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About vrichard

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  • Birthday 08/08/1990

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    Music, Travelling, Art & more music.
  1. First of all, thank you guys for all your responses. I'm sorry to hear how bad some of your responses were. I have to say though, I'm not very surprised at how most of you guys seem to have bad experiences such as mine. To be honest, I feel pretty dissapointed towards to whole human race- why can't people be a bit more understanding? Really, is it that hard? I guess people find it hard to put themselves in another person's shoes and just imagine what it might be like BEFORE placing any sort of judgements. But we live in such a cynical world. People can just be really selfish that way, just like FeelinBlueAllTheTime said. But it's true though, people just aren't comfortable being around people who are down all the time. I don't blame them for that. But I don't think I'm down all the time. In fact, around my friends- I'm cheerful most of the time. When I'm having one of those days when I simply can't force myself to be cheerful and happy-go-lucky, I just don't hang out with them. Everyone seems to put depressed people in this tight box of stereotypes. It frustrates me to no end to hear how some of my friends talk about people with depression (they don't even know that I'm actually one of them). When I hear how they freely chitter-chatter about it, just throwing judgements after judgements - I would be boiling quietly. I would try to make them understand by basicly telling them not to just take things from the surface and why not take the time to read about it and just get to know depression a little deeper- but all my efforts just fall on deaf ears. They just want to be blissfully ignorant. I really hope that in the future, people would be more informed and less critical of this illness that is slowly eating us up inside.
  2. Happy Birthday :)

  3. Hi all. I've been struggling with depression and self-harm for a number of years, but lately it has been building up even more. I've never told anyone ever about this for the fear of being ridiculed and laughed at. I was brought up in a family where we rarely ever show emotions of being sad and so in my mind, for myself at least- showing someone that something is affecting me was confirming my own weakness. Being caught crying gets me laughed at and teased for by my family, and so I taught myself never to share that type of emotion with anyone else. However, I have recently met this guy and we instantly became good friends. He also had a love interest in my sister, and we three always hung out together. He always tells me that I am like "the sister he never had", and he keeps saying that we should never lose our friendship ever. To shorten things, he gained my trust as we would often text and he would share with me his secrets. One day, we were having a deep conversation and the we found ourselves on the topic of depression. He told me that he has recently been feeling depressed and while we were really into the topic, I found that it was appropriate to reveal for the first time what I have been struggling with all these years- eager to finally have someone whom I can share my deepest thoughts with and who could possibly give me a slight nudge of motivation to help me recover. But, in reality, his facial expression changed and I could see that he was totally uncomfortable with what I was revealing to him. He gave me a small, insincere pat on the back and he changed the topic right away- avoiding eye contact with me for the rest of our meet up. He then never texted or called me ever since, not even to ask how I am. He continued to be in contact with my sister though. It made me reach a conclusion that he was never really interested in being my friend after all, and that his motives were just to "buddy up" to me so he could try to win over my sister. I took this very personally, as it made me wonder- do people actually really not care about your mental health when you tell them? I truly thought that out of all people, he would understand. I've always read on forums like these that talking to someone would help, but I just can't get around the idea of what could possibly be the advantage of trying to talk to someone- when there is a very high chance that they will not see you in the same light again and it would just leave you feeling more rejected than ever, that it would make you crawl back into your hole with your tail between your legs. I'm curious to know what reactions have you guys received from people once you open up to them about your mental illness?
  4. vrichard

    Cravings For Affection

    @Allycia. Every word you have written- I too feel the same. One time, we want to know that the person cares for us but another time, we just want everyone to leave. I don't know about you but I have the tendency to unconsciously "test" people I am around by distancing myself from them just to see if they come back to us and if they care about us. But when they do, I just want to be left alone. But when they don't, it hurts more than ever. I don't know what I want and I hate it.
  5. Hi Leila24. Trust is a very fragile and strange thing. It takes a minute to crush and a what seems like a lifetime to build back. I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in terms of advice, but I do share your issues on the lack of trust. I suppose maybe your boyfriend did not mean to trigger that issue when he was talking about other women and with the gaming. He probably thought it was harmless- but damage is done. It's good that you have voiced your opinion, and now all you have to do is wait and let time do its work. Your boyfriend would have to prove that he is worthy, which I'm sure he would- if he is the right one for you and if he is a decent guy who deserves you. Actions definitely mean more than words, he should know that. Take time to realise all the little things that your guy has done "right", and give him credit for that. I suppose the trust will sooner or later rebuild itself. As for me, most people I would want to trust always seem to dissapoint me- so I'ld be stuck with my trust issues for a very long time. Talking about it openly is definitely encouraged. Goodluck! Dragonwings- That was a horrible thing for her to do! Glad to see you are slowly piecing things back together again.
  6. Hi hellosweetie, I feel like I can very much relate to your post there. However, I have not attempted suicide- I have started self harming though as a form of relief and have frequent suicidal thoughts. I do think its more damaging to keep it all in but when I let it out, I feel like I become a big burden to my parents. But if you ask me, I personally would rather damage myself than to cause pain to my parents. :verysad3:
  7. I could practically have been the one that wrote that sentence. :ohmy:
  8. vrichard

    How Do You Feel Today #21

    Extremely upset over the fact that I'm losing someone I deeply care about and it's something I can't control. Frantic thoughts invading my mind. Severely lacking self esteem. Cried uncontrollably for hours non-stop. Feeling unworthy, unloved and desperate. Lacking faith in humanity. Hating everyone. Not you guys though.
  9. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  10. vrichard

    Knowing What To Say To People

    I remember very well that I used to feel that way when I was depressed. I was not used to it at all because I was such a sociable person before this whole thing and I remember wondering the same questions you are wondering right now. I would just sit at the corner and I would make up excuses for not attending parties. When I'm forced to attend though, I would nibble on my food for a long time. At least in that way, I would have something to do and it was as though as "excuse" for not talking to people because I had food in my mouth (and it's rude to talk with food in your mouth, isn't it?) I not only felt that way to strangers but also to close friends whom I've known for years and years, who I have had loads of fun with in the past. I just don't know what to say. One thing that helped me when talking to strangers was to seem presentable and approachable. Smile at them and make short eye contact when you do. When you seem friendlier and more approachable to people, sometimes people would come up to you and start doing the talking. And its also ideal that you try not to give one word answers when they ask you a question. You could also ask them a question in relation to the topic they have just started. Its okay to have different interests, you could tell them why you are not so keen on that particular something. Instead of just telling them you don't like something (sports for example), try telling them why you're not to fond of it. Of course, all doing so by respecting that the other partys' interest and not offending them by saying something like "People who love _____ are just a bunch of wusses" When you feel more relaxed and when you're not too self-concious as to what people might think of you and how you may come across, conversation has a better chance to flow freely.
  11. vrichard

    Do You Physically Hurt With Depression?

    Mental and physical fatigue, definately. Now that I think of it, I also do have tummy aches, chest aches, back aches and headaches every now and then- but how do you guys know that it's connected to depression? I never really linked the aches and depression together. A little insight would help xo
  12. vrichard

    It's "your" Fault, Not The Illness!

    Hi SailingAway Oh my goodness. I have encountered a truckload of people who make ignorant comments like that. I STRONGLY believe that those who have never been through depression can never understand it. They seem to think that it is just a phase in which you can just "snap out" of. Honestly, ignorant people like these made me conceal my feelings in the first place. I do agree on the comment about the two kinds of people ; the "tough love" people and the "my problem is worse" people. My close friend slipped into a depresseed state about a year ago after her boyfriends brother passed away in a sudden tragic car crash. She was very depressed for months, she did not want to go out nor do much. My other friend came up to me and said that "she should just 'snap out of it' and that she was just 'craving attention'". I was astonished! How could a person just have the heart to say that? I didn't understand. I was angry, at the same time wondered what she would say if she knew about what I was going through, would she say the same about me? That I was just "craving attention"? It just proves my point as to say that if those people don't go through it, they probably should just keep their big mouths shut and not be so quick to judge and point out a another persons flaw, especially when that person is feeling bad about herself already. As for the "my problem is worse" people, I also have this friend who- if I start out trying to open up about something, she changes the topic all the way back around to be about her. "Oh yours is nothing, I have it waaaay worse than you. Mine is worse, mine is worse. Me, me, me." I'm starting to think that maybe the "my-problem-is-worse-than-yours" people are rather self-absorbed people. Like tremblingblustar, I also have stopped trying to discuss my problems with her. If she wants to discuss her problems, fine. I would listen and contribute whatever necessary to try and make her feel better. But as for the conversation to be the other way round which requires me to open up about my problems, I don't even bother to enter anymore. To her- I'm always fine, don't you see? I'm always fine. Seriously, what good is there to compare your problems with mine? We are different people. We deal with it differently. Ok. End of rant.
  13. vrichard

    I Don't Quite Know What Exactly I'm Feeling

    May78, I really appreciate your input. I have just noticed something recently though. It is probably out of topic, but oh heck. Here it is. I have been thinking about it, and I do kind of suspect that my grandmother might be... I'm not at all sure though. I naturally have quite of a snappy attitude where I get pretty irritated rather quickly (towards my family, that is). My grandmother, well she's not much like your average grandmother, she seems to always try to find fault in me whenever she can. She also seems to not like it at all whenever I go out with a few drinks with my friends (although recently I have not been going out often, due to feeling rather comfortable, like a hermit). She claims that girls should not be "wandering around" when I am just going out for a drink! Because of my temper, I used to loose my cool ALOT and rebel when I was a teenager, but going into my late teens, I figured I should just try to maintain my cool as much as possible whenever I am talking to her, out of respect for whatever she may be feeling. But most of the times, it goes in this circle : 1) She points out fault 2) I try to explain my "apparent fault" but before I do, she cuts me off. 3) She pokes at that fault, grinding in and grinding that little apparent fault to make it seem like an enormous fault. 4) I speak, in order to tell her that its not that way. (Note : I speak in soft tones, careful to not to trigger any of her buttons.) 5) But whatever I try to say, she always seems to come to the conclusion that we all (my sister and I) think she is "bad" and before I know it, she is bursting into tears, and walking up the stairs saying that she does not want to be here anymore and that she is going upstairs to her room and she might not even wake up tomorow. This does not happen to only me, but to my sister and my mother as well (both of them are extremely close). I don't quite understand what is going on in her head sometimes. It is honestly pretty frustrating. She is rather healthy for her age, she goes out for walks in the evenings and has loads of friends whom she calls daily to chit-chat and to catch up with. She lives with us and we talk to her about our days and being the youngest in the family, I'm rather affectionate with her- giving her cheek kisses and hugging her when I come home from college. I don't know. Is this normal for someone around her age? She's 70 years old. She does not suffer from any prominent diseases, only that her blood pressure if quite high but I think she's managing that properly, and she's careful with what she eats. She's very alert and observant too. Sometimes a little too observant that she likes to point out little flaws. She does not say anything nice and when she does, it is as though it's such a chore for her. I know, probably a little out of topic but yes- any responses would be appreciated. xo
  14. Is the cat still sitting on the car?

    Hows it going?