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fabulousrockstar

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Everything posted by fabulousrockstar

  1. Hi all. Just thought I'd share my story with COs. I had my first CO when I was about 8, a game show host. I remember I tried to call him on the phone. Throughout my childhood and my teen years, I had many COs. Of course, I was bullied at school and physically abused at home. I created my own alter ego to deal with it all. She'd been married/related to my COs in some aspect or another. I created my own family in my head, which I still do to this day. Today, I have 2 COs. Though one isn't as bad as the other. My main CO I've had since 2004. He's the worst one yet in terms of how obsessed I am. I connected with him over the years because 2005 was the worst year in both of our lives. He had to have 2 kidney transplants, and I was suicidal for most of the year because of dumb mistakes I made. His story inspired me to keep living and never give up. In 2009, I discovered he was on Twitter so I contacted him. He sent me autographed copies of both of his books. I admit, I got cocky and was responding to every tweet he did. Then he got mad and blocked me for the first time. That sent me into a downward spiral of more depression and suicidal thoughts. I believed if I couldn't be as fabulous as him, then F it. A world without him is a world I don't want to live in. So I created another Twitter account and continued to follow him. My greatest moment came 5 years ago next week. I actually got to participate in a live video chat with him. I told him he was my role model and he saved my life. He loved it and thanked me for it. So for the next few years, we communicated through Twitter. He'd send me messages of encouragement. Last year, I told him how I really felt about him. He said I was a beautiful person and to hang in there. So much has changed in a year. I asked him if we could chat sometime, as innocently as possible. I think I made him uncomfortable because he blocked me for the second time. Hours later, I created new Twitter and Instagram accounts to follow him. I haven't been brave enough to contact him yet. I'm content to love and worship him in silence. My other current CO is nowhere near that level of obsession, but I do follow him in silence and don't contact him at all. That's my story. Hope you made it all the way through without getting bored. :-)
  2. Thanks for all the replies so far. All I did was ask him if we could chat sometime. It came from a place of loneliness. I was upset over the fact that I have only a handful of people that aren't online that I talk to on a regular basis. I would like more friends to talk to. I made a huge sacrifice by deleting Twitter and Instagram from my phone yesterday. Hated to do it, but I felt it was necessary. Hell, it's a start, right?
  3. I need help bad! My CO blocked me yesterday on Twitter and Instagram. And I went and got 2 new accounts just so I can follow him. Now I'm disturbed and disgusted by my actions. I realize that I'm on my way to becoming a dangerous stalker. But I can't help it. Every time I think I can move on, he does something awesome and I'm drawn back in. I can't keep doing this! How can I detox from him? My sister says I need to grow out of it. I've been waiting to grow out of it for a long time. I can't do this anymore.
  4. My CO responded to me tonight! He told me, "Thanks for the touching messages, you are a beautiful person. Hang in there, diva. Xoxo" All is right in my world. But I'm still gonna keep low for the time being. I reinstalled Twitter in celebration. Feeling much better, despite being sick.
  5. Hello there. I think I made a couple of brief appearances in here a long time ago, but I'm back because I just recognized my celebrity obsession is out of control again and I feel I've crossed the stalker line. Long story short, my CO, this particular one, started in 2004. I follow him on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and even a few sites that he doesn't use anymore. I have a playlist on my iPod and a folder of bookmarked websites, both called "The (CO) Obsession". I've video chatted with him once back in 2010. He sometimes responds to me on Twitter. He caused my worst depression to date in 2009 when he blocked me on Twitter. That turned me into a suicidal mess. But I got out of it, ironically, thanks to him, and a change of my Twitter handle. So a few days ago, I felt inspired to write him a letter thanking him for being the difference maker in my life. I shared it on Twitter via DMs. I was anxious about what kind of response I'd get, if any. So I told him to check his DMs. Next thing I knew, he had unfollowed me. That resulted in a sleepless night full of worry, which led to a sore throat. I worried myself sick literally. Bottom line, I've been looking back and I realized some of the things I said were stalker-ish. Now I feel bad about it and I now live in fear of being blocked again. I couldn't take it if it happened again. That would be the end of me. And I just had a revelation. He's my drug of choice. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without him in my life. I had to uninstall my Twitter app from my phone because the temptation to contact him is too high for me. I need some detox tips that will get me through.
  6. Bringing this over from Members Needing Extra Support Now: Over the last couple of weeks, I've created at least 5 wounds that I cannot stop picking at, all on my right thigh and buttock. I just spent the last few hours picking most of them open again. I pick at them every day. I don't like the pain that comes with it. I don't know why I do it. I thought it was to pass time, out of boredom... I also pull my eyelashes out and have been doing so since I was 15. First, I was cutting them, then it progressed to pulling. I am at my wits' end with everything. I just feel so trapped. I've tried band aids on them, but they don't stay on long. I'm on an antibiotic for infection. I NEED TO STOP THIS.
  7. OK Pest control guy came and looked the place over. I did get another week to prep. I called my case manager and agreed to have someone come out and help me clean on Tuesday. My sister liked that idea, but she wasn't thrilled with what she was charging (Too Low!), so she's going to talk to my brother and see if he can come out and help. I'm a little more relaxed tonight. Thanks for the support. :-)
  8. I've never been an organized person. I'm often surrounded by clutter, mainly in my bedroom. I've been ordered to clean my place thoroughly for pest control tomorrow. But I just got the notice today that explains all I have to do. I wasn't expecting to have to do so much work! I'm more focused on keeping my sanity than anything else. Cleaning has never been one of my priorities. Now I'm panicking and fearing the worst. I don't do anything well under pressure. The more pressure, the more I just wanna say eff it. I want to ask them to give me another week, that way I could find someone to help me and make it easier on me. Just need support right now.
  9. Good morning... Back again, different celebrity, not as strong an obsession as first one... Saw a new pic of him, publicity for his next role (he's an actor/singer), immediately got intensely jealous. He's with a somewhat attractive woman in a steamy pose...not cool with me. I can't help but feel possessive about both of my guys, more with my second one. He's gorgeous, always around attractive women... Confession: My mind plays out like a soap opera, starring myself and other TV stars in an alternate universe. Both of my guys are my leading men. Guy #2 is my husband, guy #1 is best friend/lover/fiancee. Basically, it's my escape from reality, cause reality sucks, of course. I've had this going on since I was 13. I needed something to escape the hell I was going through with being bullied at school and smacked around at home. I'm 32 now and still have this going on. Again, reality hasn't been easy. My mind plays out this fantasy of everything I want to be in life...rich, thin, beautiful, famous (and maybe loved?). I absolutely hate that I'm neither of those. I just can't accept it. That's where I need the most help. Sorry for rambling...
  10. I've decided a need a severe detox of my celebrity. It hit me today that I'm so hooked on him because I see some qualities in him that I don't have. Self confidence, a "kiss my ***" attitude, resiliency, etc. I believed and hoped that with the slightest amount of contact with him, that some of his qualities would rub off on me. Yet here I am, unfortunately still me. Any suggestions on how to detox from this?
  11. Sorry for the double post. I've reached a bad place again. My feelings are just out of control. I don't know how to control myself these days. I can't explain it...it's just...I don't know...I'm freaking out mentally here. He's the only source of positivity these days and I don't know how else to deal.
  12. Well...I'm feeling a bad sense of deja vu. After several responses from my celebrity on Twitter, I'm experiencing a lull. Yeah, I got cocky again. I'm scared that I might be blocked again, and if that happens...I'm done again. I can't keep going through this!
  13. Well, I've been thinking a lot about this. I've been called out for my laziness, lack of motivation, immaturity, etc. I mean, I think after 32 years, I've earned the right to be a Biotch. I still hold a lot of anger and bitterness inside from various things in my life. I was physically abused at home, bullied at school, never felt like I fit in anywhere...I could go on. Over the last few years, I've noticed just how angry I've become. Never done or said anything about it til recently. Never been good at letting go or forgiveness. A part of me just wants emotional vengeance/karma for a lot of stuff. I do pageants, mostly for self confidence, but partly cause I feel I have something to prove to all the haters/doubters in my life. So...here I am. I'm ready to make some big changes. I know what I need to change...my lack of motivation/gratitude/organization/self confidence/acceptance/good hygiene, my anger issues, negativity/pessimism, forgiveness, loneliness, paranoia, worrying, priorities, need for attention/praise, time management...you name it. I've said that before, but I never knew where to begin. I don't know...I guess I'm more focused on living in the moment. As long as I'm content, I don't care about anything else. Yeah, I can be selfish, or just not care. I mean, I'd honestly rather be in my head most of the time...and of course, there are those times when being in my head is the worst place I can be. I know I'm rambling right now, but I just needed to put it out there. I mean...I'm sick of talking and feeling like nobody's listening or caring. Thanks for putting up with me.
  14. Feeling much better tonight. May have lost a friend, but oh, well. I'm who I am. Accept it or s*** it. So... I just need to get it together mentally. I just need some better motivation, cause what I have...well... OK Here's my life as it is right now: Basically, average days are waking up, going online, watching TV, some eating and sleeping. Throughout the week, doctors' appts, piano lessons, hanging out with my friends at school, etc. I have a lot of hopes and goals. But all I do is plan them. I occasionally do something towards them, but I never get around to completing anything. I just turned 32 last month, and I'm feeling like my life's a waste. College on and off for almost 15 years, and nothing to show for it. No clue what I wanna do with my life. The only thing I can do right lately is online pageants...and complain. I still want to turn it all around. Just don't know how.
  15. Sorry I haven't posted here, but I was doing pretty good, til tonight. Just snowballed from one little thing to a whole mess of emotions. Started when I was thinking about needing a decent evening gown (never mind a whole new wardrobe), I became just a little down. So I decided to call a friend. Of course, it turned into a 90+ minute conversation about how everything I do is wrong. Basically what I need to do is stop complaining, count my blessings, work with God...OK. Working with God is something I've given up on a LONG time ago. (Proud antitheist) But everything else? That and a lot more hasn't even sunk in yet. I've been in day programs on and off since 2005. So much therapy, and yet, I'm in a vicious cycle that goes from me feeling like I can do anything to feeling like such a failure. All it takes is someone reminding me of something I already know I need to work on and I'm back to feeling like crap. Count my blessings? I'm pi** poor, fat, ugly, not in the best shape (physically or mentally). But dang it, I'm doing my best with what I'm given and it STILL gets me nowhere. OK Maybe I do a lot of complaining, but I think at 32, I've finally earned the right to do so. It's just that I'm sick of being screwed and I should be able to sound off whenever I feel like it without being judged. My life's sucked for the longest time and I'm tired of settling for less than what I deserve. I want to be the best person I can be, but reality keeps getting in the way. More later.
  16. I've been dealing with trich since I was 15. First it started with cutting my eyelashes, and it eventually grew to pulling. It reached overload just before my mom died in December. I now try to find lashes to pull every day. I first was using my fingers, but now use tweezers. But as I can't take my tweezers and mirror everywhere, I at times still resort to using my fingers blindly pulling...which has resulted in picking until I bleed. I just don't know how to stop.
  17. *sigh* Saw my obsession on TV tonight. Reached a new ****** low. He's already the closest I'll ever get to God...now he's the closest I've ever gotten to sex. Just gonna say it: it was orgasmic. Seeing him, hearing his voice...D***. I hate that it's gotten to this. HATE. Now I'm feeling somewhat desperate. I have to get these thoughts/feelings under control NOW cause I know I may just wind up doing/saying something that I will regret. I CAN'T afford that. On top of that, I had a CRAPPY day, and it being Monday does me no favors. So seeing him made my just as crappy weekend worth it. I want to put this/him into perspective...but it's just so hard when you just have nothing else to look forward to in life.
  18. I just wish I could be real and honest with the world instead of having to sugarcoat everything. I'm sick and tired of being nice. I really want to let my clinical team have it. I'm going on what I call a "heat strike". I refuse to go anywhere on the bus until it gets to be 85 and lower. So I don't go anywhere, who cares? And if I do, I want to be comfortable the whole time. Walking in 90 degree weather at 7 AM is NOT comfortable! Plus, I can't even walk 2 minutes without my back giving me hell. So, yeah, screw that. And the whole "I'm a grown woman and I should be able to do this on my own" schtick...OLD. Maybe I wasn't meant to be grown. I'm tired of people telling me I need to grow up. Yeah, last time I checked, being grown up DOES NOT mean still being told what to do, by everyone and their cousin/lover. Bottom line: When I start getting paid to pretend to care about my life like my clinical team does, then we'll talk. Til then, get off my stage.
  19. After 10, and taking my meds. Cause apparently that's all that matters in life, right? Ask my stupid clinical team and they'll most likely agree. Yep, took my meds and still feel like hell. Any more bright ideas, geniuses? Had a nice 4 hour nap today. You have no idea how much I value sleep. Unfortunately, I have to wake up and come back to reality, which is the reason I value sleep. Hell, it's the only thing I can do. I've never used drugs in my life, and sadly, I don't have it in me to become an alcoholic. What else is there, really? Like I told someone earlier: "Eff-it-all cause I hate-it-all and I'm just tired-of-it-all". Night.
  20. Just feeling very frustrated right now...

  21. Hi, I'm new here. Just wanted to share my story with you There's this really hot, fabulous guy I love to watch on TV (keeping it all anonymous)...I became a fan in 2004. Not going into details, I will say that as the years went on, I found myself wanting to meet him so bad. I even credited him with saving my life (getting me out a severe depressive episode) a few years ago. Couple years ago, I found him on Facebook and Twitter. Of course, I went epic fangirl. I admit, I was thrilled and a little cocky. So imagine my surprise when I found out he'd blocked me on Twitter. That sent me into my last severe depression. I just gave up on everything. I officially believed I was meant to suffer in this world. A trip to the hospital did me more harm than good. I just wanted to die so badly. But of course...God hates me that much that he won't let me die. But I got a glimmer of hope when I actually talked to him via video chat in October. I felt everything was going to be OK, not just with him, but in my life as well. Of course, a month and a half later, my mom died. Over the past 8 months, I saw him as the only bright spot in my life. Saw him on TV, downloading video and pictures, etc. But whenever I reached out to him, he never answered me. I was lonely enough as it was, but I got angry when he responded to everyone else but me. This was a guy who became my first role model ever, who I worship like no other, and it just hurts so hard to have him not answer me or even like me. Now I'm almost afraid of saying anything to him cause I strongly believe I'll get a restraining order against me and that'll be it for me. I just couldn't take it. I'm just...absolutely lost here...
  22. Well, while I'm feeling up to it...I might as well fill you in on why I'm here. Basically, I'm just frustrated with EVERYTHING. At 31, I'm just a bitter, angry, sarcastic woman who's had it up to here with her horrible life. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm pi** poor...I feel so alone. I'm now living in my mom's house. The family I have here...I have a brother who talks to me every day, but would rather be at his house with his newlywed wife working there than come see me, And a sister, who'd rather spend her life hoarding animals, including peacocks and chickens, etc than contact ANYONE in the family. She's the "undiagnosed one" as we like to call her. But this is about me, so... The only person I feel really supports me is my sister in NY. She knows me quite well. Meanwhile, I live in Arizona, the state that is the WORST state to be in for mental health. My clinical team, while I like them sometimes, more often than not, don't really care. Now they want me to come up to the clinic every day. And of course, it's still gonna 105+ degrees til mid-October. My family says I can't go out in the heat, yet clinical team wants me to take an hour-long bus ride to the clinic, when in reality, I live only 5 MINUTES AWAY!! How stupid is that?! Anyhoo...as you already know, I've got a bunch of stuff on my plate. Basically, my life is now playing Cinderella. I have to try and keep this place clean, which I haven't been able to do for more than 2 days at a time. Plus I'm also taking care of a cute little society finch that was my mom's. Plus keep up with my meds, dr's appts, piano lessons, plus community service work I do as a part time pageant queen, plus I'm trying to get back doing some of the things I used to love to do, while trying to please everyone from clinical team to family, and not caring for myself. I like to dissociate from reality a lot, something I've been doing since I was a child thanks to constant physical abuse from my dad and even more constant bullying at school. I like to take myself out of reality cause more than often, reality SUCKS!! Truth is, I just want to get a new diagnosis and start over, cause I KNOW what I should be diagnosed with, yet stupid clinical team doesn't care. They'd rather force feed me medication than give me what I really need. I feel like lately, I've hit emotional rock bottom. Especially with one situation... See, I believe I now have officially fallen in the celebrity obsession game. There's this really hot, fabulous guy I love to watch on TV (keeping it all anonymous)...I became a fan in 2004. Not going into details, I will say that as the years went on, I found myself wanting to meet him so bad. I even credited him with saving my life (getting me out a severe depressive episode) a few years ago. Couple years ago, I found him on Facebook and Twitter. Of course, I went epic fangirl. I admit, I was thrilled and a little cocky. So imagine my surprise when I found out he'd blocked me on Twitter. That sent me into my last severe depression. I just gave up on everything. I officially believed I was meant to suffer in this world. A trip to the hospital did me more harm than good. I just wanted to die so badly. But of course...God hates me that much that he won't let me die. But I got a glimmer of hope when I actually talked to him via video chat in October. I felt everything was going to be OK, not just with him, but in my life as well. Of course, a month and a half later, my mom died. Over the past 8 months, I saw him as the only bright spot in my life. Saw him on TV, downloading video and pictures, etc. But whenever I reached out to him, he never answered me. I was lonely enough as it was, but I got angry when he responded to everyone else but me. This was a guy who became my first role model ever, who I worship like no other, and it just hurts so hard to have him not answer me or even like me. Now I'm almost afraid of saying anything to him cause I strongly believe I'll get a restraining order against me and that'll be it for me. I just couldn't take it. I'm just...absolutely lost. I really don't know where to go from here, not just with him, but with everything else. I don't know if it's too late for me to make a turnaround or not...I just want help sorting it all out.
  23. Good evening. I just registered here and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I've had depression for many years. But over the past few years, it's gotten so much worse. In 2009, I suffered my worst bout yet. I don't want to go into specifics just yet, but I just gave up all hope. I realized that God wants me to suffer for the rest of my life and just began going through the motions. But the last year has just sucked big time. I lost my mom in December and I moved into her house. Bottom line: I feel more alone than ever. My family in the same city as I am doesn't keep constant contact with me, my friends I've had for over a decade are starting to suck (None of them came to my mom's funeral or sent me a card or flowers or anything.), I'm lacking serious confidence/life skills/give-a-D***... I would say more, but I'm just tired for tonight. More later.
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