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Everything posted by yourlocalwonderwoman

  1. I'm sorry to hear about this, Dicenvice. Very sorry, indeed. People who have never suffered from mental illness, try as they might, just don't get it. At least, that's been my experience. I've lost people, too, on account of my own illness (in my case depression complicated by an anxiety disorder plus PTSD). I wish I had some magic words to say that would make this all better for you right now. But I don't. I just hope you will remember that you are worth it, no matter what your wife or your mother (or anyone else) does (or doesn't) say to you. The fact that you suffer from depression does not lower your worth, or inherently change who you are as a person. You deserve happiness, and one day I believe you will find it if you don't give up on it. The people who push you away for this thing that is beyond your control (like cancer or diabetes would be if you had those ailments instead of depression), show themselves to be unworthy of your love. That's right. I'm saying if anything it is they who are unworthy of your love. Not the other way around. That might sound harsh, but I firmly believe that life is too short to waste on people who don't care enough about you to weather the storms. -YLWW
  2. irishgirlva! You sound like you're doing well, which makes me happy. :-) And precious little makes me happy these days. So see? You ARE doing some good in the world.
  3. I have decided, it might be best to respond to you privately, tami83, although I do personally relate very much to your message, -YLWW
  4. Seriously, I tried to help you, but it seems to no avail. Therefore, I give up, too (well, maybe, not always, see below). Any discussion can be continued over PM (which, for the record, I initiated) if you wish. Otherwise, best of luck. -YLWW
  5. I like it. Very much. Sometimes the only way in which one may heal, is in which all else must burn within.
  6. I don't see it that way. How can one be free by following the same old pattern everyone was following for millions of years? The same one, which is followed by every animal in the world. It seems that most are happy to have their future goals and purpose defined by their gender/sexual orientation. It's always the same. Plant a tree, build a house, grow a kid. Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. I feel trapped. I feel as a slave, carrying these invisible chains of predetermined desire which I will never be able to fully overcome. That is the essence of despair to be born in a random universe. I feel like screaming into the dark, but there's just no one there to listen. No one but myself. So I build my own values on that little fabric of freedom which I sometimes am able to squeeze out of this never ending hell, create my own beings, who would be able to appreciate the things I do and see the things I see, but how long will we able to carry through when there's no light in sight? I would die before I see my creations being corrupted by this disease. Freedom, by it's very nature, cannot dictate what we choose. Think about that. In order for freedom itself to have the inherent power to choose for us, or to imply that we must choose a certain path, would completely negate the purpose of freedom's existence. I read your post awhile back about The Matrix, and actually started re-watching this gem of a trilogy on account of your post (so sidebar, thanks, I had forgotten just how "capital 'A' awesome" this series is). Following that metaphor, the fact that Neo has a choice(as many others who came before him, although the script doesn't expressly say so, aside from the faint mention of this being the sixth iteration of the pattern) as to swallow the red pill vs. the blue pill IS still a choice, albeit still a limited one. Thus the point of my last post. While you may not agree with that choice, perhaps some of us may have swallowed the "other" pill. That does not mean that: 1) we didn't know what we were giving up by not taking the same pill you took. 2) we didn't think just as hard about that choice as you did. 3) we're not as sure about the choice we made as the choice you made. 4) we're not just as mad at 'the machine' as you for making us choose in the first place. 5) that we begrudge you any difference in opinion in choices made before, during, or since said "major choice" Granted, in this metaphor, vs, the real-life parallel that I am attempting to bridge for you, perhaps there may be many, many other colors from which we may have chosen. Green pill. Orange pill. Yellow pill. Purple pill. Pink pill. Really, who cares? The core element that we all had a choice to make, is the same. The important aspect is that we all still had the same basic human right to CHOOSE which color pill to swallow. We all still have a choice as to which life it is we are to call our own, ultimately. I pray you find peace. And I mean that most sincerely, Mr. Shadow. I hope you will accept this as a loving and kind gesture from me, as someone who took "my color" of pill, A diplomat, if you will, We are all on a journey, but perhaps not the same path leading to the same destination. Cheers, tonight. YLWW
  7. I sense a lot of anger in your posts, Mr. Shadow. I know from personal experience that sometimes anger is a protective instinct; a natural human reaction that a real or perceived threat, or violation of a boundary has occurred. We all value freedom of the mind, Mr. Shadow, although perhaps not in the same (seemingly) narrow terms by which you seem to define it. What I mean to say is, please do not immediately shortchange yourself (and the rest of us by extension) by assuming we cannot understand you simply because we have not made the same exact choice you have made towards celibacy. We all value freedom, especially as it pertains to the ability to choose one's own path. I know that I can relate very deeply and personally to that desire to choose, and therefore affect change within my own path, however different our individual choices may be. Having freedom means that we hold within us the inherent power and responsibility to choose a path for ourselves. In order to exercise that freedom, we need only choose what we feel is right for each of us personally, not to agree. Universal agreement would, in fact, undermine that freedom. You still have support here, even if we're not in exactly the same place you're in right now. YLWW
  8. Brownies. Yummy. Yeah, they are the caramel turtle kind. My favorite. After this past week I felt I deserved a little treat. :-)
  9. Well, several things, really. 1. Try to focus on the parts of my day that are still enjoyable. 2. Work towards things that will improve my situation in the long run. 3. Do what I can to make the best of a bad situation. 4. Save more of my paycheck for better peace of mind. 5. Only do things I enjoy during my free time. No extra stress allowed right now. No exceptions. Hang in there while you're still collecting the paycheck at this job. Meanwhile, start planning your exit strategy. The confidence will come once you start doing things that will provide you with a way out of this situation. PM me if you want to talk. YLWW
  10. I am intimately familiar with not wanting to go back to work. I used to love my job, but now I just feel bullied there every day. No one wants to spend their days somewhere where they aren't appreciated. So I get you. Totally.
  11. Get it clear in your head right now: No, you cannot "take it out on" her (or anyone else). Depression is not a license to abuse people. Period. Carnaxa is right. If you can't be a real friend right now, take some space from this person while you get yourself sorted out. We can't help you with the "why" part of your situation. That's for you and perhaps a therapist to figure out. I'm sure there are deeper reasons why you are behaving this way (there usually are), but that's not something we can help you dissect here knowing as little as we do. If you don't figure this thing out, you probably won't have her for a friend much longer (or anyone else). And that's not how you want to go through life.
  12. Well, you are here. So you're in the right place. You can always come here to share. You can always turn to us. I lurked a long time before I started posting much. Kind of gave me some time to get to know some of the personalities of the different people who post here. There are a lot of wonderfully insightful and supportive people here who can help lift you up. I know they've certainly helped lift me up. As Kabuto and StoniumFrog said, focus on the good. Then maybe try sharing a little of the bad with us, and perhaps it will lighten your burden a bit? I have found sharing and reading here to be an important part of my healing process. You may find some solace in that sharing as well. We are here to listen. Be careful with the alcohol and the Valium. You're smart. I don't need to tell you that it's dangerous to mix those two. Self-medicating is tempting right now because it's bringing you some small measure of relief, but there are better, healthier, and much safer ways to get relief. Try some of that sharing maybe? Or look for a therapist as one of the other posters suggested, if you don't have one already. Take a stand and a step in the direction of your recovery from depression. There is a tremendous amount of power in taking even the smallest of steps like that, so long as they are in the right direction. Welcome to DF. I hope you will post more soon. YLWW
  13. Do you have a therapist you can dig deeper into this situation with? It sounds like there's a lot more going on here that we may not be able to help you pick out without personally knowing you or your friend, or hearing a whole lot more detail about the situation. I'm not sure how much help we can be with what you've given us to work with. That said, if you don't figure out a way to stop being cruel, then your friend will (rightfully so) stop being your friend. I mean really, who wouldn't? Can you blame her? If you value this person and this friendship at all, then you need to figure out how to stop being so destructive and fast. The fact that you're aware of it is a sign that you might be able to salvage things. On the other hand, your last post saying that you "enjoy it" makes me think it might be beyond salvaging at this point. Either way, cut the crap and quit torturing this person. It's not good for either of you.
  14. I have this same problem. Distractions like tv or books can be a huge blessing for a person who has a mind with a mind of its own, as someone prone to anxiety so often does. During the work week, achieving a distraction long enough to relax my brain is all I can hope for with the precious few hours I have free after my stressful workday and commute. Doing this with Netflix is easy, and almost always does the trick. If it doesn't distract, then at least whatever I'm watching helps drown out the neverending string of distressing thoughts for a while. Writing helps me whenever I am able to concentrate enough on an idea to form coherent thoughts, or even complete stories. If I can't, then I end up frustrated and quitting before my story takes shape, even if it started out with a great idea. I've also had some luck with hobbies like knitting or gardening. Something that is easy enough to do on auto-pilot, but absorbing enough to think about if you're interested. I sometimes have to quiet my mind by splitting my attention between activities. Listening to an audiobook while knitting, for example. Someone else mentioned music. Music is excellent mind candy.
  15. Today I did laundry. picked up a bit around the house, called my mom, and made brownies.
  16. Wow, flasquish. Just, wow. I have PTSD. I've also taken Effexor before (and many other AD drugs, but I'm not sure which of those I can say for sure affected my dreams having PTSD in the mix). So I've definitely suffered some wildly vivid, disturbing dreams calling up moments from my past I'd much rather forget than have front row seats to night after night. I understand the power that such dreams can have over a person, no matter how long ago the triggering events occurred, how much healing you've done since then, or how old you are chronologically. None of that matters to the sleeping subconscious. When I finished your post, I was so angry at your parents on your behalf. I'm not sure who is worse between your overtly abusive mother and your negligent, absent father. You must be an amazingly resilient individual to have come through all of that to be here with us now.
  17. I'm sure you must be very upset. And so I hope what I say to you next isn't so much blunt as it is empowering. Dump this loser. For good. He's not worth it. You, on the other hand, most absolutely ARE worth it.
  18. Yes. I am always on a quest for self-improvement. Sometimes it is in a constructive way that brings me peace and contentment. And, sometimes, it brings only destruction. I find it to be a very delicate balance. You have to learn to recognize what is realistic and healthy as expectations go, and what isn't. Do you see a therapist? Or attend any sort of group therapy? I think those might also be people worth discussing this with in detail.
  19. Sadly, this was a theme for me as well. I think many of us depressed and anxious folk may share this.
  20. Every therapist is different. Every patient is different. Every case is different. All of the variables need to be in place in order to have the maximum benefit out of therapy, IMO. Therapy is a tremendous investment of time, energy, and money. And, if you're not 100% committed to the course of treatment your therapist has in mind for you (or even his or her style), then it's probably not going to work as well for you. What I would do is maybe make a list of goals that you would like to achieve by going to therapy. Then share those with your therapist and see how he/she responds. If the response is agreement with your goals, and a realistic conversation about how you might go about achieving them, and you like the therapist's personality/demeanor/style, then it's worth continuing for at least a few more sessions. And if it doesn't work out, don't give up! No two therapists are alike. You could go into an appointment with a new therapist with those same goals to present, and you're still you of course, and the reaction you get might be much more positive for you. Keep in mind that you are sharing some very personal things in therapy, and you will be relying on this person to listen with care and concern. Trust and comfort are critical to the success of such a relationship because without them you might, a) not tell the therapist information that might help with your treatment plan, and/or b) take the therapist seriously enough to value any advice or guidance you receive during your sessions. Best of luck to you. I have faith you will find the peace you are looking for. -YLWW
  21. Normally I would agree with you on this. I'll say though that you might give your friend the benefit of a doubt here. You may not know the entire situation involved with her mother. But ultimately, that's between your friend and her mom. And perhaps she isn't telling you the whole story because family business is often private business. However, this texting behavior while you're together and you're trying to have a conversation, is between you and your friend. So you are well within your rights to say, "You know, I enjoy our time together, but it really makes me feel _________ when you answer/read/send text messages when we're at dinner. Could you please not do that in the future? It would mean a lot to me. Thanks." Or something to that effect.
  22. I've been in an IOP program before, and it was structured like this. I was barred from seeing any other mental health practitioners while I was in their program. If your therapist referred you to this program, then he is most likely aware that your sessions with him will have to cease until you are released from the IOP. I understand the anxiety you must be feeling right now, having been through an IOP myself. It's a scary thing to basically put your life in the hands of total strangers for an indeterminate number of weeks, even if you don't have trust issues. Have you discussed with your therapist exactly why he feels an IOP is the way for you to go right now, rather than continuing your therapy with him? Perhaps you could attend additional therapy with him (say 2-3 days a week instead of just the one) if that's something that would be feasible. The IOP I attended also incorporated lectures/workshops to teach about various aspects of mental illness and coping skills. If the one you are looking at is similar, perhaps that is what your therapist is seeing as the benefit for you? Bottom line, talk to your therapist about your concerns. This is ultimately YOUR decision, and without your 100% cooperation on your plan (whatever it is) it will not work. You have to be committed to the course of therapy chosen, because you are the one who will be doing the work. The therapists and psychiatrists (and other patients in a group therapy setting) are just there to help you. Hope this helps. PM me if you want to talk. ((hugs)) YLWW
  23. You sound so disappointed. Such a shame after the triumph of yesterday. But you know whatever happened at home doesn't change how brave you are, it doesn't change the support you're getting from colleagues, and it doesn't change that you have a lot of people here who care about you.I'm not saying that to imply that whatever happened means nothing since clearly it does hold some very personal meaning for you. I'm saying that there is a limit to the amount of power that one person has over another.
  24. I'd also like to add, InFlames, that I find you to be so very brave, and marvelous, and incredibly inspiring. Your story is one of tremendous power, and one which I believe has a happy ending on the horizon. The grace and strength with which you have approached the obstacles in your path deserve more praise than I could ever personally express, and more than I'm afraid you allow yourself. But, believe me, you are doing things that millions have never possessed the courage or strength to do, no matter how difficult the way is. You are an inspiration for each of them, and the rest of us too. Maybe one day we'll even be reading your autobiography sold alongside Kristin Bell's. You're in my thoughts.
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