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About Michelle4871

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  1. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  2. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  3. okay, here goes... I'm an old timer that doesn't really post much anymore..... I came to DF in 2001, at wits end with my depression and TERRIFIED to start my meds (Wellbutin) shortly after my anxiety kicked in so I was prescribed ativan for the anxiety, and again, completely terrified to take my first pill. Lindsay ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) was my source of comfort. A constant source of my depression and anxiety was my constant need to have a man in my life. I was 30+, single, no prospects and rejected time and time again, in conjunction with my rocky relationship with my mother. Intense therapy and alot of looking deep within myself I made a very slow transition from the darkness of depression and anxiety, back into the light and the land of the living because I just never felt alive. The winter of 2003 I decided, no more AD's and no more ativan (although I still have a nice supply of it, if I ever need it - the ativan that is) and worked harder on my issues with my therapist - who I still see on a bi-weekly basis. Let's just say that after all this, my life has changed drastically in the past 24 months. I went from someone so depressed and dealing with crappy relationship after crappy relationship, to meeting the man of my dreams, getting engaged, buying a house and getting married, all in less than 2 years. I still feel very insecure sometimes like I can't believe this has really happened to me, and do I really deserve the good fortunes that have come into my life. That every now and then I have to ask my husband if all this really happened. My husband and I have been married now for 9 months. Please don't misunderstand, I am not saying that I am finally happy because I have fufilled my dream of being married. I worked HARD and it was only after I learned to accept me for myself and be happy with myself and LIKE myself that this man came into my life. I do feel a stronger sense of security now, but I think that just comes with the territory.
  4. I think art.chick hit the nail on the head here. I understand the need to live day to day and not about what the future holds down the long road... but sometimes you do need to think ahead. Instant gratification of happiness is not going to help and can cause deeper depression. I've been there... I spent the past 11 years of my life that way. Lots of therapy and hard work got me out of the endless cycle of bad relationships I was finding myself in. In the end, only you can help yourself.
  5. Sorry you feel this way.... Listen, I'm 35 and felt this way for a LONG time. I've had to learn the hard way enduring lots of heartache along the way that having someone in your life is only a mask for happiness. You should never rely on someone else to make you happy. Once you can truly be happy with who YOU are and HOW you are, then you can find true happiness with someone else. Like I said, I lived a long time feeling the way you do! And only when I finally learned that true happiness comes from ME... I was able to find THE ONE, and have been blissfully married now for 9 months!
  6. ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))) This was the core of my depression for years and years. Dating, dating dating and never getting anywhere. Meeting the wrong men, and being in co-dependant relationships that would end with no warning and for no reason. The men would just disappear. Then a little over 3 years ago, I decided I needed to change my way of thinking. I was soooooo insecure about relationships because I'd been hurt over and over again. At 32, I thought I was destined to be alone forever. So, I did some research and went on this retreat that changed my life (not known at the time). It helped me clear my head and kind of rewire my brain to not be so negative. I decided to take a break from the dating game and work on myself. Not long after (4 months) I met someone I never would have considered dating. And guess what? We've been together now just over 2 years and have been married for 6 months. By the way, I'm now 35!! Life can change in an instant. Try not to dwell on being single and allowing it to control your depression. Also remember, having a partner in life is also no cure for depression. I still have my depressive days. Meeting someone and getting married did not cure me. Are you seeing a therapist? Try to get involved in things that interest you and will put you in an enviroment to meeting someone. But learn to be okay with yourself first!!!!
  7. Einahpets - I feel the same way as you. I am recently married (5 1/2 months). All my past relationships had a direct hand in feeding the depression demon. Co-dependent relationship after Co-dependent relationship. I met this guy, so not my type (because he was a decent man and not a jackass) and I struggled with dating him. A good friend of mine (a fellow DFer) kept telling me, give it a go, give it a go, what do you have to lose? I was tired of being hurt over and over again. I gave him a chance, A year later we were engaged, 6 months later homeowners and three months after that, married. I still wake up some mornings waiting for that cliched other shoe to drop on me. It's hard to imagine and accept all the good things that have come into my life in such a short period of time. My advice - take it one day at a time, enjoy your wedding planning, enjoy your Fiancee and savor every minute of it.
  8. My husband and I did this a couple of years ago when we were dating. I'm scared of EVERYTHING, but the second I was around the dolphins, I was calm as calm can be. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
  9. Kels - I'm glad your getting something out of the book you are reading.
  10. Mel - how late in the day are you taking your WB now? Maybe you can take it at an earlier time. When I was on WB and on 300mgs, I took my first 150mg around 8:30-9:00 am, and then the second 150mg around 3:00. This way, it didn't effect my sleep.
  11. Topic: First date, best date in a long time?! < Next Oldest | Next Newest > KelsM Member Group: Member Posts: 231 Joined: July 2004 Posted: Oct. 16 2004,18:20 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went out with the girl I met on Sunday last night. She lives an hour and a half north, but she was interesting and interested enough to make the trip seem worth while. The first bit of the date, dinner and such was usual dating fare. Casual chatting and questions, with the occasional flirt or joke. We looked for something else to do afterwards at her place, but there were no interesting movies or shows playing. So we sat and talked, and listened to music in her room. I showed her my sketchbook, and she showed me a short story she wrote. We layed on her bed together and talked. I felt very comfortable talking with her, and we shared quite a few laughs. She poked me a few times jokingly. Eventually I took her hand and we lied there talking and holding hands for a bit longer. I needed to leave, though. I gave her a hug, and she didn't let me go without giving me a kiss, and touching my nose cutely with her finger. She recently got a part time job, on top of her full time school, and work credit job. But she said she was going to try and take time off to visit Seattle, the coming week that I'm taking off from work, anyway. This is the first time I've dated someone that I'm sure is as interested in me as I am them. She lives a ways away, but that could be a fantastic way to guage whether things are or will work or not. Plus, I still have space and time to spend working on myself, exploring my creativity, and maybe meeting and dating other people. I'll let you know how or if things progress. Edited by KelsM on Oct. 16 2004,18:22 -------------- my Myspace.com page Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fractalflower Member Group: Advanced Member Posts: 252 Joined: July 2004 Posted: Oct. 16 2004,19:01 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, well, well. The love juju works. *rushes to Pfizer to patent potion* Just when it seems like it's not going anywhere stuff happens. Aren't you glad you didn't give up? Best of luck. Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Muggle Member Group: Senior Member Posts: 425 Joined: July 2004 Posted: Oct. 18 2004,13:22 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Grats! I knew it would happen -------------- "Inch toward daylight. Never surrender."
  12. Topic: My fear, conditioning has made me different < Next Oldest | Next Newest > KelsM Member Group: Member Posts: 231 Joined: July 2004 Posted: Oct. 09 2004,17:02 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have developed quite the fear. It's only as powerful and painful as it is because I believe it. I think that because of my shyness and akwardness growing up has made the possibilities of having a relationship, or even simply dating is not possible, at least not as the person I am now. I can't get out of my head all the things I keep wishing I had, and try to get, that have always been a constant for some people. I can't get out of my mind my friend who said that he hasn't not been dating for more than a few weeks since he was 13. My other friend who said that he always used to get hit on by female friends after getting to know them. All of my friends who are in relationships, or have at least had one or two in their lives. I am 23, and I can't even imagine having a relationship, or just dating someone. I don't know how. I've gone out on dates before, they never go anywhere. Why are people so foreign to me? I finally got over most of my issues with friendship. I have many friends now, all different kinds of people. I finally live in a neighborhood where I am happy, and all of a sudden I have a social life. But sexuality just doesn't make sense to me. How can I not believe something is wrong with me? I've never felt simply accepted and desired. Love? I can't even fathom that. Just mild infatuation would make me happy. Am I doomed to be the nonsexual guy I have been? A good friend, a nice guy. A loner, solitary artist. It's just not fair. But pretending the fear is unwarrented, pretending I have nothing to worry about just leads to more dissapointment and frustration. Do I just resign to my place, and watch while everyone passes me by happy and oblivious? Why do I have to be this person? To quote a small, frustrated child, "it's not fair." -------------- my Myspace.com page Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- misfit Member Group: Junior Member Posts: 61 Joined: Sep. 2004 Posted: Oct. 09 2004,21:29 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know a lot of what you are feeling and have been meaning to post about a similar situation for a few weeks, but haven't been able to articulate what I have wanted to say into words. I have been angry because many of my friends are in relationships that take up all of their time and energy. They seem to live for thier significant others and it sickens me. I never had a boyfriend until I was 20. I am 27 now and have only had two real boyfriends. I feel like there is somthing wrong with me. I am extremely picking and I don't think I give everyone a chance. The problem is...I need a guy who is first of all very intelligent...not in a I-have-a-ph.d-in-physics-kind of intellect, but an artistic, worldly intellegence. I have to have attrachtion to, and I find combing the two is extremely difficult. It is simple...if I am not attracted I will not be and I will not want to have sex with them...and sorry but that's a pretty D*** important thing to me...I must admit. My friends who are always in relationships are not choosy like me, and from what I have learned about them, they have low self-esteem and need someone to validate them, so that is why they are ALWAYS in a relationship. I have only met a handful of guys who have ever really made me infatuated with them It takes someone extremely speacial for infatuation and love to happen with me. I do think sometimes there is something wrong with me. I wonder why the guys I want to like me never like me and all the losers do. I feel like maybe I am ugly or something, or annoying. The best thing is to ask your friends what they think of you when you are around people. If you can find some friends to give you constructive criticism it is really good because you learn about how you act and what maybe going on inside of your head that you arn't even aware of. I realize that I am extremely negative around guys, and I think subconsciously I say things and act in certain ways to drive them away because I don't think I am worty of any of them liking me because I was never liked growing up. I needed my friends to point my negativity out to me. I am also intimidating to a lot of me because I am strong, tall, and intelligent, and a lot of guys see that is a threat. Anyways..I don't know if I will ever find someone...it seems like it won't happen. I want it to. The world is a lot nicer when you are in love. It's like the French song "La vie en Rose" everything looks so much better when you are in love. ...but the thing is...when you are alone and bitter...everything is so much clearer...and I like my clearity too... Maybe there is a happy median? Misfit -------------- "You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may **** me with your hatefulness, but still, like air I'll rise" -Maya Angelou Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mirthless Member Group: Newbie Posts: 13 Joined: Aug. 2004 Posted: Oct. 12 2004,22:42 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You've done admirably well in your efforts to improve your social life in regard to friendships. I don't see why you should capitulate on the relationship front under the pretext of past failures; especially when you have presented valuable insights into several of the reasons behind your experiences. You lack self-confidence and subsequently suffer from an abundance of self-doubt. I doubt many will disagree when I say self-confidence plays a crucial role in forming an intimate relationship. Without it you will likely continue to linger in sexual and spiritual solitude. The answer to your troubles seems very clear to me: work on your self-confidence under a context outside of your negative history. Having a had similar experiences as yourself, as far as relationships go, I can speak for myself on that piece of advice. These days I find it difficult to detract women. Now I just need to muster up the courage to ask one of these girls out! If only we could trade our surpluses ... Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- alyce Member Group: Member Posts: 192 Joined: Sep. 2004 Posted: Oct. 13 2004,00:26 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you in this self-depreciating spiral?? You just went out with a real cute girl and got a phone number from another girl, what do you mean you can't simply date or have a relationship? Last I checked you ARE dating! No you don't have a steady relationship yet, but all good things come in time. You need to develop your patience. I realize that it is a very difficult thing to do in our "instant gratification" society. Your hormones are raging out of control again!! Do you have a chemical imbalance? I mean not to be rude or personal or anything, but you do have some drastic mood swinging action going on. You are such a kind and great guy all around, I hate to see you like this! If I were only 10 years younger, single and lived in your area...you are the type of guy a lot of women are looking for. You have to believe in yourself. I believe in you! Alyce -------------- The Great Integrity has given us three treasures to cherish: The first is love. The second is moderation. The third is humility. If you love you will be fearless. If you are moderate,you might always sense abundance in life If you live in humility, you will be widely trusted. -----Lao Tzu Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KelsM Member Group: Member Posts: 231 Joined: July 2004 Posted: Oct. 13 2004,20:38 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah, I know I keep swingin my mood all over the place. The real source of my mood swings goes like this: I get to thinkin about girls, and lonely (for contact), I am reminded of all the times I wanted to get close to someone, and was rejected, I get frustrated about not having any success, I think about friends that don't have any trouble getting close to girls like that, I get to thinking "what the heck is wrong with me??"... and it just keeps spiralling like that. I know I'm 'dating', it's just... yeah, I can make female friends, and meet new girls. I just want to touch and kiss them too! :P I honestly, really think that I just haven't been meeting the right girls. I meet girls that seem to like the type of guy I am not, and I for some reason get upset. Mainly cause I don't believe that there are girls out there looking for a guy like me. But that can't be true, can it? I need to branch out somehow, find those cute, sweet, geeky girls that have to be out there somewhere. Someone, somewhere has to be looking for an artsy, geeky, sweet guy. I just don't know any myself. Where are they hiding? -------------- my Myspace.com page Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mirthless Member Group: Newbie Posts: 13 Joined: Aug. 2004 Posted: Oct. 13 2004,21:50 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nip the problem at the bud and force your mind to follow a different course when you begin to daydreaming about girls. Rap an elastic band around your wrist, or a string around your finger - anything to put your mental plight in a physical context. When you feel those lonely pangs coming on, snap the band or twist the string. Get your mind out of pipe that eventually leads you into the gutter. Maybe the women you are approaching are having difficulties similar to your own. Who knows, maybe on another website there's one of the girls you met, spilling her guts all over a forum in a desperate attempt to find the answers to her relationship problems. Who knows. Trying to find rational cause behind their actions (or inactions) will likely drive a person in your state of mind towards angst, not valuable insight. Since you're so ready and willing to assign responsibility for your 'failures' to your own person, rather than to mitigating circumstances or the internal struggles of the apple-of-your-eye it's no wonder the blame always falls squarely on your shoulders. Sometimes there is not enough information to form a sound argument, and from that draw a reasonable conclusion. At least you're out there looking. Keep it up and keep the self-doubt down. Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- alyce Member Group: Member Posts: 192 Joined: Sep. 2004 Posted: Oct. 14 2004,00:33 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You need to relax and definitely stop obsessing unnecessarily! Mirthless has a good suggestion on the elastic band thing. It will at least get to recognize the pattern and maybe stop it from relapsing on you. You're a great guy!! I know a ton of girls that would love to date you. Yes, you're age too. Do you live near a college town? There are always interesting girls to meet in college towns. I used to meet a lot of guys in coffee shops. I met my current husband in a quiet bar. I don't really care for the busy ones. I used to go to them with friends, but mostly just because they were there not to pick up guys. I met up with a few friends at a local bar and he was there. I ended up sitting next to him and we started talking. I've met guys in libraries, in school, and at the grocery store. I had a guy pick me up while I was stuck in traffic. You just never know. She's out there man, keep looking. Good luck Alyce Edited by alyce on Oct. 14 2004,00:36 -------------- The Great Integrity has given us three treasures to cherish: The first is love. The second is moderation. The third is humility. If you love you will be fearless. If you are moderate,you might always sense abundance in life If you live in humility, you will be widely trusted. -----Lao Tzu Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- melpointy Member Group: Senior Member Posts: 518 Joined: Aug. 2004 Posted: Oct. 14 2004,06:02 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi I guess all I can really share is that I used to feel like you. I am 27 and I always dated these guys I never clicked with. Well 4 years ago I met my husband and It was like my heart melted. He was the one. I just knew it. Sometimes we just have to wait and the right person comes along when you least expect it. When you are happy with your life and have your interests down you let off a glow and others will see it. It seemed that way for me anyways. I hope Mr. Right does come along soon. Take care. Mel -------------- "We work hard at convincing ourselves that the world is the same way as it was as a child. We justify that our protective behavior is necessary because as kids we were wounded. The problem is that through this process we recreate the wounding." Van Joines Phd. Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- misfit Member Group: Junior Member Posts: 61 Joined: Sep. 2004 Posted: Oct. 15 2004,00:42 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am pretty much a female version of you...lol I have found the right people at points, though it is very hard. Not too many guys turn me on. I do wonder a lot of the time if somthing is wrong with me, but in all reality, I don't think there is. I just would rather be alone than be in a half xxxed relationship. I need interest and excitement in a relationship, so I have to find someone who can fit that.It is hard to find someone who meets all my criteria...I am not overly picky, but I know if it is going to work or if it isn't because I am very intuitive. I dunno...I am exhausted, I better shut up b4 I start to really not make sense. Anways, I pretty much think I know what you are feeling, I think people like us condition ourselves to not get hurt, and then we start analizing the s h i t out of ourselves to a point that we get really freaked out. Take it easy :hearts:Misfit -------------- "You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may **** me with your hatefulness, but still, like air I'll rise" -Maya Angelou Back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TrigunAngel Member Group: Newbie Posts: 23 Joined: Sep. 2004 Posted: Oct. 15 2004,05:52 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Try to ween yourself off of that shyness if you really want to be able to one day get married and have kids. You're still young, so no rush! Just try to slowly bring yourself to go on dates, keep your eye peeled for anyone that you might be able to get along with perfectly. But here's some advice.... Don't fall in love at first site! Date a few times before deciding that you like the person. One date isn't really going to cover it. I was the complete opposite growing up. I always had a boyfriend and if I didn't I was depressed. I felt like I needed a boyfriend to feel loved because my family always used me as a scapegoat whenever something went wrong and I was teased a lot in school for being "weird". But I got over a lot of those feelings and when I would have normally jumped onto the next person at the slightest problem, I tend to stick with someone and work out problems with them now. It just takes time and lessons to be learned to be able to do something you're used to. I might be younger than you by three years, but knowing that I am going to be starting a family in a few months is exciting and well worth pushing myself to get over my fears. If I hadn't of tried, I'd have moved back to my family the moment my ex broke up with me and I'd probably be working at a fast food joint hating life still(and probably still cutting, haven't done that in about four months now because of finding out I'm pregnant and with the support of my bf). Just take it one step at a time. Talk to women at first at public places, on the bus, in the bar, at the grocery store... Where ever. When you start to feel more comfortable, ask them out, unless they've already asked you out then take the chance! Don't feel too nervous, just consider it getting a new friend, or just getting to know someone new. Don't take it as a "Oh my God, a relationship!? I can't do this." Don't think too far ahead, it may not even turn into that. It might be that you're just getting a new friend is all. Continue to talk to that person if you think they're cool and maybe eventually you will grow more fond of them than just a friend. Good luck.
  13. mel - glad to hear you are starting to feel better! :)
  14. Honesty is the best policy. I wholeheartly believe that. Let him know that you just don't see a romantic relationship, but that you want to continue the friendship that you've had with eachother over the past few years. Be honest, yet gentle :)
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