sober4life

I don't drink anymore because my mind can't handle even one more time. If I drank today I would be next to mom in the cemetery by Halloween. If I ever choose to drink again I'm saying this is it. I'm done. There is no other way for things to go. I fully believe I have one more time drinking in me and that's it.

An inch of rain per hour today. Tomorrow there might be more tornadoes! The last time I swear the news guy said there were 8 tornadoes that day and he had the nerve to laugh after he said it. I would like to punch him. Other than that I'm all smiles.

I walked to the lake and back today. It's time to take the week break I talked about 50 times. I need to get myself to a point where I can actually sleep. I keep pushing myself and hurt too much to even get sleep. I hope I can start on these indoor machines on November 1st and start an indoor routine.

Oh no 3 bears? I know tenderheart and funshine are after me but who's the third bear?

The deer have become very tame here. They see me. They're looking right at me but they don't run. They're right in front of the porch right now. It feels good knowing they feel safe here.

Nobody can safely watch the news for too long without becoming a part of their group. They use the same tactics they use in cults. If you watch too long you get too sucked in and can't get away. You have to become one of them. Yep it's scary. My bipolar disorder started with Nintendo. I got it the first Christmas it was available. I very much believe this is a monster I've created and I keep going by continuing addictive behavior. I'm a real life landfill from beerfest. I fully believe I'm like this because I'm constantly overcorrecting things back and forth all day every day but I have no idea how to relax and let myself be calm and stable. There is no fixing me. I'm going to ride the rollercoaster until the end and maybe that's what I want to do. Rollercoasters are fun right?

We're just doing what we have to do to get through this time. When I was still drinking and doing drugs I would start when I first got up. I would remember the morning sometimes but the overall majority of my life was a blackout. I don't know that I know how to deal with things either. I've just been chasing whatever dragon my mind wants to chase at the time. My mind doesn't want to chase the alcohol and drug dragon anymore. That's the only real reason I'm sober. My mind doesn't want to do it anymore. I would love to say I have more coping skills now but really I don't have any idea how I'm going to make it through any day. Every morning makes me want to scream.

The Night House I thought it was very good. Should I have sat here alone in the dark and watched it? Nope. It messed with my head that's for sure.

Yeah it feels like we're in Mordor wasn't that the name where the sky is always dark in Lord of the Rings.

There's only one cat that comes around here on a regular basis and she always has a mean look on her face. I've tried to tame her but you can't. Nobody can.

The government has helped me with my paranoia though because I know they're not actually able to do anything. Do I think they can control the spin of the earth? I don't think most of them could even spin around the room without crashing through the living room window.

I did my Christmas shopping. I cried when I saw a love to hug Elmo doll. What a wimp but I'm not paying 25 dollars for it!

I don't think I've ever taken an antidepressant and nothing else. As far as antipsychotics risperdal and seroquel seem to be the 2 that really knock you out and put on massive amounts of weight. That's from my experience. Of course though if they are trying to make you not psychotic they are intending for these meds to calm you down. It affects people differently though. There's no for sure answer I can give you about this.

Yeah we see automatic time change as something convenient for us though. The world likes doing that giving us a good reason they're doing things while hiding the bad reason they're doing things. Oh well they had access to all of our phones we say. They made it easier for us.

I think time flies by during times like these because you don't really have much time to stop and think during these times. Every day is survival. When do I rest? When people see me posting here. Other than that I'm going full force in life just to keep my head above water in this life. I think time flies by when things are very good or very bad because of all the things that are there distracting us. Then of course there are the paranoid days when I think the government is able to speed up and slow down time for everyone.