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jackotheshadow

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    Michigan
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    Video games, books, bikes, some bass guitar/piano. Picking up the Ocarina. Rubik's cubes sprinkled in.

    "I used to understand happy, I know that I used to be happy; I was really happy. I'm unhappy now and I can't remember what it's like to be happy, I only remember..... I don't remember. .... I only remember being happy in comparison to not being happy, which is what I am now."

    "Je suis la nomade, qui marche la nuit, et qui attend le jour, et l'oubli."

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    jackotheshadow

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  1. To start things off, I'm a 25 year old male struggling with anxiety and depression. Separate from that, I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, and the relationships I have been in didn't last very long, so I'm pretty inexperienced. Currently being suicidal, it's difficult and counter-intuitive to meet new people and try to pursue any sort of deeper relationship. But, go figure, I'm really lonely and long to have a special someone in my life. I actually tried online dating before. I had an eHarmony account for awhile, but I think I only paid for it for a single month. I don't think I managed to have any communication with anybody. I got plenty of matches, but only because I set my location range to 'global'. I still don't know how much of the problem was with my profile, but one definite problem is that my introverted, anxious, socially-awkward nature prevented me from sending anybody a message. It's usually either fear of something, or straight up not knowing what to say that keeps me from reaching out. I don't really think that's changed, but there is a part of me that wants to try to get over that. One of my problems with dating in general is that there's so few people in my area. Draw a circle around me with a 100 mile radius, and there will be less than 200,000 people inside it. Having friends is hard enough when they're in my town; being limited to chatting online doesn't seem feasible. None of my friends know about my struggles. I'm very good at wearing a mask and being on autopilot when I hang out with people. I also deliberately keep my friendships fairly superficial, because they're so much easier that way. But I don't really see that working in the case of a girl with whom I want to be romantically involved. But revealing my deeper self to someone seems like a good way to **** any chances of it going further. I could probably manage to maintain my mask of happiness until we get closer and she would be less likely to stay, but that assumes I can get over all the other hurdles and actually start a relationship. So what do you think? Should I attempt it? I don't want to go through the trouble of creating an OkCupid profile and tailoring it if I'm only going to get a few matches, and I don't communicate with any of them, or if communication does happen but then it doesn't work out. I feel like my chances of success are astronomically small, but I haven't figured out anything else to do.
  2. I'm not really sure. It was years ago, but I think I was on CItalopram for a month or so. However long it was, the person writing the prescription decided it was enough time that I should have been feeling the effects, and since I wasn't, we moved on. I tried one or two others, but I don't know what they're called; I went through a list of drugs, and I recognize the name Buspar and Lorezepam, but I honestly don't know if I was ever on them or if I recognize the name from somewhere else. Sorry for the misunderstanding. The part where I talk about it only being suicidal ideation as a symptom of my depression was all part of the lies I said I'd have to tell my therapist. I'd be lying if I said I was depressed, I'd be lying if I said I don't have plans, I'd be lying if I said it's only suicidal ideation, etc. So that contradiction was a lack of clarity on my part.
  3. Summary: I'm pretty sure I want to be dead more than I've ever wanted anything, but I'm too pathetic to make it happen. If I'm stuck being alive, I may as well make it as nice as possible. Medication is supposed to help people feel better. It's never worked for me in the past, but I'm willing to give it another shot. Problem is, I don't feel depressed, so anti-depressants seem kind of silly. I also really don't want to deal with talking to a therapist and explaining my situation so that I can get a prescription. Do you have any advice about this? Read on for a massive amount of words. If you read it all you get a metaphorical cookie. I've been suicidal for years. I don't remember what it's like to not prefer death. I can't go anywhere without considering it as a suicide spot. I can't see any good reason to stay alive, as I firmly believe that existence is pointless, and also that pain is unavoidable. I hate how having fun and enjoying my time requires a trade-off of pain and suffering of some sort. I would much rather be dead. Problem is, I can't seem to do it. I've been pathetic for my entire life, and part of that is my non-ability to take control. My entire life, I've either had someone else set me up with what I need, or I stumble through it and get it by accident. I'm a college dropout, but I have a stable job that I didn't earn. It baffles me that my life didn't fall flat on its face years ago. Despite everything I've gotten so far, I have yet to decide what I want and then go get it. Such is suicide. To **** myself would be to step out of my routine, do something productive, and be responsible for a change in my life, and that's something I've never been able to do. Despite knowing of several methods and having plans, I haven't acted on any of it yet, because I've never done that before. I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm able to be here and ask for help now is because posting things anonymously on the internet is nothing new. Despite the content of this particular post, I'm still essentially doing something I understand and am familiar with. So here I am, feeling helpless. I've been stuck for years, and so, logically, if I can't step out of existence, then I may as well make the most of my time here. There's not a hell of a lot I can do to make every day life more bearable, but I've heard so many times that medication is the way to go. I've heard praises about how the right medication can completely change the chemical makeup of your brain, and how your outlook on life becomes completely different when you're on it. So maybe a good place to start is finding some anti-depressants. But here's another problem. I'm not depressed. Or, at least, I'm pretty sure I'm not. I used to be, sure, but by a series of accidents, I have friends again, I have more hobbies, I have fun. If it wasn't for my suicidal tendencies, I'd say I'm happy. If I didn't think "good life" is essentially an oxymoron, I'd say I have one. Except for being alive, things aren't too bad. I still have a moment or 4 every day where I wish I was dead, and maybe ruminate about how to make it happen, but it never turns into anything. Sometimes, those moments last for a couple hours, but that's not particularly often, and it's pretty indistinguishable from just being really tired or temporarily stressed out. So I don't think I'm depressed. That's why antidepressants seem silly. They can't remove what's not there. But, perhaps I just don't really understand how the drugs work, or maybe I'm just too dead-brained to be introspective enough to realize what's actually wrong with me, and so maybe there's plenty in my head that will be fixed by the right medication. I don't know. If you have any experience on this matter, I'd love to get some feedback. As it stands, I'm willing to try medication, but I just don't know where to start. I should talk to a therapist or doctor or whatever. They can assign prescriptions. The problem there is that I then have to explain everything. That's hard to do. I can manage it here, when I'm in the comfort of my own home, in a familiar setting, typing words on a screen to be read by random people who know nothing else about me. A doctor, on the other hand, would know my name, my address, other stuff, and probably has a legal obligation to let people know when someone wants to die as much as me. Stuff is usually confidential unless someone is considered "at-risk", and that might be what I am. I refuse to deal with the ensuing bulls*** of that. So, if I go talk to some sort of doctor, I feel like I'd need to lie a lot about how I'm depressed and feel like all the time, and yes, dying sounds pretty great, but no, I don't have plans and no, I don't think I'm going to go through with it because it's only suicidal ideation, which is a symptom of my depression. I could lie about all that. I'm generally pretty good at lying, so maybe it wouldn't be a problem. Unless I get a question I'm not prepared for, and then my inability to properly empathize would leave me unable to answer or explain something that a properly depressed person would know. So idk if talking to a doctor is a good idea. On top of that, it would just be a pain in the ass, and it would require a lot of work on my part to make it happen, and I'd be going out of my way, and I don't want to deal with it. So in a way, medication seems like not an option at all. But if I don't get medicated to stop regretting that I'm alive, then I don't really know what else to do. So if you think you have any advice to offer, or whatever, then please do. I'm very nearly grasping at straws. I think I would talk to a therapist or whoever if given some advice/encouragement, but as it stands, my social anxiety is likely to prevent it. tl;dr: want death, don't want help. Can't get death, need help. Having medication seems like a good idea, but getting medication seems like a bad idea. What do I do?
  4. I stopped attending college earlier this year, and I'm coming up on the end of my grace period. The company managing my direct loans has been in some communication with me (they sent me an email telling me what to do, and I'm in the process of applying online for an income-based repayment plan). However, I also have private student loans with Sallie Mae. They have not contacted me, and I don't really know what to do. I've looked on their website, but I can't find anything about repayment plans. I don't know if those loans are handled differently, or if their website is just so much worse than the one for my government loans. Anyway, after poking around long enough, I saw a status for my loans somewhere, and it says I'm still in school. I haven't been for nearly six months; I would have told them by now if there was some way to do so online, but I also figured they knew. I would call them and just talk to people until it gets figured out, but the thought freaks me out (anxiety). I think now that I am obligated to tell them I'm no longer in school, and I suppose I have to do it over the phone, but, what happens if I don't? Will they ever find out? What kind of trouble might I be in when they do? I've been consistently making payments on all my loans with them (mostly just negating the accrued interest, but more when I can afford it), and I would love to just keep doing that and not complicate things, but I also don't want them learning I haven't been in school and deciding I need to be paying a lot more which not only will really hurt my wallet, but maybe it will affect my credit score as well. I don't know. Do you have any advice? Do you happen to know anybody who's done this before and what happened to them? And while I'm here, does one company know anything about the other? If they ask about my income to know how much to lower my monthly payments, why don't they seem to also ask about other payments? If I only have $300/month of disposable income, but I'm already making payments on other student loans and also on medical payments, I can't actually afford $300 payments. But I haven't yet seen anything that suggests they know or care about other such payments. Is that something I would have to call them about and try to explain it? I don't know how this works. I really appreciate your input.
  5. If I have significant bills to repay, and I can't afford it, will it be ok if I just simply give the hospital what I can each month when I get the statement? I would really like to avoid trying to work out an actual repayment plan with them for various reasons which kind of boil down to them not understanding that the money I have is less than the money I make due to depression related things. If I talk to them to try to make them understand, they probably won't understand my situation and decide that I totally can afford a certain monthly payment each month, even though I won't be able to pull it off, and then they'll get p***** that I'm not paying them back to their standards and send debt collectors after me. But maybe if I just keep giving them money each month without saying anything to them, even if it's not a lot, they might just decide I'm doing what I can and keep sending me statements and otherwise leave me alone. Do you have any experience with this? Any advice for me? Thanks.
  6. I've always been aware that I've been relatively wealthy. Among most people I've known, I've actually had less-than-average funds, but in the world as a whole, I'm really rich. This isn't super relevant though, because I only bring this up because I'm babbling in some short-sighted attempt to give context. I didn't think this through. I guess what I'm trying to say is that for my standard of living, the places I've grown up and lived, the things my peers expect of me, I've never been poor but money certainly hasn't been a trivial matter. I guess I'm kind of average. In my experience, I actually have better-than-average money management skills, but also less reason to use them. I'll build up savings, but lack things to spend it on. There are a lot of luxuries that I've chosen to simply go without. At the same time, I've also been to lazy to put forth much effort; eating well is great, but why spend time and effort creating efficient and healthy meals when I can just buy ramen noodle and a 40 lb bag of rice and be happy with that? [Once again, I don't know where I'm going with this. Perhaps it would be better to plan out what I'm saying, but I can't be bothered.] In my depression, I've become both lazier and more indulgent. I'm not broke, so why eat a boring meal over and over when I can just spend more money and get pizza or something instead? I recently got a new job, which I'm making a career out of. I dropped out of school for this job; I would have flunked out anyway. But I had thought that a real, full time job would mean that I could continue living the way I have been, and even save up money and buy nice things every once in awhile. I've never really been able to do that before. Instead, student loans and medical bills are making me realize that even if I go back to eating for $2/day, I might still not have enough money to make the payments I'm legally obligated to make. Am I supposed to destroy my standard of living just to pay off this stuff? Is that what people do? I already have no desire to remain on this planet, so if I have to give up some of the comforts I've gained, it's going to drive me insane. I'm basically just not going to do it. But then if I have to talk to loan collection agencies and hospitals and ask them to give me a repayment plan to avoid having to pay hundreds of dollars a month (each), they're going to want a reason, and while I'm not spending that much money on superfluous things (like resteraunt/fast food vs homecooked meals), it's enough that if they look at my income, they might decide I should have enough money and that I just need to manage my money better. But that's really not acceptable to me. And I'd expect that if I told them that I'm morbidly depressed and bring up my good credit score, saying I'll get them their money eventually if they just ask less per month, or they may not get their money at all, then..... idk. I don't think that's going to work. It might over complicate things. [i had actual reasons for everything before. I just can't remember it any more, and I'm no longer processing information the way I was earlier today. So I'm finding myself unable to really explain much. Anyway. I might have to try to get a part time job. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't know what having only about 10 hours of free time a week would do to me. I don't even know if I'll be able to find another job. I feel vaguely like I'm in a speeding car with no brakes or steering, headed towards the crest of a hill, and I don't know what's on the other side. Maybe it's a massive cliff. I almost hope I'll be so lucky.
  7. A song called Aeterna by JackLNDN. It's part of the House And Beyond playlist by MrSuicideSheep on Youtube.
  8. Aaron, what other games do you have? I have a large library, but other than Minecraft, Starcraft, UT2K4, and perhaps Rappelz, all my games are through Steam. You could add me there if you want.
  9. Hey, I've played a few MMORPG's in the past, but almost exclusively by myself. I'm only really available on weekends or 4-11pm EST, so idk how often the times would sync up, but I think I would be willing to join. I haven't played Diablo III, but I'm already set up with a blizzard account and I've played Diablo II. I've also played a bit of PoE, but that was awhile ago, and the game has probably changed quite a bit. If anybody is up for other games, I think Minecraft, Terraria, and Rapplez are all good choices.
  10. I've been depressed for several years. I've been suicidal for most of it. In the last few years, I've been losing touch with everyone and everything. This was probably happening in the first place (perhaps one of the reasons I got depressed in the first place), but it's been getting more severe. More specifically, I've spent the last couple years avoiding people. Usually this doesn't take any effort, as nobody else bothers to keep in touch with me, and because I'm too shy/timid/anxious/nervous/inept/daft to maintain relationships myself. For the most part, things didn't change anyway, since I know so few people, and actually spend time with a much smaller number of people. I think the biggest change was in my avoidance of meeting new people. Again, this is only rarely relevant, as I don't know what I'm doing and people aren't interested in me, but where I used to try to talk to people just as sort of a social experiment or as practice so I could eventually overcome my handicaps, I instead began fearing interaction on anything other than a formal/professional level. Even when it seems highly unlikely that I'd get at all close to someone, I would start looking for ways to push them away and/or hide from them. In the two instances where a friendship did start growing, the relationship became a huge source of anxiety for me, and I would wallow in worry for hours at a time. When they were around, whether digitally or otherwise, I would find myself freezing up as I tried to deal with my internal struggle. I didn't want them to get any closer than they already were. I felt like I should tell them we shouldn't talk anymore and that they should stay away from me. But I also longed for someone to talk to, someone who might become a confidant; I want to have fun, and also have someone to help me deal with my problems. Ultimately, though, inaction seems to be my hallmark, and I fail to push them away. But since I'm also a bonehead, I really don't get closer to them either, and eventually we split ways. I said earlier that inaction is my hallmark... I think if I was capable of making things happen, I would have been dead for awhile now. Then again, if I was able to take action, I would have less reasons for wanting to escape life, so who knows. The thing I'm trying to get at is that it doesn't seem like I'm going to **** myself. No matter how cynical and nihilistic I get, I probably won't take action unless something big happens and I'm in physical agony that also isn't crippling. I've been seriously injured before, and the pain was enough that I may have ended my life, except the injury also left me impaired and kind of helpless, which encourages simply waiting until you've healed, but by then the agony is gone. I imagine I also might be capable of finally ******* myself if I got really angry and acted out of passion; unfortunately, I'm not very emotional, especially outwardly, and anger is something that I've always had a nearly effortless time controlling and suppressing. So I'm probably never going to get super p***** off and do something rash and spur of the moment. I don't do outlines when I write. I often don't even have a complete thought that I want to express. I'll have some notion that's not yet in words, but that I still want to express. But what I should have done thus far is express two different sides of an issue I came here to talk about. On one hand, I simultaneously want and don't want friends. On the other hand, I don't want to live, but I don't seem to be getting any closer to accomplishing that. So as I've become increasingly isolated and lonely, I've become increasingly bored with the things I do on my own to escape misery. I still want other people around to do things with, to make things more interesting while I'm alive. There are things that I can't do without friends, things that I already enjoy doing but that would be much easier and more fun if I did them with friends. And if I'm not going to die, or at least not soon, then I may as well get as much enjoyment as I can. That's not really a new idea; even if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I'd still want to have some fun today. Inevitably, my thoughts seem to get mixed up, and I lose track of what I'm saying, so it gets to be easy to just have disjointed thoughts sitting next to each other. Bear with me. I know how I want my suicide to go. It's not something that's just as simple as slicing my neck with a knife. Some people might try reading into that, and say I'm not actually ready to die yet. I'm not interested in that stuff. What I'm interested in is what my easiest course of action is. If it's easiest to text somebody I used to know and ask them to hang out, that's what I'm going to try to do. And that does seem easier than suicide, regardless of method. It should be easier. The 'weight' of actions can't be measured, but talking to somebody would weigh much less. But there's still so many things stopping me from doing that. Even when I feel like I've run out of things to do, and I get bored, and have been rehashing the same lame activities to wear them out absolutely, I still can't seem to send a simple text, saying anything at all, to make things a little more interesting and a little less monotonous. I'm stuck.
  11. That had not occurred to me, and I didn't know it was even possible. I imagine it's not cheap though, and I'm not wealthy. I might ask about it though. I'll think about it. Thanks.
  12. Hello, I recently broke my clavicle, and need surgery to get it fixed. The hospital told me to bring someone I'm close to, so they can talk to the doctors with me, take me home, and watch over me for at least 24 hours. Unfortunately, I have virtually no friends. Of the people I know that are also anywhere nearby, I don't feel comfortable asking any of them to drive me anywhere, let alone all the other stuff. Most of them I really haven't talked to in years, and that leaves like 2 people that I barely know and only just met besides, and then a handful of people who I actually don't know, but have seen around, because they're frequent enough customers of mine. I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. Perhaps the main reason I don't want the surgery is because I don't have anybody I can rely on, and I'd be breaking the rules. My best idea is to just have a taxi take me home from the hospital, and then deal with things on my own. I've been pretty self-sufficient in the past, and drugs and anesthetics have never had much of any effect on me, so I think I'd be fine, but that's going against what the hospital is telling me to do, and if something does come up that I can't handle on my own, I have no idea what to do short of coming back to the internet and asking for help. Is there any advice or reassurance you can offer? Thank you.
  13. I've had a few different injuries that require a cast, crutches, a sling, etc, and I also work in customer service. This means I see a lot of people every day whom I have to interact with, and many of them are people who have been customers of mine for years, so they feel comfortable talking casually without needing to actually see me more than a few times a year or knowing anything about me. So when I come to work with a sling and ice pack that wasn't there before, I get a bunch of people asking what's wrong, what happened, how, when, where, and sometimes giving advice or otherwise going more in depth than what politeness requires. This really bothers me. I don't like having to answer the same questions over and over and over, especially when I don't have good answers. The repetitiveness of it all is enough to make me dread leaving my room, even without my social anxiety and introvertedness. It doesn't help that I'm painfully aware how fruitless and false their concern is. They don't gain anything by learning about me, because I'm not a part of their life. Even if they didn't forget everything I told them, the knowledge would sit in their brain, rotting and collecting dust. None of them seem to realize that I carry my condition everywhere I go, and for every person who thinks a minute or two of their time can be easily spent trying to sound friendly, there's 3 dozen other people in a day who all do the same thing, costing me quite a bit of time on a repetitive task that I have no interest in in the first place. Do you have any suggestions how I can get people to shut up and leave me alone? I'm not very tactful or socially apt, and I have a habit of overthinking and worrying, so the best I know is to rudely tell them I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about why, and then ignoring them if they bring it up again. But if I did that, I'd feel bad and guilty and I'd worry about how they're taking it and what they think even though I know it's irrational, because just as I have no place in their life, they have no place in mine. Please help. Thank you.
  14. I'm not sure if this is the best place to post this, but I don't know of a better place. I'm a loner, I have a lot of social anxiety and other things that make it virtually impossible to start and maintain relationships. So basically, I'm completely on my own for everything. I'm going to be moving into a new apartment soon, and just like hospitals and clinics and other things, there's paperwork. And they seem to always ask for emergency contact information. Or references. Or anything that lets them talk to somebody other than yourself if there's a problem with you. Is it ok to leave these blank? The only people I could list are people I really haven't talked to in years, or people who I work with but don't actually know me on any personal level. If for whatever reason my landlord or doctor needed to call this person, they'd be very confused and might not be willing to cooperate. Is there anybody else who has encountered this problem? How do you handle it?
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