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About sarahbeth24

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  1. I feel very ill and can't cope with the online harassment I've been subjected too. How this started was that I own several domains with blogs and on I contacted support because I couldn't reset the password on the webhosting companies website and it said server error contact support so I did. The owner of the hosting company straight away blamed me for the problem and then I struggled for days, he's emails started to become more defensive and eventually abusive, resorting to calling me nasty things, my conduct throughout was professional and well mannered. After he finished blaming me, he accused me of trying to steal another customers domain, so I emailed the customer and he had told the exact same thing to the other customer and was trying to play us off against each other. By week 2 I've had enough so I left an accurate review online. He found and and the first thing he did was threatened to leak my personal information and my private wordpress posts and make them public, he then hijacked control of all of my domains and got in to my wordpress control panel. Everyday I get 40 odd emails from the guy, some very abusive, others just sending me random keystrokes. I don't know what to do, I feel low that I've lost my domains, Nominet or ICANN won't step in and if I go to the police they will ignore me and say it's civil like in the past when I've been abused online. I know I can sue him for breach of contract and discrimination as he deleted the website about how as a couple my partner and I where abused by the landlord because of our sexual orientation, he stated he deleted it because it was offensive. It's difficult to cope because it's impacting my mental health, I lost years worth of we design, hosting, a bunch of domains. Last night and the last few weeks I've not slept because each message I received I get more and more broken, I've asked him to stop and told me it's harassment but he doesn't care. Since my email is hosted on a domain it's not that straight forward to block people as it's through imap. I wish I could find a solicitor to help go after the hosting company.
  2. Feelings of disparity

    I can't sleep for love nor money because I can't rest and when I do I crash out exhausted. I am spending more and more time in bed and living on pizza and takeaways and I hardly move about other than to use the bathroom and I can't take care of myself. I came down to a bunch of health problems ranging from a nasty cold to skin and gum infections and a deep tear in my skin that won't heal so I was put on 4 antibiotic tablets daily and I'm struggling to take 4 each day. I needed my partner to look after me and instead I had to go out in the freezing cold and lug 4 bottles of Fanta orange ready meals and other food back when I didn't feel well enough to go out. I feel worse tonight and took painkillers to feel better. I feel my quality of life's dipped so far that I am as good as dead. On Wednesday I have a court ordered psych evaluation and I am not happy to talk to a male psych about my problems but they forced this guy on me. I've been trying for over a week to sleep normally, my sleep was fine but I helped several people who were suicidal by staying up for as long as they needed me because I care and then my sleep became bad. I know where I want to be, I want to be in a new home far far away from here and get a dog and go walking and lose weight otherwise I think I might end up in the ground. The police and a CPS and he'll bent on ruining my life and I feel helpless to fight. The old me would have stood up and be heard and counted I would have gone to court and told the press and members of public how I was tortured by police officer's to the point I was curled up in a ball rocking backwards and forwards crying out I don't want to die because I was ill with early stages of sepsis and they refused me medical treatment and I knew it was only a matter of time before I would die, I ended up in hospital for a week after being rushed to a&e As a result I ended up with PTSD and just talking about what happened makes me shake and feel physically sick. No other country would believe that the UK torture it's citizens but they do. The media is gaged. I've got to decide if I have one last fight in me and do it alone because I am not getting the support I need. If I fight I would be standing up against my abusers and it might be the end of me but at least the world would know what they did to me. Maybe I send the evidence I hold to the international press. I just can't cope I feel messed up
  3. Holidays

    What I got for Christmas was a kidney infection which came on last night, if I had not have had antibiotics left over I might be in hospital by now. i got terrible pains in my kidney last night followed by chills and I started the antibiotics straight away because they are the right ones for UTI etc. I felt pretty low last night and today but no where near as bad as last week thankfully. I get a lot of these infections and I seem prone to them, I am worried that they will be the death of me some day. I wish I know how to prevent them or why I get them but it might be a conversation I have with my GP come January. I slept most of Christmas away because I was exhausted but in a way I was pleased because without mum I was finding the thought of Christmas difficult, but I still messaged dad before I feel asleep to wish him a merry crimble. i am looking forward to tomorrow because I will take my voucher and look at the sales. i also look forward to New Year’s Eve because we go to our friends house for New Years and we have dinner and a few fireworks. i only wish mum was here to see the new year and holidays, she is in my thoughts and I will light the candle she brought me later In her memory.
  4. Painful relationship with my father

    I think you are right, it does souhd like he is projecting it on to you. My mum used to put me down in front of relatives and at times it really hurt me, I would end up angry and upset so I would storm off. I know my life never amounted to anything and I would get constant reminders but that’s all in the past. The only thing I can think of is that she wanted me to make more of my life than to waste it away in front of a computer screen. im sorry I don’t have the answers but ask yourself how would you feel one day if he was no longer around and you didn’t go to see him? Can you live with that or would you feel regret?. I nearly disowned my parents and was willing to walk away and never look back, if it wasn’t for my partner who convinced me to make things up with my parents I wouldn’t have had precious time with them, our relationship was very strained at times but if I had not gone to see them I would have regretted it because when I lost my mum recently I would have many regrets and in some way I still have a few but they are minor in comparison. whatever you decide you should stay safe, I don’t know much about Mexico other than there are dangerous people like cartel etc, but if you research and look on places like trip advisor you will get a feel for what areas are safe etc, I believe there are also websites that give you crime statistics for neighbourhoods. Hugs
  5. I feel like I've got nothing left to give and that I've given up on life and I would quite happily lay here in bed until I fade away. Yesterday was the first time in ages I felt up to taking my camera out but it wasn't easy as was very depressed. In going out I got freezing cold and when I got home I couldn't get warm. I managed to pick my mood up then my partner made me go to her universal credit appointment with her as she said she couldnt cope going on her own and I went out in to the cold and felt like I was having a breakdown and I couldn't cope and couldn't speak properly I just kept saying the same words over and over. When I got back I collpsed in bed and that was it until 5am I just slept and slept and when I awoke I feel low. I have had a number of setbacks and I feel I can' cope anymore. I need my relationship to survive as I wouldn't end up eating or drinking but at the same time I can't cope emotionally with having a relationship with anyone. On top of this I have been refused treatment because my partner told the nhs I was still going through a court case she wouldn' tell a white lie to help me and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. My partner wants to move to Scotland but I don't feel well enough to move that far and travel to look at property. The court case is taking its toll on me and I was sent to a homophobic Pakistan doctor for a psych report and he treated me like dirt. I don't feel well enough to complain to the GMC. Maybe I should be telling my GP this but my gp hasn't been able to help me so far despite being worried about me.
  6. Think I am close to a breakdown

    Ive been moved pillar to post only to end up beingtreated badly by a bunch of people like neighbours, council staff and my dad and I got home and done my back in, became unwell and cant stay hydrated. I managed 2 bottles of volvic water the 1.5l in 4 days and I just dont want to eat or drink. I have asked my therapist if I can see her in the next few days. This world feels very cruel at times. I couldn't live with myself if i treated people as badly as they have treated me.
  7. I am crashed out on the bed with a panic attack and I feel like I can't hold it all together, I feel like my whole world is closing in on me and that everything I had is changed and I can't cope. I threw things away that I was going to use to harm myself as I know now that I would act on it. I feel under to much pressure and I feel like I'm sinking. people really keep trying to make my life not worth living.
  8. not very supportive

    I feel pretty low, I got up and went out to sort out dinner, walked eown the dark alley way to go for fish and chips and I started shaking and felt low and my partner decided to ignore the part of my message about how I was struggling and decided to concentrate on the word food and ignore the rest of my message. I want to find somewhere to live that's stable and I am considering going to the council tomorrow. i can't keep moving and living out of bags and not having much support. I do have a therapist and might ask to talk to her. I have a psychological assessment Monday, but it's just for the solicitor, the NHS don't want to know. I could also go and see the doctors by my dads. I feel close to crisis and I got things to do that I can't cope with.
  9. I said to my partner that I just can't handle a relationship with how broken I am but she just doesn't the understand. last night I was in crisis and I just wanted hospital but was told I don't need hospital and that we don't want to end up there. I was shaking and I was physically ill because of my PTSD and I couldn't cope but my partner just decided to go to sleep and leave me to deal with it, I just felt like I was gojny mad and cracking up
  10. I just Don't know what to feel

    Firstly it was a typo I don't approve of cheating, my partner isn't very romantic. My partner said that if things don't work out between with intimacy that she wouldn't make me go without, just as long as I talk to her first. i don't know how that would make me feel, but to be honest if I don't address this issue then somewhere down the line I will be old and life will have past a by and I am not ok with never being intimate, I've talked to my partner and we talked and first we are going to try and see a doctor re her low sex drive and if things don't change then we will try and work together. I was scared when I talked to her because I didn't know how she would react but she says she's fine. I want thins between us to work out, I just can't live without intimacy In our relationship.
  11. I just Don't know what to feel

    I don't see why not? many people have suggested this and therapist said it's more acceptable in today's society. Idealy I would love a relationship which includes everything but I wouldn't know where to begin to find such a relationship.
  12. I just Don't know what to feel

    Yes I am unlucky but the landlord at the caravan park really wasn't my fault. The landlord I had in the previous places I never had issues with
  13. I just Don't know what to feel

    I was dancing with another woman and she kept hugging me, someone took offense to that and started saying hateful things. I called the police because if this as its unlawful, the landlord came over and started shouting because the police where here and he said I am diguesting and that I had until Wednesday to leave and he ranted about how no one should call the police. i pointed out to him that what he was doing is discrimination and he then got mad and said right your out today. i am financially independent, just I have no where to go and no references and not enough money to pay rent and eat. i don't know what I want out of life other than to be happy and to be intimate with someone. my therapist suggested a open relationship and aslo said I should take time to process what had happened last weekend
  14. I just Don't know what to feel

    I have been thrown out by the landlord for dancing with another woman, he said I am disgusting. it hurts like hell but I was afraid of loosing my new friend, so I left her my number on her front porch and by some miracle the dogs didn't chew it up and we are going to stay in touch. the guy who shouted hate speech at me smirked as we where packing the car up. i made a promise to another friend that I am going to try and find some enjoyment out of my life, mum wanted me to be happy god bless her soul and I will find that happiness no matter who it's with. ive for relationship issues, if I can't get through those I will leave even if it means I end up with no where to live. i want to get over my depression etc and I want to be happy 😊 what means everything to me is that I am staying in touch and being friends with my new friend from the bar, if I didn't leave her my number I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. this world is cruel but there are kind people which makes up for the bad in this world