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About Michael1985

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  • Birthday 03/10/1985

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  1. I'm posting here because I can't take this anymore. For a few years now, I've been having intrusive flashbacks. These are not related to major traumatic like events like is so common with PTSD, but rather having almost exclusively to do with inappropriate, shameful, or even silly and embarrassing things that happened in my younger years that I have come to regret later on in life as I have gotten older and become more mature. While there seem to be some particular memories that recur much more frequently than others, I do not wish to elaborate on any of them here because there are quite a few of them, and there's no saying which one may come up at any particular moment. I will clarify that I mean nothing illegal, and for the most part, nothing that would be considered sinful in the religious sense. I have heard, although I do not recall where, that the human brain retains certain unpleasant memories as a form of learning experiences. While I do believe there is value in that, it is certainly no fun to be going merrily along in my day and suddenly out of nowhere comes something about what I am doing in that moment may trigger, even seemingly unrelated memory of something, for example, that I did in my early teen years that I should not have. As I relive that memory over again, I am all too often thrust into a short panic attack as my brain tries in vain to process the memory and return to the present. After a few brief moments, it's all over. It feels by now that this is happening almost on a daily basis. I do not believe this actually constitutes a kind of PTSD, but it's hard not draw a few comparisons, if nothing else, to the feeling of panic and trauma that people who genuinely have that can feel, even on a smaller scale. I often feel like most people can look back and laugh at themselves for how they acted in their youth. How I dearly wish I could do the same. The only relief I have ever gotten from this is the few times I have encountered specific individuals associated with my past foolishness in public, and they do not seem to remember or recognize me. It means that what I did cannot possibly be brought up again by anyone other than my brain that can't seem to let go, and that I cannot face further consequences for my actions. Any thoughts or suggestions?
  2. I'm really hating my tendency to beat myself up over small things that I didn't do when I had a chance. It's not healthy. Anyway, it started a couple of days ago. I saw an event notice on Facebook. Matt, the lead pastor for the Christian ministry at my old university would be retiring. Sunday would be his last service, and there would be a celebration of the service that he and his wife Sandra had given over the past 16 years. I checked my work schedule, and it allowed me to go. I was eager to do this and honour them properly. But then I remembered something. There was this girl I'll call E. I'd had a huge unreturned crush on her while she and I were students together. I had last seen her on campus for an alumni night two years ago, and it was really obvious she still had a massive hold on me. It left me feeling extremely frustrated that she would still have me wrapped around her finger after several years, knowing she didn't feel the same way. I wasn't averse to seeing her again per se, but really didn't want a repeat of the same frustration. Anyway, I went tonight. There were not a lot of graduates returning that I knew. I did say hello and talk to some of them. E was not there tonight. It allowed me to relax and enjoy the evening. It was a mix of great joy and laughter with some of the funny stories shared about Pastor Matt, but also sadness at knowing we would be losing a great leader and mentor. But anyhow, the other pastor involved with the ministry, Pastor James, had mentioned that they were putting together a book of thank you notes and well wishes for Pastor Matt, and invited me to write something for him. I decided to think about what to say and then write something in later. At the end, dessert was served and more casual chatting capped off the night. I left soon enough, taking care to thank Pastor Matt and his wife for what they'd done. But on the drive home, my heart dropped. I realized what I forgot to do. I neglected to leave a note in the book. I got home and immediately did the other thing I planned to do, posting a FB status thanking Matt and Sandra for everything again. Yet I was and still am very bothered by my failure to add a note of my own to the book. Here's why that bothered me. The university ministry puts on a celebration for graduating students every year. Each graduate is given a large card that is signed by others involved in the group. I received one during my grad celebration in 2012, and it's my most important keepsake from my time there, It's a tangible reminder of the fellowship I got to share with others. I still remember E frantically chasing after me at the end of the evening that night because she had not signed mine. Anyhow, to have received something like that and failed to particpate in doing something similar for Pastor Matt on his departure does not seem right or fair to me. He knows how I appreciate everything he did for me as well as countless other students, and probably will not notice or really care that a note from me is not in that book. He was just really glad that I had even been there tonight. Tonight and the alumni night I referred to earlier are the only times I'd shown up at a ministry gathering since graduation. Former students are always welcome and encouraged to return whenever they wished, and I think Pastor Matt would have liked me to be around more often than I was. Basically, I've gone from serious anxiety over something that is probably no big deal in the end to really being angry with myself for something that's probably no big deal I can think of a couple of opportunities I might have to still get a note into that book yet, even if doing it tonight would have been more appropriate. Nonetheless, I still can't stop thinking about this, and how I can't just enjoy the evening for what it was, and let it be oevershadowed by at first, the potential of what could have happened, and then,what should have happened, but didn't. :( Any thoughts?
  3. I've heard that so many times too. Emotions including depression are not a choice. That's total and complete ignorance. Depression's a product of chemical reactions in the brain, not simply something a person decides to feel. It's nothing to feel guilty over, and if I were you, I would seriously consider finding a different congregation to belong to.
  4. I would recommend giving up the paid sites. You're throwing money away if they're not getting you anywhere. I would keep accounts at free sites open because there's nothing to gain by closing down a potential avenue for getting what you want.
  5. Some months ago, I met a girl, G, on an internet forum. I sound found out that she was immediately attracted to me. There was an instant connection. However, g is quite young, and her attention soon turned elsewhere. Throughout it all, I stayed her friend, and tried to treat her as well as I could. She and I were open fairly quickly about our thoughts on sex, and some of the discussions I had were quite arousing. And I guess it's all too obvious that when two people are effectively friends with benefits, even in this case cyber benefits, one person is bound to become interested in a relationship. And soon enough, my heart fluttered. Her attention was elsewhere, and I stayed on as a friend, clinging to the fact that she was still attracted to me, and also reminded of the fact that she and I are wrong for each other in some ways, including a substantial age difference. But a little while ago, things changed. I later settled into a comfortable friendship with her. She had explored a few real life relationships, but nothing really panned out. I have never dissuaded her from doing so because I think local relationships are much more sustainable than long distance ones. It was during one recent one that while kissing some other guy, she realized she wanted to try what he was doing with her with me. She soon fell hard, very hard, for me. I still thought very dearly of her, and since then, we've been all but officially a couple. I'm still somewhat guarded towards her, mindful of the 1700 miles of distance and the age difference, among other things. But there are enough feelings on my end that I will happily date her if the distance were eliminated. I absolutely am not using G for companionship or sexual pleasure or what have you. Meanwhile, there's something interesting that has just happened. A while back, I ran into an intriguing profile for a young woman, T, on a dating site. She had freely invited others to add her to Facebook, so I took her up on that. She accepted. Some two weeks later, I recalled that I had not done as I normally do when requests are confirmed and thanked T for adding me. She failed to recall where we knew each other from, and I explained, which lead to some "get to know you" small talk.Just over a week ago, I sent another message to say hello and ,mentioned her recent birthday. She told me that she had a bf, but that she thought that we should get together sometime. I really liked the idea because I have so few real life friendships, mainly because my mental health makes me feel like there's no good place for me to fit in socially with any group of people. Besides, I think I'd rather have an in-person friendship with someone than online anytime. T messaged me again today, saying she was splitting with her guy and wanted to make plans with me to meet up. We're going for coffee next week. I have two questions here. The first is what to make of T's motives, because I see a few possibilities. She could be just letting me know about the end of her relationship as an update, and she's acting on what she said before. The second is that the end of her relationship could be encouraging her to pursue friendship with me because it would no longer look bad. The third is this could be a romantic gesture on her part. I don't know that there's any way of being sure until Monday, but my curiosity's piqued anyway. The second thing is how to handle G. I have always made it clear to her that I don't want her turning down other opportunities for happiness given the distance and the fact it will be a couple of years before that distance could be bridged. She had never been bothered by me looking for other opportunities either, but her recent shift towards me makes me question whether she still feels that way. My plan for now is to keep this coffee meetup with T from G, and then mention something if things went from there. Thoughts?
  6. So I've long considered my depression as a product of two factors. The first is an unhappiness with where my life is relative to where I'd like it to be, and the second is the lack of a significant other. And until fairly recently, I had always assigned start dates that prompted this unhappiness. I had said that it was in the spring of 2009 when I realized how unhappy I was over where I was in life, and had always attributed my desire for a significant other as starting in 2008, after being led on by a CF troll into thinking I had something that never existed at all. But lately I've been wondering if those dates are wrong. I'm starting to realize the desire for a relationship was much earlier, begin some time between 2005-2006. But even still, there is no ahah! moment where I went from being ok with singlehood to being miserable. After all, I graduated high school in 2003 completely unbothered by the lack of romance in my life. I now wonder that although the collapse in mental health regarding my place in life really was the spring of 2009, whether it could be possible if the seeds of that collapse weren't planted years earlier, at around the time the need for a girlfriend became so prevalent in my life. Thus, the desire for a girlfriend could be a direct product of that unhappiness. I'm not saying that having a mate could make all that misery and depression instantly vanish, but that a girlfriend would give me that guaranteed motive and ray of happiness that would make things more bearable and give me reason to keep going no matter how difficult things may otherwise be. Any thoughts?
  7. I'm posting here because I've suspected myself of having ADD for a few months now. There are a few reasons I believe this to be so. The first is that I have a tough time focusing on things. I'm not working as much as I'd like, and my daily routine consists of time mostly spent on a combination of homework, television, chores, internet, homework, and such. And it often seems as if I never spend more than ten minutes at a time at each. I do spend too much time surfing the web, but when I do, it's like I shift from site to site to site and around and around in circles, never spending anymore than a few minutes at a time at each. I've completed my BA, but it was a real struggle, and think a big part, although not the whole thing was due to an inability to pay attention to my assignments. And one cannot forget my wonderful capacity to lose or misplace things. I pride myself on being punctual for work and other appointments, but typically when I'm not, its because I've managed to misplace my wallet or my keys or something. The misplacing thing happens multiple times a week. And I was once asked by a former coworker one time why I'm always looking my watch, and I think it's because I'm needing to break up my shift at work more frequently than the alloted breaks One may wonder why I would only be considering this now at my age. Well, it's because I had a lot of medical issues stemming from a very premature birth, and I don't think anyone in my family ever saw them as a real concern. And if things were noticed at all, they have always been seen as a direct product of those medical issues, and a separate disorder like ADD was never considered until I started wondering But these same medical issues are a partial explanation for why I'm still living with family at my age, and that's causing a huge problem in dealing with this. If I said anything about suspecting ADD to anyone, it would more than likely be dismissed. It's compounded by what happened a few years ago when my maternal gradfather passed away. It was the first death in the family in more than 20 years, and I became exposed to the reality of death really for the first time. This unleashed in me a bout of severe hypochondria that lasted for several months, and even though it's much better now, I still consider myself more concscious of my own mortality than most people. So with regards to ADD, I'd just worry as well that beyond just dismissing it, my family might also see it as that hypochondria of a few years ago rearing its head again. Thoughts?
  8. It started several years ago. I met a woman on an internet forum I'll call K. She wasn't a hugely important friend to me, but I soon wondered if I was slightly more than a friend to her. I dismissed these thoughts a couple of months later after she got into an LDR. Fast forward at least a year, and K is a fwe days away from marrying the man. There seemed to be some confusion on my part about how she and I understood each other's attitude toward s one another, It was then that I found out those early suspicions ewre correct. I was devestated, and cut contact. The could have been, should have been feelings would not go away. I was the one she had wanted, but she went wth someone else. I did not have feelings per se for her, but had thought well of her, and would have happily taken up had I known my suspicions were correct. I was so upset about it that I thought about it every day for the next several months. Earlier this year, out of sheer loneliness, UI made contact with her. For the next while, things were just like they'd always been, if not better. Chatting and messages were frequent, almost every day. We even video chatted on Skype once, something she and I had wanted for a while. But after a fwe weeks, it came crashing down. I guess she was still incapable of seeing me as a just a friend. This time, the parting was amicable. Then something I happened a few weeks ago. She and I were now active at a different internet forum that she had introduced me to. There was a thread seeking prayer because of some medical issues she was having. One of the replies from the site admins struck a chord with me, and I contacted K out of concern. It turns out she and I have some serious commonalities with out medical histories, and after hearing what she has told me, seems the docs she's dealing with aren't being helpful. It's frustrating for both of us, This is all making me so sick. If she had dated me like she always wanted, she'd be with me now, having access to dos who treated me, and could take her seriously. And the common medical history is an attraction point, as crazy as it sounds. I know I must respect her marriage, even thought she hasn't always been the happiest in that relationship. But the "we'd both be far better off if only things had been different" will not leave me alone.... Thoughts?
  9. I've talked often here about my excessive unhappiness over never having been in a relationship. But it has occurred to me recently that I really have no clear idea of how that even started. I know that when I graduated high school in 2003, it wasn't an issue for me. I used to wonder if it may have all started when I was scammed into believing I had some kind of LDR with a woman whom I found out later was an internet troll and faking it all the whole time, lying about everything. That was 2008, but I know in looking back it started sooner, some point between 2005 and 2007. Yet, I cannot identify any particular moment in time when it went from being something that I didn't have strong feelings about one way or the other, to something that soon became some sort of obsession. I've often wondered if there's any way to figure out when it may have started, or if it matters at all. Knowing when my thoughts on it changed may be a useful tool to helping overcome this, but I can't imagine myself doing a 180 on the matter just for finding that out. It would take finding other things that could help fill that void, including a fairly strong social life. I have no clue where to begin with that. Any thoughts?
  10. Je parle un peu de francais. Je veux que je suis bilangue. I also wish I had more of a knowledge of Hebrew.
  11. Only a weirdo like me would be looking to watch Olympic events from earlier this year now. Anyway, I cannot find the men's curling final online anywhere. The only video I have of it has Russian commentators. It's ridiculous.
  12. People who use bad grammar. Argh!
  13. I hate it when I have romantic dreams. When no guy on Earth struggles with singleness more than I do, they can be really tough to take sometimes.
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