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Everything posted by pinto77

  1. It is ok to relapse. It is part of the process towards healing. Do not beat yourself over it but know that tomorrow is another day! I suffered from disordered eating on and off for 17 years. I did not seek help and kept to myself, which made recovery very difficult BUT not impossible. Today I can say that I am fully recovered for 7 years. Maybe it comes with age. Maybe it was because I was mentally and physically exhausted from it all. I also challenged myself by eating normal and quieting my eating disordered thoughts. What I realized was that eating “forbidden” foods was not going to make me gain weight overnight, and nothing bad was going to happen! After living a relatively solitary life and eating pret unhealthy (I eat what I want!), I have still maintained a very healthy weight but now with a healthy mind too. Your body knows how to maintain itself if you just let go. I’ve learned to trust and appreciate it. I’ve apologized to it for putting it under so much stress! I prayed that I did not cause long lasting damage. My disordered life feels like a past life. However it still saddens me that I wasted 17 years to food and exercise. I really hope it won’t take you that long to fully recover. I missed out on so much fun, job/money, trips, relationships and connection, and life experiences. There really is much more to life than body image and eating disorders.
  2. This is the year we focus on ourselves and leave those who are toxic out of our lives. I had an ex from 20 years ago reach out to me regularly on social media. I have to believe he’s going through something and using me as an outlet. I have since stopped using social media and am taking a break. I am thankful he does not have my mobile number! I do not wish to reminisce about the past or invite that toxicity/negativity into my life again. Kudos to you for not reaching out to her and finding support elsewhere!
  3. I had very similar feelings towards someone for years. He had never cheated on me or did anything bad. He just never really gave me a very good reason why we had to end things so I never had closure. We were still hanging out occasionally mostly to hook up but were not exclusive. About a year later he moved away due to his job. I would compare every single guy to him and would pine after him especially when I was single and alone in my thoughts. Years went by without communication. I still wondered about him, looked him up on social media, see he’s with someone, and it would depress me every time. Fast forward to the end of 2020. He text me out of the blue. We started talking again and honestly he changed and I changed. Maybe he didn’t change but I was able to see him in a different light. We had little in common and his goals in life simply didn’t match mine. He still acted like a bachelor and was not ready to settle down. I had put him on such a high pedestal with him being this perfect person. This was how I finally got over him after 6-7 years of obsessing. I hope you won’t need to wait this long to find closure. I know how hard it is!
  4. I love a lot of things but would really love it if I could lump them altogether! I love (1) staying in bed with a (2) warm, cozy blanket by a (3) warm fireplace with a (4) good movie and a (5) cup of hot chocolate with a (6) great view of the mountains and of (7) the Milky Way, while snuggling with my favorite dog breed (8) the English bull dog!!
  5. I am sorry to hear about the passing of your mother. I lost my mother last December due to cancer which she fought very hard for 10 months. It was a relief to know she was no longer suffering but still very hard for me and my family. We think about her everyday and even went to visit her grave yesterday. It was a strange feeling because it felt more joyous than before. I hope that you find that peace too. Do you have a good support system? It helped me tremendously. That and simply feeling like my mother is happy and in a much better place. I always tell myself that she is with her family, friends, and my brother who passed away some 40 years before her. I think the heartache will never go away but I pray that you find some peace and comfort.
  6. I don't think there is a right or wrong way. What you did took some guts and it's something you should be proud of! I think it's a great way to meet new people and feel you should keep doing it if you feel it's right. Personally, I hate when guys ask me to hang out with them. I dread it (and always decline the offer) but that's just me.
  7. Hi Lexiia, I remember these exact feelings when I was your age. I rode the depression out and am no longer in that same state. If your mom doesn’t understand, it’s ok. You have others (like us) who completely understand! Some people just aren’t well equipped to handle those kinds of emotions and/or aren’t empathetic. Personally, my family doesn’t believe depression is a real thing and you know what? It’s ok. Keep writing on here. We are here to listen.
  8. To not be so lazy on my off days and get stuff done!!! To love myself more and take care of my health.
  9. Eating disorders may feel like a life sentence but it is not! Although, I am not always happy or comfortable with my appearance, I can say that I no longer have an eating disorder or the same anxiety around food and body image. Gone are the days of anorexia, binge eating and bulimia (purge through exercise). I’ve put my body through so much over the years (on and off from 17 to 30) that I am astonished that I’m even alive sometimes. My life with an eating disorder was such a blur and so much time was wasted. I literally do not have many nice memories or even photos of myself. I am 37 now and learning to enjoy life and being present. Take the time to really appreciate all that your body has done and continues to do for you. Your body is your biggest ally whether large, small or average!
  10. Lojinx, I completely understand what you are going through. I have gone, and am going through, similar relationship problems. I stay because I see a glimmer of hope, though in actuality I know he is not truly worth staying for. The only stable thing in my life right now is my job. Without that, things would be a lot more chaotic even though work is stress in itself!! I know you dont believe you can start all over but that is simply not true. Once you let go of this ball and chain, you will begin to see the light! Right now it's important to create an exit plan, whether that means saving up your money and/or disengaging with your partner so you feel less of a draw to him. Surround yourself with others like you or who are willing to lend an ear. If you ever need to talk, I will be here to support you! We are all in this together!
  11. I've traveled locally in the US solo on my birthday. It was very invigorating!! :)
  12. Don't move to another state with this guy! I made the same mistake and it cost me over 2k to move out back to my home state. Do you have friends and family you can stay with even temporarily? By the way, my very first car was a used sedan and I never felt safe driving it! The interior just felt too big and roomy. Then my second vehicle was a mid-size truck and although it's much bigger physically it was the perfect fit. I've never felt as safe and confident driving :)
  13. I have been in your shoes many times during my life. What initially got me out of this cycle was setting small goals whether it be walking around the block, re-organizing my entire closet, making my bed, or giving the bathroom floors a good mopping! It made the impossible feel possible. I later signed myself up for volunteer work, odd jobs, and eventually landed a full-time job - I gained a sense of normalcy, I started to connect with people, and I stopped having anxiety regarding finances. Just having a steady routine kept me from spiraling out of control (I had developed some terrible coping skills and habits). Suddenly, I had responsibilities. And though this can sometimes be stressful, it doesn't compare to the life I had living as a recluse. Networking is great but if your friends and colleagues have gone silent perhaps it's time to venture out on your own. Look at job listings, maybe start with volunteer work, attend book/poetry readings, head to the ocean and just explore. Do what gives you any modicum of happiness and quiets the negative thoughts and self-doubt in your head. Something new that I've been trying to do lately is re-connecting with my family and attending those awkward social gatherings which I've always hated. Sometimes you have to challenge yourself because you know it's good for you. If I can do all this, I know you can too!! :)
  14. I am using the app Chubbybunny89 suggested and so far it seems pretty decent although I haven't made any connections. Apparently users can "like" you but you don't know who they are! Good luck SoundOfSilence. If it means anything, I would be your friend! haha
  15. Thanks, Chubbybunny. I don't trust Craigslist here in NYC but will take a look at Patook. I've also tried Girlfriend Social in the past but some of the women there would mention how much they looked forward to girls night partying and drinking! Haha Unfortunately, my bf doesn't stand up for me like that. He tries not to say or do anything against his family to lessen avoid potential drama. More reason why I need to find female friends and go out more.
  16. Thanks, morecoffee! My bf's family is a little judgmental. If I do anything out of the ordinary by their definition (not socialize, not go out, not drink, not watch trending shows like Game of Thrones, etc), they make a big deal about it to my bf or make fun of me publicly ("Wow! She's actually drinking tonight! Let's take a picture!!!" - this happened last night). The last thing I want to do is to stand out and get criticized. I actually had people ask me where I lived, if I liked the city, where I went to school, all those things you mentioned, and I dreaded it because I don't like to talk about myself! Haha. Guess you can't always have two people trying to steal the spotlight! But you are right if someone just isn't my type then I can't force myself to be what they are looking for.
  17. I was invited to a birthday party late last night at a bar with mostly people in their mid 20s to early 30s (I am 36). The only person I knew there was my bf, and I only kind of connected with his parents and his sister (the birthday girl). The bar was crowded; everyone was mingling, bubbly, and super social while I sat there in discomfort hoping no one with notice. Some of the girls were super nice and tried to talk to me but it was awkward and short-lived. I felt like I had nothing in common with them and the atmosphere (loud music, noise etc) made it even more difficult to hold any kind of prolonged conversation. To put things into greater perspective, the girls (including my bf's sister) were all Caucasian, from wealthy families, Jewish, ex-sorority girls (I am none of these listed) who still acted like sorority girls. They knew how to party, drink, socialize and have a good time. They were comfortable in their bodies and in their being. I have nothing against them but that's just never been my scene or personality. I've never been the touchy feely type even when I did have some close girlfriends. I've never been tcomfortable to show that much skin and dance like no one was watching. Regardless, I felt like these girls were trying to feel me out and I "blew it." The experience really opened my eyes and got me desiring female companionships. I don't think I'll be a great girlfriend in the sense that I would love to hang out all the time. Work keeps me too busy and tired and I love being a homebody! However, I do want to feel like I'm "just one of the girls" at times and fit in. Be "normal" and less awkward with other females. I've always found friendships with men to be easier because it was low maintenance, but friendships with men can get messy. I am extroverted introvert and have good social skills. I can get along with most people and I feel age is just a number, but it does get infinitely harder to make new friends with age. How does a female in my circumstances connect with other females? What should I do the next time I'm put in this situation with these girls? It's bound to happen again as my bf and his family always expects me to show up at these kinds of social events.
  18. I feel like a fool because I am investing in this relationship when it is clear to everyone else that I need to get out. It is quite clear to me too even though I still hold onto hope. The life we had built together over the years has become such a habit as well.
  19. Thanks again for all the replies and support, everyone!! It really means a lot to me! I've been out of the loop but here's a quick update - I feel like such a fool for admitting to you all that I started paying rent (it helped relieve a lot of tension esp. on his part, which made things easier for me) and that I am still in this abusive relationship. Things aren't always bad but it is very difficult to handle his day to day behavior. I suffer from anxiety so I feel like I am constantly on edge because I don't know how he would react to anything. We can't even have a serious conversation because he would accuse me of "starting an argument." He was in a very bad mood this morning because I had stayed up too late last night while on my phone. He wants me to go to bed when he goes to bed, and I have to pay attention to him when he wants it though I am not entitled to the same. Basically everything has to go his way or he would be unhappy. On the outside, I appear put together, strong, assertive but I feel so weak and deflated when I am physically with him. My self-esteem is very low and my outlook bleak. Sometimes I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship that even if I left I would have to expose my vulnerabilities to someone else and either end up with someone with the same or worse problems, or maybe he would treat me the same after he sees my problems. Yes, I do blame myself a lot for the issues in my relationship although I know it's not 100% me like my partner claims. He would oftentimes tell me how his buddies have great relationships with understanding, "normal," trusting women, and I have to remind him that people rarely reveal what happens behind closed doors. He remains delusional that he has it soooo bad with me because I am a psycho, abnormal, terrible, stingy, selfish person. He tells me no one would truly love me if they knew the real me. Sometimes a small part of me believes all of that but I am reminded of how much love I received from family, friends, coworkers and even exes in past relationships. He would get sick of people complimenting me and respond that exes were just using me for my body (false) and I am "easy" (far from the truth). I have asked him many times why he stays with me if he thinks so terribly of me. When he's in a good mood, he tells me it's because he loves me. When he's in a bad mood, he tells me that the only reason why we are still together is because I won't leave his apt/his life. I do see my relationship as very manipulative and verbally abusive but I don't think I would want to escalate it by calling a DV center/hotline even if he threatens to call not the DV but the police for my "trespassing." I notice that I am using quotes a lot because my situation is so absurd yet I feel stuck? This is very poor reasoning but I also feel stuck because his parents really took a liking to me (my parents just wants me to get married but are indifferent towards him) and we have upcoming planned events and vacations. I guess I feel like I can't disappoint in a way? The unknowing keeps me stuck even if the odds don't look good for me. I wish I could stop believing things can actually work out and that we can be happy. I wish I can find the strength to move on. He made if clear to me recently that he plans on going to the casinos more whether with or without me. Maybe the more time apart we have, the easier it will be for me to up and leave.
  20. Thanks for all the responses! My bf reminded me this morning that rent was due tomorrow and that there would be real consequences if I don't pay up. I don't know what these consequences are but he's been known to throw my stuff out in the halls. He's threatened to break my laptop many times (which is why I don't keep it in his apt anymore). I'm no saint and I know I cause a lot of stress in his life due to my fears and insecurities. Sometimes I wonder if this is fair treatment. I have left him many times before but he found a way to suck me back in but this new gambling and paying rent business is really hard to take. He's turned into such a bully. He does have an addictive personality (addicted to garden shrub) but not yet with gambling. We live in NY so gambling is illegal. His dream is to quit his job and move to Vegas though he knows I won't follow. For now he's trying to find ways to gamble online which is in many ways scarier to me. I am wondering how I am going to get all my stuff out of this apt for the third and hopefully final time. Finding that strength to move out is getting more and more difficult. I don't have many friends outside of work and my crappy relationship is not something I want to involve my family in. I don't have support and always have to rely on myself and my own strength. I'm afraid I will be stuck with this person for a long time. I feel stuck and unable to even move.
  21. Some background: My bf finally moved out of his parents' house at the age of 30 after our relationship became more serious but he was never stressed about money. After spending a few nights with him at his new place and getting to know him, I uncovered some awful truths which created a lot of animosity and distrust in the relationship. Apparently, he had a terrible habit of lying (some big, some small). And the more lies I uncovered the more insecure and anxious I became. It became hard to even be away from him because my anxiety intensified. I feared that he would do something to hurt me again and again and again...Over time we ended up living together even though I had a place of my own (it was one of two houses my parents owned which they offered me to live rent free). Initially, we lived together out of fear but then it became a habit and way of life. He would encourage me to stay with him and never once asked for me to contribute financially. I would simply pull my weight in other ways such as cooking and cleaning, running errands, doing laundry, etc. I would also pay for groceries and lunch/dinners out. Over the next few months, we realized that the apt was a nightmare (roaches, issues with management and tenants) and we had serious plans to move out. Once the lease was almost over, we went apt hunting and he settled on the first apt we saw which I hated. I hated the bad vibe of the apt, the city and culture of the city, I hated the commute and how far it was to work and to the people I knew. I expressed this hatred to him but he signed the lease anyway. As he puts it "I don't care what you think. It's my place, my decision, and I like it!" So I put up with it and continued to stay with him in this new place through his continued encouragement to stay. Forward to present day - my bf's old love for gambling resurfaces and suddenly we are taking trips to casinos. Suddenly he becomes super depressed about his job wishing everyday that he'd get fired. He is tardy to work and finds his job so boring. He feels that his calling is to become a professional poker player even though his skills are mediocre. Now he watches poker videos daily to study poker, and suddenly money matters a lot. He calls me out as a selfish mooch who is just using him. He is demanding that I pay half of the rent and utilities because it's what "normal" couples do. He threatens to kick me out if i don't. He reminds me that my rent is due May 1st. So it's not like I can't afford to pay half of everything but I just can't make myself. I feel like he is using me sometimes so he'd have more money to gamble with. I resent him so much for so many things - for the past issues and for the present issues. I resent how he approached and handled this subject regarding finances and how he doesn't recognize how I contribute to us at all. I hate him for reminding me of how much he hates me, and I hate how he spends hours watching poker videos. Furthermore, Ive worked so hard for my money and hes been so complacent at his job. When we first began dating, he had earned more money than me but now I make more through continuous hard work which I'm finally getting recognition for. He gets jealous of my bonuses and makes snide remarks. But I'm by no means wealthy, and before anyone accuses me of being a mooch, I do give back to my parents financially (while my bfs parents still spoil him financially) and I pay my own bills and everything I own. I feel so much hatred and sadness in my heart that I feel numb. Sometimes I want to give in to him and do the "normal" thing and pay half the rent or whatever else he is demanding, and then throw money, solo fancy dinners, solo lavish trips on him even though I've never spoiled myself with such things. Other times I want to just run back to my old apt and leave all this hatred behind. I have to wonder what will happen on May 1st. I guess men taking care of women is an outdated ideology. Maybe I live in a different generation as I am 4 years older than my bf, and I have to get with the program and stop being such a "mooch?" I told my bf that i can maybe just stay with him on weekends and stay at my place on weekdays. He quips that I must really be f-ing cheap and that I don't care for him or the relationship.
  22. Your BF sounds just like my mine! I couldn't take it anymore and upped and left. He came home to an empty apartment. We broke up... Currently, we are back together and trying to work on things. Our relationship is much better because he had a taste of what he lost. He is more appreciative and I'm more appreciative of him, and less focused on what's wrong with the relationship. Do you think this is something you can do? Have some time apart? It's so important that we have a separate life from that of our significant other. Its easy for people to tell you to get on meds when it's not their body!! Stay strong in your beliefs. It's your body. I am not against medication but I personally choose to live a medication free life. It's not worth the risks.
  23. I've been in this position. Although him and I made it clear that we were in a relationship, it was not that serious and mostly, in hindsight, a friends with benefits situation. After he ended things with me, I was devastated but I kept going back to him. I would drop everything because I couldn't get over him and wanted his affection and attention even if it meant just spending one useless night together. When I did get into other relationships I would forget him. But when they ended I would go back to obsessing about that guy and then spending more nights with him whenever he beckoned. It took maybe 3 years to get over him and it's never been this hard to get over anyone. I realized he was just using me and it made me feel sick. But sometimes I wonder what I will do when he invites me out again and I'm in an emotionally weak state. He's moved out of the state and it helps! He visits rarely. I can only imagine how difficult it would be if I had to work with him. At the same time, I think that once you see Your self worth, you wouldn't care to cater to this person who doesn't respect you as a person, and who don't see you as someone Worthy of his love.
  24. There's a young intern who started her internship at my office a few months ago. She would often leave the bathroom a mess after usage which drove all the ladies nuts. My colleague thought she might've hovered over the toilet for fear of touching the seat and then missing her shots every time. But I thought the brown watery consistency of whatever she left behind was off.... It wasn't until I saw a can of Diet Coke sitting on the bathroom counter that I made the connection. I then noticed her bringing cans of soda to the bathroom for weeks. She would dump the cans in various trash cans around the bathroom. 1, 2 up to 4 cans a day! I sit idly by and don't say a thing. A part of me wants the internship to be over so I don't need to be a silent witness to this. Another part want to say something though I know it's not any of my business. What would you do?
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