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Everything posted by taysmom1016

  1. Dear RandomBloke, We share a lot in common, as do many. I'm a 46-year-old single mom who finally reached my goal of buying my own home last year, I have a healthy, beautiful 11-year-old son, my family is well, yet I, too, feel guilty, depressed and anxious. All a part of the illness, my friend, especially the guilt. It's a vicious circle but you have come to the right place. You can vent all you want, find friends with similar stories, and when you feel comfortable, even reply to a few posts and offer your help and support. This forum has been a Godsend to me. Today is a particularly down in the dumps, anxious day for me (no particular reason other than the weather is freezing rain and crappy and my dog and I had to shorten our usual long walk). I came to the forum looking for some relief and yours was the first post I read. It reminded me that I'm not alone and I hope it helps you to know that you are not either. Since I'm not comfortable sharing my depression with my "real" family, it helps to come here and share my feelings with my "new" family. Welcome!
  2. I agree about the crying part, I was watching the Whitney Houston coverage last week and lost it when I heard "Greatest Love of All" and "I Will Always Love You". I felt a little better after a good cry, for a little while anyway. I also watch reruns of Extreme Makeover Home Addition (since they took it off the air now). That's usually a good tear jerker, plus everything those families go through helps put things in perspective. Good luck with the depression research. I wish there was a trial like that near me. I hope it gives you the relief you need. If it's any consollation, I'm a woman and I think men who aren't afraid to cry very sexy and appealing!
  3. Anxiety sux! As you can see, you are definitely not alone with your feelings. A lot of what you wrote could have been written by me. I take Ambien and clonazepam to help me sleep and can still be laying there an hour later with a racing heart and paralyzing fear. Please don't feel like a failure for needing to take medication. We all have an illness, and a lot of illnesses require medications. I try to remember deep breathing exercises when this happens and relaxing my body from one end to the other, counting to 100 and back down, until I just get so tired (or bored) that I fall asleep. I'm also reading 2 books, Mindful Way Through Depression and Mindful Way through Anxiety. I just started them and since I have short term memory and concentration problems from a serious illness in 2008 that deprived my brain of oxygen and caused damage, it is hard to stay interested and get through the books. I think I've started 3 now and haven't finished one yet. Hang in there. Keep trying to get out of the house to walk, window shop, visit friends, etc. I walk my dog every day no matter how crappy I feel (or how crappy the weather is and being from Minnesota, it can get crappy!). And don't feel bad about turning 30, I'm 46 and still hopeful for a long, hopefully someday happy life free of depression and anxiety. If they can put a man on the moon, why the heck can't they find a cure for depression and anxiety????
  4. Welcome to the forum, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter and all she has been through. I suffer from PTSD from a near fatal illness in 2008 and the horrible experience of being in a coma for 5 days. I can relate to the nightmares and insomnia, it can be really scary. I hope her doctors can find some way to help your daughter. I take Ambien and other natural supplements (kava kava, melatonin, GABA, sometimes valerian root) to help with my sleep. Since adding the supplements, I can sometimes sleep for longer periods of time, waking only 3-4 times a night instead of every hour. It's still a battle and I hope she gets well soon.
  5. I just finished about a 4 week trial of St. John's Wort or "Mood Support", a supplement I found on Amazon. It did nothing for me but I too have trouble with ADs helping. I've tried several supplements, nothing has been the miracle cure. I think SAM-e was helping but only at a high dose and it's expensive and also it was upsetting my stomach so I stopped it. I see my pdoc next month and am going to ask her if there is anything that we can add to my mirtazipine because my depression is really rearing its ugly head lately.
  6. I'm on 45 mg. of mirtazipine, I was actually put on it last winter after a stomach ailment landed me in the hospital and I lost 40 lbs in a couple of months and they couldn't find anything wrong with me, wrote it off as stress and put me on the med. Ironically, my depression and anxiety (which I have battled for years but felt was under control) kicked in AFTER I started on the mirtazipine but it did help with my appetite and I've gained back some of the weight. (Darn, it was the one benefit of getting sick!) I walk every day, try to watch what I eat but it's tough. I've managed to lose about 5 lbs of the 25 I've gained back. I get hungriest at night, even waking in the middle of the night and grabbing snacks! I'd like to ask my doc if I could try something else but I'm one of those "treatment resistent" depressed people, I think I've tried about 13 different meds, several natural supplements, and self help books. Nothing seems to help.
  7. Absolutely! I spent $25 on Amazon just yesterday on self help books (Mindful way Through Depression and Mindful Way Through Anxiety) in a desperate attempt to try to find a way to focus on something, ANYTHING else other than my depression, anxiety, and all things that could go wrong. My son's only 11 and I go into a panic just thinking about when he is finally old enough to get his driver's license! I wake up every morning (and several times during the night) and the anxiety and depression hits me immediately like a slap in the face and stays there until I fall asleep at night and start the whole vicious cycle over again.
  8. When I get more depressed, I feel achy all over and a little nauseated and my headaches get worse. I have chronic pain syndrome and everything seems a little more flared up when I'm really depressed. Or maybe I get more depressed because I feel like crap.....hard to tell.
  9. Hi Richard, What a great topic! I can relate to not having any "real" friends. My son and I moved back to our hometown after 2 years away and all my old friends are married with children and have jobs (I'm on disability due to a serious illness in 2008). I have my son who prefers his video games (he's 11, who can blame him) and my dog whom I walk every day regardless of the weather but it still feels pretty alone and isolating. I spend a lot of time on this forum where I've met many friends who understand my illness and don't judge. I hope you make lots of friends here, consider me one of them!
  10. Hi Maryam and welcome! I'm also a single mom of an 11-year-old and it can be a real challenge at times, I know! And I also feel at times that I can't seem to do anything right but luckily, my son's easy to please. If he could have frozen pizza for supper every night, he'd be in Heaven. Depression can play games with our minds. I don't know if you've actually been diagnosed or not or if you're just going through a down time but try not to hard on yourself, nobody's perfect. And if you need to vent, you've definetly come to the right place. I found this forum to be a great solace to me in the months since I've joined. Make yourself at home and vent all you want!
  11. I would fall in love...I've been in love before and vaguely remember the warm, happy feeling I had before depression took over and left me numb and in pain and incapable to feel romantic love. I've been single for a very long time so it's been a while and I do feel love, I have an 11-year-old son and I love my family and my dog, but I'm talking about the gut-wrenching, palm-sweating, heart-throbbing love that leaves you feeling giddy with happiness and just waiting til you can see that special someone again. I believe if I could crawl out from under this cloud, meet the right person, I could fall in love again...but right now it seems impossible.
  12. Good for you, both getting off the drugs and going back to work! So much of what you wrote sounds so familiar, I do the "why me?" thing all the time! And I feel the same way, how can I ever find love if I feel this way, who'd want me with all my emotional baggage? You have definite come to the right place. I've found great comfort in this forum. Don't give up. There are brighter days ahead for all of us....there has to be.
  13. Hi Mike, I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm 46 and worked 11 years in a factory until a car accident caused permanent back injury that I couldn't handle the repetitive work. So I went back to school at 30 and became a medical transcriptionist until 2008 when a near fatal case of Legionnaire's left me with permanent neurological damage both physically and mentally and was diagnosed "unqualified for gainful employment" by the disability doctors and have been on disability ever since. Most people, even my own siblings, think I'm faking (like you can fool the disability office) and just to lazy to work. It's hard after working all your life to be home every day and not feel like a contributing member of society. I also am on mirtazipine 45 mg every night. I can't give you suggestions on whether or not you should skip your medication, I think you should talk that over with your doctor. Mine made me extremetly groggy at first but now it doesn't even phase me and I take it early in the evening to get more effects from it. I'm also on clonazepam for anxiety and sleep. I'm glad you found this forum, it has been a big help to me. Welcome.
  14. I know how you feel, some days I don't know if I'm in more pain because I'm depressed or if I'm depressed because my pain is worse. It's a vicious circle. I try to walk a little every day even if it means bundling up like an eskimo (I have a dog who doesn't CARE if it's snowing, blowing and freezing out). I suffer with chronic back pain from a car accident and chronic headaches and nerve pain from neurological damage I got from Legionnaires. It's really hard not to get a "why me?" attitude sometimes even though I know in my head there are others much worse off, my heart doesn't feel it.
  15. I recommend the book, "The Mood Cure", you can get it on Amazon cheap. It has great info on different types of depression and supplements and vitamins that help each. I've tried L-theanine (which I still take because I think it helps my chronic insomnia some), L-tryptophan (still take at night), 5-htp, SAM-e (upset my stomach and didn't seem to help). Right now I take a DLPA in the morning and mid morning and 5-htp along with B complex, Omega 3, a multivitamin, D, and kava kava and tryptophan at night to help me sleep. Please be careful even with supplements and regular ADs as they can have side effects. One I would recommend (that I forgot to mention) for loss of energy is an L-tyrosine in the morning. I just started that one today and instead of going back to sleep after getting my son off to school, I went out and shoveled my driveway and sidewalks. Good luck!
  16. If possible, I would contact a therapist to find out if it's life or your past or the changes in season that makes you sad. I'm the same way, I used to be the life of the party in my younger years. Now I'm a hermit in the winter (other than shoveling snow, which I just got done doing and it ain't done yet!). I saw a T-shirt years ago just after getting out of the hospital after a near fatal car accident that read, "Where There's Life, There's Hope". I try to hold onto that on my darkest days and the hope that things will not always seem this bleak and dark and they will get better. Don't give up and I hope you'll find as much comfort as I have here.
  17. If you're anywhere near my part of the state, you may get your wish! Looks like a winter weather advisery is in effect starting tonight. My son's already hoping for no school.....
  18. Hi Vjoy, I'm also on the list of dealing with chronic pain (car accident in 1993, Legionnaire's in 2008) and I'm 46. It has a lot to do with why I'm depressed, I'm sure. You've come to the right place though, I hope you'll make yourself right at home.
  19. Hey AquaViolet, I see you're from Minnesota too. Is it really warm in your part of the state today? It's supposed to hit almost 50 where I am today, may set records for this time of year. I took my dog for a long walk and should go back outside because we know it won't last!
  20. Hang in there Greg, I, too, have the feeling that I'm going to jump out of my skin. I'm on clonazepam .5 mg 4 times a day but have to take 2 at night to fall asleep, take one first thing in the morning so that only leaves me one for the whole rest of the day. I just got back from a long walk with my dog (it's almost 50 degrees here in Minnesota IN JANUARY, can you believe it?) but that only helped for a little while. I've been trying some natural supplements I read about in the book, "The Mood Cure" and sometimes popping a GABA or L-theanine will help a little. I hinted to my doctor that I could use another dose of clonazepam added to my day but she won't do it because of the addictive qualities. One thing I've found about benzos though is if you take to many of them, the depression really escalates when they wear off so I don't want to HAVE to take anymore, in fact, I wish I could take less. I guess that's why I'm trying the natural supplements, although they can cause problems too so be careful. I highly recommend "The Mood Cure" as a book to read because I was amazed at how well it described my symptoms. Unfortunately so far none of the supplements have been a miracle cure yet but some of them do help a little. Check with your doctor though, even the naturals can have side effects.
  21. It's 10 days into the new year and I can't seem to motivate myself to take down my tree (don't worry, it's artificial so it's not a fire hazard) or put the rest of my Christmas decorations away. I walk through the rooms and grab stuff off the wall and throw it in a pile and today I managed to bring in the ornament boxes out of the garage but can't get the motivation to start putting stuff away. Everything seems so overwhelming I try to do a little at a time. At this rate, I should be done just in time to put it back up again after Thanksgiving!
  22. Guilt is a big part of depression, it rears its ugly head even when there's nothing to feel guilty about. I have the same problem. I feel guilty about being depressed and not being the happy mom my son deserves even though I do my best to act as "normal" as possible when he's around. I just tell myself that it's all part of the illness and I'm doing the best I can because I sure didn't choose to feel this way.
  23. I throw on my bathrobe, fix a cup of coffee (luv my Keurig) and take the dog out the side door of the garage (so no one sees me in my jammies) and let her do her job while I drink my coffee and smoke my morning cigarette (bad habit, I know). Then I get my 11-year-old son up (if he hasn't already snuck out of bed to play his x-box) and get him off to school.
  24. I live just one block off main street in our small town, two blocks from the high school and what I hate is teenagers who drive by my house with their car stereos so loud that the bass rattles my windows. I don't know why the cop in our town doesn't pull these kids over and give them a ticket! I also hate the ringing of the phone. I gave up my home phone years ago and rely soley on my cell and even that makes me jump out of my skin (I keep it on vibrate a lot) but when I visit my dad, he's hard of hearing and has several phones in his house set at the loudest setting. It especially gets me if I'm sleeping!
  25. Hi AquaViolet, I can relate totally, there are days when I can't remember when I laughed last. It's so infrequent that when I do actually find something funny, laughing feels almost unatural. I agree with the last poster who said try YouTube. Two comedians who can make me laugh are Jeff Dunham, he's an awesome ventrilaquist who has some hilarious, if not slightly off color, bits. Also, Larry the Cable Guy. I remember the first time I heard him, I was really down in the dumps after losing a good friend to a car accident. A friend of mine picked me up in her car and we were going to see widower of the friend who died who was also a good friend and she put in Larry in the CD player and within 5 minutes I had tears running down my face, this time from laughter and not grief. It's hard to laugh when you feel so crappy, I know. But I hope you can find some humor somewhere. I'm glad your daughter can help. I have an 11-year-old son who can be quite amusing too!
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