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Everything posted by taysmom1016

  1. Scumble, Welcome to DF. I have a son with ADHD so I know it's real and it can be really challenging. I'm glad you found us though, it's a great place to come and vent your feelings when you are anxious or depressed or just feel like talking. I look forward to hearing from you.
  2. LonelyAndLost, I'm glad you're still here, it means you are MEANT to be here! Every day brings hope of recovery and even a little light at the end of a dark tunnel. I'm not sure about your question on bupropion, I would check under the medication forums, surf through there and see if anyone has the same question or post again. Good luck to you, I hope things look up for you soon! http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/forum/56-wellbutrin-also-marketed-as-zyban-bupropion/
  3. I hate mornings too. I don't wake up crying, but I wake up in a panic and heart racing in fear every morning. I'm not sure if I'm having a nightmare or just shocked back into consciousness. I lay and breathe, try to calm myself down, then go for my coffee (and smoke, bad girl, I know). It's something I look forward to in the morning so it helps me get up after waking up so harshly. I also take a clonazepam so after I get my son off to school, I try to mellow out with TV and relax until it kicks in.
  4. I suffer from physical and emotional pain but as far as the emotional pain, I guess I would describe it as a feeling of hopelessness, sadness, a weight on my chest so heavy it hurts to breathe. It causes anxiety and fear so bad that I'm afraid of everything, worry about everything, which takes the joy out of life for me which just makes me even sadder. Emotional pain, in a lot of ways, is worse for me than the physical (I have chronic back pain/shoulder pain from a car accident in 1993 and headaches and migraines, nerve and muscle pain from Legionnaires in 2008) because at least for the physical pain the medication almost always brings relief. I'm on medication for the emotional pain too but most of the time it doesn't feel like it's working.
  5. Katiebeth, Welcome to DF. It sounds like you have been through a lot and need a safe place to come and vent. This is a good place to do it, no one knows you and you can feel comfortable here as no one will judge. I know what you mean how easy it is to tell someone like myself that things will get better and you have people who love you, etc. but find it hard to believe myself. I offer advice all the time on this forum, try to help others, but wake up every morning wondering why my life is turning out this way and why I feel the way I do. But I get through the day, do what I have to do, walk the dog, take care of my son, house, yard, then come here when I run out of things to keep me from thinking. It helps, some days more than others, but it does help. And I hope you will find it helpful too. I'm glad you found this safe place to unburden.
  6. clinteastwood official, I'm glad you found this forum as it has been a great help to me and I hope it will be to you too. People are completely nonjudgmental and friendly and just want to help as much as be helped. I'm in the same boat as you, not really sure of the reason for my depression and anxiety, it just seemed to kick in one day in full force, though I've always suffered on and off with mild depression that was controlled my medication. You may be one who doesn't need a reason to feel the way you do, it could very well be a chemical imbalance (which is what I believe I have). I'm glad you have family and a girlfriend whom you love enough to want to fight for, please don't ever forget that. Every day is a new day and brings new hope. I would suggest talking to someone, even though you've tried medication in the past, maybe it wasn't the right one. Sometimes it takes a while to get it right (like most things in life, I find!). In the meantime, I hope you'll make yourself at home, browse the forums, talk if you feel like it. I'm sure you'll find a lot of people with similar situations. I look forward to hearing from you!
  7. I agree that sometimes the verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical. When I was with my ex, I was actually starting to believe my name had been changed to Fat Lazy B**** (and I was 135 lb, I only wish I was that "fat" again!). He controlled what I ate, who I saw, where I went...even the amount of time I spent with my family. I escaped that hell over 20 years ago but still have nightmares so I know it's something that's hard to get past. Like LibraryLady said, I'm glad to see you online too, I was getting worried!
  8. MJP529, Wow, considering all you have been through, it sounds like you are a very strong person to me. I'm glad Google brought you here (I found this forum the same way!). I'm sorry for all the losses in your life and for the car trouble, I'm all too familiar with that too, I'm afraid. But you haven't given up so that proves to me you are strong. Don't give up hope, sometimes hope is all we got but it can be very powerful to get us through, hope that tomorrow will be better, or the next day, or the next. It will, even if it doesn't seem like it now. In the meantime, this is a good place to hang out, vent, or even lend a kind word to someone who is in a similar situation. I look forward to hearing from you. Good luck with your car!
  9. First of all, let me say how sorry I am to hear about your son. I have an 11-year-old son myself and his dad tried to get half custody after ignoring him the first 9 years of his life, just because I asked for a raise in child support. I knew he wouldn't win but just the thought of him TRYING, well that was the day I started smoking again (just cigarettes). As for the supplements, I take L-theanine (the only side effect the pharmacist could find was counteracts the effects of caffiene, okay, not a bad thing) every morning. I also take L-tyrosine but find that one can be stimulating, to me, at least. I'm on Klonopin but when I don't want to take that but want to calm down, I find 2 valerian root capsules and 1 GABA can relax me to the point of dozing off (a huge thing for me as I cannot sleep more than an hour at a time at night and haven't for over a year). I also take L-trytophan and kava kava at night to help with sleep (and I need all the help I can get) with my ambien and clonazepam. I guess what I would recommend for calming that I've actually seen results with, would be the valerian root with GABA. Amazon has great prices but I've actually found the valerian root at the grocery store if you don't want to wait for delivery. Good luck, I hope this helps. Warning, the valerian root STINKS like a wet dog but if you can get it past your nose, it really does help.
  10. Abz, I don't know if this is an option for you, but can you get a dog? I was like you too, I used to look forward to the day, had lots of hobbies I enjoyed but when the last bout of depression hit, staying in bed and watching TV was my main activity (I do have a son I would get up and get off to school and fix supper for every night). The one thing that gets me out of bed, whether I want to or not, is my dog. I cheat first thing in the morning, fix a cup of coffee and let her out on the leash out the side of the garage but later in the morning, she won't have that. If I so much as BREATHE deep, she's bouncing up and down and running towards her leash and I have no CHOICE but to take her for a walk, rain or shine (or in Minnesota, SNOW). Some days it feels like a real chore to begin with, but I always end up feeling better and now that the weather is getting nicer every day, I look forward to the walks ALMOST as much as she does!
  11. Even BEFORE my relapse with depression and anxiety, I had panic attacks if I was asked to be in a wedding. I remember standing at the altar at one wedding in my bridesmaid gown (and it was a very small wedding) thinking I was going to pass out and embarrass myself, I couldn't breathe.....anyway, a couple years later my best friend asked me to be in her wedding and of course, I had to say yes. But this time I went to my doctor, explained my dilema, and got a small, temporary prescription for XANAX! It got me through the wedding no problem! I don't know if this is an option for you, but it helped me immensely. Good luck to you. I know how hard it is to be in a crowd when you suffer from anxiety, as I now do and have for the past year and a half or so.
  12. I'm glad too that you will be seeing your doctor and get a chance at professional help. It's weird how sometimes bad things, like your ulcer, can lead to good things. I guess that's why they say every cloud has a silver lining. I hope you will find the treatment you need to help you feel better. In the meantime, hanging out here helps me, I hope it helps you too. Keep us posted on how things are going!
  13. Welcome ladysavage, You are not a bad person, your a person with issues like all of us. Joining the forum is a good start, you can find lots of great help here. The fact that you are reaching out means you want to get better, I hope you will find help in counselling or maybe a doctor can help you with medications. I have a young son too, and some days I wonder if I would even bother getting out of bed if it weren't for him. Their love is unconditional so don't worry, you are NOT a bad mom. The fact that you want to get better for him says so. I hope you will make yourself at home here and meet lots of nice people with similiar problems who are all trying for the same thing you are, to find peace and relief from this darkness that has crept into our lives. Best wishes to you.
  14. I feel like that at night too. I think it's because that's when we're inactive and all the negative thoughts flood in and it's hard to stop them, ruminating, they call it. But there is always a chance. Where there's life, there's hope. Every day brings the possibility that this is the day that things WILL get better. It may not be today, or even tomorrow, but it's coming.....just don't give up. And welcome to the forum, this was definitely a good place to start, you will find everyone is wonderfully friendly and understanding here and most importantly, nonjudgemental. I hope the forum helps you as much as it has me. I look forward to hearing from you.
  15. I've been on 1.5 mg of Ambien for almost 4 years now since Legionnaire's left me in a 5 day coma and afraid to fall asleep. I haven't built up a tolerance, it still helps me fall asleep, but I can't STAY asleep for more than an hour at a time. I also take clonazepam .5 mg 4 times a day (2 at night to help sleep). I take melatonin also, along with some supplements like L-tryptophan and L-theanine which again, will help fall asleep but still awaken several times a night (kava kava is another good one). I think as long as the Ambien is working, it's okay to take long term. I don't think my doctor has any plans on taking me off of it. I'd be careful about "doctor shopping" though. I switched a few years ago after my doc retired and I didn't like my new one because he wanted to change everything (he was young) and I was accused of "looking for a doctor who will prescribe medications". After hearing my side of the story and how the other doc never took my personal situation into account (wanting me to drive 45 miles for physical therapy twice a week when I had a little boy in kindergarten, even though I'd tried PT about 10 times in the past), my new and current doctor LISTENED and understood and has been my doc ever since. And he's young enough that I don't have to worry about HIM retiring!
  16. Hi Sho Kai, welcome to the group (I love your name, btw!) This is a great place to come and meet people with similar stories and problems, no one judges and everyone is extremely friendly. It has been my port in the storm since I joined 6 months ago and I hope you find it helpful too. My suggestion is to search through the different forums, you'll be surprised how many times you'll say, "hey, that sounds just like me!" and pretty soon you'll be chiming in with helpful words of encouragement too which is very therapeutic, I find. Anyway, I hope you'll make yourself at home and I look forward to hearing more from you!
  17. Hi Hun, congrats on being pregnant! I just wanted to say that with meds there are always some risks but sometimes you have to weigh the risks against the benefits. I was on Prozac when I got pregnant, my OB said that he'd dealt with a lot of pregnant women on the med and never had any problems (I know a lot of legal late night commercials are saying otherwise, but I would believe a doctor over an ambulance-chasing lawyer). I stayed on the med and gave birth to a healthy baby boy who is now 11 and has no problems other than ADHD which I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I was on an antidepressant while pregnant. I commend you for wanting to do what is best for your baby, it shows that in spite of how you're feeling right now, you do care about him/her. Please talk it over with your doctor and find the route that's best for you and your baby. Good luck to you. I hope things work out. One thing to look forward to, the day my son was born was the happiest day of my life. Any depression I'd dealt with in the past went out the window that day! I wish for you the same happiness!
  18. You are definitely not alone with the morning thing. If you cruise through the forum, you'll see many people have posted with this problem and I'm one of them. I think part of it may be sleep is a way of escaping our illnesses for a little while and waking up is like crashing back into reality, at least that's how I feel, and reality isn't great right now. Hopefully someday soon we'll all start to feel normal again and sleep will be a restful place that we can wake up from calmly, looking forward to a brighter day. Good luck to you!
  19. I agree, I'm a smoker too and I know it's bad for me but when you're dealing with something like depression and anxiety, the cigarettes help ease the suffering and anxiety and until we can quit (which my own doctor said with all that I'm dealing with, I shouldn't worry about it right now), the cigarettes are like one of our meds. I quit for almost 2 years until battling with my son's father over child support sent me over the edge and down to the convenience store, then we were building our house which was stressful, then it was, "I'll quit when we move in" (I don't smoke in my new house, only in the garage), then after my latest relapse with depression and anxiety and dealing with PTSD, it's just not an option right now. Besides, what would I do when I wake up in a panic every hour all night long if I couldn't go out in my garage and have a smoke?
  20. I'm in this boat too. I have terrible insomnia, waking about every hour. When I finally get more than that towards morning out of sheer exhaustion, I wake in a PANIC every single morning, heart racing, body shaking (PTSD, post 5-day coma in 2008). I have to lay there for several minutes breathing, trying to calm myself and even after I get up and make my coffee and take the dog out, I'm still trying to calm myself down. It's the worst time of the day for me. I used to LOVE sleeping, napping whenever I could, waking up looking forward to the day....now I hate it because I know I'm going to keep waking up over and over again scared to death. My doctor thinks it's my minds way of trying to stop myself from getting into a deep sleep because I feel like I'm going into a coma again (I had some weird dreams in the coma and knew I wasn't just sleeping and couldn't wake myself up). I used to take cyproheptadine for nightmares and it actually help. They took me off after a stomach ailment landed me in the hospital trying to get me off as many of my meds as they could but then said my stomach problems were stress. It never occurred to me how much harder it got to sleep after I stopped it until recently. Now I'm going to call my pdoc and see if I can try it again and see if it will help.
  21. Bsummers, I'm on mirtazipine too and just recently went up in my dosage. It was weird, I felt really good for about 3-4 days, then okay, then had some down days, now I seem to be working back up again. It can take a while. I half my dosage, take half in the afternoon and half at bedtime, it seems to help. Don't feel bad about the anger thing, it was the thing that lead me to my doctor in the first place years ago thinking I might have depression. I still have fits of anger, especially at rude people (I was crossing in a pedestrian walk yesterday when I guy pulled up to the stop sign, stopped, then absent-mindedly drove almost hitting me like the stop sign was just a formaility, not there TO LET PEOPLE CROSS. I started waving my hands and calling him an ***** who shouldn't be allowed to drive, etc. then felt stupid because other people probably though I was the one that was nuts, not the guy ignoring stop signs... I have a son so I try to control it, especially now that I see how mad he gets at his video games, I'm afraid I'm rubbing off on him!
  22. I'm glad too that your taking steps forward instead of sitting and waiting for your appointments. It's so easy to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves when our mood gets dark, I'm guilty of it, I know. I like the suggestion of coffee or tea because that's like the first thing I look forward to in the morning. I have terrible insomnia, night terrors, sleep paralysis, wake in a panic, etc. and I try to calm myself down by saying okay, take a few deep breaths and you can get up and get your COFFEE (I have Keurig and I LOVE IT) and I fix my coffee, let my dog out of her kennel and take her outside (I stand in the garage in my bathrobe with my coffee and my cigarette, don't follow that last part, nasty habit, I know, but one of my guilty pleasures). Then I will try to accomplish things like getting my kid off to school, throw in a load of laundry or load the dishwasher, then walk the dog, yard work or housework, THEN I settle down on my computer and come visit my friends here and on Facebook and after I've caught up with everyone, I like to play Bingo on Facebook or visit Pogo.com for some fun free games. My computer can be a real comfort to be on bad days, thanks to this forum especially as I would NEVER post on facebook the things I do here!
  23. I did with my mirtazipine, about 2 weeks ago I went from 45 to 60 mg and the next day I felt better. I did for about 5 days, then had kind of a down period, but it seems to be working its way back up again. And talk about an appetite increase! The reason I was put on mirtazipine was because I lost 40 lb in 2 months (it's famous for the side effect of increased appetite and weight gain) and they couldn't find a medical reason so they wrote it off as stress (funny, I didn't feel stressed, anxious or depressed until after that, my doc thinks the hospital stay triggered the depression relapse since I had a long hospitalization in 2008). I've managed to maintain the weight gain to 20-25 pounds back but since my dosage was increased, so has my appetite so I'm glad the weather is getting nice so I can get outside and burn off the increased calories!
  24. Noah, I've read a few of your posts and I'm so glad you are feeling better! YouTube helps me out too, I love Jeff Dunham, the ventriliquist, and Larry the Cable Guy. On nice days I put my iPod on and tune in to some old time rock and roll or Metal ballads (my favs, Bon Jovi, Warrant, Skid Row, yes, I'm old) and take my dog for a long walk. At night I try to stick to funny TV shows (I don't even know if they have the same ones in Australia as we do in the US) like Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother as opposed to depressing cop shows or hospital shows. Starr, I agree with the puppies who don't have a care in the world except to love. Mine's like that too. We just got back from a walk (which means her barking at the kids on the playground) and now she's sleeping at my feet. She's so easy to please, unlike my son who would be LOST without his xBox....
  25. Debbie and Marbo, I hope you guys get out of this dark time soon, try to remember that it's only temporary. Every day brings hope for a brighter day and as cliche' as it sounds, sometimes it does have to get worse before it gets better. I have days like that too where it actually feels like I swallowed lead or something, the weight is so heavy in my gut and on my chest. I've had some brighter days recently and while I'm in no way "cured" or would consider myself in remission, I feel a lot better than I did a year ago, and slightly better than a month ago, a week ago, etc. and there was a time not too long ago when I thought I'd NEVER feel better than the hopeless pit I was in. I'm hoping one day the good days will outweigh the bad. The weather is warming up here now (well, it was, now it's only 40 today and very windy) and I've been spending a lot more time outside walking my dog, doing yardwork...I can't wait until I can start planting flowers but want to wait until I know the temps aren't going to drop below freezing at night! Baby steps....if one day at a time seems overwhelming, try one hour or one moment. And keep hanging out here, this forum has been my savior the past 6 months!
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