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fabulousrockstar

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Everything posted by fabulousrockstar

  1. Time for me to chime in on these hot topics. I already shared my maladaptive daydreaming story a while back. It started at 13, due to bullying and physical child abuse. I was lonely and not receiving love or friendship from anyone...which is, sadly, still true today. I feel my MD has negatively affected my life. I do it all the time, even in public. It's taken over my daily life. I have days when I don't do anything but stay in bed and daydream all day long...well, daydream and try to work on my writing. My living skills suck. I don't clean my place, I don't take care of myself. Just eff everything and leave me alone to daydream my life away. I feel so alone these days and I'm struggling even more so these past few weeks. I'm lonely, depressed, bored, unmotivated, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm taking my meds, so why do I feel this way? My COs bring me joy, but even that's not enough to get me through the day. As for feeling mediocre, I also believe I was meant for something better than what I am. I had many dreams as a kid, but once I got diagnosed at 15, all that changed. Now all I want to do is survive the day, even though I no longer have any good reason to live. I hate myself so much, it's not funny. I'm fat, I'm ugly (This is coming from a plus size pageant queen!), I feel it's too late to accomplish anything major in my life, like go back to school and fail miserably. Steven was supposed to be my ticket to fabulousity. All I wanted was to meet him and thank him for being such an inspiration in my life. I wanted his "kiss my ass" attitude towards life, his positive attitude and his charismatic personality. Though a part of me hopes it's not too late to repair and reclaim what we had, another part of me has settled in to the brutal reality that he MIGHT possibly hate me and want nothing to do with me. I feel I'm destined to be this miserable, near 400 pound, ugly pile of hopeless woman for the rest of my life and I can't escape this hell known as my mind. My inner critic has a megaphone and is constantly screaming at me for being too fat, being unaccomplished, being atheist, rehashing all of my embarrassing moments, and the list goes on and on, every single day. That's why I escape into my Ashleigh universe all the time. It's my only salvation. I honestly don't know how else to deal with life. If you read this whole post, thanks for sticking with me through it. I guess I just needed to let off some steam. I'm just frustrated, that's all.
  2. Wow! Another Constantine fan?! What are the odds? He's just that good at what he does! I wasn't offended by what that poster had to say. She just wants attention and I refuse to give it to her. As long as I have people supporting me with my COs, I couldn't care less.
  3. Hi all. Just wanted to say hi. Steven has been a little too quiet lately. He hasn't made any posts since middle of last month and I'm getting worried. He used to be my reason for living, but darn if I don't miss him. I really hope he shows up soon. Meanwhile, I thought I'd share my other main CO/my AE Ashleigh's current husband, Constantine. He's also gorgeous and he fills in the void that Steven often leaves. He posts several times a day on his social media, which makes me happy. In my Ashleigh universe, they just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. He's my second longest CO next to Steven...and he doesn't get in a snit about someone liking his pictures on Instagram. :-)
  4. I'll bite. Here's a pic of my CO, Steven. Isn't he gorgeous? He's 52, but he doesn't look it. He just gets sexier with every picture he takes.
  5. OMG, this was me in 2009. When Steven blocked me for the first time, I was depressed because I believed I would never live a "fabulous life" without him in it. At the time, all I wanted was a "fabulous life". I believed he could lead me to it, in a way. I wanted to know his secrets to surviving, so I could apply them to my life and become just as fabulous as he is. Now, I guess I've accepted that life will never be truly fabulous for me, and I'm stuck in this hellhole known as reality. I, too, have grandiose ideas of what I want to do with my life. I accomplished one major thing, which was to become a pageant queen. But I also want to become rich, lose weight and get another new smile, but that's not happening anytime soon, so I suffer in silence. I don't necessarily want a fabulous life. I just want better than what I have now.
  6. 1. Honestly, I would love to meet Steven face to face. We've already video chatted back in 2010 and that was one of the highlights of my life. Despite our current situation, I would love to give him a hug and thank him for being an inspiration in my life. My other main CO, I've already seen perform live back in 2005. I would love to see him perform again, then maybe do a meet and greet afterwards. 2. The hour I would spend with Steven would be either clothes shopping or designing a plus size clothing line, specifically for me. It's really hard to find clothes in my size, and I'd love to go shopping with him, judgment free...or we could design a new plus size clothing line, and I'd be the first to own the pieces.
  7. I have trichotillomania and dermatillomania. I pull my eyelashes out. I've done it since I was 15. It all started with cutting them, which eventually led to pulling them out. I used to use my fingers to pull them, but now I use tweezers. My trich got progressively worse when my mom went into the hospital for congestive heart failure in 2007. I've spent a whole night trying to pull a single lash out one time recently. I pull at least once a day. My eyes have become more sensitive as a result. I've picked at my skin as long as I can remember. No matter where a wound is on my body, I won't let it heal completely before I pick at it again. That has gotten worse over the last couple of years. I currently have wounds on my left arm that I've been picking at for a few weeks now. I also pick at my face and especially my lips lately. This might be a sensory thing with me. I feel something not smooth on my body, I want to get rid of it. I've tried stopping both, but whenever I get bored or anxious, I start pulling/picking. I've pretty much accepted that I'm stuck with these afflictions. Oh, well...
  8. I asked this question before and I want to hear from other people their take on this. What I want to know is if your COs were the opposite of their current status (Like they're dating/married now, but what if the opposite was true?), would you see them any differently? Kinda like would you view them in a romantic way if they were single? Would you see them as a someone you could be a friend towards, despite their significant other? I hope that makes sense.
  9. I have gotten thoughts like that. But I learned how to put things in perspective. I respect Steven too much to ever want to hurt him physically or emotionally. I have a question. In my case, Steven is happily single and gay. There's still a little part of me in denial about that though. In my Ashleigh universe, Steven and Ashleigh are best friends/sometimes lovers. What I want to know is if your COs were the opposite of their current status (Like they're dating/married now, but what if the opposite was true?), would you see them any differently? Kinda like would you view them in a romantic way if they were single? Would you see them as a someone you could be a friend towards, despite their significant other? I hope that makes sense.
  10. @Seeker2 Thank you for your understanding. I genuinely hope that one day I can contact him without any drama, and while I do hope that we meet someday, I had to put him in perspective and realize it probably won't happen. Oh, well. I still remember the chats we had and how he made me feel special. Well, as I promised, here's more about me and my history with COs. It all started when I was 8 or 9. My first CO was a game show host. I remember trying to get his phone number so I can contact him. My second and third COs were both singers and happened around the same time. My 4th CO was another game show host. I began my journey into maladaptive dreaming when I was 13. I was being physically abused at home and bullied at school by peers and teachers. I had only acquaintances at school, no friends that I hung out with outside of school. That was when I first made an imaginary husband out of the CO I had at the time, and an imaginary family out of other celebrities I liked at the time. Then my imaginary persona, Ashleigh (who went by Princess Altman at the time), had a life of her own. She was a TV show host/singer at the time. I based her life on soap operas. My 5th CO, a Power Ranger, came around when I was 13. Soon I killed off my imaginary husband so Ashleigh could be married to this CO in my universe. At this time, I had another CO, another singer, who was her cousin in my universe and she slept with him and got pregnant. The baby died weeks after she was born. When I was 15, I threatened suicide after failing a class, so they took me to the mental health center where I was first diagnosed as schizophrenic. My life changed when I got out. Soon I didn't really care about anything else, just staying as sane as possible. Over the next year I had to leave my high school for an alternative school which dealt with mentally ill students, yet I still graduated from my high school, a year early. When I started college in the fall, my CO got really bad. I broke into tears during class once and had to see a counselor, all because my CO was leaving the show he was on. I eventually killed him off in my universe. Then came another Power Ranger CO, who also was eventually killed off for another CO, a WWE wrestler. That CO lasted over a year before I bought my first Power Ranger CO back to life and remarried him to Ashleigh. About that time, I was rediagnosed as schizoaffective and was suffering from my first bout of severe depression. That lasted until 2003 when my latest CO was discovered thanks to American Idol, and I immediately had him in a relationship with Ashleigh, who left her husband to be with him. But they broke up in late 2004, months after I discovered Steven and married him to Ashleigh, like Britney Spears' first marriage. In 2005, my last CO (to date) came in the form of another American Idol singer. He is my second longest CO to date, next to Steven. He and Ashleigh have been married for almost 10 years and she's decided he is it for her. Also in 2005, I was going through a bout of suicidal depression. I'd lost friends and pageant titles and didn't want to live anymore. But Steven inspired me to stay alive. He was going through his own drama at the time and he was so positive about it. His story made me realize that I had to stay strong and I would come out better than ever. So from then on, my only mission in life was to stay alive so I could meet him and thank him. Which I did in 2010 after another bout of suicidal depression...brought on by him blocking me for the first time. So that's a not too brief history of me having COs. Brought on by loneliness and trauma, which I'm still dealing with to this day. Thanks for reading this long behind post. TL;DR: Years of abuse and bullying caused me to create my own persona, Ashleigh who's been married 8 times to various COs and whose life is loosely based on soap operas. I've had COs for most of my life and don't wish to give them up anytime soon.
  11. @NCC I appreciate your comments. I'm not that young. I'm 36, single and a virgin. (Not by choice, but destined to be alone) and my life has been a waste. I'm a part time plus size pageant queen/writer. Let me tell you about my CO. His name is Steven. He's not really famous, but leave it to me to be out of the ordinary with my COs. He's a fashion critic/designer. He just turned 52, but he does NOT look his age! He is absolutely gorgeous, and he's hilarious. I hope I didn't say too much about him. I've been a fan of his since 2004. He's also the CO that keeps getting me into trouble. I first contacted him in 2009 when I found out he had Twitter. He sent me autographed copies of both of his books. Of course, I got carried away and was trying to get in touch with him all the time. He blocked my first Twitter handle that summer. So in 2010, I got another Twitter handle, but didn't use it too much. But in October 2010, I actually video chatted with him! That was the best moment of my life. For the next few years, I chatted with him via Twitter. He even wished me happy birthday a couple of times. A couple of years ago, I got up the nerve to tell him how I really felt; that he was the reason I was still alive, he got me through severe depression and how much I want to meet him. He told me to stay strong and that I was a beautiful person. After that, he stopped responding to my tweets. In an act of loneliness and desperation, I reached out and asked if we could chat sometime. He blocked me almost immediately on both Twitter and Instagram. So I got new accounts and I stayed silent, just liking his pictures on Instagram. Unfortunately, he must have recognized me...though I don't know how. That was when he called me out on Instagram. So today I have his Instagram profile bookmarked on my laptop and I only follow his Facebook page. I only check out his Twitter profile every now and then, as I do with his Instagram. I'm satisfied to love him in silence, though I do wish I could make amends with him. I can't stand the possibility that he hates me. I'm so used to rejection by now, but his rejection is the worst. It feels like I've been rejected by God all over again, because he was the closest I was going to get to believing in God. I genuinely love and respect him so much. That's never going to change. That's all. Just wanted to give a little more background into why my CO is so important to me. More about me personally later.
  12. I'm reading all of these posts and relating to y'all so much. It makes me feel glad that I'm not alone in this. I saw my CO last week, he did a Facebook Live video. Just hearing him talk brought back so much of the joy that I'd been missing lately. I think him being MIA was the reason I was so down. I genuinely missed hearing his voice. I love his accent so much, it's not funny. Maybe I'll share him with y'all one day. And the cycle begins again. I get a taste of him and I want more. I want to contact him and tell him I'm sorry for freaking him out. I admit, he's become a dangerous craving to me. I'm forcing myself to scale back for that very reason because I scare myself with the possibilities of how this can play out. I genuinely respect him as a person above all else. I just don't know how I can not torture myself with this addiction to him.
  13. Hi there, NCC. Thanks for responding to me. What happened in my case was my CO had gotten sick of me, in a sense. He's blocked me on several Twitter and Instagram accounts. The last straw came when he blocked me on one of my Instagram accounts I'd created just for following him. All I was doing was liking his pics. I'd learned not to comment on them a while back. He called me out on Instagram, but being blocked, I couldn't read the message he had left for me. He then called me out in a post on Twitter/Instagram basically saying, "You can create all the accounts you want, but you're being monitored." So me scaling back is, in a sense, one that I had to force myself to do. I was scared by all the possibilities of what could happen if I continued my stalking, because that's what it had turned into by that point. I was pretty far gone. My CO, in a way, saved my life. I was going through severe depression in 2004-5, and he was going through 2 kidney transplants. His story of survival kept me going. I wanted to meet him and thank him in person for saving my life. But now, I can't do that. I don't think he even likes me anymore and that thought SUCKS. I know I'm pretty pessimistic about a lot of things, but this one hurts me to the core. I've never been good with rejection, though I'm pretty used to it by now. But his rejection made me feel like I've been rejected by God all over again. He was the closest I'd get to a religious experience. Now...I just miss him. I still enjoy seeing new posts from him on FB and Instagram (I don't have to be logged in to see his Instagram profile, lucky me.), but it's taken on a whole different tone. I wish I could contact him one more time and apologize to him and explain my story. But I know if I tried to contact him, it would lead to some trouble I really can't afford to be involved with...and that's the last thing I want, for him or for me. So here I am now. I have to love him from an emotional distance. The worship level has dropped dramatically and now I have nothing which truly brings me the same type of joy like he once did. He was my reason for living, with the hope that I would meet him one day. He was someone I genuinely cared for and respected with all my heart. But now it's just another sad story in the world of COs.
  14. Hey all. I'm just stuck. I actually miss my CO. I've scaled back my CO massively over the past few months. I only go to his Instagram about once a week and I have a photo album of pictures I've printed of him on my bed...but that's the extent of it these days. I was telling my therapist this yesterday that I miss the thrill I used to get from seeing his new posts. It's like my life has actually gotten boring because I hold back. I hate it, but I feel this is the way it has to be. I know if I allow myself to enjoy him, I'm going to be unable to control myself and make it worse than it was before. I guess this is my punishment for my behavior in the past. I hate it, but I have to accept it, I guess.
  15. Hi all. I researched Maladaptive Daydreaming and I realize that's what I've been doing ever since I was 12 or 13. I had imaginary friends, husbands, and a whole family. I had to create my own love since I wasn't getting it anywhere else. I used it to escape the abuse and bullying I was going through. I still use it to this day. I'd rather live in my fantasy world than in reality. In my fantasy world, I'm rich, thin, beautiful and famous. In reality, I'm the complete opposite. I like to pretend I'm married to one of my other COs, and best friends/sometimes lovers with my main CO (the one that gets me in trouble). I have other COs that are my friends and family. It still causes trouble to this day. It gets in the way of me doing my daily living skills, like cleaning and bathing, and it replaces human interaction and socializing. I'd rather just stay in bed and fantasize my day away while watching TV and being online. I'm diagnosed as schizoaffective but MD is really what I do and what I am. To the person who mentioned this, thanks. I really learned something about myself.
  16. Hey all. Been a long while since I posted here. Just wanted to give y'all an update on me. I've been in therapy and I've been getting help with my CO. I don't technically follow him anymore except for Facebook. But I do have his Twitter and Instagram pages bookmarked so I only look at them at least once a week. I guess what it took was getting a grip on reality and putting it into perspective. I may never get to meet him, and HATE the thought that he may not like me very much. But I realized that he doesn't have to be the be all end all of my world. I sincerely hope I never get like that again. I've become extremely focused on writing fanfiction, even one with my CO. That's become my main distraction. I appreciate your words of advice and for being there when I needed to vent. Y'all got me through a very rough time. Thank you!
  17. Just about 12 hours ago, I found out that my CO blocked me on Twitter again. Now I'm wondering what I did so wrong to make him so angry/scared of me. All I was was a loyal fan...yeah, maybe too loyal at times, but I thought I was doing it right this time. I didn't try to chat with him at all. This is a hefty price to pay just for liking some pics.
  18. He did not specify me, but I'm sure it was me he was referring to. I'm just tired of having this obsession. It's really affected my life negatively.
  19. He said something along the lines of "People who harass online can create a million profiles, but (?) being monitored".
  20. I never said one negative thing about him. All I did was praise him and chat with him. The only thing that could possibly alarm him was an array of Twitter DMs I sent him last year, explaining how I felt about him, how his story of having 2 kidney transplants in a year got me through my own tough year, and how I wanted to meet him and hug him. At the time, his response was "Thank you for the lovely messages. You are a beautiful person. Hang in there, diva." That was a year ago. Over the last year, I kept trying to strike up a conversation with him with no response. I don't know what happened. He blocked me on Twitter after I'd asked him about his mom, who gave him her kidney 10 years ago. So here I am today. Feeling anxious for fear of legal action. I'm so tempted to get another Instagram account but I know not to tempt fate for a fourth time. He's become a nasty addiction for me. It's worse than my chocolate addiction and that says a lot. I don't have a social life, and I don't date. He's the only man to praise me so much, plus he's the only male role model I've ever had. I've aspired to be like him for over 11 years now. He lives such a fabulous life (minus the kidney drama) and I've been hoping his fabulousness rubbed off on me eventually. I'm an atheist and he's been the closest to a God I may ever get, so being rejected by him feels like being rejected by God. Thank you all for helping me get through today. I don't have anywhere else to turn because no one else understands my CO. I feel so alone. I need help to grow out of this obsession.
  21. I did not use the same name on Instagram that I use on my Twitter. I'm thinking about the absolute slightest possibility that I could have been hacked. The only thing I did was like all his current pictures on my second Instagram account, and liked only one picture on the third. I did not talk to him at all. I think he's smarter than he thinks he is (because he's probably keeping track of IP addresses). So yeah, I'm thinking the worst he could do is get a restraining order. That's why I'm scared. I'm a good person with a few quirks. I'm getting help for all my mental issues, my CO being one of them. I just don't know how to deal with this.
  22. I got a notification addressed to my Instagram handles saying he commented, but by the time I received it, he'd blocked me. Plus he wrote about it on his Twitter.
  23. Well, I have officially p***** off my CO. I got a new Instagram account, and I made the mistake of liking one picture. He called me out, not that I could see the message he left for me after he blocked me again. I'm just here ruminating, wondering what I did so wrong, how he found out it was me, and when it became so wrong just to like someone's pictures. I mean, what the hell? I'm experiencing a sick sense of deja vu. I was a stalker in high school, I was a stalker 10 years ago, 6 years ago, and now I'm genuinely scared. I don't know what's going to happen now.
  24. Another day in my world... My CO blocked me again on Instagram. And I'm just wondering why? What did I do wrong (other than living) this time? I feel I did everything right. I didn't contact him at all. All I did was like his pictures...and boy, did he post a lot of them yesterday. So I liked them all. That shouldn't warrant blocking. I wish I knew what provoked him this time. Made me sick to my stomach all day and I'm not happy.
  25. Hi everyone. I just wanted to say pop in and say hey. This weekend is the 5 year anniversary of my live chat with my CO. It was the chat that gave me hope when I was at my worst. I chose to uninstall Twitter and Instagram from my phone to not tempt me so much into contacting my CO. I've been doing great at not checking in every day. I saw my counselor today and she told me that I might have some depression setting in. I need to find some distractions, like my writing. I went on a Christmas music bender as one of my distractions. TTYL
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