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About sarahbeth24

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  1. sarahbeth24

    Today is a bad day

    The internet said cocoa nibs are good for the mood and since chocolate helps my mood I thought I would give it a try and maybe I over did it a little and ended up with anxiety, peeing a lot and thirsty. theb I discovered I had been scammed for the second time and also my teeth the dentist said they need a lot of work since I couldn’t look after them ive had enough really I feel like I am going under. I’ve been up all night worked up because I was scammed on eBay and I got a gum infection and feel really run down and like there’s nothing left worth living for
  2. sarahbeth24

    little to no energy

    I wake up early and I get feup of bed so I come out to the sofa and I just about manage to cook a little and do shopping in town yesterday I managed the library and got 25 pages printed out and I walked to the shops, I walked home and then walked the print outs to the doctors and I got freezing coming back, its so cold here this time of the year thats about all I manage in a day and I make it to 7pm and sleep but last night a did a little better and stayed awake till 2am I feel like I dont have much energy and I am exhausted all of the time I feel like my cell phone is no loger safe because I think its got malware or someone is spying on me because the camera keeps going off when I am nowhere near the phone so I got it ib my mind that I am being snooped on so I dont want my phone anymore and I am convinced that tomorrow my phone is going to get sold and I am going to trade it in for something else I tried taking a contract out but they couldnt verify my identity, so I was going to get one on finance but its insane they want £22 a week for 72 weeks which is just crazy the phones over priced in their shop by £300 and with interest your paying several hundred so I scrapped that idea but I will show up to the appointment to tell them ive changed my mine instead I will sell my old phone in and get a cheaper phone, If I was well enough I would get one with a cracked screen and get a new screen for it and save money I guess ive been obsessing over the phone situation for about a week and it stresses me out because I hate feeling like I am being spied on I get nuisance call daily today it was some jerk who said that they understood ive been in an accident which is wrong so I just hang up and block the number but they use a diffrent number each time they call so its like whackamole I remember when phones where simple and there wasnt any of this spyware and virus or junk but edward snowden said in a video that if you have any type of cell phone you cant expect privacy, its just like a tracker that pings the cell towers and knows where you are standing and where you have been but when I was a child or growing up we didnt have cell phones, my dad had one for work and it was like a brick and it would broadcast on FM so when the radio was on we had to switch it off because fm radios could pick up the coversation I think it was a old NEC but we didnt have phones and you would take change and find a payphone if you wanted to call your parents or use your friends landline but these days you feel attached to your cellphone like if you leave without it, it causes anxiety, like you worry what you will do if something bad happens and you dont have your phone with you
  3. sarahbeth24

    I feel helpless

    I have a Skype therapist which is my old therapist who will skype me if I am in need. I think I need to see a doctor because iv reached the stage where I cant take care of my self. I am dehydrated and hardly manage to pee, my pulse is rapid and I am not getting better. I need help and support, especially with my mental health because It just feels like my depression and lack in interest in life is winning and I am going down hill. I can put my mental health report on a usb flash drive and walk it down to the library and print it out to take it to my doctors and then request a appointment when I hand the documents in It basically a psych report that says I am in urgent need of help and it also states that I should be assessed for autism as they believe I may have autism. So I think I am going to put a jug of soup in the microwave as its fluids, get my bathroom jobs done, get out to the door to get that document printed and walk it around to the doctors. What I like about my doctors is that its a 10 min walk away but the waiting room is warm, they have toilets and a cafeteria as its at the hospital so its got everything there which helps when you struggle, even the psychological help is at the hospital too so it helps
  4. We in a a society where beauty and photoshopped images are shoved down our throat but remember this, 90% of photos online these days or even in magazines are photoshopped and Ive seen woman on instagram and it makes me depressed too. I dont think your ugly but I do think your a victim of society where hollywood and magazines make woman look perfect watch videos on youtube of woman before and after makeup or before and after photoshop and you dont do not realise what harm these photographers and magazines do to people so I try to ignore it and think to myself that these woman are just like me but they have been airbrushed to look perfect but theres no thing as perfection because everyone has something they dont like about their body I hate one of two parts of my body and I have several scares I hate one right across the drop of my head from an accident nobodys perfect and I truely believe that if people were perfect the world would be a dull place
  5. sarahbeth24

    I feel helpless

    The past 3 days have been a blur and ive been very unwell with my tummy and my mental health but last night my legs gave in and I feel backwards and landed on the sofa, then I felt like I couldnt breathe (I think it was anxiety) I made it to bed and my partner wanted to get an ambulance but I passed out and awoke at 3am in my bed the rest was a blur really apparently I wasnt making and sence when I talked and today my mood is very flat. I want to see my doctor but we have no printer setup to send the documents I need to show my GP and I am just not coping, ive not managed to clean my teeth for several weeks and iv lost a filling I think. I am scared because my phone keeps making camera sounds when its not being used so I think someone is spying on me so I erased my phone, I threw new firmware at it and I got camera & microphone privacy apps installed which block access to the camera and microphone for anything other than calls and I am still not happy with it. I think I might sell it and trade in for ios instead my legs and knees are getting weaking and I am worried that I will end up getting worse and end up in hospital, I said I would rather die then end up in hospital but I know my mind tells me that but when I depressed I dont know what I want to be honest I enjoy my game but I struggle with that because my concerntration is getting worse. I can just finction to put a meal in the microwave, I manage to use the bathroom and thats about it really. Life was supposed to be better here but I dunno. My partner thinks its because I was under a lot of stress and distress for 3 years and I got ptsd and she says that it takes time to recover and that maybe its worse at the moment because we are away from the stress?. ive been managing to eat better here but I am exhausted all of the time and hungry and dehydrated but I managed to drink a carton of milk yesterday. when I sleep I keep having these vivid dreams and the last one I remember was skiing on the snow down soem big mountains
  6. I am fed up but I am not perfect I know that but I get told how my partner is lonely and how they miss having company but when she was ill for 3 weeks she sept most of that and not once did I complain that I didnt have any company because I knew she was unwell and last night I sat at the computer, waiting for her to come and help in the kitchen and she said it would be 30mins, two hours later she appeared and said that she wanted a quiet day and we agreed that was ok and she went back to bed?, an hour later I put down my laptop I felt dizzy and very unwell and distressed because I dont cope when I feel ill and I went to sleep and that was that until 2am this morning and I got told how lonely my partner was. I was very upset so I got up and I scrubbed the kitchen units, I get the food put in the waste bins for recycing or whatever the council do with used food, I cleaned the work tops down, put the dishes away, rinsed things off and fille dup the dish washer and mopped up the floor its 5am now I am straving where ive not eaten dinner last night and I figure that the shops open at 7am so I will go to get a breakfast roll, a drink and spend some time looking out across the sea and later on pick up my face masks (got bad skin) and I will reax the rest of the day. I am worried about my partner spending all day most days in bed and house bound, each week passes she seems to get weaker and it concerns me, she wont go to the doctors because its a 10 or 15 min walk away and she says its to far and continues to have tummy troubles so I have her on Aloe Vera drinks which help us both we dont get much us time, we hardly go out but I understand we both been through a lot the past 3 or 4 years have been a nightmare for both of us and I am not sure how many relationships would survive. I love it here, I love our new home, I work as hard as I can to keep it nice and do chores which is something I have not managed in 3 or 4 years and I love my partner, I just feel very insecure, very grunpy, very exhausted and low and I got to find a way of dealing with that and healing again I have hopes and dreams I would love to get a rucksack, some basic things and take off and camp for a few days somewhere in the woods or just get lost in the wilderness but I would also like to do more with my partner, maybe get on a bus or a train and explore the countryside a bit but I dont know how the best to help her
  7. sarahbeth24

    Burnt out after abuse

    I woke up two days ago and again had abusive messages waiting for me and I thought to mysefl yesterday I am done with this, I am walking away because its not worth feeling suicidal every time you get harassed so I am staying away. When I did sleep it was filled with nightmares and I kept screaming out about the people who have bullied me and I am not resting enough, I am not eating or exercising and its consuming me and its getting nasty Iv always believed in fighting battles until I cant stand anymore, I am getting to the point where I dont think I can stand anymore and I am getting run down and not sleeping. Its 6am and I just want to get the trash out (its to dark at the moment for that) and to shower and get out and buy some food, bring it back so we have plenty and through out the day I can microwave myself a burger or some sassages and look after myself I wasnt this ill when we first moved in, I wasnt spending much time online and I was doing better for it, I was making smoothies every morning and going for walks and thats what I need I need to get out, I need to see nature, I need to do what I need to do to recover but its hard motivating myself. Iv reached the stage where my mental health and concerntration is poor. I can go to the supermarket and I am oblivious to whats on the packets of stuff I am buying, for all I know it could be out of date or contatin something im alergic to like celery and I just wouldnt know because I cant focus and converntrate I order things online and days later they show up and I had no clue what was in the package because I forgot my memory isnt good anymore and I dont know if there are some exercises that can help improve my memory or help me focus on things Daily I am dehydrated because I dont feel thirsty or like I need to drink so I hardly drink much, I did things like buy myself treats (drinks I like) and I got two small cases of Grape flavoured Fanta because its reasonbly priced in town but its heavy to lug back onn a 20 mile trip so next time I will take a rucksack because the weights bette distributed on my back yesterday I burst in to tears because I am missing mum so I decided to get someone to design me a tattoo I can maybe get inked to remmber my mum by. I got a lot going on in my head and I need to try and see a doctor to get help but I need to print some medical reports and the printer power lead is missing and the place needs unpacking form where we moved.
  8. sarahbeth24

    I feel like I’m getting worse

    I decided yesterday im not lookingat those things anynore as they make me worse inside I am just going to stick with playing my games and resting Each might ive not been sleeping and end up burnt out and crash out asleep and the days gone When we moved I was doing better but then I got sucked in to this world online and my lifes gone down hill
  9. sarahbeth24

    I feel like I’m getting worse

    Also i am starting to not manage to drink enougu fluids and i fear its going to do me more harm
  10. sarahbeth24

    I feel like I’m getting worse

    I had a really terible day today, I broke down and couldn'ttalk, I screamed, I cried abd I dotb even remember getting in to bed but my partner got me safely there as I couldn't and I curled up in my blanket and my lights went out and I slept for 5 hours What pushed me over the edge was seeing somethingbad in the news what our goverment and nhs are doing to people, forcing them to have medical treatment without consent I see it more and more if anyone refuses to get treatment they will abuse the system and accuse you if not being of sound mind and ordering medical treatment in court. I cant talk about the case because its got reporting restrictions but thats what they do in the UK is gag people even the press get gagged. Then I see bullying and nastiness online Ive seen people use christmas cards to target people with hate and thats thw kind of bs I deal with day in and day out becauae I am out there fighting but i will fight ubtil it runs me in ti the geound becauae i cant stand by and watch and stay silent
  11. I’ve not managed to clean my teeth in over a month and I can’t look after myself, I feel depressed and suicidal daily and my sleeps upside down People are nasty to me online and I can’t walk away, it’s consuming my life and today I harmed myself because I cant cope since I lost my old life and I lost my mum life has no meaning to me anymore and I’m being consumed by negativity we have a new home but i can’t enjoy it because I am too ill to unpack boxes and my partner can’t because my partner is ill and my dad went home early and didn’t help us he was supposed to be here for a week for my birthday I feel let down he is out every night playing his music and I hardly talk to him because he is out till the early hours i couldn’t care less if I died because there’s nothing left me for me in this world other than negativity and hate if my compensation comes through maybe I will have enough money to buy a small cheap place to live and just live on my own until I die from self neglect i ruined my I know I did and I can’t undo it I took dragged others down with me
  12. sarahbeth24


    Madness iw the only word that enters my mind when I think about where I find myself at. I got sucked in to a bwttle thats gettingout if hand and I got sucked in to it when I was targeted by a angry mob online through no fault of my own and Ive been mocked for having mental health issues and they said that I should **** myself and they have published my personal details Ive been harassed, they reported my social medoa account as fake so each time i have to send fb my ID to prove im me and each time they unlock it, they report me again and it gets locked I spent an hour going through their ringleaders posts and reported all the abusive ones and got then banned for a second time but its getting nasty, others in the group have resorted to threats and extortion and if my details got out the same would happen to me Im stuck in the middle I want to walk away but I get sucked in so I report people, spread what the other side is doing by taking screenshots and I campaign but the cause of this backlash is Trump spilling over in to my country and organised people funding hate groups I cant stand by and not protest even though I am ill these people wanted to make me **** myself by bullying me when I was low, they said it and I cant stand for that
  13. sarahbeth24

    Surviving low mood

    I read the news today and someone in a similar situation to mine took their life and the nhs failed them because they failed to follow up a criss call and it saddens me that the nhs let her down and I know on days like today I could lose my life because more and more I feel suicidal You get through another day and you wonder if you will survive another episode if feeling suicidal and people, especially family don't realise how difficult it is and what a achievement making it is and I've been trying for 15 years to get help and time and time the nhs let me down, when I was suicidal they either send the police to make sure you get to hospital, you wait hours in a hospital and when I did get admitted it was voulantry and lasted a couple of days with false promises of hone visit and care plan that never manifested itself, if my leg got broken or my body was dying they would fix me, save me and give me treatment but when your minds broken they won't help fix it I lay awake here at 6am and I've not slept, I feel ill and broken but I take my medicine and I'm ok for a while until the next battle It's like a never ending game of whacka mole and you hope the mole doesn't have teeth and claws and doesn't hurt you
  14. I keep getting targeted online by bullies and it makes me want to die, tonight it went on for an hour Some mock me for having mental health problems and others just attack me because I'm a girl and **** me over and over and over and over, they don't do it to the other player I've been bullied a lot of my life and it makes me want to not be here anymore
  15. sarahbeth24

    I'm am burnt out

    Dad came up for my birthday, my partners been ill for 3 weeks and them dad started getting nose bleeds and went to A&E and they say his blood pressure is sky high 140/210 so they say he needs to go home and see his doctor so tomorrow I am.going part way with him on 1 hour journey and I can't cope any more Dad's 5 hours away from home and my partner won't come with me and I don't feel I have enough support I've for 6 days to unpack the house and boxes etc before the kitchen people come to do the kitchen and bathroom and it's me who has to do all just like it's me who has had to pack and move us and I need support but I don't have enough support and I don't know what to do, I started smoking again because I can't cope. I would rather have the health problems, people around me keep getting ill and I can't cope and it's not their faulty but my mental health isn't my fault either I am expected to carry on and I keep doing it even.if it declines my mental health further till I go over the edge I feel like it's all my fault