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pinto77

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About pinto77

  • Rank
    Community Assistant
  • Birthday May 27

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    New York

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  1. I don't think there is a right or wrong way. What you did took some guts and it's something you should be proud of! I think it's a great way to meet new people and feel you should keep doing it if you feel it's right. Personally, I hate when guys ask me to hang out with them. I dread it (and always decline the offer) but that's just me.
  2. Hi Lexiia, I remember these exact feelings when I was your age. I rode the depression out and am no longer in that same state. If your mom doesn’t understand, it’s ok. You have others (like us) who completely understand! Some people just aren’t well equipped to handle those kinds of emotions and/or aren’t empathetic. Personally, my family doesn’t believe depression is a real thing and you know what? It’s ok. Keep writing on here. We are here to listen.
  3. To not be so lazy on my off days and get stuff done!!! To love myself more and take care of my health.
  4. Eating disorders may feel like a life sentence but it is not! Although, I am not always happy or comfortable with my appearance, I can say that I no longer have an eating disorder or the same anxiety around food and body image. Gone are the days of anorexia, binge eating and bulimia (purge through exercise). I’ve put my body through so much over the years (on and off from 17 to 30) that I am astonished that I’m even alive sometimes. My life with an eating disorder was such a blur and so much time was wasted. I literally do not have many nice memories or even photos of myself. I am 37 now and learning to enjoy life and being present. Take the time to really appreciate all that your body has done and continues to do for you. Your body is your biggest ally whether large, small or average!
  5. Lojinx, I completely understand what you are going through. I have gone, and am going through, similar relationship problems. I stay because I see a glimmer of hope, though in actuality I know he is not truly worth staying for. The only stable thing in my life right now is my job. Without that, things would be a lot more chaotic even though work is stress in itself!! I know you dont believe you can start all over but that is simply not true. Once you let go of this ball and chain, you will begin to see the light! Right now it's important to create an exit plan, whether that means saving up your money and/or disengaging with your partner so you feel less of a draw to him. Surround yourself with others like you or who are willing to lend an ear. If you ever need to talk, I will be here to support you! We are all in this together!
  6. I've traveled locally in the US solo on my birthday. It was very invigorating!! :)
  7. Don't move to another state with this guy! I made the same mistake and it cost me over 2k to move out back to my home state. Do you have friends and family you can stay with even temporarily? By the way, my very first car was a used sedan and I never felt safe driving it! The interior just felt too big and roomy. Then my second vehicle was a mid-size truck and although it's much bigger physically it was the perfect fit. I've never felt as safe and confident driving :)
  8. I have been in your shoes many times during my life. What initially got me out of this cycle was setting small goals whether it be walking around the block, re-organizing my entire closet, making my bed, or giving the bathroom floors a good mopping! It made the impossible feel possible. I later signed myself up for volunteer work, odd jobs, and eventually landed a full-time job - I gained a sense of normalcy, I started to connect with people, and I stopped having anxiety regarding finances. Just having a steady routine kept me from spiraling out of control (I had developed some terrible coping skills and habits). Suddenly, I had responsibilities. And though this can sometimes be stressful, it doesn't compare to the life I had living as a recluse. Networking is great but if your friends and colleagues have gone silent perhaps it's time to venture out on your own. Look at job listings, maybe start with volunteer work, attend book/poetry readings, head to the ocean and just explore. Do what gives you any modicum of happiness and quiets the negative thoughts and self-doubt in your head. Something new that I've been trying to do lately is re-connecting with my family and attending those awkward social gatherings which I've always hated. Sometimes you have to challenge yourself because you know it's good for you. If I can do all this, I know you can too!! :)
  9. I am using the app Chubbybunny89 suggested and so far it seems pretty decent although I haven't made any connections. Apparently users can "like" you but you don't know who they are! Good luck SoundOfSilence. If it means anything, I would be your friend! haha
  10. Thanks, Chubbybunny. I don't trust Craigslist here in NYC but will take a look at Patook. I've also tried Girlfriend Social in the past but some of the women there would mention how much they looked forward to girls night partying and drinking! Haha Unfortunately, my bf doesn't stand up for me like that. He tries not to say or do anything against his family to lessen avoid potential drama. More reason why I need to find female friends and go out more.
  11. Thanks, morecoffee! My bf's family is a little judgmental. If I do anything out of the ordinary by their definition (not socialize, not go out, not drink, not watch trending shows like Game of Thrones, etc), they make a big deal about it to my bf or make fun of me publicly ("Wow! She's actually drinking tonight! Let's take a picture!!!" - this happened last night). The last thing I want to do is to stand out and get criticized. I actually had people ask me where I lived, if I liked the city, where I went to school, all those things you mentioned, and I dreaded it because I don't like to talk about myself! Haha. Guess you can't always have two people trying to steal the spotlight! But you are right if someone just isn't my type then I can't force myself to be what they are looking for.
  12. I was invited to a birthday party late last night at a bar with mostly people in their mid 20s to early 30s (I am 36). The only person I knew there was my bf, and I only kind of connected with his parents and his sister (the birthday girl). The bar was crowded; everyone was mingling, bubbly, and super social while I sat there in discomfort hoping no one with notice. Some of the girls were super nice and tried to talk to me but it was awkward and short-lived. I felt like I had nothing in common with them and the atmosphere (loud music, noise etc) made it even more difficult to hold any kind of prolonged conversation. To put things into greater perspective, the girls (including my bf's sister) were all Caucasian, from wealthy families, Jewish, ex-sorority girls (I am none of these listed) who still acted like sorority girls. They knew how to party, drink, socialize and have a good time. They were comfortable in their bodies and in their being. I have nothing against them but that's just never been my scene or personality. I've never been the touchy feely type even when I did have some close girlfriends. I've never been tcomfortable to show that much skin and dance like no one was watching. Regardless, I felt like these girls were trying to feel me out and I "blew it." The experience really opened my eyes and got me desiring female companionships. I don't think I'll be a great girlfriend in the sense that I would love to hang out all the time. Work keeps me too busy and tired and I love being a homebody! However, I do want to feel like I'm "just one of the girls" at times and fit in. Be "normal" and less awkward with other females. I've always found friendships with men to be easier because it was low maintenance, but friendships with men can get messy. I am extroverted introvert and have good social skills. I can get along with most people and I feel age is just a number, but it does get infinitely harder to make new friends with age. How does a female in my circumstances connect with other females? What should I do the next time I'm put in this situation with these girls? It's bound to happen again as my bf and his family always expects me to show up at these kinds of social events.
  13. I feel like a fool because I am investing in this relationship when it is clear to everyone else that I need to get out. It is quite clear to me too even though I still hold onto hope. The life we had built together over the years has become such a habit as well.
  14. Thanks again for all the replies and support, everyone!! It really means a lot to me! I've been out of the loop but here's a quick update - I feel like such a fool for admitting to you all that I started paying rent (it helped relieve a lot of tension esp. on his part, which made things easier for me) and that I am still in this abusive relationship. Things aren't always bad but it is very difficult to handle his day to day behavior. I suffer from anxiety so I feel like I am constantly on edge because I don't know how he would react to anything. We can't even have a serious conversation because he would accuse me of "starting an argument." He was in a very bad mood this morning because I had stayed up too late last night while on my phone. He wants me to go to bed when he goes to bed, and I have to pay attention to him when he wants it though I am not entitled to the same. Basically everything has to go his way or he would be unhappy. On the outside, I appear put together, strong, assertive but I feel so weak and deflated when I am physically with him. My self-esteem is very low and my outlook bleak. Sometimes I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship that even if I left I would have to expose my vulnerabilities to someone else and either end up with someone with the same or worse problems, or maybe he would treat me the same after he sees my problems. Yes, I do blame myself a lot for the issues in my relationship although I know it's not 100% me like my partner claims. He would oftentimes tell me how his buddies have great relationships with understanding, "normal," trusting women, and I have to remind him that people rarely reveal what happens behind closed doors. He remains delusional that he has it soooo bad with me because I am a psycho, abnormal, terrible, stingy, selfish person. He tells me no one would truly love me if they knew the real me. Sometimes a small part of me believes all of that but I am reminded of how much love I received from family, friends, coworkers and even exes in past relationships. He would get sick of people complimenting me and respond that exes were just using me for my body (false) and I am "easy" (far from the truth). I have asked him many times why he stays with me if he thinks so terribly of me. When he's in a good mood, he tells me it's because he loves me. When he's in a bad mood, he tells me that the only reason why we are still together is because I won't leave his apt/his life. I do see my relationship as very manipulative and verbally abusive but I don't think I would want to escalate it by calling a DV center/hotline even if he threatens to call not the DV but the police for my "trespassing." I notice that I am using quotes a lot because my situation is so absurd yet I feel stuck? This is very poor reasoning but I also feel stuck because his parents really took a liking to me (my parents just wants me to get married but are indifferent towards him) and we have upcoming planned events and vacations. I guess I feel like I can't disappoint in a way? The unknowing keeps me stuck even if the odds don't look good for me. I wish I could stop believing things can actually work out and that we can be happy. I wish I can find the strength to move on. He made if clear to me recently that he plans on going to the casinos more whether with or without me. Maybe the more time apart we have, the easier it will be for me to up and leave.
  15. Thanks for all the responses! My bf reminded me this morning that rent was due tomorrow and that there would be real consequences if I don't pay up. I don't know what these consequences are but he's been known to throw my stuff out in the halls. He's threatened to break my laptop many times (which is why I don't keep it in his apt anymore). I'm no saint and I know I cause a lot of stress in his life due to my fears and insecurities. Sometimes I wonder if this is fair treatment. I have left him many times before but he found a way to suck me back in but this new gambling and paying rent business is really hard to take. He's turned into such a bully. He does have an addictive personality (addicted to garden shrub) but not yet with gambling. We live in NY so gambling is illegal. His dream is to quit his job and move to Vegas though he knows I won't follow. For now he's trying to find ways to gamble online which is in many ways scarier to me. I am wondering how I am going to get all my stuff out of this apt for the third and hopefully final time. Finding that strength to move out is getting more and more difficult. I don't have many friends outside of work and my crappy relationship is not something I want to involve my family in. I don't have support and always have to rely on myself and my own strength. I'm afraid I will be stuck with this person for a long time. I feel stuck and unable to even move.
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