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About sarahbeth24

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  1. sarahbeth24

    Maybe I'm being selfish

    Everyday I wake up and my sleeping pattern is a mess and I wake up and eat and then play my game until I burn out and sleep and I hardly get out of bed or look after myself or my teeth and it feels like the movie groundhog day the same day over and over again. I struggle with my mood and my health and I keep having bad luck like the bank freezing my card just because I made a purchase online somewhere I never shopped before and the next day the atm ate my card. Ever since mum died and little will to carry on I had has gone and it's almost as if I am waiting to die like my minds gone but I'm waiting for my body to go too. I am struggling to afford therapy and not getting anywhere with the doctors for getting help We are moving home but the wait for the solicitors to complete the paperwork is just a nightmare and slow and I don't know how I am going to cope with moving with all of this meds and junk Because I'm not getting out my bones are starting to hurt or my joints or whatever they are, I thought i wasn't getting enough vitamin D so I started supplements but I've not noticed much difference I wish there was some kind of meds I could have that would make me function and have the will to live and get up and go but I'm just like a paperweight a very depressed one I worry that eventually I will get ill from being in bed all the time, I saw stories in the news where someone stayed in bed and did drugs all the time and then they gained weight and died and I fear that's the road I'm heading down The grief I am going through I just want to be with my mum and feel like I've got nothing much left to keep me here but maybe I'm being selfish.
  2. sarahbeth24

    Gender discontentment.

    the best advice that i never listened to in my life was from my therapist and from my parents and I regret not listning to them to this very day. The first peice of advice was that the grass in always greener on the other side and the second peices of advice was from my therapist who said that its better to try and live with your feelings and express yourself without surgical intervention. I didnt listen to either of those and 5 years later I have gained a lot of weight because homones can do that to a person, I have infections that are bacterial and they go on daily and no one can seem to get to the bottom of the cause and the dicrimination ive done through from doctors, to the bank and people in the street I wouldnt wish on anyone. I think they are the main issues and are pretty nasty and the fact that you are more prone to uti and you cant go as long holding pee in as you once used to. I happy enough with my body but socially I struggle because everything seems more high maintance and I eat once a day but still gain weight but i am not as active as i once was. gender and sexuaity are seprate, I often wondered why I was attracted to woman and I wondered if it was because I wanted to be like them but I like them still after surgery in a sexual way but things are different after surgery I dont mean to offend anyone, but as a male sex was quick and it was over in a short period of time but as a woman it takes a lot longer to reach climax and things are more sensitive and aftwarards its not uncommon to get BV or thrush just speaking from experiance but no two bodies are the same, the pain of going through surgery to me not even strong hospital pain killers took the edge off of the pain and I still get random pains years after. if you want anyone to talk to or just to confide in, message me
  3. sarahbeth24

    Alone for life

    The only lasting relationship I have is with someone 20 years older than me and I know someday I will end up alone just like my mum said I would my past relationships haven’t lasted because I too needy although I grew out of that but I’ve never really had a relationship that’s sexual in any way so I will probably die a virgin and alone Relationships are complicated and at times I want to be single again so I have more independence It took me 27 years to find someone
  4. sarahbeth24

    feel like it's all over

    I don't know where to start, I can't get any help for my mental health and I've lost hope, the will to fight and to carry on so.i lay here in bed day after day after day and live off home deliveries and tv diners and despite eating little I am gaining weight and have poor circulation but I think to myself I don't care anymore. I come online and people troll me for my grammar on different websites, I get called all sorts of names for disagreeing with people on social media when they try to push hate and today I felt like giving up and I went as far as watching videos about such methods. We can't seem to move to stuck in this damp stinky hellhole and my dad keeps telling me we should pack and start to get ready to move but he doesn't understand how hard it is to even get out to the shops I get fed up of seeing the worst in people and how messed up they can be, I think the only hope I have is of getting away, using the compensation money I have and spending time in the wilderness away from people because I have decides I no longer like people let alone like myself
  5. sarahbeth24

    The cost of mental illness

    There's to much going on at the moment There are things I am not capable of anymore like pc problems that I used to be well enough to fix myself but now I'm to unwell to cope with so I have to pay someone else to do which I can' really afford. Then tonight I tried to transfer gta v from my old of to the new one and i accidejtly deleted 74gig of the games files so I've got to wait 24 hours for it to download again. Today's been difficult and as much as I could cope with. I woke up from a nightmare where my dad went in to a coma and died and I woke up screaming and crying. I then got up and had to wait in for a food delivery from sainsbury and the stuff arrived and they didn't bag it up and the food packaging was damaged and they where nearly an hour late arriving and then I had to sort food out and I collapsed in bed after dinner feeling on edge, broken and stress and being grumpy is making life misrable. We are struggling to find a new home that we can afford in Scotland because property is cheaper there and we happen to love Scotland. The solicitors and estate agents are giving us the run around. I don't even know how we will cope with packing, selling stuff and downsizing because my partner keeps hold of all sorts and doesn't like to throw stuff away so the flat is filled from floor to roof with books, boxed and all other kinds of odds and bobs. Then after trying madly for 6 months I've found a civil solicitor to go after the police for torturing me but it cost us £500 because the solicitor said it will be a lot of work to see if the case has enough merits to go ahead but they said that they are confident we have a case against them because I ended up in hospital for a week. I had to loan the money to pay for it in the hope they i will get it back when we take them to court. Music and games are the only thing helping me keep it together because I can play GTA till I settle down and then listen to music to wind down and relax enough to sleep. There are more and more cheaters on gta and people who attack you for the fun of it. As a girl gamer I seem to get attacked more and given a lot of abuse but I just shrug it off and report them or just fight back in my fighter jet or run them down in my armoured jeep lol
  6. sarahbeth24

    Don't want to be here

    I am supposed to be going to Scotland with my partner and rather than help her anything done she just slept the day away after taking lorazepam which is fine but she can' expect me to get everything ready for tomorrow on my own. The trash has not been done in 3 weeks or so, it' 8pm and nothings for dinner and no packing been done. You can' move for thrash and trashbags. I can't awake her and my mood is very low. I've ordered pizza. I don' want to go to Scotland I have no interest in life or being alive and I am not managing to look after myself. I spent a week dog walking for a friend who' daughter dumped the dogs on her while she went on holiday and she couldn't walk the dogs so I did it and it took all the energy I had and left me with no reseves to cope. I hate flying, I hate doing anything and I just want to give up.
  7. I keep having bad anxiety attacks and for me I start hyperventilating and feel like I can' breathe Today I was due to wall an elderly lady' dogs but I woke up with terrible anxiety and dread of going out and I let her down by not being able to walk the dogs today. Its facing other people and the park is full of people and in good days I can cope but today I couldn't, I've decides that I couldn't have a dog for this reason because it means having to face the world every day twice a day and I don' feel stable enough to do that. If I take my anxiety meds I get so sedated that I am not safe crossing roads and feel overly sleepy For a two year period I was under so much stress that my anxiety became a lot worse. I love animals and dogs but I hate the park and seeing lots of people including dog walkers who are friendly and usually talk to you but when your anxious you hair want to be away from social.
  8. sarahbeth24

    Fed up of people

    I am really run down and people keep treating me like doo doo both online and offline. I got people on gta online abusing me left right and centre by making hurtful comments and when your depressed you start to believe them. I got shops treating me like dirt, one shop refused to do anything about their faulty product and was rude and told me to sue them if I didn' like it, I got another shop discriminated against me when buying simple over the counter medicine and you complain and they don' give a dam. It got to me tonight I found myself with a knife in hand wanting to use it on myself. My body is weak from being ill from 3 weeks and standing up causes me to nearly fall over.
  9. I've started having bad bleeds when I use the bathroom and they scare me (I am seeing a doctor but getting anywhere is slow) I just wanted some support and instead my partner kept ignoring me time and time again and instead decided to spend time glued to her tablet and having arguments with players who tried to steal from her and I said all day that I was unhappy, being ignored and she did it again and again until I snapped and threw my phone at the tablet and it took out the screen and she was very upset, it was my ta blet that I had given her but that's not excuse. It ended up costing the price of a new tablet and I was sorry I did it but I can't cope being ignored, it's upsets me, no one else in my family has ever ignored me to the extent that she does. She obsesses over this game called lord's mobile and time and time again people on the game either treat her badly or me and she lets them walk all over her. To say I resent the game is an understatement, she lives in the said game and you can't get a word in edge ways. When I bleed It effects me psychologically and I need support but feel it I don't get it. They bleedibg started when we went to Malta but got worse, I manage to stop it but when I use the bathroom it starts up and its not a trivial bleed. My gp is trying to battle NHS politics to get me to see a specialist in London but it's slow, if it gets bad I'm told to go to A&E. Ive been told that it's coming from skin granulation tissue but they are not certain. I am to scared to go out for fear of bleeding badly. I know when I'm at home I can use cotton wool to stop it or I can lay down and elevate my legs and it will stop, but when I am out I can't easily lay down. If go can't sort it out I may have to sell my things to get a private appointment but just to see the specialist is £600 and that's not Includihf treatment which may be thousands depending what's causing the bleed.
  10. sarahbeth24

    Very ill on holiday and can't cope

    Thank you, it's been really scary. I've got three more days to rest then we have to travel back to the UK.
  11. On our easyJet flight everyone was coughing and sneezing, days later my partner became very ill and two days ago I became very ill too. We think it's the flu but with mine I got a chest infection and when I cough my lungs feel like they are on fire. I went to see a doctor and she said I am unfit to fly and put me on antibiotics, so not only has a big part of our vacation been ruined, we are stranded here for a week. Never in my year of life have I ever felt so sick that leaving bed is difficult because if the pain and dizziness. The temperature here is 25 degrees but i shiver a lot. All my insecurities came out since I've been ill, I feel let down by my partner because I bent over backwards to look after her when she was very ill and she wouldn't even pick up the phone to order food so I've eaten very little in the past 48 hours. I feel low about mum because I just want to call her up and I cant. Part of me wishes we where at home but there is no way I was well enough to travel and get on a flight.
  12. sarahbeth24

    Feeling low on vacation

    The cream was a good find. Sadly we both caught a bug and are curled up in our hotel room. My partner has a fever and I don't feel well It's sad that there's only one day left and we are ill but there's not a lot we can do. Feeling sad, I would like to never have to return to the UK because life is stressful and crap back at home. probably just the depression talking
  13. sarahbeth24

    Sweets and Food

    Pizza, chocolate, milkshakes but I've become a bit intolerant to dairy so need to find new foods to try
  14. I have a lot of them some are very disturbing but relate to my ptsd Dreams are the minds way of processing things and somenights I can have 6 or 8 dreams and some of them are very strange from solar events to being tortured.
  15. sarahbeth24

    Feeling low on vacation

    I went on holiday to try and feel better but overcrowding and obnoxious people and health problems are getting me down. It's the awful busses crammed like sardines, people pushing, shoving and bashing you but more to the point it's the health problems like keep getting dehydrated, not being able to use the bathroom and getting a severe case of thrush that nothing seems to clear. Last night we both had bad anxiety and today I just want to curl up in a ball and stay inside. Some people like to rest on holiday and I do but my partner just wants to go and explore all the time so we go on buses and end up more stresses than when we got on. The one place I wanted to got was to see the bees and I got there and it was over run with oriental hornets which are driving the bees away. We walked for 20 mins through undergrowth until we reached a hornets nest and it's the most scared I've ever been because I felt a sense of danger and panic so we slowly backed away and left and luckily we didn't get attacked, but apparently if you **** a hornet by accident and they are near a nest the whole of the nest will attack you which can be dangerous. No other reviews online mentioned this but I decided in my review. The one positive is that I finally found some cream from the local pharmacy that has cleared my eczema up.