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Everything posted by taysmom1016

  1. In the short term I look forward to tomorrow hoping it will be a nice day and I will feel well enough to enjoy it by walking my dog, working outside, etc. I look forward to weekends when I can go see my family and do some shopping (I'm a woman, shopping almost ALWAYS
  2. I'm not sure why you did what you did but the fact that you're still here means you're SUPPOSED to be here. Please reach out for professional help so you can realize that life is a gift to be treasured, even if it doesn't seem that way sometimes (and we all feel that way or we wouldn't need this forum!). I'm glad you're still here and please keep us up to date with your progress.
  3. My depression seems to be treatment resistant since I have been on more than a dozen ADs and still struggle. I cope because I have to, I have a little boy who needs me. And in spite of everything, I still have hope that one day I will find a treatment that helps or the light switch in my brain that flipped over to majorly depressed flips back soon. I have dealt with depression on and off most of my life, but never this bad. I'm not sure what caused this lated episode, I can only hope it goes away as fast as it came on. In the meantime, I get out of bed, get my son off to school, walk my dog every day, spend weekends with my family, shop, do anything I can to keep my mind occupied. Some days I think I can actually get a glimpse into a brighter future, but then it goes away. I'm hoping some day it will stay. Life's a gift, I know that....I just can't FEEL that at the moment. I'm far past being a student but I did drop out when I was 16. Eventually I went back and got my GED and on later to college for 2 years so don't give up, I was 38 the last time I was a student, it's never too late.
  4. Roberr, If you click on forums at the top of the main page and scroll down, you will see different medication topics and I think Cymbalta's in there somewhere, You can sift through those and see if you can find any answers to your questions or post (maybe a moderator could move your original post for you) again and see if someone who is on that medication can help you. I don't have a lot of experience with that particular medication, I took it briefly several years ago but I don't think it helped me much, just made me feel numb (which I guess isn't always a bad thing!). Good luck, and welcome to the forums!
  5. Twitchy1, Welcome to the forum! I'm so glad that you are going to try the hospital treatment and I hope it works for you. I can relate to having the depression without reason. I have a beautiful son, a nice house, good family life, etc. My only downfall is that I can't work and I'm on disability from a serious illness in 2008 and that's a major downer for me. I don't think depression always needs a reason to rear its ugly head, it just has to make itself known. Good luck and keep us posted on how hospital program goes.
  6. I have spent a fortune on Amazon trying these supplements. I still take L-theanine because I think it helps calm me a little, and Omega 3, and I take L-tryptophan and Kava Kava, occasionally valerian root at night that helps me sleep, sometimes, but not all the time. I have tried 5-htp, L-tyrosine, SAM-e, St. John's Wort, Holy Basil, ashwaganda, jiaogulan, GABA, (see, I told you I've spent a fortune) and sometimes I actually feel like they help but other times, I'm still as depressed and anxious as usual. I do have one combo, 2 valerian root and 1 GABA, that I take on some afternoons when my anxiety is kicking up and I stretch out to watch TV and the next thing I know, I'm waking up from a short nap (that's a gift for me, I have real problems sleeping). I would recommend talking to your pdoc about them and do what mine told me....try them one at a time, see if one works, try another. DON'T try all of them at once as there is danger of seritonin syndrome if you're on an AD. They do help some people, and I think have had some minimal effect on me, but please just be careful. L-theanine is great if you like drinking coffee but want to counter act the effects of the caffiene. They even have a low dose chewable I give my son when he has his court ordered overnights with his dad (he suffers severe seperation anxiety from me). One I like is Calm Plex because it has a few other amino acids that help me sleep so I take that one at night.. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Again, talk to your doctor, I'm no professional, just a profesional spender.
  7. Alexandru, I'm sorry for what you are going through and you've come to the right place to talk about it. I just wanted to let you know that I have been in the hospital several times and every time I was amazed at how wonderful and caring the nurses and everyone was. I felt very welcome and cared for and they did everything they could to make me comfortable. I was scared too, my first hospitalziation was at 28 after a serious car accident, then at 35 when I had my son, again at 42 for Legionnaire's disease (the worst, I was critically ill but those wonderful doctors saved my life) and again just last year for stomach problems and tests. It was actually a time I could relax and let everyone take care of me and not worry about things for a while. If your doctor thinks this is a good idea, then I think you should go for it. Hospitals aren't scary, just the idea of them is. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  8. If writing helps, please, by all means, write, write, WRITE! You not only have the right to be here for help and support, you are welcomed with open arms by everyone! I'm scared too, I think most of us are, because we don't know what tomorrow will bring but who knows, it may bring sunshine and hope and relief from this illness even if it's only for a short time. Then maybe the next time will be longer. We can't give up because if we do, the depression wins, and we can't give it that power. Please hang in there, and hang in here, we're all here for ya.
  9. I think they call it being a Mom! My only child, my son, is only 11 and I'm a single mom. I already go into panic attacks when I think of him driving, getting in with the wrong crowd and going to parties, moving away..... So don't feel bad, you are not alone, and you are NOT old (I'm 47 next month!). I try to tell myself that I'm not losing my baby, we still have lots to look forward to like their weddings, GRANDBABIES!!!! I'm sure it will be tough at first, and we never stop worrying about them, but they still have so many joys and firsts to bring us. We just have to get through the hard parts to get to the good parts! Now if I can just convince myself.....
  10. I'm a smoker too, and the sad part is I had Legionnaire's disease in 2008 which almost killed me and they said I probably got it because smoking compromised my lungs. I quit for almost 2 years then had some issues with my son's father trying to gain half custody after ignoring his son for 9 years because I had the AUDACITY to ask for one and only one ever raise in child support after my illness because I couldn't work. Anyway, even though I knew he wouldn't win half custody, just the thought of someone trying to take my kid away made me say, THAT'S IT! and down to the gas station I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. Then about a year ago I had a relapse into this current state of depression and anxiety and my doctor too, said trying to quit right now probably isn't a good idea. But I think of my son visiting me in the hospital when I was sick (I was in a coma on a respirator) and I promised he'd never have to see me like that again so I do feel guilty about the smoking. Fortunately since I don't smoke in my house or around my kid, and it's cold outside, I don't smoke very much, maybe a half pack a day at most. I'm hoping that if/when I ever get this depression/anxiety under control again I'll be able to find the strength to quit. Right now, it's just not an option in my mental state.
  11. That might actually be a good idea for a new forum, maybe the moderaters could make one up, "Strange Dreams" where people could go to share the weird dreams they had. I notice that when my depression and anxiety peek, my dreams get weird and sometimes very scary. Just last night I dreamed I was trying to get to a friend who was about to fall off a cliff into the water and in my path was an alligator I had to kick out of the way....weird. Maybe if there is any stock in dreams being messages, it was life's way of telling me that I can concur anything, even alligators, by kicking them out of the way! But please, PLEASE don't think that a dream is telling you to harm yourself. Dreams are just our subconscious getting out thoughts in our sleep, not messages telling what to do. Hopefully tonight you will have pleasant dreams, as I notice when I actually do have a good dream, I wake up feeling good, if only for a little while. That doesn't happen very often so I savor the dreams when I have them. Good luck to you.
  12. Wow, that's scary, I was about to say that exact same thing, onmyown! Numb IS better than hurting! I think it's a step in the right direction towards feeling ok, then good. I sat down at my computer today and logged onto this forum because I was having a particularly bad day. Yesterday was 60 and sunny (in Minnesota in March, that's a GIFT) and today, while still warm, is gloomy and windy and my walk with my dog was short, my mood dark, my energy sapped. After reading and replying to several posts, I am feeling much better, if not great, at least numb. I'll take it! Struggling, stick with this forum if you need to talk. It helps having a group, very large group, of people who not only understand what you're going through but are going through similar situations. While I don't wish these feelings or this illness upon anybody, I take great comfort in knowing I'm not alone and hopefully you will to.
  13. Darksidegirl, PLEASE don't say you are very old, I'm going to be 47 next month, LOL!!!! Add me to the group of the aging and fear of getting old. I sometimes wonder if "the change" or menopause isn't coming on and adding to my sudden change in moods (this recent bout started about a year ago). I know what you mean about the fear of life changing too, I lost my mom a few years ago and my dad, although very strong and active, is 85 and I live in fear and worry about losing him every day. I also have an 11-year-old son who is my world and reason for living and I'm already dreading him getting his driver's license! I look around though and see my friends getting older and wonder why no one else is as depressed as me and I envy them and anyone who ISN'T depressed. Hopefully we will all find relief soon. In the meantime.....here we are and thank goodness for this forum!
  14. Welcome to our forum, Alex! It is amazing how many new people I see here every day. It saddens me that so many suffer from this illness but I'm glad we have a place to come and talk about it! I'm on mirtazipine too (I'm 46) and some days I think it's helping, other's I'm not so sure. You're going through a rough time right now, like when my mom died a few years ago. My pdoc said there wasn't an antidepressant in the world tough enough to ease that pain but time helps and hopefully it will help you too. I've been through a divorce, a breakup from another long-term relationship, and the abandoment of my son's father when I got pregnant. It all hurts like crazy for a while but it does get better. If your not sure your meds are working, talk to your doctor about maybe changing or adding something. And come here and vent all you want, I do! Good luck!
  15. Hi Hawkman (luv your name, by the way!) Depression SUCKS! I must say that out loud and to my self a hundred times a day! It saps you of your energy, you happiness, positivity, ability to enjoy life for the gift it is.....but I assure you, you are NOT worthless! It's the illness that makes us feel that way. It sounds like your wife loves you so there must be something worth loving. Please seek the help of a professional if you haven't already done so, medication and therapy can work miracles. In the meantime, feel free to come here and vent, lurk, or kick in and speak up whenever you feel like it. It's a wonderful forum and I'm so glad I found it, and I'm glad you joined us too!
  16. I have also experienced panic attacks when asked to be in weddings so when my best friend got married a few years ago, I asked my doctor for a temporary prescription for a few Xanax so I wouldn't pass out at the altar. It helped me get through the wedding. Just a suggestion.
  17. I think you should discuss all your concerns with your doctor and I definitely don't think you are being silly at all. I'm single (at 46) and I've been in an abusive marriage, cheated on by another long term relationship, and the father of my child completely deserted me and my son when I got pregnant until I went for a raise in child support and then he tried to get half custody to get out of paying (he gets him once a week during which time he ignores him completely). I haven't trusted anyone in years and also fear rejection even if I did meet someone I thought I could care about, and my son has a friend who has a single dad (who has custody) who seems like the nicest guy in the world and a wonderful father but I'm afraid to even flirt with him for fear of being rejected. It does add to my anxiety, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life (my son will eventually move out). So don't feel bad, you're not alone. And I'm glad things are getting better for you, it does take time. I hope they continue to improve.
  18. Dear Cait3202, You sound a lot like me (except that I don't have a husband who is a marine, God bless him, by the way). I am a CONSTANT worrier! I have an 11-year-old son and I'm already having anxiety attacks when I think of the day he gets his driver's license. I worry when he's with his dad (his dad isn't the most attentive father, understatement of the year) and I worry about my father who is 85 and lives alone. I wake up at night in a panic and worry all day. I'm trying to read self help books to try to control my thoughts but I can't concentrate on them long enough to get anything out of them. I'm on an anti-anxiety medication and have tried herbal supplements but I can't stop no matter how hard I try. So know that you are not alone, if that's any comfort, and coming here is a great place to start. Feel free to vent anytime or just read other posts and you'll find there are a lot of us worriers out here. Good luck to you and your family, I will say a prayer that your husband does not get deployed.
  19. Hi and welcome, I'm a single mom too with PTSD, major depression and anxiety disorder so I know it can be both helpful and challenging raising a child on your own with our problems. I do know my son gives me a reason to get out of bed each and every day! I hope you'll feel welcome here and find this forum as helpful as I have.
  20. Wow, I could have written this post. I wake up the same way every day, scared, panicked and nauseous. I have to talk myself down, breath deeply and tell myself that this feeling will pass. I hope you will seek help from a professional because whether it be therapy or medication, there is help out there. In the meantime, I hope you will make yourself at home here on the forum as I find coming here helps a lot, sometimes just to read, sometimes to reach out and try to help someone else. Now you do have someone you can talk to about how you are feeling...us.
  21. Hi Cerridwen... I, too, suffer from major depression and PTSD. I know what it's like, not wanting to die but not knowing how to go on with life feeling this way. I have a little boy that gets my butt out of bed every day and makes my life worthwhile. I was on Prozac 2 different times but it stopped working. Now I take mirtazipine and clonazepam for anxiety and depression. I don't feel it's helping much, although I will admit I feel better than I did a year ago (supposedly a hospitalization for stomach related tests triggered a PTSD episode I've been dealing with ever since, long story). I like and agree with what Marbo said, I hope we all have a good day today because that's all we can do is take one day at a time (sometimes one hour, one minute). I hope you have good luck with the Zoloft and find relief soon. I know things can seem really bad at times but there's always hope. Where there's life, there's hope. Welcome to our family here!
  22. Emily92, Any change is scary and bound to cause anxiety and moving out is a major change but I think it could be a good one for you. Living alone doesn't mean you have to be alone all the time, you can still visit your mom and friends and who knows, you might find you like entertaining in your new place. Life is scary but once you take the next step, you may be surprised how much you enjoy it. Finding the perfect house is awesome, you get to decorate and furnish to your taste (I'm a huge fan of the home decorating channels and shows as I just bought my first place a little over a year ago) and even stopping at the store to pick up a scented candle to match my master bathroom can cheer me up. Good luck to you with whatever you choose and keep us posted.
  23. leciel, A lot of what you said sounds so familiar! After a 5 day coma due to a life threatening illness, I too am afraid to sleep at night. Some nights I can relax and fall asleep but I wake every 1-2 hours. I do a lot of breathing and relaxation exercises. I also find taking valerian root can be calming and I recently bought a IMAK sleep mask which is filled with little beads that are cool and comforting (great for me because I also suffer from chronic headaches and migraines). I also know that sometimes nothing helps. After a traumatic incident (I also totaled my car on Memorial Day with no serious injuries, had another car accident (passenger) in 1993 that left me critical, then to top it off the Legionnaires pneumonia in 2008 that I just barely survived) it's just impossible to shut your brain up at night and keep the scary thoughts away. But please don't give up. I believe where there's life, there's hope and since we're all still here, there's hope for all of us. PTSD, depression and anxiety all suck but if they can cure cancer, maybe some day they'll find a magic cure or treatment for us too! Please hang in there and hang out here as I have found this forum very therapeutic.
  24. Hi Bobbijoes55! I'm 46 and female and have also suffered from depression for years with a major flare for the past year or so. I'm glad to hear that you are a "recovering" alcoholic as I know from experience that alcohol is a depressant and only makes things worse in the long run. You'll find lots of wonderful people here, as I have. It's a good place to be yourself and not worry about anyone judging you. I hope you find comfort here. Welcome.
  25. (((lostjaybee))) I am sorry to hear of your loss due to your illness. I have a little boy (single mom) and part of the reason I don't share my feelings of depression with my friends or family is my fear that his dad would use it against me even though my son is in no way neglected or abused. It's my biggest fear so my heart breaks for you. I hope you can find some help in coming to terms with your illness and that things look up for you soon.
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