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About sarahbeth24

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  1. sarahbeth24

    Surviving low mood

    I read the news today and someone in a similar situation to mine took their life and the nhs failed them because they failed to follow up a criss call and it saddens me that the nhs let her down and I know on days like today I could lose my life because more and more I feel suicidal You get through another day and you wonder if you will survive another episode if feeling suicidal and people, especially family don't realise how difficult it is and what a achievement making it is and I've been trying for 15 years to get help and time and time the nhs let me down, when I was suicidal they either send the police to make sure you get to hospital, you wait hours in a hospital and when I did get admitted it was voulantry and lasted a couple of days with false promises of hone visit and care plan that never manifested itself, if my leg got broken or my body was dying they would fix me, save me and give me treatment but when your minds broken they won't help fix it I lay awake here at 6am and I've not slept, I feel ill and broken but I take my medicine and I'm ok for a while until the next battle It's like a never ending game of whacka mole and you hope the mole doesn't have teeth and claws and doesn't hurt you
  2. I keep getting targeted online by bullies and it makes me want to die, tonight it went on for an hour Some mock me for having mental health problems and others just attack me because I'm a girl and **** me over and over and over and over, they don't do it to the other player I've been bullied a lot of my life and it makes me want to not be here anymore
  3. sarahbeth24

    I'm am burnt out

    Dad came up for my birthday, my partners been ill for 3 weeks and them dad started getting nose bleeds and went to A&E and they say his blood pressure is sky high 140/210 so they say he needs to go home and see his doctor so tomorrow I am.going part way with him on 1 hour journey and I can't cope any more Dad's 5 hours away from home and my partner won't come with me and I don't feel I have enough support I've for 6 days to unpack the house and boxes etc before the kitchen people come to do the kitchen and bathroom and it's me who has to do all just like it's me who has had to pack and move us and I need support but I don't have enough support and I don't know what to do, I started smoking again because I can't cope. I would rather have the health problems, people around me keep getting ill and I can't cope and it's not their faulty but my mental health isn't my fault either I am expected to carry on and I keep doing it even.if it declines my mental health further till I go over the edge I feel like it's all my fault
  4. sarahbeth24

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I feel like I've had to much coconut milk and coconut oil and chillies, tummy grumbles ..... Nooooooo
  5. sarahbeth24

    Poor concentration

    I am struggling to motivate myself since we moved in. Dad came up to help then the day before he was due to go home out if the blue he said he was going to take a drive home and he drive 9 hours straight, only stoppingat services to drink coffee and it was sudden and unexpected and I ended up bursting in to tears when the door closed behind him. That was a few days ago, my partner is ill and keeps moaning but I wake up depressed and I don't have the motivation to get things done. I can't concentrate on things, I ended up ordering something and I had not read the description properly so I need to buy a electric toothbrush when I thought one came with it Then I almost signed myself up to the organ donors register because I couldn't read the doctors form, Its just my dad brought me up to believe that kind of thing was wrong but I don't know, I've not really been able to think for myself on such things they where just brainwashed in to me at a young age. I managed to push myself yesterday and I got the washing up done, made several smoothies and did the shopping which is an achievement for me but today I am struggling to get out of the door, get my bathroom jobs done and get food shopping or do the washing up. We live somewhere quiet now so anxiety isn't as bad and I have more rest. I cope better when I make a smoothie, get it with me on a long hour walk and my mood is lifted for the rest of the day I brought myself a WordPress website blog and installed WordPress myself, added a theme and a few pages and menus and I blog about my exploration of Scotland, I decided to use a Instagram feed to showcase my travel photos and I am saving up to get a 125cc motorbike Since I am over 17 way way over 17, I can get a 125cc Bike after taking a 1 day CBT driving class. I've driven cars on a learner license before and got to the point where they said I was ready to take my driving test but I never got round to it My mum would never have approved of me riding a motorbike and my partners not happy about it but I need some independence and we can't really afford to own and run a car , riding a small bike around the back lanes across Scotland just feels right to me, 60mph is it's top speed but that will get me to the national forest, it will also get me to Ayrshire or if I stop over at a hotel part way I can go further and further. My mum wouldn't want me to ride a bike because she rightfully said they are dangerous and it was a motorbike that crashed in to my grandad car and killed him. I've thought about getting a paramotor instead but I'm not sure about it 1: On some days I'm scared of heights but flying excites me 2: something that flys probably will drink fuel 3: if you crash you either got to hit land or sea depending on what your flying over 4: it probably is a fast way to travel distance but landing might be a bit hairy given the weather in Scotland, the high winds, heavy rain at times Maybe there is another option, maybe a electric bicycle or something My biggest problem is my weight I just need the maximum weight requirements for a small motorbike, most bikes I'm too heavy for the recommended maximum weight but since I started walking and in walking up 1000 foot hills, I should bring my weight down because hill walking uses a lot or energy and effort to climb up the dirt tracks I'm glad I got my blog because it motivates me to do better and to save my money so I can travel and add more photos and even video at some point of beautiful Scotland
  6. sarahbeth24

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I feel pretty much out of it, they told me I needed something for the pain in my infected toe, but it's side effects mean I feel in a dream like state, like clouds
  7. sarahbeth24

    Welcome home

    The junk piles coming down, we got a lot done today and we tried to go to A&E for my foot but they said there are no doctors on today because it's a public holiday so I need to go back tomorrow and see a doctor, so it's an early start I've managed to use my foot as a reason for not getting up much and got resting more this evening Alone time is important to me too, it's not healthy being with someone 24/7 so I might go exploring, if I can save up enough, I will get a 50cc motorbike and go exploring even further because on a little bike the patrol will last and I can go to the national forest and some of the islands and just take my camera. The roads are so quiet here that it's safer for bikes then it was back in London Feeling a bit more positive tonight and this is the lovely view from my new home
  8. sarahbeth24

    Welcome home

    Yes we moved to Scotland in search for a quie life
  9. sarahbeth24

    Welcome home

    I am reaching my limits, I thought my job was to get the stuff boxed up and sorted and get it to the other end, I've done that, then the removal people refused to put the furniture in first and just filled the place up with boxes so we can't move and I am expected to work hard each day, when I rest I get moaned at or bossed about by my partner or my dad. 90% of this junk isn't mine, it's from 20 years of hoarding and about 6 car loads have gone to the dump so far. The room was filled to the roof. I am a piggy in the middle between my partner and my dad because she won't stand up to my dad or tell him what's wrong. I can relax here because there's no room, not even in the bedroom for boxes, then the washing bag split and went everywhere I don't want to be here, I just want to leave I did a lot at our old home until I went to bed late in pain and the same is happening here, I don't stop, then I go to bed stressed, I awake the next day and it only feels like I've been in bed for 5mins I might get 45 mins on my phone before I settle down and I've just had enough It's making me low, depressed and bitterand angry and I ended up shouting at dad and told him to go home, but luckily he didn't. I took some me time yesterday and I went out for a 2 hour walk, towards the hills but I just need more alone time and I don't get it that often I would like to take off to the highlands and just keep moving and exploring and being away from here but it doesn't help my foot has got infected and I can't clear the infection
  10. sarahbeth24


    Me too, it feels great to be away from there, to lock the doors one last time I walked away from there as fast as my little legs could carry me and just kept walking and didn't look back Tomorrow we leave here for good for our new life and the more miles we.out between us and him the better
  11. sarahbeth24


    We are finally out of that place now, we left a whole ago and closed the doors for the last time I won't miss that place, we had good times there but towards the end it was too much
  12. sarahbeth24


    Maybe it will come back to be someday who knows but the landlord caused my partners ptsd, let the place fall apart and never spent a penny.hr had also stolen from us when he let himself in to our flat using his keys and I have recordings of him making advances against me so I am not going to lose any sleep I found a adult toy today so I stuck it to the wall and covered it in pickle and left it stuck on the door and it all will mature for a week in the sun I've not damaged anything as thay would be wrong, I just left a big mess of god knows what in a big pile and if he doesn't do it right, the pile will fall like a avalanche but there's nothing heavy or dangerous. Just dvds blankets and empty bags and a few books
  13. sarahbeth24


    I always wanted to leave my landlord a little gift so I decided to pee on the carpet Dogs and cats do this to mark their territory, so I decides to mark my territory, then a panicked and poured lots of soda all over the carpet It was crazy but the place really made me feel low and returning there made me feel low. It's so damp and moldy in the flat that it finished off my joints and I couldn't walk back and I can't get out of bed because my joints are seized up and I can barely walk The flats going to be empty for a week or two and it will give the contents of the carpet time to mature I would have done more but I wanted to be nice Maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe it's against the law to pee on your own carpet and leave it behind but it felt so good Does that make me a bad person?
  14. I can't cope much more, I helped my partner until I became ill and the morning I was ill she wouldn't do much to support me not even carry her own rucksack so I was stuck with it, I needed more sleep, I came down ill and ended up exhausted in a hotel room and we are still living 9ut of a hotel room because our flat is terrible mess and we are trying to move and I'm expected to do it all, movie three rooms work of junk in to boxes, stack them neatly and I have a few days left to do it. Today I got my dad to help, we got one room finished, every 5 mins the phone kept ringing because my partner needed me and it continues to ring and ring until I couldn't take it anymore and I threw my phone at a wall, luckily it survived. I am not getting the support I need, I keep getting ill and I keep reaching the end of what I can cope with I can walk away now and kiss goodbye to our new home we worked for, it will finish our relationship and I will end up in sheltered housing if I'm lucky or I is it keep taking it until one day I harm myself. It's like tonight I needed to go to the hotel and rest, she kept on about how I will miss our if I don't go to dinner with her and her friend, how I was looking forward to it and this repeats over and over and over on a loop until I give in but tonight I refused to give in. I couldn't even enjoy time with dad because she called 22 times today, I know because I just counted the calls in my call log Today I just found bags of cash, dollars, coins, bonds shares in transport and God knows what else and it's just thrown in a pile and burried under lots of junk I must have $180 I'm crisp clean bills on me to take back to the hotel room tonight and anyone could have just taken it, we had maintenance people in l, the landlord and the landlords stolen stuff in the past, I really don't know what's wrong with her, we are poor and there is cash laying on the floor. I don't know what else to say, my kind is overloaded and overwhelmed
  15. sarahbeth24

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Like my whole world is falling apart and I feel trapped