep feeling I need to push myself, to break from my shell, to make the best out of the situation I have in front of me. After all the only one whose stopping myself from appreciating all of this, is me. This very pressure is only making me feel worse. Worse for not 'seizing the day' and all the other buzz words that the self help books and quotes written by people, who have utterly no idea what it feels like to be this way. The whole thing is a happiness trap. Tomorrow, I know that I will awake in a better mood. To me it will be forgotten but to my significant other, she will most likely add this to the ever increasing list of bad moments for her on this trip. This alone makes me feel worse than the feelings and thoughts that bother me. Knowing I drag her down only confirms the forever echo that continues within darkness of my mind - I'm not good enough, least of all for her. She says she hasn't got the mental energy to support me anymore - honestly who can blame her. ~ A Troubled Traveller.
  15. A Taste of Normality

    I had a wonderful taste of normality that lasted a whole 7(ish) days, It was bliss. I was surprisingly chatty to people at work and I enjoyed it. I felt very close to my girlfriend and was genuinely enjoying life I thought. But, nothing lasts forever.. I saw something, a message that has brought my joyful, fun, gleaming self back behind the invisible bars. Replaced once again by the hollowed out shell that autopilots this body when the real me is trapped behind a trigger or an idea. I know this won't last long but at the moment the more I try and fight this the more it feels like I'm just ignoring my feelings. Deceiving myself, masking over a grey pattern with a weak, dried out felt-tip pen. I'm grateful that I felt so good, so alive even for just a few days. This is an achievement, even if it is now just a fading memory that feels like someone else's. I'll have to just wait this one out again. ~ A Troubled Traveler