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ArthurP last won the day on April 23 2012

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About ArthurP

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  1. ArthurP

    Sleeping On The Couch...

    A less comfortable place works when I'm feeling bad. The bed is too soft for sadness. The floor has been a part of my healing for many a day and night.
  2. I know I should. I know it would be good fo me, but when work is over all I want to do is rest. I can't tell if that's fear masquerading as exhaustion of depression draining me like always. It's a self-feeding entity because if I don't do something I enjoy I get depressed over wasting my life. Sigh.
  3. Okay, so I literally didn't get a wink of sleep stressing out over this. In the am she was totally calm saying this was her new thing to not get worked up about it and told me to find a solution and we'd meet again at the end of the day. At the end of the day when I didn't have a "solution" she went off on me ("I gave you all day and you don't have a plan!?!") and told me I'd better find one because she was not going to put company business on her personal AMEX for her London trip. I told her I'd explained the situation to the head of finance and she asked why I'd talked to him. She told me to talk him that morning for obvious reasons (to get the company to cut a check to get the card reactivated). This is when I considered that lonelyforeigner might have been right. It might have be subconscious sabotage on my part, but not to hurt her, but to hurt myself. To get myself fired from a job I hate and away from a boss whose mood swings and temper are well known throughout the company (I knew none of these things; I just needed a job as my division was laying people off). For awhile I thought it was over and I began to think what I would do next. On one hand I was petrified financially. I'm in debt and if I miss a paycheck I'm homeless. And I have a roommate. That would put her in a difficult spot. Also, my next check means I'm paying sanitation fees on the house my younger sister lives in so I've got her to think of too. But then I remembered unemployment. I could give my roommate a rent check or two, rent a van and pack all my shit up and move down to Asheville with my other sister who loves the idea. I also thought maybe this is what forces me in to taking photography from expensive hobby to something that can actually be used to make money. Just go all out on the hustle and take any job I can from anyone can. When there actually seemed to be a solution to the problem and my HR person insisted I wasn't going to be fired, I admit a part of me was saddened. Of course I could still do the photography thing with my job. But I know I won't. And that makes me want to cry most of all. It's been 36 hours. Time to try and get some sleep.
  4. Thanks. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm actually terrified to go to sleep now because it means when I wake up I'll have to deal with this. My therapist attributed my late nights to my dread of the coming day. But that's the rub isn't it. My anxiety won't let me sleep and not sleeping guarantees the next day will me immeasurably harder as result. Sigh.
  5. ArthurP

    50+ Years Old and Trapped

    Ageism. That's the other thing. I probably couldn't get a new job if I tried at 52, especially in a field I preferred. I'm trapped.
  6. I can't speak to any deeper issues, but it was always in my mind to address the issue. In fact, I did reach out to finance about it initially and was giving permission to expense them. As to why I stopped or went lax, I'm only now beginning to accept the reality I may have been overwhelmed by my responsibilities. which has never been a problem before, but I've never been this far up the corporate ladder before. And it is a corporate card so I don't believe it hurts her. This screw up only hurts me. But I'd be lying if I said I held any great love for this job. It was a port in a storm when my company had layoffs in 2017. But I need it. I'm in debt, have no savings and have nowhere else to go should I lose it. And AMEX was no help to me. They just read me the rules and told me to deal with it. Maybe it's because its a simple green card or maybe it's because I got the weekend outsourced staff, but I'd actually gotten my appetite back a little before I reached out to them (when I'm depressed, my appetite is the first to go). They sent me plummeting back. And she seemed calm enough by text when I told her. We'll see how long that lasts. I think it helped I told her I was working with the Supervisor of exp reports to find all the money that was still owed her and had a plan for the future to possibly avoid this. I'm not sure what that'll be given she refuses to pay until she gets paid and our expense turnaround can be anything from two weeks to two months.
  7. Thanks everyone. I finally pulled myself together enough to go through everything and then I asked my HR person for help who then told me to reach to a person in finance. They were helpful especially given it's a Sunday night. The accumulated fees were as bad as I expected but when I was more on my game, I did get approval from finance to expense some of them so that helps a little. And when I sent my boss a text to let her know what was going on she seemed calm enough but to call her mercurial is kind. but who knows what tomorrow will bring? I don't know when anxiety became an issue for me. I'm just so used to thinking of the end result (depression) than I never looked at the off-ramp (anxiety) that took me there.
  8. So, I've screwed up at work. I am an assistant and do my boss's expenses. They're enormous because at any time she has to fly off to LA, Dubai or England (we're based in NYC). Long story short, the AMEX bill is in the thousands but all the expenses I've submitted don't match. Literally thousands of dollars are unaccounted for. There are two reasons for this: 1) I've missed something because I didn't go through her monthly AMEX statement like I should and 2) Accumulated penalty and lates fees over the year because she refuses to pay the bill until she gets the expense payment for the company (which is also my responsibility because I should be keeping track of them and I haven't). Now what I should be doing is going through the statements and payments now with a fine tooth comb to find what's been missed. Then I need to call AMEX and see how much of the penalty and late fees I can get dismissed because they will do that. What I've been doing is crying in the fetal position because the anxiety over it has triggered my depression in a major way. I stopped eating and basically hyperventilate myself to sleep. I'm the control freak son of a control freak and whenever things seem out of my control I plummet like a stone. I'm reminded that my life is a failure. I've accomplished nothing. I'm middle-aged, never been married or even lived with someone, have no kids, heavily in debt, live check-to-check and have no kind of job options so if I lose this job I'm done for. I wish I still had my therapist, but she's out of network and my insurance deductible for out-of-network went from $2000 to $4000. I literally went into work on Saturday and got all the files and statements needed to go to work on it. I've got them covered with a blanket because the very sight of them makes my stomach drop and my hands shake. They've been sitting untouched for 24 hours. I know what I need to do. I've prepared for it. But I. can. not. move. Only curl up into a ball and cry.
  9. ArthurP

    50+ Years Old and Trapped

    Well the brief respite the holidays gave is over and I'm back at work on Monday and have already had a minor anxiety attack because I made the mistake of checking my work phone. Here's the funny/sad thing about me and anxiety: I literally lose my s**t. When I hits I have to immediately go to the bathroom. It wasn't like that when I was younger so clearly this is something age related. Speaking of that, for the first time in years I gained weight over the holidays and can't get it off. I'm literally 10 pounds heavier than I was before Thanksgiving. If there's one thing I can said to be have accomplished is that I changed myself physically. It's the only discipline I've maintained.Ten years ago I hit 200 pounds and made the decision to turn it around getting down to 175 and being able to hold it in that area for the past 3 or 4 years. Now, nothing is working. It's like a switch was turned off when I turned 52. Happy New Year, everyone,
  10. I'm so sorry read what you've been through. That sounds horrible from the mental trauma through the financial loss. You should take some pride and confidence in the fact you're still here trying to move forward. You say you have a counselor. What are the chances you could get your parents to go with you once so they could have a better understanding of what you're going through? A lack of understanding of emotional issues tends to be a generational thing. Older generations just believe you should simply plow through your unhappiness like they did or still do. They think "tough love" will get you going. Maybe they could see it's much more than that. Also, I know you can't fathom finishing your degree, but it may open up other areas of employment if you do, even if they are just in academia itself. Also you could use it as a bargaining tool with your parents to help you out until you finish. I now how cynical that sounds, but if they're leveling threats you may have no other choice. I wish you the absolute best and hope you find some peace. Music is indeed some of the best medicine possible. It's like ointment on my soul when times are at their worst.
  11. ArthurP

    Feel like a mess

    I know the feeling of failure and being stuck while others around you seeming prosper, but you have to remember everyone puts on a brave face, especially at family gatherings. That guy making six figures may hate it a much as you hate your dead end job, but he's not going to say it. Grass is greener and all that. I have a college degree and a corporate job, but it's totally dead end for me and I can't see a way out of it but I didn't mention that when asked about it over the holidays. As Emerson said, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." And a college degree is just a tool to getting somewhere. If the place you'd like to go doesn't need it, then you don't need it either. I would only advise getting it because it's better to have it and not need it than the other way around.
  12. ArthurP

    Not having any other to talk

    I do have friends to speak with and friends who actually understand depression, but I honestly don't want to talk to them about this because I feel it's a a burden for them no matter what they say. I simply feel the conversation will always be the same because that's simply how depression is. I feel they would eventually grow tired of me and simply not answer when they saw my name and number flash up and that would simply be unbearable for me. So ultimately I have no one to talk to because I won't. That's why I'm glad for these boards.
  13. ArthurP

    To everyone with depression.

    You have no idea how much I needed this right now. Thank you!
  14. ArthurP

    50+ Years Old and Trapped

    Thank you for responding and I hope we all make it out together with one of those annoying "didn't find purpose until late in life" stories.
  15. ArthurP

    50+ Years Old and Trapped

    Thank you, E. It does help not feeling so all alone in this so you've provided the same comfort for me. I'm sorry for your ailments. A recent doctor's appointment about some pains I was having had him saying things like "a little arthur..." and I was confused for a second before I realized he was talking about arthritis!