ladysmurf

tired, but i am going to try to go out for a while.........have a good weekend everyone

but we are still here..

I keep repeating inside my mind for weeks/months now about how much I failed in this life..... I ignored the guy I liked....he ended up dating some other girl...and yet he tells me he still thinks of me....but I lied and told him I don't see him like that....damn I hate this illness..

what's the point of going on?

i went for a walk and that was OK, slept for much of the day, now just wasting time online..

I think lots of people probably secretly care of you sober and you have no idea. Sometimes people who have been such a help/support for us, and they are no longer in our lives we still thank life for bringing them to us. (At least I do) I had some really good inspiring teachers, co-workers, classmates, that I no longer see due to my isolation and I feel like a loser so I have not reached out to them in years, but they are on my mind, and i thank life our paths crossed because they taught me some really good lessons about life. I wish if I didn't have so much anxiety and didn't feel like a loser I could go hug them and thank them for the support they gave me in my past but I cant. A lot of the things I learned from them have become helpful for me in order to survive all these years.

Me too!! when i felt better, i was more "useful" to people. don't get me wrong i loved helping people if i could at work, school, volunteer, i never really demanded that they repay me back because people helped me along the way too and I'm grateful for that.... but once i started falling apart, i saw people who I thought were my FRIENDS slowly disappear out of my life. that hurt the most!! the people at work and school i usually offered to help , but to see your friends walk away from you and disappear because you are no longer the strong person you once were , boy that hurt a lot let me tell you..the worst part is that i lost my ex-boyfriend when i got sick, at first i was mad and angry, how can a person who says they love you leave you right? but after a while i realized it was for the best. you don't need people who can't understand you ..in your life.. i'm okay with being alone, and dying alone..many people are selfish and just want to use you for their own benefits..it's hard to meet good people so i gave up on it. a lot of people believe that it's better to be alone, and happy than with the wrong people, so i believe that too.

duck, honestly that's the best thing!!! i cried for like 1 hour today, and then i said f*** this and went out to my favorite store..it was only for like 30-40 minutes, but still i don't care. it's better than nothing....this illness destroyed my life , but there are days when i beat her..and laugh in her face..

i feel the same way 😞

i had a bunch of weird nightmares...now i am going to try and go for a walk..pretty soon i wont be able to because the weather will get colder, and i am not a big fan of the fall/winter..it brings me down so i might as well take advantage of it before its too late.. i hope everyone has a good weekend.

i hear you. i get like that some days, but make sure you push yourself to brush your teeth. dealing with dentists cost a fortune..many people leave the country and go to other cheap places to get their teeth fixed because its so expensive here in the US

slept most of the day, hopeless as usual.......

why can't there be any relief for some of us?? why?

Women can be jealous and weird too. I had 2 female friends in their 30s who waited until they got married for religious reasons. Other women are called names if they have too many partners. Don't worry about what others say. i would just say focus on yourself, and the right person will come along..

sadly without friends. (they left when they realized about my problems) and i dont blame them who wants to be around a negative person, and some think we are dangerous, etc...i usually walk alone, find a park, and cry and just try to get relieve some anxiety and find some hope, but even that isn't always helpful. sometimes i might laugh if i see little kids playing or animals (but i am so anxious and you can see it on my face) that i think most people look at me as dangerous.