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ArthurP

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ArthurP last won the day on April 23 2012

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  1. Today I was reading about the Olympic skater who sank into depression and she was talking about how she'd just spend weeks alone in her apartment doing nothing. And while I know the pain she was feeling all too well part me wished I could afford do just that, but I have to get up and go to work with my pain. At its worst, count the minutes until I can just go home turn off all the lights and crawl into bed. It made me wonder is it better or worse to have the time and means to "indulge"---for lack of a better word---depression or have to struggle to survive with it? I actually believe it's worse when you have money because then you've got nothing to blame for your pain and have to face it constantly. I was never one to be surprised when someone successful like Anthony Bourdain killed himself, because I knew that though he had seemingly everything he could ever want, to him that meant the pain would always be there no matter what. It wasn't because he was poor, or alone or unloved or failed or in poor physical shape. He was the opposite of all those things, so in one dark moment it probably seemed like there'd never be a solution for him. But when you have nothing and have to work every day or are lonely or have an ailment you can tell yourself, "This is why I'm sad. And if I keep going and change it, then the pain will go away." Also, for better or worse you have to deal with others and like most of us we're secretive about our illness and put up a front. Believe or not, this is actually beneficial because it forces us to push the pain back to function in society. And as the saying goes, "We are what we pretend to be so we must be careful." Pretend to be someone surviving and fighting depression and you actually may become that someone. Hmmm. This started kinda dark but ended on a high note.
  2. So I tried looking for a job online. I left even more depressed than when I started. The only thing I'm qualified for is the thing I'm doing now and I hate it so much I'm self-destructing. Every job sounded just like the awful one I have right now probably working for an equally awful person who loves their job and gets mad when you don't love it too. And it doesn't help when I see requirements like "G-suite" and don't know what the hell it is reminding me I'm too old to get a new job anyway.
  3. Damn. Wish I could learn that.
  4. Does anyone else stay up late hours not so much because they're a night owl (though I am) but because they know the sooner they sleep, the sooner the next day comes and you have to go back into the world? Of course this is the ultimate in self-sabotage, because the less sleep you get the worse off you're going to be the following day.
  5. I'm 52 and I while I know it's the depression I often think I don't deserve another person. Not with the load of crap that comes with me. I'm not successful, I'm in debt and I suffer from depression. Who wants this in their lives.
  6. I'm right here with you. Whenever people say, "Well, just get a new job" I shake my head and sigh because it would just be more of the same if not worse. I'm trapped at this level at this age. There's no "working my way up" for me any longer.
  7. A less comfortable place works when I'm feeling bad. The bed is too soft for sadness. The floor has been a part of my healing for many a day and night.
  8. I know I should. I know it would be good fo me, but when work is over all I want to do is rest. I can't tell if that's fear masquerading as exhaustion of depression draining me like always. It's a self-feeding entity because if I don't do something I enjoy I get depressed over wasting my life. Sigh.
  9. Okay, so I literally didn't get a wink of sleep stressing out over this. In the am she was totally calm saying this was her new thing to not get worked up about it and told me to find a solution and we'd meet again at the end of the day. At the end of the day when I didn't have a "solution" she went off on me ("I gave you all day and you don't have a plan!?!") and told me I'd better find one because she was not going to put company business on her personal AMEX for her London trip. I told her I'd explained the situation to the head of finance and she asked why I'd talked to him. She told me to talk him that morning for obvious reasons (to get the company to cut a check to get the card reactivated). This is when I considered that lonelyforeigner might have been right. It might have be subconscious sabotage on my part, but not to hurt her, but to hurt myself. To get myself fired from a job I hate and away from a boss whose mood swings and temper are well known throughout the company (I knew none of these things; I just needed a job as my division was laying people off). For awhile I thought it was over and I began to think what I would do next. On one hand I was petrified financially. I'm in debt and if I miss a paycheck I'm homeless. And I have a roommate. That would put her in a difficult spot. Also, my next check means I'm paying sanitation fees on the house my younger sister lives in so I've got her to think of too. But then I remembered unemployment. I could give my roommate a rent check or two, rent a van and pack all my shit up and move down to Asheville with my other sister who loves the idea. I also thought maybe this is what forces me in to taking photography from expensive hobby to something that can actually be used to make money. Just go all out on the hustle and take any job I can from anyone can. When there actually seemed to be a solution to the problem and my HR person insisted I wasn't going to be fired, I admit a part of me was saddened. Of course I could still do the photography thing with my job. But I know I won't. And that makes me want to cry most of all. It's been 36 hours. Time to try and get some sleep.
  10. Thanks. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm actually terrified to go to sleep now because it means when I wake up I'll have to deal with this. My therapist attributed my late nights to my dread of the coming day. But that's the rub isn't it. My anxiety won't let me sleep and not sleeping guarantees the next day will me immeasurably harder as result. Sigh.
  11. Ageism. That's the other thing. I probably couldn't get a new job if I tried at 52, especially in a field I preferred. I'm trapped.
  12. I can't speak to any deeper issues, but it was always in my mind to address the issue. In fact, I did reach out to finance about it initially and was giving permission to expense them. As to why I stopped or went lax, I'm only now beginning to accept the reality I may have been overwhelmed by my responsibilities. which has never been a problem before, but I've never been this far up the corporate ladder before. And it is a corporate card so I don't believe it hurts her. This screw up only hurts me. But I'd be lying if I said I held any great love for this job. It was a port in a storm when my company had layoffs in 2017. But I need it. I'm in debt, have no savings and have nowhere else to go should I lose it. And AMEX was no help to me. They just read me the rules and told me to deal with it. Maybe it's because its a simple green card or maybe it's because I got the weekend outsourced staff, but I'd actually gotten my appetite back a little before I reached out to them (when I'm depressed, my appetite is the first to go). They sent me plummeting back. And she seemed calm enough by text when I told her. We'll see how long that lasts. I think it helped I told her I was working with the Supervisor of exp reports to find all the money that was still owed her and had a plan for the future to possibly avoid this. I'm not sure what that'll be given she refuses to pay until she gets paid and our expense turnaround can be anything from two weeks to two months.
  13. Thanks everyone. I finally pulled myself together enough to go through everything and then I asked my HR person for help who then told me to reach to a person in finance. They were helpful especially given it's a Sunday night. The accumulated fees were as bad as I expected but when I was more on my game, I did get approval from finance to expense some of them so that helps a little. And when I sent my boss a text to let her know what was going on she seemed calm enough but to call her mercurial is kind. but who knows what tomorrow will bring? I don't know when anxiety became an issue for me. I'm just so used to thinking of the end result (depression) than I never looked at the off-ramp (anxiety) that took me there.
  14. So, I've screwed up at work. I am an assistant and do my boss's expenses. They're enormous because at any time she has to fly off to LA, Dubai or England (we're based in NYC). Long story short, the AMEX bill is in the thousands but all the expenses I've submitted don't match. Literally thousands of dollars are unaccounted for. There are two reasons for this: 1) I've missed something because I didn't go through her monthly AMEX statement like I should and 2) Accumulated penalty and lates fees over the year because she refuses to pay the bill until she gets the expense payment for the company (which is also my responsibility because I should be keeping track of them and I haven't). Now what I should be doing is going through the statements and payments now with a fine tooth comb to find what's been missed. Then I need to call AMEX and see how much of the penalty and late fees I can get dismissed because they will do that. What I've been doing is crying in the fetal position because the anxiety over it has triggered my depression in a major way. I stopped eating and basically hyperventilate myself to sleep. I'm the control freak son of a control freak and whenever things seem out of my control I plummet like a stone. I'm reminded that my life is a failure. I've accomplished nothing. I'm middle-aged, never been married or even lived with someone, have no kids, heavily in debt, live check-to-check and have no kind of job options so if I lose this job I'm done for. I wish I still had my therapist, but she's out of network and my insurance deductible for out-of-network went from $2000 to $4000. I literally went into work on Saturday and got all the files and statements needed to go to work on it. I've got them covered with a blanket because the very sight of them makes my stomach drop and my hands shake. They've been sitting untouched for 24 hours. I know what I need to do. I've prepared for it. But I. can. not. move. Only curl up into a ball and cry.
  15. Well the brief respite the holidays gave is over and I'm back at work on Monday and have already had a minor anxiety attack because I made the mistake of checking my work phone. Here's the funny/sad thing about me and anxiety: I literally lose my s**t. When I hits I have to immediately go to the bathroom. It wasn't like that when I was younger so clearly this is something age related. Speaking of that, for the first time in years I gained weight over the holidays and can't get it off. I'm literally 10 pounds heavier than I was before Thanksgiving. If there's one thing I can said to be have accomplished is that I changed myself physically. It's the only discipline I've maintained.Ten years ago I hit 200 pounds and made the decision to turn it around getting down to 175 and being able to hold it in that area for the past 3 or 4 years. Now, nothing is working. It's like a switch was turned off when I turned 52. Happy New Year, everyone,
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