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ArthurP last won the day on April 23 2012

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  1. I just have to vent. I'm 55---to be 56 in November---and find myself facing having to leave New York City after almost 40 years because I've been out of work for two years and cannot find a job and the money has run out and move home...and in with my mother. Yes, I can blame the first year or so on Covid. The city---hell the world---shut down and there was no work to be had. But once it started up I did nothing but continue to live off what little I had and enjoy it. Sleep late, go to the gym bike around the city at night taking photographs. Every time the money started to run out, fate gave me a reprieve of some sort. But I've had my last I think and now I'm preparing items to sell to help pay my rent and my journey home. And I know this is my fault. I should have started job hunting much sooner and not waited until the last minute, but I hated working so much when I would actually try, I would have full blown anxiety attacks and wind up fetal on the floor of my apartment. A recent temp job which granted me yet another brief reprieve reminded me just how awful it is to spend 8 hours a day some place where you have no interest or attachment. Also, because I've oddly fallen upwards, I'm now an Executive Assistant which means I'm qualified to support C-suite executives. I don't know if you know anything about them but they tend to be high-performance, high-demand people, hence their position. They can also be jerks, seemingly incapable of understanding that not everyone is proficient as they are. If we were they they wouldn't be special. They're also prone to self-infantilization, seeing themselves as too important to learn things like how their phone of computer works. In my job search I'd see a request for "thick skin" more than once which let me know exactly how toxic that environment was. My sister tells me to just take any job, but it's not that simple. A bad job can make your life a living hell. I know this is also the result of a hard week. I had a job interview for a new temp position on Monday that I did not get and honestly felt slipping away from me in the interview. This was after losing a previous temp position I'd interviewed for the previous week which looked promising. Then there were multiple rejection emails for places I'd applied to. Including my second rejection from both AMC Cable and Trader Joes. TRADER JOES!!!! Also, a filling fell out and because this is America there's nothing I can do about it without a job and benefits. Add this to other dental issues and the left side of my mouth is now a mine field for anything too hot or cold. So I'm so beaten down right now I can't see anything but failure and disappointment. I'm going home a failure. Thanks for listening.
  2. It's been a minute but in case anyone cared, I too was laid off during a company-wide culling right at the beginning of Covid. I received three months severance then unemployment and I actually enjoyed it for awhile as it was the first time I didn't have to work in 30 years.
  3. Not that anyone asked, but here's an update: through three miserable months it was all able to work out. And soon after she quit because her horrible treatment of her employees resulted in someone filing a complaint not to HR but the HR of the holding company. Our dept had a behind closed doors meeting with the CEO himself over it. So now I'm without a boss and the anxiety of dealing with that horrible person has now been replaced by the slow growing anxiety of possible unemployment. Never a dull moment.
  4. Today I was reading about the Olympic skater who sank into depression and she was talking about how she'd just spend weeks alone in her apartment doing nothing. And while I know the pain she was feeling all too well part me wished I could afford do just that, but I have to get up and go to work with my pain. At its worst, count the minutes until I can just go home turn off all the lights and crawl into bed. It made me wonder is it better or worse to have the time and means to "indulge"---for lack of a better word---depression or have to struggle to survive with it? I actually believe it's worse when you have money because then you've got nothing to blame for your pain and have to face it constantly. I was never one to be surprised when someone successful like Anthony Bourdain killed himself, because I knew that though he had seemingly everything he could ever want, to him that meant the pain would always be there no matter what. It wasn't because he was poor, or alone or unloved or failed or in poor physical shape. He was the opposite of all those things, so in one dark moment it probably seemed like there'd never be a solution for him. But when you have nothing and have to work every day or are lonely or have an ailment you can tell yourself, "This is why I'm sad. And if I keep going and change it, then the pain will go away." Also, for better or worse you have to deal with others and like most of us we're secretive about our illness and put up a front. Believe or not, this is actually beneficial because it forces us to push the pain back to function in society. And as the saying goes, "We are what we pretend to be so we must be careful." Pretend to be someone surviving and fighting depression and you actually may become that someone. Hmmm. This started kinda dark but ended on a high note.
  5. So I tried looking for a job online. I left even more depressed than when I started. The only thing I'm qualified for is the thing I'm doing now and I hate it so much I'm self-destructing. Every job sounded just like the awful one I have right now probably working for an equally awful person who loves their job and gets mad when you don't love it too. And it doesn't help when I see requirements like "G-suite" and don't know what the hell it is reminding me I'm too old to get a new job anyway.
  6. Does anyone else stay up late hours not so much because they're a night owl (though I am) but because they know the sooner they sleep, the sooner the next day comes and you have to go back into the world? Of course this is the ultimate in self-sabotage, because the less sleep you get the worse off you're going to be the following day.
  7. I'm 52 and I while I know it's the depression I often think I don't deserve another person. Not with the load of crap that comes with me. I'm not successful, I'm in debt and I suffer from depression. Who wants this in their lives.
  8. I'm right here with you. Whenever people say, "Well, just get a new job" I shake my head and sigh because it would just be more of the same if not worse. I'm trapped at this level at this age. There's no "working my way up" for me any longer.
  9. A less comfortable place works when I'm feeling bad. The bed is too soft for sadness. The floor has been a part of my healing for many a day and night.
  10. I know I should. I know it would be good fo me, but when work is over all I want to do is rest. I can't tell if that's fear masquerading as exhaustion of depression draining me like always. It's a self-feeding entity because if I don't do something I enjoy I get depressed over wasting my life. Sigh.
  11. Okay, so I literally didn't get a wink of sleep stressing out over this. In the am she was totally calm saying this was her new thing to not get worked up about it and told me to find a solution and we'd meet again at the end of the day. At the end of the day when I didn't have a "solution" she went off on me ("I gave you all day and you don't have a plan!?!") and told me I'd better find one because she was not going to put company business on her personal AMEX for her London trip. I told her I'd explained the situation to the head of finance and she asked why I'd talked to him. She told me to talk him that morning for obvious reasons (to get the company to cut a check to get the card reactivated). This is when I considered that lonelyforeigner might have been right. It might have be subconscious sabotage on my part, but not to hurt her, but to hurt myself. To get myself fired from a job I hate and away from a boss whose mood swings and temper are well known throughout the company (I knew none of these things; I just needed a job as my division was laying people off). For awhile I thought it was over and I began to think what I would do next. On one hand I was petrified financially. I'm in debt and if I miss a paycheck I'm homeless. And I have a roommate. That would put her in a difficult spot. Also, my next check means I'm paying sanitation fees on the house my younger sister lives in so I've got her to think of too. But then I remembered unemployment. I could give my roommate a rent check or two, rent a van and pack all my shit up and move down to Asheville with my other sister who loves the idea. I also thought maybe this is what forces me in to taking photography from expensive hobby to something that can actually be used to make money. Just go all out on the hustle and take any job I can from anyone can. When there actually seemed to be a solution to the problem and my HR person insisted I wasn't going to be fired, I admit a part of me was saddened. Of course I could still do the photography thing with my job. But I know I won't. And that makes me want to cry most of all. It's been 36 hours. Time to try and get some sleep.
  12. Thanks. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm actually terrified to go to sleep now because it means when I wake up I'll have to deal with this. My therapist attributed my late nights to my dread of the coming day. But that's the rub isn't it. My anxiety won't let me sleep and not sleeping guarantees the next day will me immeasurably harder as result. Sigh.
  13. Ageism. That's the other thing. I probably couldn't get a new job if I tried at 52, especially in a field I preferred. I'm trapped.
  14. I can't speak to any deeper issues, but it was always in my mind to address the issue. In fact, I did reach out to finance about it initially and was giving permission to expense them. As to why I stopped or went lax, I'm only now beginning to accept the reality I may have been overwhelmed by my responsibilities. which has never been a problem before, but I've never been this far up the corporate ladder before. And it is a corporate card so I don't believe it hurts her. This screw up only hurts me. But I'd be lying if I said I held any great love for this job. It was a port in a storm when my company had layoffs in 2017. But I need it. I'm in debt, have no savings and have nowhere else to go should I lose it. And AMEX was no help to me. They just read me the rules and told me to deal with it. Maybe it's because its a simple green card or maybe it's because I got the weekend outsourced staff, but I'd actually gotten my appetite back a little before I reached out to them (when I'm depressed, my appetite is the first to go). They sent me plummeting back. And she seemed calm enough by text when I told her. We'll see how long that lasts. I think it helped I told her I was working with the Supervisor of exp reports to find all the money that was still owed her and had a plan for the future to possibly avoid this. I'm not sure what that'll be given she refuses to pay until she gets paid and our expense turnaround can be anything from two weeks to two months.
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