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  1. I've always had a mind that probed for these things, these deeper things, what's it all about and and is there a grand purpose to all of this. Many of us more instilled with a mythology that tried to explain it, but like many, when you called out for help within your belief system, no help was sent. Disappoint and disillusionment then follow and one is dumbfounded when that mythology crumbles and you then feel very alone. I still believe in a god, but my faith is hanging by thread right now as life for me has never been more difficult and my state of mind never more disturbed. I have piles and piles of religious and metaphysical books all around me that I've read that used to really inspire me, now they just gather dust. Then family becomes very important, but once you start losing them, well, then finding a purpose becomes even more difficult. I think now , trying to turn off the mind off through sleep and meditation is the best I can do. A meditation practice can be very helpful for those who are suffering, I recommend it highly.
  2. I guess that's what depression means for me today, having extremely low spirits, which makes it very hard to just exist never mind confront difficulty. I don't think I've ever been at a place where my spirits have been lower and circumstances more difficult. How does one even go on when you feel like you are on the same level as the ground emotionally and mentally? It then becomes easy to self medicate, to artificially put into oneself what one does not feel naturally. I've been depressed before, I've felt down before, I've had low motivation before, but tonight I'm putting my finger exactly on what is currently ailing me like nothing before and that is extremely low spirits. "You'll find more cheer in a grave yard" to quote the lord of the rings, then what is currently going on with my emotional state right now. I'm lonely, feeling isolated, mind is all muddled up with problems, it's an awful feeling. It's Saturday night and I'm home alone feeling terrible, how about you?
  3. Yes several times, it will definitely make you feel better temporarily, but when the next day comes you'll be in a much worse state. A hang over plus depression is pure hell. I tend to self medicate, but it only makes things worse. There seems to be no real escape from the suffering which plagues many of us,
  4. Struggling with the same issue, the mental energy just isn't there. I used to love to play guitar, do art, read, now I just kind find the enthusiasm I once had to pour myself into those things. Depression just robs you, a terrible affliction.
  5. Man my depression has been hitting me heavy lately and I don't know what to do about it. I feel peaceful for maybe a few minuets after I wake up and then it seems all the psychic machinery starts up and clicks into place and the wheels of pain start turning. I try to fight it and get inspired to do something productive but it seems like the heavy weight of inertia sits on me and I realize I don't have the mental energy to do anything. How terrible this disease is, no inspiration, no good mental energy....how can one live like this? It's easy to want to self medicate at this point just to feel differently, anything than to feel like being in this sort of dry mental desert. I've dealt with this sort of thing in the past but not quite like this, this bout is particularly difficult, where it has actually taken on a physical dimension where all I seem to have the energy for is laying on the couch in front of the TV. The couch or my bed have this gravitational pull, I keep landing on them after a little bit of activity because any sort of activity is exhausting. :verysad3:
  6. Thanks guys, it's nice to have a forum like this where one doesn't have to feel like they are the only one struggling with this disease. Being surrounded by bright happy people everyday who can't relate to what your going through can be a lonely and isolating experience. I don't post here much but maybe I should make more of an effort to do so, I need to try to connect with people in the same boat as me. I've got to fight this thing or it will defeat me utterly, but as we all know, it is a very strong adversary.
  7. So I've been struggling with depression for most of my life, mostly un medicated, aside from self medication. I've tried several anti depressants and all of them made me feel worse rather than better, granted never long term. Maybe I gave up too soon. But right now I'm experiencing a wave of depression on a whole other level. It feels like my consciousness is very constricted and I have lost all spark for life and all the hobbies I once enjoyed, I really have no mental energy for anything. I've experienced similar episodes before but this one is extremely bad and I'm willing to try meds again. Almost anything would be better than feeling like this. it's rather inexplicable really how these episodes start and why they subside. It's almost as if the stars align in a certain way for a period of time and i'm under the influence of some strange confluence. I don't really mean this literally but it might as well because of the mysterious nature of these episodes. Anyways I need to feel better....like soon. So can I get a little feedback from people who have been in the same position and which medication has worked for you? Thanks
  8. Though I'm not a Buddhist I have tremendous respect for the methodology of Buddhism, I just disagree with some of the final conclusions of the Buddhist path, like the concept of no self, no soul, and no gods. I've studied and practiced meditation and other spiritual disciples for many years and there are many similarities with all inner traditions, they just reach different conclusions but provide similar maps of consciousness. I prefer to keep my conclusions and little more free and loose, keep them more open ended rather than slamming the door on some of those ultimate questions. But having said that I think Buddhist ideas, meditation methods and mindfulness techniques and very effective. I also agree with the Buddha the root of all suffering is desire.
  9. The bible is really far from clear about suicide and hell for that matter. I believe the catholic church took huge advantage of this ambiguity and used hell as a tool for control, can you think of a more effective tool than the threat of eternal damnation? The protestants and various offspring inherited many elements from Catholicism. What's interesting is the the one who really was responsible for spreading Christianity to the world and whose letters compose the majority of the NT, Paul, never mentioned it. I suspect that the idea of hell was developed by later theologians rather than being a part of the original Jesus movement.
  10. Hi I'm not Jewish but i'm immensely interested in Kabbalah and have been studying it for some time now. I really feel the Kabbalistic paradigm really puts in the universe in a very meaningful perspective.
  11. I can resonate with you on a lot of what you've said and your attitude towards this very imperfect universe in which we inhabit and have to suffer though. I've also felt and feel inadequate in measuring up, using others as a measuring stick on what I should have attained by now ,and I'm in my 40's. I always seemed to have this carrot dangling just beyond reach that which I almost got at, but never did. At least your only in your 30's and may still find it, but when you start hitting your 40's you start really getting tired of it, like where I am right now. I think it's when you reach your 40's is when you really start some intense life evaluations and asking yourself some serious questions on the meaning of it all. I have a river of regret running through me now and wish I had done it all differently, and wish that I hadn't had such high expectations of life, this may have saved me a lot of pain and suffering. Anyways your only in your 30's and your life isn't over, don't give up yet. Life can change and you can change, try something new, try and look at life though a new lens. As there is a saying in AA, nothing changes if nothing changes, it has to come from within.
  12. Yeah I find that at this point of my life, I'm in my 40's, I simply don't have the mental energy to go out of my way to meet new people or put much energy in existing friendships. Especially since I quit drinking, which was always a good crutch and social lubricant, I find it very difficult to try and initiate new relationships and meet new people. This is difficult for me, I feel pretty isolated and not sure what to do to make my life more fulfilling. When I was younger it was much easier, now I don't really like putting myself out there all that much, I feel safer and more secure alone but at the same time very lonely. I try and immerse myself in my music and my interests but it would be nice to have some good times with people and explore relationships again.
  13. So Having depression, and also very curious, I've been driven to dig for answers. I haven't been content just accepting the stock answers from organized religion, consensus society, or academia. My pursuits have taken me in very obscure places, in subjects most mainstream people have never heard of, which can be lonely at times. I've come to the realize the uselessness of people's opinion on such matters as they are usually all over the map and are dependent on how they have been conditioned and how they filter information. So the mind of your average individual is basically a filter with all sorts of biases, preferences, prejudices etc, this is the egoic mind. Now many esoteric teachings claim they we aren't merely our egoic personalities but we also have a spiritual spark slumbering beneath the muck of the ego which we can get in touch with and live from. Groups like the Gnostics, Yogic philosophy, Kabballah, Sufism, Schools of Greek philosophy and Hermetisism have all taught these things. But these teachings have largely been lost, ignored and purposely downplayed by modern western society, which is unfortunate. For those who can't believe in mainstream religion but can't fully put their heart in the atheistic paradigm, there is a middle ground. There is basically the inner and the outer aspect to religion, the exoteric would be the outer court if you will, which serves the masses and then there is inner or esoteric court which is for those who who are more mystically oriented, who wish to know more. I see there is the atheist friendly thread, plenty of main stream religious threads, how about a thread for those more mystically oriented? Perhaps those of a like mind can share their observations about this particular paradigm? I think a spiritual approach can help one's depression, as it is a means of going beyond the narrow confines our depressed little selves and try and explore and merge with something much larger and more profound then everyday reality, which most people seem to be hopelessly chained to. Now what makes the Mystic path a little different from either athesism which is purely cerebral and based on rationalism and main stream religion which is based on belief, is the mystical path is experiential and it's knowledge is more intuitive. A different kind of knowing which essentially by passes the rational mind and one comes to knows on a deeper level, a noetic level. This particular faculty of knowledge is called Gnosis.
  14. Existential pain, I feel like a misplaced puzzle piece in search of a bigger picture in which to snap into, but it never quite fits....it never quite fits.
  15. I think Protestant, Evangelical and Catholic traditions all sort of pass on this suicide=hell message, but it really is not mentioned in the bible. I challenge anyone to point out the passage where it actually says that. Of course it seems like a good preventative message to keep people from going through with something so horrible, it certainly feels like it should be in the bible. But hell is a rather ambiguous term in the new testament, it's far from clear and is never mentioned in the old testament....mostly because the Jews of that time didn't have a conception of the afterlife until after the Babylonian captivity, but I digress.
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