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About Michael1985

  • Birthday 03/10/1985

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    British Columbia

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  1. I am frustrated about something at work. :(
  2. So shortly after the Christmas holidays, I went to check my schedule and found I had no work hours going forward. I was working at Walmart at the time, and really did not like it. So I decided I'd just go hunting for another job. After a great deal of hunting, I tracked down work with a large grocery chain here in Canada, Superstore. It was very similar to what I'd done in the past with Walmart and other previous jobs. Certainly not what I'd been wanting to do, but it would at least allow me to earn money again and not rely all what savings I have to make ends meet. Meanwhile, I'm struggling to get what I consider my dream job with the local school district, a clerical position to be a school library assistant. I have all the required acdemic credentials to apply, but I fall short on the typing speed requirement. A couple of weeks back, I saw on Facebook that the school district was advertising for the position in question. I left a comment saying that I wished I could apply but my typing speed was not up to par. Basically I hover around 43 WPM and this requires 50. Soon thereafter, I received a message from a former coworker named Sara who'd actually been my inspiration for going to school to complete the academic program and pursue that line of work. She asked me about my comment and encouraged me to keep trying. So I went in today to officially quit Walmart and talked to a manager because this new grocery job starts in a few days. I was aghast. I had unbeknownst to me indeed been put back on the schedule a couple of weeks prior. She said she had tried contacting me a few times to no avail. I was profusely apologetic and felt and still do feel horrible about it. I don't blame either my employer or myself, but if one wanted to assign blame that it could go on both sides as well. The manager in question did tell me that if things did not work at Superstore that she would be willing to take me back on at Walmart while telling me not to feel bad about the miscommunication that occured. I was very grateful for that. Unfortunately, I think what happened is going to bother me for at least a few days because I can't make sense of it. To be honest, I don't think I'm really going to be any happier at Superstore than at Walmart because either one is nothing more to me than a job to collect I think it is going to take doing something completely different or close that 7 WPM gap in my typing speed that I need to get what I really want. I've been practicing a lot lately because nothing is more of a motivator than she who prompted me to start on that journey nudging me along to get that. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
  3. Lonely. Also wanting to run away from my whole life and never come back.
  4. Her dating site profile had publicly listed what city she was from, and I was just surmising from that what college she had attended. I'm still surprised that she would have been put off by that. I hadn't looked for her Facebook page at that point. I still believe that not contacting her via Facebook is best. I seem to caused enough problems simply making an educated guess.
  5. It was back in the fall I was stunned by an e-mail notification. I got a message at my seldom-used POF dating site profile. I don't remember her screen name any longer, but her first name starts with S, so that is how I will refer to her here. There was a lot to like, mainly her keen interest in history, and that was the main focus of our conversation. She also liked to talk about psychology, and I was happy to do that to, having taken psychology courses in high school and university. I tended to ask general interest questions, and quite liked I was impressed that she had a job as a cook. We shared a common faith which is a big plus. And of course, I was very attracted to her. It wasn't 100%, as she is out of town, albeit much closer to me geographically then some of the other women I've known online. S is also a little bit younger than I care for, but if she did not object to a slight age difference, then who was I to argue. I quite enjoyed the messages we shared over a short two or three week period, but then close to Christmas, S abruptly deleted her account and never returned. I was disappointed. It was around this time, I did something I perhaps should not have done and tracked her down on Facebook. I don't recall exact search terms, but it's crazy what one can do on there with just a first name and location. I've done nothing more in the way of cyber-stalking, and to be fair, there's not a lot in what's publically available than a few pictures and some basic information she'd sharing with me in our messages. I've had the decency not to even try to contact S or add her as a friend. I learned the hard way a number of years ago how wrong that is. Also, at one point in the course of our conversation, she asked me where I'd gone for university, and I made an educated guess about where she'd gone based on where her profile listed her as being from, and this was before I found her on Facebook. She seemed a bit taken aback and slightly put off. It was just so refreshing to have a member of the opposite sex who wanted to get to know me better for friendship or possibly more. I even had a dream about her last week. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm a hormonal teenager half my age, and not a lonely guy well into his thirties. So pathetic...
  6. Serious anxiety, depair, and suicidal ideation about my job. 😞
  7. I find myself with a constant urge to sever ties to so many aspects of my life. I want to quit my job that makes me miserable when I have nothing to replace it with. I want to pack up and leave and find somewhere new to live with no idea of where I would go or how I would support myself. Moving out of town to get away from it all would be ideal, but I'd bsically be pointing at a random spot on a map for guidance about where to move to. I'm wanting to find new hobbies that might make myself happier instead of being idle and sedentary, even quitting longtime involvement with other message board sites. But unless my life gets busier, I run the risk of going right back to how things were. In short, I constantly want to walk away from old ways of living and old habits without having a means of replacing them with anything more meaningful or things that would make me happier. I'm reminded a lot of one of my aunts who had signficant health challenges a number of years ago who would sometimes vent by saying "I want to run away and never come back!" This is how my life has felt on every level for a very long time, and I don't know how to fix it. While I feel there's a lot of good in wanting to cut ties with certain aspects of life that hold me down, those ties at some level have to be replaced with something better or else I'll be stuck. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
  8. Thank you for the like on my thread. 🙂

    1. Camellia


      U are most welcome 🙂

  9. This all started about ten years ago or so. I sent a visitor message to an Australian member of another site whose profile had intrigued me for some time. Anyhow, she wasted no time sending me a PM in reply. It seemed the attraction on both our parts was instantaneous. It wasn’t long before we were having regular and frequent conversations about anything and everything on this site, Skype, and cell phone texting. I was smitten, and so was she. It was plenty of fun, and we had enough in common to make it work. And it came at a time for me when I was believing that nearly everyone else I had ever met online absolutely hated my guts. I didn’t care if I had to stay up until 3 a.m. like I found myself doing on occasion to converse with her. I felt loved and appreciated like no one else did, a stark contrast to so many She was like a light in a very, very dark world for me at that time, and the idea of starting a new life far away was incredibly alluring. But there was a problem. She wanted me to move to join her there, as she was unwilling to relocate. This was no more doable for me than it was for her. When I finally did get to finishing my undergrad degree a year and a half later, it came with a personal bombshell about my sister leaving home and cutting ties with the entire family for reasons that are still somewhat unclear. There was no way I could now destroy my ties with family to go across the globe chasing some woman I knew only online. Sensing that it wouldn’t be working, we began to drift apart at that point. She wasn’t going to be holding out, and I eventually took up with someone else from the site in question who was attracted to me and who wasn’t going to push me to move most of the way across the planet. She was great, and I grew to have feelings for her too, but at the same time, knew it wasn’t what or whom I wanted. The window for pursuit of that first woman is long over. She found someone else, and married. I eventually placed her on ignore both there and on Facebook to help minimize the pain of what could have been if life circumstances had been different. But this has come with one additional problem. There is an additional trigger, not just her, but the country from which she hails. I absolutely hate pretty much any reference I ever run across to the land of Australia because it reminds me of this. Perhaps it is the idea of moving to a far-flung land to start a new life with someone who meant everything to me that I can’t get past. Every reference to the country as a whole really triggers me, as do references to the specific city or state she hails from. And if I never have to hear “Waltzing Matilda” again, it will be too soon. References to other specific cities there are bearable, but just barely. This is so darn unhealthy, and I really need to find a way to get past it. It is this second trigger that I need help with so much, and any suggestions may be appreciated.
  10. I'm posting here because I can't take this anymore. For a few years now, I've been having intrusive flashbacks. These are not related to major traumatic like events like is so common with PTSD, but rather having almost exclusively to do with inappropriate, shameful, or even silly and embarrassing things that happened in my younger years that I have come to regret later on in life as I have gotten older and become more mature. While there seem to be some particular memories that recur much more frequently than others, I do not wish to elaborate on any of them here because there are quite a few of them, and there's no saying which one may come up at any particular moment. I will clarify that I mean nothing illegal, and for the most part, nothing that would be considered sinful in the religious sense. I have heard, although I do not recall where, that the human brain retains certain unpleasant memories as a form of learning experiences. While I do believe there is value in that, it is certainly no fun to be going merrily along in my day and suddenly out of nowhere comes something about what I am doing in that moment may trigger, even seemingly unrelated memory of something, for example, that I did in my early teen years that I should not have. As I relive that memory over again, I am all too often thrust into a short panic attack as my brain tries in vain to process the memory and return to the present. After a few brief moments, it's all over. It feels by now that this is happening almost on a daily basis. I do not believe this actually constitutes a kind of PTSD, but it's hard not draw a few comparisons, if nothing else, to the feeling of panic and trauma that people who genuinely have that can feel, even on a smaller scale. I often feel like most people can look back and laugh at themselves for how they acted in their youth. How I dearly wish I could do the same. The only relief I have ever gotten from this is the few times I have encountered specific individuals associated with my past foolishness in public, and they do not seem to remember or recognize me. It means that what I did cannot possibly be brought up again by anyone other than my brain that can't seem to let go, and that I cannot face further consequences for my actions. Any thoughts or suggestions?
  11. I'm really hating my tendency to beat myself up over small things that I didn't do when I had a chance. It's not healthy. Anyway, it started a couple of days ago. I saw an event notice on Facebook. Matt, the lead pastor for the Christian ministry at my old university would be retiring. Sunday would be his last service, and there would be a celebration of the service that he and his wife Sandra had given over the past 16 years. I checked my work schedule, and it allowed me to go. I was eager to do this and honour them properly. But then I remembered something. There was this girl I'll call E. I'd had a huge unreturned crush on her while she and I were students together. I had last seen her on campus for an alumni night two years ago, and it was really obvious she still had a massive hold on me. It left me feeling extremely frustrated that she would still have me wrapped around her finger after several years, knowing she didn't feel the same way. I wasn't averse to seeing her again per se, but really didn't want a repeat of the same frustration. Anyway, I went tonight. There were not a lot of graduates returning that I knew. I did say hello and talk to some of them. E was not there tonight. It allowed me to relax and enjoy the evening. It was a mix of great joy and laughter with some of the funny stories shared about Pastor Matt, but also sadness at knowing we would be losing a great leader and mentor. But anyhow, the other pastor involved with the ministry, Pastor James, had mentioned that they were putting together a book of thank you notes and well wishes for Pastor Matt, and invited me to write something for him. I decided to think about what to say and then write something in later. At the end, dessert was served and more casual chatting capped off the night. I left soon enough, taking care to thank Pastor Matt and his wife for what they'd done. But on the drive home, my heart dropped. I realized what I forgot to do. I neglected to leave a note in the book. I got home and immediately did the other thing I planned to do, posting a FB status thanking Matt and Sandra for everything again. Yet I was and still am very bothered by my failure to add a note of my own to the book. Here's why that bothered me. The university ministry puts on a celebration for graduating students every year. Each graduate is given a large card that is signed by others involved in the group. I received one during my grad celebration in 2012, and it's my most important keepsake from my time there, It's a tangible reminder of the fellowship I got to share with others. I still remember E frantically chasing after me at the end of the evening that night because she had not signed mine. Anyhow, to have received something like that and failed to particpate in doing something similar for Pastor Matt on his departure does not seem right or fair to me. He knows how I appreciate everything he did for me as well as countless other students, and probably will not notice or really care that a note from me is not in that book. He was just really glad that I had even been there tonight. Tonight and the alumni night I referred to earlier are the only times I'd shown up at a ministry gathering since graduation. Former students are always welcome and encouraged to return whenever they wished, and I think Pastor Matt would have liked me to be around more often than I was. Basically, I've gone from serious anxiety over something that is probably no big deal in the end to really being angry with myself for something that's probably no big deal I can think of a couple of opportunities I might have to still get a note into that book yet, even if doing it tonight would have been more appropriate. Nonetheless, I still can't stop thinking about this, and how I can't just enjoy the evening for what it was, and let it be oevershadowed by at first, the potential of what could have happened, and then,what should have happened, but didn't. :( Any thoughts?
  12. I've heard that so many times too. Emotions including depression are not a choice. That's total and complete ignorance. Depression's a product of chemical reactions in the brain, not simply something a person decides to feel. It's nothing to feel guilty over, and if I were you, I would seriously consider finding a different congregation to belong to.
  13. I would recommend giving up the paid sites. You're throwing money away if they're not getting you anywhere. I would keep accounts at free sites open because there's nothing to gain by closing down a potential avenue for getting what you want.
  14. Some months ago, I met a girl, G, on an internet forum. I sound found out that she was immediately attracted to me. There was an instant connection. However, g is quite young, and her attention soon turned elsewhere. Throughout it all, I stayed her friend, and tried to treat her as well as I could. She and I were open fairly quickly about our thoughts on sex, and some of the discussions I had were quite arousing. And I guess it's all too obvious that when two people are effectively friends with benefits, even in this case cyber benefits, one person is bound to become interested in a relationship. And soon enough, my heart fluttered. Her attention was elsewhere, and I stayed on as a friend, clinging to the fact that she was still attracted to me, and also reminded of the fact that she and I are wrong for each other in some ways, including a substantial age difference. But a little while ago, things changed. I later settled into a comfortable friendship with her. She had explored a few real life relationships, but nothing really panned out. I have never dissuaded her from doing so because I think local relationships are much more sustainable than long distance ones. It was during one recent one that while kissing some other guy, she realized she wanted to try what he was doing with her with me. She soon fell hard, very hard, for me. I still thought very dearly of her, and since then, we've been all but officially a couple. I'm still somewhat guarded towards her, mindful of the 1700 miles of distance and the age difference, among other things. But there are enough feelings on my end that I will happily date her if the distance were eliminated. I absolutely am not using G for companionship or sexual pleasure or what have you. Meanwhile, there's something interesting that has just happened. A while back, I ran into an intriguing profile for a young woman, T, on a dating site. She had freely invited others to add her to Facebook, so I took her up on that. She accepted. Some two weeks later, I recalled that I had not done as I normally do when requests are confirmed and thanked T for adding me. She failed to recall where we knew each other from, and I explained, which lead to some "get to know you" small talk.Just over a week ago, I sent another message to say hello and ,mentioned her recent birthday. She told me that she had a bf, but that she thought that we should get together sometime. I really liked the idea because I have so few real life friendships, mainly because my mental health makes me feel like there's no good place for me to fit in socially with any group of people. Besides, I think I'd rather have an in-person friendship with someone than online anytime. T messaged me again today, saying she was splitting with her guy and wanted to make plans with me to meet up. We're going for coffee next week. I have two questions here. The first is what to make of T's motives, because I see a few possibilities. She could be just letting me know about the end of her relationship as an update, and she's acting on what she said before. The second is that the end of her relationship could be encouraging her to pursue friendship with me because it would no longer look bad. The third is this could be a romantic gesture on her part. I don't know that there's any way of being sure until Monday, but my curiosity's piqued anyway. The second thing is how to handle G. I have always made it clear to her that I don't want her turning down other opportunities for happiness given the distance and the fact it will be a couple of years before that distance could be bridged. She had never been bothered by me looking for other opportunities either, but her recent shift towards me makes me question whether she still feels that way. My plan for now is to keep this coffee meetup with T from G, and then mention something if things went from there. Thoughts?
  15. So I've long considered my depression as a product of two factors. The first is an unhappiness with where my life is relative to where I'd like it to be, and the second is the lack of a significant other. And until fairly recently, I had always assigned start dates that prompted this unhappiness. I had said that it was in the spring of 2009 when I realized how unhappy I was over where I was in life, and had always attributed my desire for a significant other as starting in 2008, after being led on by a CF troll into thinking I had something that never existed at all. But lately I've been wondering if those dates are wrong. I'm starting to realize the desire for a relationship was much earlier, begin some time between 2005-2006. But even still, there is no ahah! moment where I went from being ok with singlehood to being miserable. After all, I graduated high school in 2003 completely unbothered by the lack of romance in my life. I now wonder that although the collapse in mental health regarding my place in life really was the spring of 2009, whether it could be possible if the seeds of that collapse weren't planted years earlier, at around the time the need for a girlfriend became so prevalent in my life. Thus, the desire for a girlfriend could be a direct product of that unhappiness. I'm not saying that having a mate could make all that misery and depression instantly vanish, but that a girlfriend would give me that guaranteed motive and ray of happiness that would make things more bearable and give me reason to keep going no matter how difficult things may otherwise be. Any thoughts?
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