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profound_cumulonimbus

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About profound_cumulonimbus

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  • Birthday December 29

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  1. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

  2. How do I deal with my friend?

    Welcome, i know some of this reply may not be well recieved but i felt a need to share a perspective. I know all too well how it is to feel worthless. To find a friend you thought you could share the depths of your darkness with, someone who promised they would stand by me through deamons, then just gave up. I can tell you it hurt like hell, it suffocated the little hope left in my soul to just be faded out, to trust someone enough to be honest and vulnerable from the core (letting them see my depression) just to be given up on because they had enough of 'dealing with me'. While yes, i do agree its very important to be aware of how it impacts on your own emotional wellbeing and yes you can only help 50%. A change needs to stem from ourselves but you should also be mindfull that silence of cutting someone off hurts, its a votex in which the mind will discover every worst case scenario, truth or not. If this person fears being left by everyone maybe ask why? You say theres things in her past, dont judge this, we can be conditioned by repetitive behaviour patterns and i can guess that this feeling of never being enough has broken her many times. Depression and low self worth can eat away at you untill you are a shell of the person you were, every tiny thing analyzed and picked apart and its hard to break these habbits. For some of us, putting faith in someone & letting them close, truly trusting them enough to show ourselves is a big deal. You say you would give advice, but believe me advice & support are two different things. Its easy to tell someone they need to sort themselves out but theres more meaning in showing someone you are there for them through the journey. Yes depression is a selfish illness but so is just giving up on someone who you once cared for to be friends, its a slap in the face to the fact that they cared enough for you too, to let you become part of their life. We dont trust easy. Honesty is the best thing. If you mean it, tell her that no matter how strong those deamons and how dark the space between you your always a friend. Tell her you value her & support her. But most importantly tell them how it effects you, dont just sugar coat to spare feeelings, a healthy friendship has a balance of vunrability. I know from experience that feeling disposable and unworthy of friends can lead people to cling on tighter in realisation fears are true... but then we fall apart in spectacular style, because most of the time its all a reflection of how we see ourselves and when another friend walks away it confirms every worthless thought we have about ourselves. Im sorry, please dont think i am bashing you, i just wanted to give a different perspective (which i admit is a little bitter) as i know how it feels to be ghosted and never good enough.
  3. Waves Of Isolation.

    As the mist rolls in above, this empty silence echos erily. In knowing you, my friend, i felt a little less alone. The rough sea of life, treacherous, but survivable. You were a calming wave of energy, a positive influence & I adored you from the start. You reflected the lightness of clear skies, you had battled darkness too, knowing and understanding how it felt to tread blue waters. I let you in, my beautiful friend, unaware, your rip current was about to pull apart everything i am. Does a promise mean nothing, are you not saddened at the loss of this friendship? Im not innocent, i know. The waves of anxiety clutching too tight, i cling to positivity and beauty, suffocating everything else in its wake. To loose you is hurting more than anything i have ever known. Whats worse, to think that you left willingly or to aknowledge that i pushed too hard. Truth, they are one and the same and its kiling me being ghosted by you. Am i disposable enough for you to give up on completley? So defective your willing to just walk away, confirming every worthless thought i have about myself. My heart believed you better than that, but my head misjudged you, foolishly. This fog of isolation chokes me, each time i surface through the tears, struggling to catch my breath. Relentlessly beaten, sinking down to the murkey depths, drowniing in the cold, bleak, darkness of depression. Soon to be a shipwreck, for each moment passing, we are decaying & my heart saddens to think of you. Alone again im lost at sea, battling waves and navigating stormclouds, an empty reflection where hope once dared to stand.
  4. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

    @SugaredSloth As always i love reading your contributions. This expression of feared intimacy, trust and unworthyness felt in relationships is SO true for me, constantly aware how damaged and broken. We give in fear that our sharpest edges will become blades for our backs and hearts to bear again in time, scars against scars, overlapping. We give in shame that we can't offer more than the fragments of what used to be unbroken. @Natasha1 your work is great as always too + (How long has the 'like this' button been gone?)
  5. When Thoughts Become Reality.

    I have a friend who i will be seeing soon, There is a lot i wish i could say to them, but i cant. I need it out of my head as its awkward enough allready. Im not entirely sure why im posting it, maybe i need perspective, i just wish i could tell them... Im anxious to be around you, you make me vunerable, theres things ive said to you that nobody else knows. For the first time in my life i opened up a little to another person. I trusted you too much, showed you the darkness i struggle with & seeing just under the surface of those depths of hell undoubtedly destroys any friendship i make. I once said to you that im hard to be friends with, i gave you the get out, run now or brace yourself for the storms & you told me you wouldn't run. Everything about you made me cling on to the hope and beauty of your wonderful soul, an energy i feel drawn to. I think you need to be reminded how special you are, thats why i like to tell you how much beauty i see inside you, knowing you has made me a better person, your friendship has breathed positivity back into my life & Im so thankful that we met. The thing is, it confuses me, im scared to be around you, that you end up disliking me. Even though we havent known each other that long, I told you that i liked you and you said you were worried about saying the wrong thing, there is no wrong thing, your feelings are your own & It actually kinda hurts me more that you dont respect me enough to be honest. You wont open up to me so i dont know how you feel about what i said, how i can make things right. Im not asking for anything, i just need you to be clear. Sometimes i feel that you behaved in a way that unintentionally fuels the way i feel. Im very observent, the little things you do but dont do with others & things you shouldnt say if you dont mean. I wonder if you unintentionally used me to make yourself feel better. I beg you, please dont play with my feelings, you have the potential to destroy me and break my heart, it frightens me. I know i made things messy, but tell me if you ever felt the tiniest glint of that connection. I have no doubt in my mind you knew how i felt. You think i dont know you very well, tell me if im wrong, but i see you. I see how you distract yourself to ilieviate sadness. To keep busy to not feel stagnent or trapped. I see how strong you are to not give up. I know i have no right to say some of the things i do, I really hope you will still think of me as a friend. I see that you are vunerable like me, that you are scared to let people in. You dont want to be hurt again, who does. I cant even begin to imagine how that loss feels. I hear you say you dont communicate all that much, but is that because of the pattern your life has taken or because you believe your fully content in your own company. Humans are social creatures, we need comfort, intimacy, honesty. I know that healing is a difficult process, it takes an unmeasurable amount of time. I see you struggle with this. As your friend i want to tell you that you should know its ok to take your time. I know you feel scared that if you do let go, your letting go of everything. In the smallest moment, i observed how much, with your whole heart you were capable of loving someone. I see how much she made you who you are and how much you miss her. I see how a part of you thinks that because you experienced that incredible love, you should not ask to find it again. I know you feel guilt. I know you tell yourself you are happy, but are you truely? I also know that, if you someday found another person you felt for you would want to move on. I heard you say you'd worry that another person would be uncomfortable living in a shadow. I disagree. I think that if they dont understand how big a part of you she was then they dont get you. I know that you doubt yourself, that you try to be a joker when your nervous. I know you worry about saying the wrong thing or hurting people. I see when there are things you wish to say but hold back & when people get too close your uncomfortable and pull away. I know you hate repitition, but sometimes your own behaviour patterns it. I know you self sabotage or procrastinate because your scared. I know you ignore things because you dont want to deal with them or its easier not to have confrontation. Thats why im scared you will just give up on being friends with me. I want to ask if you see me, see how much i want you in my life & I want you to know how incredibly beautiful, patient and kind you are. I see how you care about the world, appreciate its beauty & its knowledge. I see how you dont buy into how technology and commercialism consume our lives. You are not materialistic because you know that its the deeper connections that matter. I wish that i was brave enough to tell you all this, but more so, i wish you would let me.
  6. to **** a monster.

    Im sorry your feeling this way. Relationships are hard & very complicated especially if we dont see the good in ourselves first. The world wont be a better place without you. I really do hope that you may feel better.
  7. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

    Hey, been away for a while but theres been some amazing stuff posted as always & i love reading it all. (Im not entirely sure *** this is to be honest. Its a mess no matter how much i think about it, decided i need to let thoughts go so its out of my head) At night, we lay and watched the stars, minds entwined, hearts open, looking up at a reflection of ourselves. From the moment our galaxies collided, hope slamed into my world violently, shock waves rippled my universe. I trusted you completely & adored you wholeheartedly. Before you, i was shrinking to a fraction of myself, cold and beaten, crushed by depression, clouded with darkness, unsustainable and misunderstood. You taught me how to shine. Magnatized together while independently weighted by deamons, waves of energy pulled us closer. Vunerable, we orbit each other in companionship, two binary stars, seemingly happy. Our hearts inches apart, I danced in your gravitational orbit, a bitersweet affair. With each moment longing for you, I feared our stellar collision, for i allready knew our fate. My heart hesitant, we merged, exploding in a beautiful supernova, two neutron stars, unstable. Love can last a fleeting moment or a lifetime, for us the final outcome always inexorable. Inevitably we imploded, destroying everything we may have become, forever a black void in each others heart.
  8. Need advice please

    So i have just had an argument with my parents, it started with my mum, i can be pretty volatile and get angry but my dad just full on punched me in the face. I allready have a black eye, it happened 10 mins ago. What am i meant to do in this situation? Hes my dad, i would lie if i said violence never happened before (occasional growing up) my family are heated we dont always deal with conflict well. Its not abuse, an argument turned into a fight and i play a part, its retaliation for my actions so if i report it it will not get taken seriously. I have nowhere to go, no friends to care or talk to, but im not in any immediate danger, the arguments over and theyre not speaking to me. Please i beg someone to advise me what i do now?? i cant stop crying, its making my head hurt but i cant tell if its from the emotions or the hit.
  9. I've lost my best friend: the love of my life

    Hey, welcome. Everyone is different but i will tell you from the view of someone who does this alot. We often push away those we are closest too, they make us vunerable (usually in a good way) but we may not know how to deal with that as we arent used to it. Being guarded is a protection blanket from others & ourselves. Its hard to allow ourselves to be loved and supported if we are so used to guarding ourselves this way. Sometimes its hard to deal with certain issues, sometimes we dont think we deserve to be loved or sometimes we think we are protecting those who love us from unleashing our depressions hell, most of the time its a combination. Learning to trust someone takes time, but learning to trust yourself can sometimes be harder, you may have gotten too close to her boundries and she freaked. I have had times when i really wanted to let someone close but got scared and in 'fight or flight' survival i ran scared. It can be an overwhelming vunerability and when your allready fighting mental illness its hard to take on another battle and fight. Talk to her but dont push her. She must clearly like you from what you have said but actions are just as important as words. If you promised to be there, make sure you are, even if a few weeks without talking, sometimes we need space. Most importantly dont make threats to leave as it will only make her more garded and she will be worrying that you will abandon her. Its difficult enough, dont make ultimatums, its not easy to open up, if she is not ready and you push her, you will loose her.
  10. do things happen for a reason?

    I believe that there is definatley more than what we see. I quite like the idea there is an undercurrent of synchronicity & yes, sometimes things happen for a reason. I think it happens with both the good and bad, but maybe when we are low we notice the negative more so it has a bigger impact . Have you ever had something happen that is an unbelieve coincidence? How is it possible for that event to occur in random circumstances and perfect timing. Maybe im just a little spiritual in thought, i think we find those incredible friendships, the connections that change our world, when we need to learn something valuable to grow as a person. Even the bad events can do this, can make us stronger and more resilient. Sometimes searching for answers can be demoralising I think we wont ever know why things happen, just learn what we can and have faith.
  11. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

    @samadhiSheol Im sorry your feeling this way, (forgive me, i was only trying to send a little kindness with my last post) I have nothing worthwhile to say, but be assured I understand, like many of us here, just how much depression suffocates and tares apart your life. Anyway, I hope you find hope soon.x
  12. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

    @samadhiSheol I hope you are ok? I know sometimes the struggle gets harder and its difficult to see past it, sometimes we just need to take a break. Creativity is such a great outlet for releasing everything, please dont give up writing, you have a beautiful talent. The forum is here to listen if you want to vent. Feel better soon, im sending you hugs & hope. X
  13. You dont need to appolagise for expressing how you are feeling. Sometimes it takes a venting to allow us to understand things. I always do it, write all my jumbelled thoughts, get them out of my head, untill i see some form of clarity. Relationships are difficult, if you love your new girl then it does not matter. People should not be defined solely by their past, as we should not by depression. You say you have accepted it, and she supports you. The truth is that nothing else matters, especially the view from others. Im learning that we cannot control who we fall in love with. But if we are lucky enough to find someone who loves you back, embrace it, dont doubt it. Be patient and trust, when walls are built high from a lifetime of protecting yourself its hard to let them down. Another thing i have to add, (please be assured this is not a go at you, just the way society works). The words "i can do a lot better" why do people think they are deserving of more? Its a greed or self imposed heigherachey. Judging on social status, wealth or appearence, it shouldnt matter. The person deemed below you may have the biggest heart, love you unconditionally and anchor your world. Its hard to do, but ignore those people who question you, only you know your own heart & feelings. Im sorry that depression is viewed so badly in your country, it must be hard. Especially if your parents share the same view. I know you say its frowened upon to have a mental illness, but surely a doctor still has a duty of care to help those in need. Have you spoken to a doctor face to face (not online) it may help you, you dont have to tell other people why you are seeing them. Im concerend by the doctor saying he cant teach you, he should be trying to support you. As for loosing hope, it happens to all of us but please dont think of yourself as a burden, people care about you and will NOT be better off without you. Keep fighting.x
  14. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

    Im trapped in loves one sided hell. A misery solely mine, a fate that I have created, I know you don't feel the same. Meeting me was a curse to you, History repeats itself with sick irony, My mind a deamon, reflects shadows from your past. Locked in a cycle, scenes play out with the same tourture, old fears, with a new face. I know how much you hate repetition, it leaves a bitter taste. Watch as we rot. Darkness is a succesful huntress, Hiding in shadows, she searchs and feeds. Can you smell the sweet sick perfume of putrid passion? She will be here soon, i see her coming. The vultures of my mind allready circling, waiting to pick clean the carcus of hope. Never satisfied untill storm clouds consume the day, for i know that you can do nothing to help fend these deamons off, why should you? Eventually a beautiful memory will be all thats left of us. Its a shame, i could have loved you unconditioally.
  15. Your welcome friend. It is a common feeling to think that we dont matter or that our emotions are not important (im very much the same) Sometimes i feel this happens because people will say "oh its just their depression" but they need to remember that we are more than that. OK so maybe our emotions are more intense, heigtened or overwhelming because of depression but we are still FEELING them & still dealing with the triggers causing them. They deserve to be validated, we deserve to be aknowledged as more than just a mental health label. Warriors of old were knighted for battle and given honour. We deserve recognition too, everyday we wake up to fight an invisible deamon which feeds from our very soul, to me, that shows just as much courage & strength. As i said before, this forum is full of understanding people with no judgement, share as much or little as you are comfortable with, there is always someone to listen. Also, I was wondering how you thought & felt about those questions?