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About fabulousrockstar

  • Birthday 01/11/1980

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  1. Hey all! I know I haven't been here in a really long time. I hope y'all are doing OK. Last time I was here, I was venting about being 400 lbs and depressed. Well...I'm still 400 lbs and depressed, but I'm getting help thanks to 2 counselors who understand me and want me to be the best person I can be. But I have a major update to one of my situations. I. MET. CONSTANTINE. That's right! I helped fund a private show in Sedona featuring him and his guitarist, Static. There were only about 24 people there, so it was pretty intimate. I got to take pictures with him and get his autograph! He sang classic rock, some of his new stuff from his upcoming album, and a couple of medleys. My personal favorite was his rendition of "Black Magic Woman". It was just the best night of my life and I'm already looking forward to the next time he comes to AZ...whenever that will be.
  2. Hello friends! Long time, no see! Just thought I'd update y'all on me. I've had some serious fights with depression lately, unrelated to my COs. Just dealing with life as a 400 lb woman who'd rather stay in bed than live. I've been writing a lot more fanfiction lately. Working on 3 epics and churning out at least one oneshot a month. My obsessions with Steven and Constantine are under control. I still follow Steven without following him...if that makes any sense. I look at Constantine as my muse these days for my erotic fanfiction. So there I am. TTYL
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    Hi. That is all.


  4. Hi everyone! I haven't been here in ages. I haven't gotten notifications in a while so I have no idea what's going on here. Here's a riddle: How does a celebrity ensure that fans won't be stalking them? Change your look drastically. That's exactly what Steven did recently. SumBiotch actually shaved his head! I LOVED him with long hair, which I now know were mostly extensions! I mean, he feels better about it, so I respect that, but still...WHY?! I'm still writing my erotic fanfiction featuring Constantine and posting it on one of my blogs. (I also have one fic about Steven there, too.) I also write several other fics, including a series that I've been working on for over 2 years now. All my fics are online, but since we can't share links...how do I share them with you guys? TTYL!
  5. Nice to see some fellow fanfic writers on here. I write erotic fanfic featuring both Constantine and Steven (not together), each with Ashleigh, my alter ego/original character. I also write WWE fanfic. Nothing new to report on the Steven front. However, my sister says she and my clinical team are working on something new for me to try and get me to take care of myself. Basically, it means I have to sacrifice something I have, like cable, in exchange for me to promise to take 2 showers a week and keep my place clean. Bathing and cleaning are hard for me. Just takes too much of my time that I'd rather spend fantasizing, watching TV and writing. That and I just don't care anymore. I'm just not happy that these people won't leave me alone and stop putting all this pressure on me to live up to their standards I just can't reach. I just want to be able to keep my sanity, and if that means forgoing my ADLs (Adult Living Skills), oh, well. I guess they just don't get done. I'm just tired of it all.
  6. Hi all! Just popping in to say hey and give an update on me. I'm happy to say that I've never been better, obsession wise. I only check out Steven's Twitter and Instagram pages once in a while. However, Steven recently deleted his original Instagram for an unknown reason, but he has a new one that apparently he doesn't want people to know about, but I know. Other than that, not much has changed. Still miserable emotionally, but what can I do about that? Still no counseling in my near future, so I have to find some way to deal with ish. Whatever.
  7. Regarding COs and their flaws... I thought Steven was practically perfect, but also human. I had him placed on a really high pedestal. Truth is, IMO, his only flaw is not appreciating his fans, namely me. I kept tweeting to him for about a year after we last communicated, like me wishing him a happy birthday, wishing him well with his clothing line... Now that I look back on it, I feel pretty underappreciated. I mean, I guess I was expecting too much from him. In my Ashleigh universe, he's her best friend. I guess I wanted him to become a friend, and I crossed that line between being a simple fan and being a desperate attention seeker. I feel horrible about that. He definitely deserved that apology he got from me. Now Constantine, on the other hand...he's a bada** rocker/Broadway star who is the nicest gentleman. The only thing he's guilty of, IMO, is getting involved with the wrong woman. He got arrested in late 2015 because his then-girlfriend/baby mama accused him of domestic violence. Charges were later dropped, but she isn't looked at the same way by his fans now. But other than that, he's pretty squeaky clean himself. I don't know. I guess it depends on what one considers flaws. You can either consider yourself/someone else flawed, or flaw-esome. I prefer flaw-esome people and I prefer it for myself too.
  8. Hi all. Just wanted to drop in and say hey. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 3. I don't know about Asperger's though. Forget about getting diagnosed in my city, they'd rather diagnose you with a mental illness. I'm not an only child. I'm actually the youngest of 5 in my adopted family. My parents didn't know what to do with me. I don't think they believed in autism. My mom was 60 when she adopted me. My oldest sister was instrumental in my being raised. She knew more about autism than anyone in the family. I know I have OCD at some level. It takes a lot to get me obsessed with something/someone these days. I still have obsessions with crushes from high school. One of my main obsessions these days is a guy I met my first semester in college. I want him to take my virginity, but he's gay. Part of me is still holding out hope that he could be bi so he could actually want to be with a woman. I've always liked a challenge. I've had several obsessions with guys that I've known that were either unavailable or not interested in me. I guess you could say I'm still obsessed with Steven to an extent. It's getting really hard for me to not like his posts on FB, but I made a promise to him in my e-mail and to myself that I wouldn't do so. And how am I doing? Well, not much has changed. I have a new case manager that I like. No luck in the counseling area. Life still sucks a lot of the time. I don't know what else to do or say about that. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I just feel stuck in my ways. I see myself changing, yet I also don't see myself changing, if that makes sense. Whatever. I'm just taking it one day at a time.
  9. I'm doing OK on the CO front. I respectfully enjoy Steven from a distance, and I had the best time with a live stream mini-concert from Constantine on Wednesday. He is awesome combined with talented and a dash of sexy! But other than those fleeting moments of joy...I'm honestly quite miserable. I graduated physical therapy in January, and I find myself now weighing 406 pounds. It has sent me into a real bad time. My self confidence is shot to hell already and this just makes things worse. I eat only 2 meals a day, but I just can't seem to lose any weight. The only things I eat are chocolate, chicken, cheese and Kool-aid. I know what I need to do (eat healthy, including more fruits and veggies, drink water, exercise more, etc), but it's just so hard for me to change my ways. I also posted the following on Facebook last month: "I guess I'm not used to caring for/about myself. I do everything I can to keep myself sane, but I've always lacked the give-a-damn to keep myself healthy. I rarely brushed my teeth, leading me to now have only 4 teeth left, all with crowns, and I don't like wearing my dentures. I rarely take care of my personal hygiene, hardly washing my face and taking at least 12 showers a year, and I can't stand for 2 minutes without pain. I just can't bring myself to care at all. It's just too much work for me, so I just don't do it at all. Sorry for the long post. I now have no one else to vent to. One of my counselors decided not to come back after having her first baby in December, and I had to stop seeing my other counselor because I legally can't see 2 counselors at the same time. I'm just over it all. I guess I'm punishing myself for a lot of things going wrong in my life. I'm just a failure that can't do anything right." You can add to that that I don't take my meds consistantly, and that includes my asthma inhalers and my CPAP machine for my sleep apnea. I guess I'm punishing myself for still being alive after all these years. I often think that I'd rather be dead than fat. Doesn't help my situation though. I just don't know anymore, nor do I care. I'm just over it all.
  10. @After Rain, thanks for the question. Not much has happened since the Steven revelation. I still enjoy him from a respectable distance. As for finding something to fill the space, I have my other CO, Constantine. He's doing a great job being himself. :-) I'm doing better there, but I'm actually doing worse off because of new issues that have come up. More on those later.
  11. Just wanted to pop on to let y'all know it's my birthday today! So far 2017 has been good to me. In case you missed it, last week, I had the big Steven revelation that he's not going to be a big part of my life anymore. He's just a muse and nothing more. That's all.
  12. I think I had an epiphany today. I checked my new e-mail address to see if Steven had answered me back, and he hadn't. I realized that I did everything right. I told him I was sorry, I told him he had been my inspiration for almost 13 years, and I wished him the best of luck in everything. I also gave him an out regarding answering me back. I told him he didn't have to. For the first time...I'm actually OK with whatever happens. My conscience is clear. I admitted my wrongdoings and tried to make amends. If he doesn't want to, I'm OK with it. He's too fabulous to put up with drama like me. He deserves better than me. I don't need his approval to make my life better. I can't believe I actually reached this point, and it took a long time getting there. But I made it and it feels pretty darn good. Whatever. I'm at peace with the idea that he's nothing more than a sweet fantasy and that the idea of who he is and who he really is are two different people. I deserve to have my fantasy without judgment from myself or others. I'm not going to let the harsh truth distract me from what makes me feel good and sane, nor am I going to let this obsession take over my life like it had done. I'm fine. I hereby set myself free. No longer will he be the main focus of my life, but he will simply be a muse of mine. Steven, if you do happen to stumble upon this site, just know that I thank you for being the light I needed in my darkest times. You will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always respect you and admire you just the way you are. Thank you.
  13. I just sent The Letter to Steven. Left out the marriage proposal and made a few edits. I think I got my point across clearly. I also promised never to have any contact with him again after this, nor to like any of his posts/pictures on social media. PLEASE send good mojo my way, pray for me, whatever, that this doesn't come back to bite me in the rear end.
  14. Happy New Year! It's 2017 and I've decided it's "New Year, New Beginnings". @NCC I do feel that Steven is my soulmate. I don't know what attracted me to him, but I guess it was his zest for life. His genuine joy at doing his job, interviewing celebrities, being on the red carpet for awards shows, etc. Soon I fell in love with his accent, his outfits, his smile... Like I mentioned earlier, meeting him face to face is still a bucket list item, despite everything. @nthngtll78 I feel the same way about both Steven and Constantine. Meeting them both face to face is bucket list material for me. I know I want to hug them and thank them for being an inspiration in my life. I have a question for everyone: have you found yourself obsessed with any family members of your CO? For me, I find myself drawn to Constantine's daughter. She is the best little girl I know. I look forward to seeing pics of her, be it alone or with either of her parents. I have my alter ego sometimes fantasizing about having children of her own, even though she had a hysterectomy. Is it that I'm biased and only drawn to her only because of my obsession with Constantine?
  15. Happy Holidays to everyone here! This place has really helped me a lot, especially over the past year, so I have to say thanks to all of you! Here's to a safe and somewhat happy holiday weekend and an awesome 2017!
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