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About Bubblehead

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  1. " Out of the blue and into the black They give you this, but you pay for that And once you're gone, you can never come back When you're out of the blue and into the black. "
  2. This sounds like some kind of obcessive problem. Aren't you autistic by any chance? Need for routine and regularity as well as profound stress from change. If that is the case you could probably get some advice from other autistic people who have been through it. I myself usually get relocation highs followed by depression when things stop being new and exciting and become routine. So I cannot advice you on particulars but I think that letting go of old before fully embracing the new is integral part of any transition. Give yourself some time and take it easy if possible. Have you talked about this with your girlfriend? EDIT: OH!!! It is old topic someone zombified!! Lol. Sorry.
  3. I have intimate experience with binge eating. What helps me is using online food ordering where your racio is afforded much more control than when you are carousing in market in person. Order only sensible quality food and cook yourself if possible. It is harder to overeat on food of substance. And even when you do it is not as bad as with chocolate and chips and whatnot.
  4. Quadrophenia - Ingenious work of art highly relevant to anyone who ever struggled with identity issues.
  5. That is what humans have been doing for millenia now - making up gods. And results are not exactly stellar. Frank Zappa famously said "reality is what it is and not what you want it to be" . If you create beliefs based on what you think you feel and what makes you feel better I think you are liable to crash sooner or later. Why not honestly examine what you know, see, feel and think and start there?
  6. Far be it from me to tell you what to do. On one side I think it is great that you are not dissuaded by his personal problems right off the bat, on other side be wary, he can drag you down if you are not careful. One thing you should do though is think long and hard abotu yourself and your motives and needs. Usually people who are drawn to people with issues are other people with issues. Worst thing you could do is go in blindly without being aware of these. All the best luck to you.
  7. Bit on upswing actually. Still kinnda bad, but passable. Profound bittersweet melancholy with some hope mixed in.
  8. More like "*****" than therapist based on what wrote. Frankly I would strongly recomend reporting her to whatever professional organisation has say in these things over where you are from. It must be especially harsh when you open yourself up expecting help and you get this. So sorry
  9. Quite frankly while the way you write about it tells me you have quite likely number of issues that need to be adressed. Whilst your husband should take your feelings into account still the strong reaction you are exhibiting is I think not healthy at all. Why are you so anxious about your husband enjoying looking at attractive girls? All straight men do. In relationship you promise to me faithful, not blind. He is with you by choice no? That should speak volumes in it's own right. Also how is depicting human body inherently immoral? I get how it might be pointless or in poor taste in concrete examples, but immoral?
  10. Exile on the main street is frickin' classic. Deeply human work of art
  11. I feel ya. I really do. It is hard not to feel like that at times. When you are shot down again and again. It feels like people are making it hard to get to know them on intention. I think it is good to remember that these emotions are not entirely accurate reflection of reality. And a bit of empathy might go a long way too. Girls are people too after all. Some time ago there was girl that was into me but I did not like her at all and I had to shoot her down. I could not imagine before how s***ty feeling it is to disappoint someone in this way. So just remember that quite often rejection situation is crappy deal for both sides. And well... In dating game girls hold all the cards usually. Nothing you can do about that. Just adapt to the reality of situation as it is.
  12. Quite honestly I think the only thing you can do with your fears is to face them. Else you will be controlled by them. I am terrified by deep water for example. Not quite bad as you but enough to make me struggle. I mean when you are in it and you just look into it and you cannot see bottom and you realise you could sink and drown or be crushed by the sheer pressure if it's deep enough. And you know what? I make it a point to do open water swimming. On bad day I swim where I can reach, on good days I can swim 20 meters from the shore. Sometimes I go where I can reach and just breath out and let my body sink down on the bottom and just chilling, listening to the sounds of water (I love feel of water, I am more afraid of the huge vastness you can get lost in). I might try freediving one of these days. Heck I even picked up winter swimming. In the season I swim reguraly in water that is between 10 and 0 degrees celsius. - Incidently best natural antidepressant I know of! So maybe you should make it a point to expose yourself to heighs on regular basis. Find the most you can tolerate without catastrofic failure and expose yourself to that. With time you should note your tolerance rising. So if you can with jsut barely managable anxiety for example stand on 4th floor balcony for 20 seconds - than good! Good enough for starters. As for short term. I am afraid there is nothing but what has alrady been proposed here and maybe anxiolitic drugs - which are addictive and in no way meant for regular use.
  13. Went out for a jog and swim in the lake. But I did not derive enjoyment from it like I used. to.... DId not overeat for first time in weeks today. It's something I guess.
  14. Thank you all for answering.As I had all assumptions about life crushed, any input I can mull over is appretiated. It's like I am not sure about anything at all anymore. Come to think of it. It has been constant in my life - the feeling that it is just too much to handle. That just making things work well in live is too insurmountable challange and just barely making do requires tremendous and exhausting effort. marius_trist: Seem extremely natural and intuitive thought to me. One that most of us accept in practice at least. From nazi leaders and their cyanide capsules to terminal patients in pain asking for euthanasia. Value of life is determined by what it brings and potential it holds. And I have been through multiple types of medication, years of psychotherapy and 6 weeks worth of voluntary stay at this therapy center. While I have learned much and understands things better. Nothing of it any actual makes difference - life still sucks. LostGee: Emotions are tough to handle and more often sabotaging than helpful, that's for sure. I have picked up playing go recently. Biggest appeal of it for me is that when I get right mindset (which is not as often as I would like) it is very calm place. Emotions don't come into it. Just calculating, determining value, insight and understanding of the board, seeing variations and possibilities and than chosing move based on those... It is probably only things in life I have I can derive any satisfaction from anymore. To your point. I really feel it is opposite. I based a lot of what I did to better my life on emotion of hope. But eventually reality sets in. Quite objectively past trends are best predictors of future trends and my life has been just so-so bareable for since I was 8. that's 18 years of constant misery. I have tried my best and it did exactly nothing. Losing weight, getting to uni. None of it actually matters if it fails to reach what I want in first place - genuinely satisfying life. It is all worse than uselles if you end up mirserable anyway. Than they are just things I have done. No different from twiddling thumbs. And my criteria for sucess is something that leads to increased level of satisfaction and hapiness in life - anything else is bullcrap. So even if I accept your premise and try to do something. Here is the deal. I don't know what. Everything I tried failed spectaculary. And I am just out of ideas. I mean, what is there left to try? I am starting to run out of ideas. And what you write about regarding making connection and being let down. That kindda happen already. It was crazy. This rally cool and pretty girl took liking to me and it sort of became mess of conflicting emotions. I never knew such intensity before. You are mirserable after 12 hours with no message and extatic after you get one. You know it is absurd and stupid and you cannot help it anyway. And when I actually met her it all just increased. And I could just tell somehow that she is hurt or damaged in some way as well. I could just smell it off her - (which is weird because I am usually totally dumb to all these clues and social stuff in genrea) - it only made attraction even more intensive - I was thinking "Finally, somone who would understand. Someone who would get it." And at the same time I was intimidated, she was just so awesome and super attractive and I just felt like I have not so much to offer to match that. Needless to say this very short, but super intensive episode ended with trauma I am not completely over yet. Also intelligence just makes life harder more than anything. :-P womanofthelight: The problem is. For me those emotions have always been superficial and fleeting. And below there was always this solid underlying bedrock of misery. It's just... Joy nearly always feels transitory, thing of the moment sliding over the surface. While pain feels like something deep and permanent, deeply entrenched.
  15. Disclaimer: Some light, possibly triggering suicide talk. It's long time since I posted here last. A lot has happened since than. I don't quite know where to begin. This whole thing got set off by problems with my sex/intimate life - or rather nonexistence of it. I am in second half of my 20s and I could still count number of physically intimate experiences of one kind or the other I had on fingers of one hand). As a teenager I was obese and only around 20 I lost over 50kg. Huge part of my motivation being desire to have intimate relations. After I got better looking and built up nerve to actually talk to girls I found out one thing. It is not easy thing at all to get laid, much less actually find relationship. It is frickin' hard. For me, apparently it is for all practical purposes frickin' impossible. No matter what I do it never works out. Emotions it brings out are difficult to say at least. Except obligatory rejection which I can deal with, with repetition feeling of incompetency and shame for it kinnda grows. General feeling of being left behind, unable to develop in this aspect is very bad too. But it is not just about that. That would be simplificating too much. I really tried to build up these last few years. Beside my dating attempts I moved to new city, signed on to prestige university, tried to set up business, I picked up new hobbies or two... But somehow. None of it makes any difference. The same pain that has always been there my whole stupid life is still there. Sometimes I almost forget about it for a while. Sometimes it burns intensly. And it is SO hard to get even the slightest piece of genuine satisfaction out of life. Why is that? I hate that. I tried so hard to build better life for myself. I gave it all I had and really believed in it. How come none of it made any difference? Some months ago I picked up "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" by Hunter S. Thompson - awesome book that deals a lot with hangover from dreams of whole 60s generation after the era ended. And at the end there is this brilliant passage: And it struck me. Words "permanent cripple" and "desperate assumption" just struck too close to home. It was around the time I started figuring that the whole dating thing is not just hard but basically impossible for me at least and that it doesn't matter how much effort I put in and what I do very much. And I just crashed out. The thing about hope is, it is like a bank loan for business venture. Eventually you have to get cash out of it to pay back what you borrowed. You cannot run on hope forefer. That is like borrowing money to pay debts and getting into spiral. You will go bust sooner or later. And I ran out. Pretty hard. I am not feeling particulary awful. There isn't much pain (not more than usually anyway). I just feel indifferent. Unmotivated. I pretty much stopped eating well and exercising having gained some weight back, just barely scraped through the last semester and I just don't have any motivation to do anything whatsover. I mean, they tell you that if you put in effort in live and persevere, you will succeed eventually. But maybe that is bullcrap - maybe life is not that simple. I have been thinking about suicide lately. Not in terms of really doing it anytime soon. But more like in terms "What if I wake up in one morning in few years and conclude that I had my fill." Because what is the point of life like this? They say a lot about "managing depression" and stuff. Well. I don't see existence as some kind of inherent value itself, at least not one as lousy as mine. What I value immensly is full, happy life. But is it at all possible for me to have that? I am not sure. The thought brings chills to my spine. I don't wanna go on "surviving" and "managing" just so I can suffer for few years more. Something has to happen. Maybe this makes sense some of you or maybe just ramblings. Either way, I needed to write it down at least. Get it out. Thanks for reading either way
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