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FeelinBlueAllTheTime last won the day on March 14 2013

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  1. RSLBrandt...I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I'm much older than you (sounds like you are still in school) and I STILL feel that way. So you're not alone. Despite how you feel, you are not "disappointing" or "embarrassing" or "awful". You just happen to be in a family where you don't fit in and there is a lot of pressure to succeed or be something you aren't. Again, I can relate...my own family treats me this way. It explains my low self-esteem and lack of confidence, because they have never really believed in me. I wish I had a family that truly loved and accepted me for who I am, but I am unlucky, so... I know you feel uncomfortable with talking to your parents about this, but could you try? Maybe if you talk to one or both of them, it might help. I could never talk to my mother about anything when I had a problem but you never know...your parents might listen if you try to talk to them. I don't advise running away because that won't fix anything. It might even make your problems worse. Take it from me...I went through hell growing up in an environment where I was abused, misunderstood, and made to feel different (in a bad way) from everybody else. I didn't run away but I often wanted to. Instead I made some really bad choices because I was so unhappy and felt alone and had no one to talk to. Some parents have unrealistic expectations and this can cause a lot of problems. I remember doing a project back in high school many years ago, working hard on it, and my stepfather called it a "piece of sh*t". He is NOT a nice person and much of his behavior was aimed at making me feel bad about myself. Nothing I did ever satisfied him. He was constantly putting me down. I hope your parents are better people than that. I think you should try telling your parents what you've said here...that you feel unloved and like you're a disappointment to them. You never know, they might actually be surprised that you feel this way. You won't know unless you try talking to them.
  2. Hi Marius...really sorry that you're going through this. Maybe you could try therapy. If you're lucky, you might find a good therapist who can help you. There is never any shame in reaching out for help or wanting to improve your life. And you're not alone...most of us on this site struggle with depression (it IS Depression Forums after all ) so we're pretty much in the same boat. As to your relationship woes...all I can say is that at 26, you are still very young. There is still plenty of time to meet other girls. I will say, though, that hating women won't help you find a girlfriend. Just some advice from a girl...take it for what it's worth. Also, I can relate to feeling that life sucks and is unfair. A lot of that IS true...but some of it might also be from depression and feeling like we can't change our circumstances. I would at least try therapy if I were you. It can't hurt to try, and you can always "shop around" if you don't like the first or second or even third therapist. Take care
  3. I'm pretty late in responding to this, so I'll keep it short if I can. I've learned not to share my problems with others because of the hurtful reactions I've often received outside of this forum, in real life. Most of the time now, if somebody asks why I'm depressed, I refuse to talk about it. I can tell that they asking because they want to judge...not to truly understand. So I figure that if I keep it to myself (no matter how much it hurts) I can spare myself from further pain and misunderstanding from others. One way you can look at it is this...if you know that you suffer from depression, you don't need others to believe it. You don't need to convince anyone of what you are dealing with because YOU know it. There are often people who try to deny my reality or tell me that my feelings/experiences aren't real, but they are wrong. It used to bother me but now I see that I don't need to convince them of anything or prove anything to them. I know for a fact that I have depression and that certain things have contributed to it. I don't care if anyone believes that or not. What I'm more concerned with is how to overcome it and heal and live a better life, even though I'm going through a tough time again.
  4. Also, I have to add this...being a woman is magical, even with all the BS we deal with. No disrespect to the dudes here (you guys are awesome!) but there's just something cool about being a girl, despite what society says. I hope no one takes offense to that. Furthermore, Chubby...I can relate to what this treatment has done to you. Being called "ugly" and having my confidence destroyed at an early age has affected me for most of my life. Not only that, it was miserable to grow up with ZERO affirmation and positive reinforcement as a young girl. We need that because the world isn't a kind place. I had an abusive stepfather, abusive boyfriends, constantly had to deal with racism because I looked different, there was favoritism within my family toward a certain relative, etc. There is a lot of pressure to look and act a certain way. If you meet the approved standards of others, you will be accepted and treated well. If you don't, you risk being bullied, mistreated, and isolated. As I continue getting older I feel even more self-conscious about my appearance and how others perceive me; I know that much of this anxiety has to do with the way I've been treated. Sometimes I feel bad because I gained weight but then I realize that this feeling comes from the toxic attitudes of others. I'm not in my teens or twenties anymore. I'm older now, with a shift in hormones and certain issues that make it more difficult to lose weight. So while I would love to be that 21-year-old girl again with the tight little body I once had, it won't happen. I have to work on trying to love myself and being kind to myself despite the harsh words and dirty looks that others throw at me. This is what I wish for ALL women and even some men who may be struggling with a poor self-image due to bullying.
  5. Hi Chubby...hope all is well! I hear you and I understand where you're coming from. People can be very cruel; that is an unfortunate fact of life. I was always a target of extreme bullying growing up, even within my own family and even from a couple of boyfriends I had. Back then I was thin and pretty, but the way I was treated convinced me that I was ugly/inferior/subhuman, etc. Now I am overweight and still battling low self-esteem. I agree wholeheartedly with you and Lauryn. The world would be a much better place if everyone would be kind. Sadly we live in a world where many people seem to feel better by stepping on others and hurting others. They don't care how their actions can affect others. What I notice about men (and some women) who express hateful, misogynist views is that they are often immature. They fail to understand that people should be treated with respect no matter their appearance, race, gender, etc. It reminds me of bullies who never grew up. And I know you mentioned that men have done this to you but I've encountered just as many nasty women who have commented on my looks in a hurtful way. I remember just a few years ago, this girl screamed across a parking lot that I was FAT! The memory still hurts because I didn't do anything to her but she felt the need to insult a complete stranger. As to the MGTOW crowd, the same applies to them...just a bunch of broken, insecure losers who find it more productive to bash women in general when they could be doing something with their own lives. Sometimes they do it because they feel that women have rejected them. Or they do it because they learned that behavior from other males like their fathers, brothers, friends, etc. I wouldn't really consider myself a "feminist" per se, but as a woman, I care very much about the rights of women and humanity in general. So maybe that does make me a feminist? Not sure. But yes, people can be horrible. We should try to remember that it's never about us. If somebody is acting ugly, THEY are the ugly one, not you.
  6. No, it's cool if you talk about the job issue. Truth be told I need a purpose to my life as well...we all do. A lot of people assume that because I'm a housewife that I'm just a useless waste of space. But there are reasons for why things are the way they are. You asked if my husband always had this problem with intimacy...not at all! When we first met, I was in my early twenties and he was in his late 30's. He couldn't keep his hands off me back then. I was thin and very pretty, but I didn't realize it because of my low self-esteem. I was in a VERY abusive relationship before I met him. I also came from a home where my stepfather abused me. My husband kind of "rescued" me from that. I think that some of the intimacy issues can be explained. His job is stressful, so I can understand how that would ruin the mood. There is also the problem of my weight gain, which was caused by a condition I developed a few years ago that makes it difficult to keep the pounds off. I'm about 40 or 50 lbs. overweight. He isn't mean about it, but I know he prefers women that look a certain way (although he denies it). There is also the fact that he was raised by an overly religious mother who won't even let us sleep in the same bed when we visit her. So you may be right...there is probably more to it. The journal idea with your boyfriend sounds like a good idea. I really hope you guys can make things work; I have a feeling you can do it!
  7. I hear you, standup. The only "new" change I've made is attempting therapy again. Other than that, I feel hopeless and unable to do anything anymore. I'm not getting any younger either. And yes, the Internet is an escape sometimes but it can also keep us from being productive.
  8. Wow Chubby...it's crazy how much I relate to this post! You sound like a really nice person; I would want to be your friend in real life. I hate to say it because it sounds like misery loves company, but it gives me some comfort that I'm not the only one living in isolation and loneliness without a job or friends. Unlike you, I'm an introvert but there are often times when I feel really sad due to a lack of real human connection. And you're right...it isn't healthy to have a long period of isolation, plus sitting all the time is bad for us. I don't go to the mall by myself anymore because of crowds, anxiety, and other issues. Which is sad because I used to love shopping and just walking around. I've been at home all day too. I haven't even showered or brushed my teeth yet...ugh! Since 2014 my depression returned and I'm just trying to fight it. And yes, I can also relate to the part about trying to talk to people and be nice, only to have them act strangely towards you. I honestly thought I was the only one who experienced this. I just wish I could have a normal life for once.
  9. At least you have a great sense of humor about it, Chubby... Yes, I've been married for several years and we don't have children because my husband doesn't want them. He never told me that before we were married, despite knowing that I wanted a family. And in order to have kids, you need to have sex, which hardly ever happens... To answer your question, we don't do "other stuff". I wish he would at least be open to other things, but no. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted...and my self-esteem has pretty much been low all my life, even when I was thinner and more attractive. It hurts because I love him so much and I just want to share myself with him in that way. But one time he called me "selfish". Hmm...wanting to make love to my husband is selfish? I never understood that. Selfish (in my view) is rejecting your wife repeatedly and refusing to discuss children or anything that could improve your relationship. But anyway, back to you... yeah, at least you are willing to try. Just don't feel pressured into anything that makes you uncomfortable. Also, not everyone has pain when it happens, so hopefully you might be lucky in that area.
  10. 1. Like quicksand...I continue to sink further and further, unable to climb out. 2. Like drowning in very deep water...I can't swim to safety because the shore is too far away and I'm tired.
  11. Agreed, Lauryn...and OUCH! to the hymen cutting. But it could be a solution. As for me, I'm in a sexless marriage and it is very lonely at times to feel like my husband doesn't want me. He is a great guy otherwise but it does hurt to be rejected sexually when I flirt or make advances to him. Sometimes it makes me feel even more unattractive and I'm too young to deal with this for the rest of my life. But I guess there are complicated reasons for why one partner in a relationship might withhold sex.
  12. It sounds like there is a lot more to this than you not having a job. By the way, I am a housewife (without children) and I contribute to my marriage...just for anyone who believes that being unemployed means "taking advantage" of others. We live in a society and an era where being a stay-at-home wife (or girlfriend in your case) is often looked at with disdain, because having a career outside of the home is what is valued now. We all have to choose the path that's right for us in the end as individuals. On the sex issue, I had a friend years ago with the same problem. She was afraid to be intimate with anyone because she thought there would be pain, blood, etc. It really depends on the person and whether your partner is understanding of your fears. Hopefully you can talk to him about this and you can work things out.
  13. So I decided to give therapy another chance...yesterday I had my first session with a new therapist. It went surprisingly well! She listened and really seems to care. Hopefully I can work through a lot of this stuff I'm dealing with, both past and present.
  14. So my original post disappeared, but I'll try again. I can't say if your boyfriend is emotionally abusive, but it doesn't sound like he is very nice to you. Based on what you've said here, there ARE some red flags: 1. Constant criticism and finding fault with you. It's normal to occasionally criticize but when it becomes a constant pattern where you are made to feel like you can't do anything right, that may be a problem. 2. Overreacting to minor things (the incident with the pans and the cutting board); fits of anger; making you feel afraid to express yourself. 3. Blaming, accusing, and belittling...he seems to do a lot of this. There seems to be a lot of focus on what YOU are doing wrong instead of trying to work together as a team to solve issues. He isn't perfect and I'm sure that there are things he needs to change as well. 4. His statement about being capable of violence is troubling, especially if he says that often.
  15. I agree that if somebody gave you a chance, they would indeed enjoy talking to you! I don't even know you and you seem like a pretty cool dude. Making conversation is an art. Some people have a natural ability to talk to anyone with ease, but for some of us, we have to practice. I know what you mean about online conversations being a little bit easier because of the anonymity factor. I'm very shy and awkward in real life and I'm much older than you. But if I feel comfortable with somebody, I become a slightly different version of myself. Maybe that could be true for you too, if you had the chance to meet people you connected with. I understand your need to find a partner out of the desire to love and be loved. As humans, we need a sense of belonging and acceptance. I think it would really help you to have that in your life. Maybe this is another reason to consider going back to school...you never know who you might meet.
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