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fabulousrockstar

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Posts posted by fabulousrockstar

  1. Hey all! I know I haven't been here in a really long time. I hope y'all are doing OK. Last time I was here, I was venting about being 400 lbs and depressed.

    Well...I'm still 400 lbs and depressed, but I'm getting help thanks to 2 counselors who understand me and want me to be the best person I can be. But I have a major update to one of my situations.

    I. MET. CONSTANTINE.

    That's right! I helped fund a private show in Sedona featuring him and his guitarist, Static. There were only about 24 people there, so it was pretty intimate. I got to take pictures with him and get his autograph! He sang classic rock, some of his new stuff from his upcoming album, and a couple of medleys. My personal favorite was his rendition of "Black Magic Woman". It was just the best night of my life and I'm already looking forward to the next time he comes to AZ...whenever that will be.

  2. Hello friends! Long time, no see!

    Just thought I'd update y'all on me. I've had some serious fights with depression lately, unrelated to my COs. Just dealing with life as a 400 lb woman who'd rather stay in bed than live.

    I've been writing a lot more fanfiction lately. Working on 3 epics and churning out at least one oneshot a month.

    My obsessions with Steven and Constantine are under control. I still follow Steven without following him...if that makes any sense. I look at Constantine as my muse these days for my erotic fanfiction.

    So there I am. TTYL

  3. Hi everyone! I haven't been here in ages. I haven't gotten notifications in a while so I have no idea what's going on here.

    Here's a riddle: How does a celebrity ensure that fans won't be stalking them? Change your look drastically. That's exactly what Steven did recently. SumBiotch actually shaved his head! I LOVED him with long hair, which I now know were mostly extensions! I mean, he feels better about it, so I respect that, but still...WHY?!

    I'm still writing my erotic fanfiction featuring Constantine and posting it on one of my blogs. (I also have one fic about Steven there, too.) I also write several other fics, including a series that I've been working on for over 2 years now. All my fics are online, but since we can't share links...how do I share them with you guys?

    TTYL!

  4. Nice to see some fellow fanfic writers on here. I write erotic fanfic featuring both Constantine and Steven (not together), each with Ashleigh, my alter ego/original character. I also write WWE fanfic.

    Nothing new to report on the Steven front.

    However, my sister says she and my clinical team are working on something new for me to try and get me to take care of myself. Basically, it means I have to sacrifice something I have, like cable, in exchange for me to promise to take 2 showers a week and keep my place clean. Bathing and cleaning are hard for me. Just takes too much of my time that I'd rather spend fantasizing, watching TV and writing. That and I just don't care anymore. I'm just not happy that these people won't leave me alone and stop putting all this pressure on me to live up to their standards I just can't reach. I just want to be able to keep my sanity, and if that means forgoing my ADLs (Adult Living Skills), oh, well. I guess they just don't get done. I'm just tired of it all.

  5. Hi all!

    Just popping in to say hey and give an update on me.

    I'm happy to say that I've never been better, obsession wise. I only check out Steven's Twitter and Instagram pages once in a while. However, Steven recently deleted his original Instagram for an unknown reason, but he has a new one that apparently he doesn't want people to know about, but I know.

    Other than that, not much has changed. Still miserable emotionally, but what can I do about that? Still no counseling in my near future, so I have to find some way to deal with ish. Whatever.

  6. Regarding COs and their flaws...

    I thought Steven was practically perfect, but also human. I had him placed on a really high pedestal. Truth is, IMO, his only flaw is not appreciating his fans, namely me. I kept tweeting to him for about a year after we last communicated, like me wishing him a happy birthday, wishing him well with his clothing line... Now that I look back on it, I feel pretty underappreciated. I mean, I guess I was expecting too much from him. In my Ashleigh universe, he's her best friend. I guess I wanted him to become a friend, and I crossed that line between being a simple fan and being a desperate attention seeker. I feel horrible about that. He definitely deserved that apology he got from me.

    Now Constantine, on the other hand...he's a bada** rocker/Broadway star who is the nicest gentleman. The only thing he's guilty of, IMO, is getting involved with the wrong woman. He got arrested in late 2015 because his then-girlfriend/baby mama accused him of domestic violence. Charges were later dropped, but she isn't looked at the same way by his fans now. But other than that, he's pretty squeaky clean himself.

    I don't know. I guess it depends on what one considers flaws. You can either consider yourself/someone else flawed, or flaw-esome. I prefer flaw-esome people and I prefer it for myself too.

  7. Hi all. Just wanted to drop in and say hey.

    I was diagnosed with autism when I was 3. I don't know about Asperger's though. Forget about getting diagnosed in my city, they'd rather diagnose you with a mental illness. I'm not an only child. I'm actually the youngest of 5 in my adopted family. My parents didn't know what to do with me. I don't think they believed in autism. My mom was 60 when she adopted me. My oldest sister was instrumental in my being raised. She knew more about autism than anyone in the family.

    I know I have OCD at some level. It takes a lot to get me obsessed with something/someone these days. I still have obsessions with crushes from high school. One of my main obsessions these days is a guy I met my first semester in college. I want him to take my virginity, but he's gay. Part of me is still holding out hope that he could be bi so he could actually want to be with a woman. I've always liked a challenge. I've had several obsessions with guys that I've known that were either unavailable or not interested in me.

    I guess you could say I'm still obsessed with Steven to an extent. It's getting really hard for me to not like his posts on FB, but I made a promise to him in my e-mail and to myself that I wouldn't do so.

    And how am I doing? Well, not much has changed. I have a new case manager that I like. No luck in the counseling area. Life still sucks a lot of the time. I don't know what else to do or say about that. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I just feel stuck in my ways. I see myself changing, yet I also don't see myself changing, if that makes sense. Whatever. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

     

  8. 4 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

    We had a flurry of activity for awhile, and now it's so quiet!! How's everyone doing?

    I'm doing OK on the CO front. I respectfully enjoy Steven from a distance, and I had the best time with a live stream mini-concert from Constantine on Wednesday. He is awesome combined with talented and a dash of sexy!

    But other than those fleeting moments of joy...I'm honestly quite miserable.

    I graduated physical therapy in January, and I find myself now weighing 406 pounds. It has sent me into a real bad time. My self confidence is shot to hell already and this just makes things worse. I eat only 2 meals a day, but I just can't seem to lose any weight. The only things I eat are chocolate, chicken, cheese and Kool-aid. I know what I need to do (eat healthy, including more fruits and veggies, drink water, exercise more, etc), but it's just so hard for me to change my ways.

    I also posted the following on Facebook last month: "I guess I'm not used to caring for/about myself. I do everything I can to keep myself sane, but I've always lacked the give-a-damn to keep myself healthy.
    I rarely brushed my teeth, leading me to now have only 4 teeth left, all with crowns, and I don't like wearing my dentures. I rarely take care of my personal hygiene, hardly washing my face and taking at least 12 showers a year, and I can't stand for 2 minutes without pain. I just can't bring myself to care at all. It's just too much work for me, so I just don't do it at all.
    Sorry for the long post. I now have no one else to vent to. One of my counselors decided not to come back after having her first baby in December, and I had to stop seeing my other counselor because I legally can't see 2 counselors at the same time. I'm just over it all.
    I guess I'm punishing myself for a lot of things going wrong in my life. I'm just a failure that can't do anything right."

    You can add to that that I don't take my meds consistantly, and that includes my asthma inhalers and my CPAP machine for my sleep apnea.

    I guess I'm punishing myself for still being alive after all these years. I often think that I'd rather be dead than fat. Doesn't help my situation though. I just don't know anymore, nor do I care. I'm just over it all.

  9. I think I had an epiphany today.

    I checked my new e-mail address to see if Steven had answered me back, and he hadn't.

    I realized that I did everything right. I told him I was sorry, I told him he had been my inspiration for almost 13 years, and I wished him the best of luck in everything. I also gave him an out regarding answering me back. I told him he didn't have to.

    For the first time...I'm actually OK with whatever happens. My conscience is clear. I admitted my wrongdoings and tried to make amends. If he doesn't want to, I'm OK with it. He's too fabulous to put up with drama like me. He deserves better than me. I don't need his approval to make my life better. I can't believe I actually reached this point, and it took a long time getting there. But I made it and it feels pretty darn good.

    Whatever. I'm at peace with the idea that he's nothing more than a sweet fantasy and that the idea of who he is and who he really is are two different people. I deserve to have my fantasy without judgment from myself or others. I'm not going to let the harsh truth distract me from what makes me feel good and sane, nor am I going to let this obsession take over my life like it had done. I'm fine. I hereby set myself free. No longer will he be the main focus of my life, but he will simply be a muse of mine.

    Steven, if you do happen to stumble upon this site, just know that I thank you for being the light I needed in my darkest times. You will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always respect you and admire you just the way you are. Thank you.

  10. Happy New Year!

    It's 2017 and I've decided it's "New Year, New Beginnings".

    @NCC I do feel that Steven is my soulmate. I don't know what attracted me to him, but I guess it was his zest for life. His genuine joy at doing his job, interviewing celebrities, being on the red carpet for awards shows, etc. Soon I fell in love with his accent, his outfits, his smile... Like I mentioned earlier, meeting him face to face is still a bucket list item, despite everything.

    @nthngtll78 I feel the same way about both Steven and Constantine. Meeting them both face to face is bucket list material for me. I know I want to hug them and thank them for being an inspiration in my life.

    I have a question for everyone: have you found yourself obsessed with any family members of your CO? For me, I find myself drawn to Constantine's daughter. She is the best little girl I know. I look forward to seeing pics of her, be it alone or with either of her parents. I have my alter ego sometimes fantasizing about having children of her own, even though she had a hysterectomy. Is it that I'm biased and only drawn to her only because of my obsession with Constantine?

  11. Well, I just wanted to add my two cents to what everyone is saying.

    1. I did have a positive experience with Steven over 6 years ago. We actually video chatted about him being an inspiration for me and my mom's kidney drama. Plus, I got to see Constantine perform live during the American Idol tour in 2005, third row! That was the best concert experience of my life.

    2. I think if I met Steven or Constantine face to face, I would be satisfied. Meeting Steven face to face is still one of my bucket list items, despite everything.

    3. I've had multiple COs. I've explained them in a past post of mine.

    4. I'm not looking for a relationship with my COs. I'm more on the realistic side. I just want to meet them face to face, take pictures with them and have memories to last a lifetime. If a friendship develops, I'll be OK with that too.

    With that said, I had a counseling session yesterday and we discussed the Steven thing...again. I keep telling her it's destroyed my life because he gave me something to live for, something to strive towards. Ever since he dumped me over a year ago, I've completely lost the will to live. I feel like I have nothing left in me, no reason to live. I know, I know, overdramatic much? Perhaps. But I can't help it. He was my ticket to a fabulous life. I wanted to know how he got through each day with such a positive, kiss me a** mindset. It still hurts and I feel like a lost cause.

    So I told counselor I wrote the letter apologizing to Steven, but haven't sent it yet. I think I got a sign a few days ago that it wasn't meant to be sent. I was gonna send it through his website, but it went down within the last few days. I'm taking that as a sign. Anyway, she said either send it or not, that way I'll have my answer. I don't think I can send it anymore, but he deserves an apology...but I fear that he'll hate me even more. Then again, he could respond in a positive way, which I'm hoping for. I don't think I can take it if he rejects me again. I just couldn't. But I can't stand not knowing if he hates me or not. I don't know which would be worse.

    I can't, in good conscience, send the letter, to be honest. The best I can hope for now, (and I know there's a snowball's chance in Phoenix of this happening) is that he stumbles upon this site and reads my posts. Though I doubt his reaction will be understanding, he needs to know that I'm sorry for my behavior in the past, and that I do respect him as a person.

    I know I'm rambling now, but I can't help how I feel. I don't think I can move on with my life unless I know for sure. This sucks.

  12. I've pretty much accepted that it's just going to be me and my computer for the rest of my life, so I pretty much threw love out the window.

    Like I said in my last post, too much unrequited love in my life, which still affects me to this day. I'm still in love with several guys from my high school and college days. I'm unable to move on because I still think I may have a chance with them, despite one of them being married and one being gay (or possibly bisexual). I'm obsessed with them in a different way from Steven and Constantine, I guess possibly because they're local, therefore more accessible. I fantasize about either of them taking my virginity. I honestly would like to know what making love is like at least once in my life, and I'd like it to happen before I possibly get raped and the choice is taken from me.

    I wanted to share the apology letter I wrote to Steven. The more time that goes by, the less I want to send it, to be honest. Whatever. Here it is.

    "You wanted a marriage proposal? OK. Will you marry me? No, but seriously...

    I hope this finds you well. I come in peace. I would like for you to read this all the way through before you dismiss me.

    It's me, fabulouswannabe.

    I've been a fan of yours ever since I first saw you on Entertainment Tonight in 2004. Over time, that has grown into genuine admiration and respect for you. I've followed you through your entire PKD/kidney transplant journey. You inspired me to continue my life even when I was going through a nasty battle with depression in 2005. You've been my role model and inspiration for over 12 years now. I've always aspired to be just a little bit as fabulous as you are.

    The last time we interacted with each other was last year, and it wasn't so great. You blocked me on Twitter and Instagram because I reached out to you in hopes that you were willing to talk to me. I only did so out of loneliness. I don't have many friends and I was hoping that you would give me some words of inspiration to keep hanging on. Every time we interacted on Twitter, I've been nothing but honest with you. Everything I've ever told you was the truth, including my past of being bullied and abused. You made me feel like I wasn't alone. You made me feel like I could survive anything and become stronger in the process.

    But lately, I don't feel so strong. I'm struggling with depression again, but this time, it's really bad. I find myself with no purpose and no reason to live. It takes a lot of effort to get out of bed most days.

    I feel that I should apologize for my behavior in the past. I know I came off too strong, and you had the right to be alarmed. I'm truly sorry if I made you uncomfortable in any way whatsoever. It was never my intent to harass you in any way. I was just admiring you as a beautiful, honest and genuine person.

    I just need to know whether you hate me or not. I'm willing to bet you don't have an ounce of hate in you. But I'd rather know than not know.

    Even if you don't answer me back, I just want you to know that I sincerely respect you, admire you, and wish you well in everything that you do. It has been an honor and a privilege to chat with you. You are truly one of a kind and I hope you never change."

  13. I believe I fit in all three categories in one way or another. I definitely appreciate Steven, I do have feelings for him, mostly of respect, and I use his life as a form of entertainment with my maladaptive daydreaming. Maybe a touch of Celebrity Worship Syndrome?

    Unrequited love? Definitely the story of my life. Too much of that and not enough love received to make me feel good about myself or life.

    Steven isn't that big of a celebrity. I haven't run into any people who can say they're fans of his, nor have I run into any fan forums about him. The comments I read about him are 97% negative. Sure, people like him because he went through his kidney transplant ordeals, others because he's a fashion guru...but I love everything about him. His voice, his smile, his wardrobe, his sense of humor...I love it all. From that love grew an outstanding amount of respect. I often called him the closest I'll get to meeting God, and that's why his rejections hurt so much. It feels like I've been rejected by God again. I admit, I did put him on a very high pedestal. But the way he's touched my life, I believe he deserves it.

    BTW, I haven't sent the letter I wrote to him. @posie_riot and @Audrey822, you're right. I'm not ready to face the possible ramifications. It scares me too much. But I might share it here just to put it out there in the universe.

     

  14. Hi all. Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans! Hope you enjoy all the delicious food in store for you today!

    I'm kind of struggling this week. I've been thinking a lot about finding some closure with a couple of situations in my life, my situation with Steven being one of them.

    The deal is, I wrote out an apology letter to him letting him know I was in the wrong and it was never in my intent to harass him in any way. Now I'm questioning whether to send it or not. I know I probably shouldn't, but I also know this could go one of several ways. He could be nice and forgiving, he could be mean, or he could not even respond at all. I'm hoping it goes well, but I highly doubt I can handle it if it doesn't. This could possibly be my downfall, the beginning of the end for me. I couldn't live with myself knowing that someone who's been a huge part of my life for almost 13 years hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Sure, it may do me more harm than good, but I'd rather know than not know.

    HELP!!!

  15. Hey all.

    Just dropped in to say thanks for the support. It's not easy being me these days, but knowing I have people who support me even a little bit helps.

    Counseling got deep for me this week. Realized several things. 1. I'm living in the past. I'm still struggling with issues from as far back as 20+ years ago. I'm still obsessed with crushes, still reliving old memories from my youth, and still dealing with the effects of bullying. 2. I'm looking for closure with a lot of things, from the aforementioned past issues to the more recent Steven issue, which has affected me more than I thought. Counselor told me that I may not ever get closure with those things, and that kills me. Which leads me to...#3. I need to give up control and let things be. I am NOT good with that at all. I feel everything should go the way I want it to go, and things should always work out in my favor. I refuse to accept anything less than what I deserve, and I think I deserve fabulous. Is that so wrong?

  16. I posted the following on FB last night.

    "I'm quite depressed tonight. Had counseling today and we talked about making changes. For starters, I need to stop emotional eating, and snacking in the early hours of the morning. Plus I need to start eating fruits and vegetables...all along with other personal changes.

    I've gotten to a pretty dark place in my life. Every day, I keep wondering why I'm still alive. If I had the cojones, I would off myself, but I also know it's not worth it. So I'm stuck being miserable until I die, which I ironically hope is later rather than sooner. I just can't find a halfway decent reason to live. Oh, you could say "My family and friends, etc" all you want, but big, fat, hairy deal. They all have their own issues and I just don't want to be a burden on them. I'm just flippin' tired. I just downright hate myself so much. I'm doing everything I can to self sabotage my life. I'm not eating healthy, I'm not taking all of my medical meds (I do take my psych meds, no doubt about that), I don't use my CPAP (I have sleep apnea), I don't take care of myself or my place at all. I highly doubt I could care less. My life feels like a punishment I can't escape. I want to be done."

    Had some sleep and I'm still down a bit this morning. I'm just lost. I don't know what else to say.

  17. Hi all.

    Not doing so good CO wise. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of being unceremoniously dumped by Steven. Still hurts. I just want things to be back on good terms with us. I would personally and honestly like to know if he hates me or not. I think that's the only way I can get through this.

    So what did I do after being dumped last year? I went on the ultimate Christmas music bender. I downloaded almost all the digital radio apps, listened to all the Christmas music and went on the quest to download it all. Will I do it again this year? I want to, but it doesn't feel right yet. Maybe it's too early. I don't know. I know that I don't have all the time on my hands that I had last year, with my physical therapy, my counseling and my doctors' appointments. I wish I could just throw myself into the hunt like I did before.

    Otherwise, I'm still surviving. Had a nasty fall almost 2 weeks ago. Landed on my chest and banged up my finger pretty badly. Thankfully, it's not broken. Been seeing my new second counselor every week, and she's getting me on the road to liking myself a little bit. TTYL

  18. On 9/28/2016 at 6:42 AM, Audrey822 said:

    @fabulousrockstar has your counselor suggested that you see a doctor for antidepressants?  For me, the right antidepressants make a HUGE difference between feeling the way you described and being able to get through the day.  If you're already on some kind of medication, you should tell the prescribing doctor how you've been feeling because your meds may need to be adjusted.  Just a suggestion. 

    @Audrey822 I am currently on 3 psych meds. Bupropion for depression, Citalopram for anxiety, and Invega Sustenna for voices and hallucinations. Officially, I am diagnosed as schizoaffective. I have told my psych about my depression, but I don't think she's willing to adjust my meds because she's working with my PCP to watch my weight and keep me from getting diabetes.

  19. Hey all...

    Just wanted to pop in and say hey.

    I'm now seeing another counselor every week in addition to my other counselor whom I see every other month. She and I are working on getting me out of this latest bout with depression. I started by making positive affirmation cards.

    One of them has perhaps my favorite song lyric on it: "Keep your dream alive, dreaming is still how the strong survive..." That's from a song called "Once Upon A Time In New York City" from the Disney movie "Oliver and Company".

    I feel that describes a good majority of us. Daydreaming is how we survive this anything but mundane life, and it's even kept us alive, especially in my case.

    Me, I have OK days, and I have bad days. Those are the days that I usually want to spend in bed daydreaming, but on some of those days, I have physical therapy and I force myself to go and exercise hoping to get into a better mood. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Whatever. Either way I come back home, force myself to eat something, then go straight to bed and daydream my night away.

    But lately, I can't even do that right. I have glimpses of daydreams throughout the day, but they're not lasting as long as they usually do. I think I'm too into my head with all this depression and negativity to have a decent daydream. I don't know. I'm just frustrated with almost everything these days. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do or where to begin. I feel like I'm destined to be miserable. I'm just tired and stuck.

  20. @Audrey822 I'm still surviving, I guess.

    I saw my psych doctor yesterday. I brought up everything that was going on with me; the depression, the maladaptive daydreaming, etc. I don't think she understood me...maybe she did, I don't know. Basically she said I have to find balance between fantasy and reality; use my fantasies to inspire and improve my reality. *shrug* I kinda get it, I guess, but I don't know what to think about that.

     

  21. Time for me to chime in on these hot topics.

    I already shared my maladaptive daydreaming story a while back. It started at 13, due to bullying and physical child abuse. I was lonely and not receiving love or friendship from anyone...which is, sadly, still true today.

    I feel my MD has negatively affected my life. I do it all the time, even in public. It's taken over my daily life. I have days when I don't do anything but stay in bed and daydream all day long...well, daydream and try to work on my writing. My living skills suck. I don't clean my place, I don't take care of myself. Just eff everything and leave me alone to daydream my life away.

    I feel so alone these days and I'm struggling even more so these past few weeks. I'm lonely, depressed, bored, unmotivated, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm taking my meds, so why do I feel this way? My COs bring me joy, but even that's not enough to get me through the day.

    As for feeling mediocre, I also believe I was meant for something better than what I am. I had many dreams as a kid, but once I got diagnosed at 15, all that changed. Now all I want to do is survive the day, even though I no longer have any good reason to live. I hate myself so much, it's not funny. I'm fat, I'm ugly (This is coming from a plus size pageant queen!), I feel it's too late to accomplish anything major in my life, like go back to school and fail miserably.

    Steven was supposed to be my ticket to fabulousity. All I wanted was to meet him and thank him for being such an inspiration in my life. I wanted his "kiss my ass" attitude towards life, his positive attitude and his charismatic personality. Though a part of me hopes it's not too late to repair and reclaim what we had, another part of me has settled in to the brutal reality that he MIGHT possibly hate me and want nothing to do with me.

    I feel I'm destined to be this miserable, near 400 pound, ugly pile of hopeless woman for the rest of my life and I can't escape this hell known as my mind. My inner critic has a megaphone and is constantly screaming at me for being too fat, being unaccomplished, being atheist, rehashing all of my embarrassing moments, and the list goes on and on, every single day. That's why I escape into my Ashleigh universe all the time. It's my only salvation. I honestly don't know how else to deal with life.

    If you read this whole post, thanks for sticking with me through it. I guess I just needed to let off some steam. I'm just frustrated, that's all.

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