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LordHaider

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About LordHaider

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  1. I have had chronic bad luck which could be considered the closest thing to this topic. It came to a point that I started recognizing the pattern. I've had a sharp eye for patterns. Even a math teacher at a school told me that I have a strong recognition for patterns. Recognizing patterns in history and society is one thing. But recognizing patterns in individual events is something totally different. This is from my own life experiences. I was born to two great parents. However my father was an alcoholic who had a strange obsession with his mother, his brothers and his in laws. More so than his own wife or children. He frequently sexually abused me until I was past ten years old. I only became aware of it at age 25. We were evicted by our landlady back in our country when I was just five years old. I witnessed the police come to evict us. Because of my father's lack of interest and co-operation, I moved homes in once city four times in my first ten years. My parents divorced when I was nine and my father abducted me and my sibling in exchange for a property my mother had invested in. It was a hard point in my life. I was also forced to undergo 'special education' during the week after school which I hated. It completely drained me out and eventually set me further back at school, but I was forced to undergo it as I was a child. My third 'special ed' teacher was also a hot head, so that made things even harder. She's even call in at home because she took the role of governess upon herself. I even engaged in bullying at school with a couple of other kids. Our 'victim' eventually left the school and I suspect it had to do with us. I think I found her on Facebook to reconcile with her, but she hasn't responded to my messages as she hasn't logged in in years. I hated my life and even considered suicide at age ten. Then in 1997 my father had survived an assignation attempt and luckily survived despite the loss of blood and his left teeth which were replaced with artificial ones. we had all sorts of people including the police stay our house. It was at age 11.5 that I finally integrated into school. I made great friends school and within months me and my best friend would visit each other. I was living with my father. I come from a privileged family, so we had housekeepers, drivers and the police to protect my father. They were all like family to me. My life completely turned around in 1997. I became so integrated by my environment. I passed my school exams with flying colors. The policemen assigned to our house to protect my father also got close to me; especially the eldest one who became my friend and companion. So did our driver. We'd spend evening walking my dog and talking. Also by this time I managed to get rid of my 'special ed' teacher. I had prank called her and given her number to the policemen and various other people. My mother was upset as this 'special ed' was her dream which she was forcing upon me. Also by this time, the conflict was now between me and my mother. Previously it was me against my father and his family. Just when I was settled in our country, she was pressuring me to move to UAE where she lived and worked, even though it was maximum two hours away by plane. I moved there in mid 1998 and attended the American School there. It was a nightmare. I was bullied and harassed. School hours were extremely long. Homework was so long. I never wanted to move to begin with. Thing turned very ugly between me and my mother. By the winter holidays I moved back to my country and resumed at my childhood school and continued in grade six. My life was back to normal for the time being. I passed my exams and graduated from the Junior School campus. (there were three campuses- kindergarten, Junior School and Senior School). I visited my mother and sister in UAE as well as our housekeeper there (who's also been like family to us) in the summer of 1999. But the conflict between me and my mother continued and she was not enthusiastic about me living in my country nor with my father whom she resented for what he did earlier. In August 1999. I was super excited and it was an important change in my life. The campus was in a quite residential area. Clean, spacious, lots of trees and shrubs. All my friends were going to be there. It was also my adolescent years. I thought all my troubles were behind me and my life was back on track. How wrong I was! Within two weeks my mother convinced me to co-operate with a 'special ed' center that she assigned to 'help me'. I agreed out of loyalty to my mother. Mother was not very encouraging. She kept hassling me to move back to UAE with her. And after a visit to Canada, she told me she found another 'special ed' place for me, but spaces are limited and so I was to quit school and move soon. I refused. No way. Awesome school. Awesome campus. All my friends were there. I even made friends outside school whom my paternal grandmother introduced me to and who'd visit me on the weekends and even spend nights. I was so well established at this point. But also at this point my grades kept slipping, thanks to this 'special ed' that my mother kept bothering me with since I was eight. I failed my midterm exams and my school principle (and old friend of my parents) advised that the school is not equipped to help me anymore. I clearly remember the last day and to my surprise my entire class was cheering for me, stating how different it was going to be with me gone. I moved to UAE and had a fairly first good six months. I took up Karate classes, had wild adventures at school. But the problem was I didn't integrate properly as I was not Arab and all my classmates were. My only real interaction at home was with out housekeeper. A year later and me, my mother and sister moved to Canada so I could catch my place at this 'special ed' school. It was full of small kids and I was a teen. I wanted to be in a regular school and even find a relationship. The move was a shock. For somebody who had a privileged life in a fully spacious house in a spacious city, Canada was something else with it's tiny houses and congested road designs. When visiting my country in 2002, I got food poisoning. But because i'd miss the first week of this ridiculous 'special ed' school, I was urged not to miss my flight to Canada. I was throwing up from my mouth and nostrils. I bore with this for four flights all the way back to Canada 😞 I was at this weird school till I was in my late teens. But high school was no better as most people there were ghetto and trash (no offense intended but it really was). I never really got to like my life in Canada despite my mother's persuasion. It was hard, expensive, cold and lengthy winters. But I mentally struggled. I pushed myself to go to school everyday and get an education. My mother was single. She had no qualification in Canada, so we all had to struggle hard. We had no housekeepers so we had to labor to keep the house clean and tidy. I had to shovel the snow. I had no friends outside school. All my books and video cassettes were back home so I had no real entertainment besides TV and Internet and flight simulator. Now I'm a huge Star Wars fan and owned the original trilogy as a kid and one spin off film. When I started Senior School, my paternal uncle had bought me the other spin-off film and my collection was complete. It was then in 2004 that when I borrowed the novels of the films that I looked up the spin-offs online that I became triggered about Senior School. I had skipped it to live in UAE and Canada with my mother. So it was then that I realized the whole time I was living my mother's life. I hated my boring and lonely life away from my country, my school (which by this point was over as most of my peers had graduated), my house and my friends. But by this time it was too late. I had clearly walked into a trap when I agreed to live with my mother since 2000. I even struggled with OCD since 2003 till 2007. My moving was the main factor. Moving during adolescence can be the worst thing. By this time I was also being driven around every weekend to look at another place to live. It was painful. I also visited my country during winter holidays and watched my Star Wars videos. It was like taking a step back into childhood. I even visited my best friend from school. I was in so much pain. My OCD made things much, much worse. My mother found an even smaller house and decided to purchase it. I was in terrible mental shape as it was. And of all places, it had to be in a core downtown area near my high school. I didn't like the idea and told my mother i'll just move back home. She was taken aback and told me she asked me something totally different. So I reluctantly agreed. We were to move there in the autumn of 2005. I struggled at school. I never liked my life since I moved out of Senior School in my country back in 2000 to UAE and onward to Canada. I just didn't know what to do with my life as there was no going back for my since school was over. Going back to my country meant living there as an adult and not the young adolescent that I was when I left. I had been really living my mother's life, not mine. My OCD which was triggered by my move was also stuck with me. If that's not bad enough, I didn't know what was wrong with me. But I still struggled. I struggled though the cold winters, I struggled through school, I struggled with my mother's complaints about how hard her life is. I visited my country again in the summer and my OCD had followed me. I talked to my mother and she said we'd be moving downtown when I get back. I didn't want to go. Moving to Canada and missing school was bad enough. Living with OCD was even worse. The idea of moving into that core downtown house, which felt more like a cabin made life just not with living. I resisted boarding my flight and my father and housekeeper told me i've made a grave mistake. My ticket was re-booked and i flew a few days later. I managed to survive all these years by watching movies and browsing the Internet and playing on my flight simulator. But none of this satisfied my cravings. My last year at high school was good, but not because of school. I made friends online who had common political goals and ideologies. I no longer felt alone. But after graduating, I didn't find college any good at all. It was in the same core downtown congested area. I hated my house, I hated my life. I missed Senior School. I dropped out of college and my mother urged to get into flight school and get on with my career. But the same problem persisted. I slept in. I showed up for flights late. My instructor wasn't pleased at all. I wasn't studying. I was late or even missed flights, causing him an inconvenience. By winter my mother arranged that we can move back uptown to our previous house. I was also heading back to my country for winter holidays as my father really wanted to see me. I returned from winter and resumed flying in the spring. I felt a new chapter open in my life. My new instructor was awesome and friendly. Very engaging. My flight skills were great and I was on my to becoming a pilot. It was all over, or was it? When I was in my country during the winter, I could finally rejoice that my negative life was behind me. My OCD had died out. But despite this, I had a nasty feeling telling me it's not over. I mean i'd been through a lot since childhood and I was almost 22. I told myself it was just superstition. But it wasn't. As I started flying in April 2008, I had also developed serious problems with caffeine. By May I encountered strong depression attacks without knowing what's causing it. By December my mother slipped in the snow and fractured her hand. By May she was all ready for us to leave Canada for good as it was not to her liking. I asked then why she convinced me to move here against my will??? How much did I suffer silently to please her? Why does she keep on moving me around? ?? I finally broke it to her how she ruined my life. By this time I got accepted into university, thanks to her help. But by this time I was also fearful of being happy. I'd never been in a relationship. I'd been dissatisfied with my entire life for all but two years of my adolescence. Also by this time, my father sold off the house he snatched from my mother so his nephew could go to college. He always obsessed over his nephew, often comparing him to me. It's like I was the nephew and he was the son. In started university in 2010 but it started to remind me of Senior School. With the lush green campus and decent students. But the coffee kept me from experiencing any emotional happiness and I kept failing because caffeine breaks focus and does not let the body rest properly. My coffee intake kept me in a depressive state and I made little progress into my career. By 2013 my coffee caused me hemorrhoids. I had no idea what they were. Luckily my mother was in Paris at the time, staying with a family friend. My sister was managing our downtown property. I was in severe pain so I walked to the hospital next to my university on a winter night and got surgery. I was relieved and I tried to resolve the fact that I stripped in front of a women. I managed to comfort myself. She did nothing sexual to me. And while she found it amusing, she saw how big I was compared to her when I got off the bed. She did it in gloves on. She advised me to cut down on my coffee intake and I swore to myself i'd stop. That was a close call. To my fortune, my mind cleared. I no longer suffered health problems, including dehydration, sleep deprivation. But best of all, my ages long depression cleared out. By the summer, I signed up for summer school and passed my first university course. 2013 was a fabulous year for me since 1999 But by fall, my mother made friends with the wrong kind of people. She got 'too close' to them and I was concerned. She was also becoming demanding again and my regret of moving in with her in 2000 never really went away. I even repeatedly told her again how I trashed away all that life had to offer me just to please her and she finally acknowledged some of it. Something inside me was also bothering me through university in 2013. While it was a miraculous year, something during 2014 would undo it all. I brushed it aside again as superstition. But I recalled how I had done it previous times before. I convinced myself it was the coffee and not bad luck. 2014 happened and by this time I was drinking Hain Celestial tea, advertised as "caffeine free" (yeah right!). I suffered from hemorrhoids by feb and march. None of the measures I took helped much to slow it down. Eating strawberries and sodium loaded popcorn only made them worse! I also suffered painful stomach blockages. I didn't know what was causing it, but by the time I noticed the connection between the tea and the continuing constipation and stomach blockages it seemed too late. I quite the tea, but the blockage was there to stay and I didn't know what do to do clear it. In April 2014, after printing some documents at a FedEx office, I headed back home in pain and stopped at a Walk-In clinic if they could help me. Something inside me told me "bad idea!" but I was in a lot of pain. A female physician offered to look me over, but I requested a male. I was directed to another room. An ugly old man staggered into the room looking confused wondering what I was doing there. Little did I know he was about to change my life. I told him the problem and suddenly got his attention. He wanted me to lean over. Without warning he sexually assaulted me with his finger. He wore no gloves and seemed very enthusiastic about doing what he did. It could not have been the first time. Only after leaving the clinic, my pain cleared, did I realize what happened. I went into a deep depressive state. I panicked. No! This can't be! Just when my life suddenly gets better. Just when I quit coffee and survived university. All those years of misery and struggle, for what??? All for this? I went home and slept. I woke up and sent emails to a cousin and friend. I felt dirty and unclean. After a couple of email exchanges, my friend offered comfort, telling me he'd been raped when he was about six years old. But that wasn't the end for me. My mother found this TCHM clinic and when I went there, the female physician did some invasive things without warning. The treatment lasted about four weeks, but my life had completely changed. I had to probably live with several instances of rape at this point. And prior to that my life was a misery. Something or the other would make my life bad. Another thought that went through my mind was me learning that my pilot instructor from 2008 was killed in a plane crash. He died in 2013. The same cheerful, full of life instructor. He was living his life as I saw on Facebook. He'd laugh, he'd joke. He was tall for his age, had a commercial pilots license. Had a loving family and girlfriend. All of it ended with a single plane crash. While such thoughts brought me relief, they do not change my life or changed all i've endured through. I practically lived no life of my own, I lived my parents life. I was born into a privileged life and made all the bad decisions. And if it wasn't me then it's always my mother interfering in my life. Despite being born privileged I lived like someone born into poverty. Living a harsh and difficult life. Always being made to do things I don't want. When I steer towards the right decisions, something goes wrong. Never been in a relationship. I got few friends but not an interactive person overall. Me predicting future events from past experiences and calling it superstition did not help me. Ever since being raped by two different physicians within two weeks, I put an evil eye charm in my room. Nothing seriously bad has happened since then, but how much good is that for someone who has to live with rape? It's like something has always been following me to make my life bad and it took it's final victory in 2014, for I have to live with the misery of what happened to me. Orderly coincidences or bad spirit? You decide.
  2. Additionally try to boost your omega-3 in take. Omega-3 helps cure OCD.
  3. For the moment switch to decaf. And don't increase the amounts. It could help you feel less addicted to it.
  4. I felt the same way too, that's what drugs do. But after quitting I actually felt better, not artificially. That stuff doesn't do you any good except artificially make you happy. You can switch to juice or something else. Quitting wasn't easy for me. I switched to decaffeinated and on certain mornings i was able to have juice instead before quitting all together. Cranberry is preferable. Anything lower in sugar.
  5. Not really. I thought that way too when I was on caffeine. Once I quit my mental health improved even more. When you drink caffeine you don't sleep properly even though you think you did you wake up the next day tired and since you didn't get proper rest, it affects your mental health, so yeah caffeine is bad for you on all levels, not just mental health.
  6. Many people post on the forums to seek assurance, including myself, for depression advice on what treatments to seek. What most people don't realize is that diet is a huge factor in mood disorders and needs to be corrected. People who have habits of consuming caffeine, alcohol etc. can never hope to fix their depression or other disorders. Caffeine contributes to anxiety and obsessive thoughts for example. Lack of omega-3 can be owed to rumination and frustration over past events. Correcting diet does not necessarily solve the entire problem but the problem cannot be properly solved until the diet is corrected. Please discuss all disorders your have and see if you are on the right diet or not. I might be starting the diet discussion but not overall participant in it.
  7. This is jut a suggestion. If you consume certain foods and skip others this could lead to a bad diet and a negative mental state. If you consume high levels of caffeine, sugar, no therapy is going to help. I suggest you quit caffeine and minimize sugar, assuming you are consuming those and suggest a boost in omega-3. But be sure to consult your doctor or at least a pharmacist on what to consume to improve your mental state. Omega-3 is a strong source of controlling bad thoughts, but again research this online and talk to an expert. This combined with therapy should have good results.
  8. If you are a regular caffine consumer and OCD sufferer, then give it up. Caffine is a strong contributer to anxiety and OCD. You shouldn't be consuming caffine regardless, as it contributes to forgetfulness, dehydration, bad sleeping habbits, anxiety, upsetness and other negative feelings such as guilt, shame etc. If you suffer from any kind of OCD, overcoming them will be much more difficult due to caffine. Caffine might not cause your OCD, but it definately is a strong contributer and is also impossible to overcome OCD while consuming caffine. You might not overcome OCD by consuming caffine, but you can be sure the symtoms won't be as bad as while drinking caffine.
  9. Coffee or any other product with highly concentrated caffeine only aggravates obsessive/upsetting thoughts and can set anxiety out of control. I'm sure not every OCD sufferer is a caffeine drinker and it doesn't mean the entire problem is solved by quitting coffee but it helps a lot. I tried switching to decaffeinated coffee and that doesn't make much of a difference. It doesn't matter if your OCD is pure-o or ritualistic. If you have caffeine flavored drinks, your OCD is only going to worsen. You can also look this up this if uncertain.
  10. Dear Helene, I am sorry for your loss and I like how you describe the depression as a "hole." I am in a similar situation so you are not alone. I desrcribe this situation as bubble that I'm trapped inside, a bubble that I can poke through and feel temporary happiness, but not one I can burst through. I wish you best of luck in overcoming your depression and advise you to turn to natural remedies instead of smoking. Consult your doctor or a pharmascist on some natural solutions. Hypnosis would also be a good option, but I reccomend you consult a docter or psychologist first.
  11. I know this is an old topic, but anyone who suffers from OCD can use this method to feel much better/less emotional about their OCD. In some cases your OCD will dissolve permenantaly, in other cases it will still be there, but you don't feel emotional/anxious at all about it. You just dissmiss it as a stupid thought. Please do watch this man's video, he has good experience in the field and has helped many people overcome their OCD: 'Please pm for video'
  12. I'm not to bad thanks. Sorry to know you're unwell.

    I've found new material on OCD, but instead of posting only the links, I'll quote it in the forum. Get well soon. Regards.

  13. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

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