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Everything posted by Sanda

  1. Is this a friendship or a romantic (past, present or hoped for) relationship? Because some of what you said sounded like a "breakup". If that's the case, I think she's using you - she's moved on but doesn't want to cut the tie completely because she wants the option of going back to you if her other choices fail. If this is the case, cool off, let her go, this kind of relationship will only hurt you! If not, if it's just a friendship, again I'd say give her space - but in this case be ready and happy to jump right back into closer friendship if/when she is ready and don't put any pressure on her to explain the previous withdrawn phase. I gradually distanced myself from my closest friend when my depression was the worst as I couldn't hide how I was feeling from her. With others I could pretend things were okay and that would give me a break from obsessing over my troubles. With my close friend, one look from her and she knows the depth of my pain and couldn't let me "pretend" to be okay, I'd end up bawling every time, which just got embarrassing for both of us. Fortunately she understood my need for some distance, and now when things are better and I feel up to it and contact her, she is happy & ready to do anything with me, which I am beyond grateful for.
  2. Funny I was just feeling that exact same way this morning. Except I'm forced to talk to coworkers but it's the same old boring conversation and I keep it to the minimum because I don't trust them. Same grind, day after day after day.... Thing is, I'm doing what I 'need to do' right now, which is earn $ and don't spend $. Everytime I think of altering my routine, I worry about losing hours at work, or ending up spending $ that isn't in my very tight budget. Well, Thanksgiving break is ahead for me, I get 4 days off. Then the ****** Holiday circus. Put my head down, get through all that mess, then there is spring to look forward too, when my life at least get's more interesting. Hang in there.
  3. I got the bachelors & landed a good job after 2 yrs out of college in the late eighties. I hit full blown nervous breakdown followed by depression after 5 years, and ever since have been struggling to support myself. I'd manage stretches of acting the dedicated employee but it took a lot out of me and I'd burn out and have to back down, using all my savings, including retitrement, until I could land another job. Been on Unemployment off and on. I'm in another "pretend to be the super dedicated employee" phase, this is my last chance (I burned all other bridges), I'm struggling mightily to be able to stand it, but I feel it's worth the hell as in 2.5 years I'll have paid off my house and can back down - after that I'll just need enough to pay taxes, utilities & food, I can work part time as an accounting clerk to do that. Looking back I don't know how I'm still here. Hopefully as things change gradually mental health problems will become less stigmatized and one can bring them up with employers and have allowances/arrangments made to enable them to work. Back when I started working mental health was considered an embarrassing weakness, one could never admit to experiencing it and expect to get raises or promotions, and indeed the company would look for a "safe" way to get rid of them. That is changing, and I hope for all my young sufferers, it will make a difference for you. Btw, no shame in the stripping, do what you gotta do to survive now girl. But keep thinking & trying on other options, including maybe moving back closer to family. Or with a friend or friends, maybe you can get by on part time work then. (((Hugs)))
  4. You've got to look at everything that could cause this, but I do have to report, I found that the SSRI was the culprit in making me want to (and able to!) sleep so much of the day. I could sleep 12-15 hours & still feel like I needed more. I asked my dr. if the drug could be causing this but they said it couldn't be doing that. I stayed on it for over 6 yrs in which time I lost 2 jobs because I was constantly late from having such a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. When I got the chance for a 3rd good job (my last chance in this industry) I knew I had to do something & tried weaning slowly off the SSRI. Gradually I was able to get up in the morning! Off the SSRI a few months, I had no trouble getting out of bed in time for work. I still have bouts of depression but I've learned not to go to SSRI's for me - being unemployed & financially desperate just made any depression worse! I have to seek other coping methods. Good luck to you.
  5. I use Ambien (in the winter months especially) but I cut the prescribed dose in half. I'll try to get off it come spring, as being more active outside, I'm better able to sleep. I've been on & off it several times over the last 3 years, never a problem. I try to taper off most drugs, but the low dose of Ambien, I have been able to just stop. For Ativan, I looked it up on the 'net when I got a prescription & so was well aware of the addictive affect before I took the first dose. I have the lowest dose available and only take it 1 or 2 times a week when I need it. I try every other method of reducing anxiety first. I feel safer having it in my purse, but I'm aware of the danger of getting hooked on it so I'm careful. Like all of these drugs, best to do a lot of research on your own before taking them. Tons of info & experiences on these drugs on the internet now. I think patients can become even more informed than dr's in some cases as we have more motivation to know as much as possible! Don't go cold turkey off any of these things until you know how it effects you, that's always just asking for trouble! Glad you are feeling better.
  6. Ok so you physically or verbally abused/threatened/coerced etc WHO? Yourself or someone else? How scary or serious were these threats? I would think the answer to that might affect how you should view this situation. Ie, in this day and age, considering the violence & ******s happening in schools & other public places almost every few months by mentally unstable people, you have to realize a school is going to take note of someone acting out - and that they might feel motivated to take steps to protect themselves & other students, Disablitly act notwithstanding. The school, mall etc shootings in the last couple years have definitely had an impact on how the general public views people with mental health issues seeming out of control or making threats. May not be fair, but it is a fact. Consider your actions & or words that led to this decision by the school. Do you think, in this climate, they had reason to be a bit scared of you, and what you might do, to yourself or other students? Consider they have to weigh, do we address this now, and risk a lawsuit of discrimation OR do we do nothing & risk that this person may be the next one to snap & put us on the news. Thinking this through might help you avoid the problem in the future by using self-discipline to moderate your own actions or words. I can't imagine another University wouldn't let you enroll unless you said or did something extremely violent or scary that is documented. Depression is a heavy duty thing, trust me I know. But even with a mental illness, you can't say or do things that threaten harm to yourself or others & not expect those around you to react. Hope things get better for you.
  7. Have you tried talk therapy yet? With the right therapist (you may have to try a few to find the right one) that can help as much as or more than drugs - especially since it sounds like you aren't talking to anyone other than your GP about it now. I'm same age as you and sole breadwinner & battling the exhaustion. I sympathize. Talk therapy is the only thing I can think might help beyond what you have already tried. I also find some books help. Some are useless but again, you may need to try a few to get some help.
  8. Wishing I hadn't agreed to have company tonight. Two old friends on the way over. lord help me. All I want to do is take my Ambien & pass out. Now I'm stuck trying to be friendly & upbeat etc until ******* midnight :-( Since they know I've been depressed in the past, have to put on a cheerful show or they might want to stay even later... as I said, lord help me, and can we please just start the new year without fanfare, sigh.
  9. Just the topic I needed to see tonight - to know I'm not alone with this struggle! I worked so hard all week, I figured today, just play it "by ear". Well, I finally got up around 10, piddled around fixing breakfast for myself & my pets, then decided I deserved a nap, & slept until 3pm :( Just the kind of day that depresses me worse, especially when darkness falls just after 4 this time of year east coast USA So, wrote myself a "to do" list for tomorrow. Usually after a day like this I'm better about making an effort. The challenge for me is, if I get too ambitious & schedule things to the minute, but with no one but myself to enforce I do these things, I generally disappoint myself. Best for me is, make a list of things that MUST be done - and rank them 1,2,3,4 etc. Next day make myself start on #1, then 2, so on... if I get 3 of the "MUST" do tasks done, I feel better about myself. Definitely do better on days when I have someone else to answer to - ie my boss. Thanks for starting this topic!
  10. Hey, I'm impressed you are managing to live at a truck stop! I mean, that took some creativity & will power to pull off. I've often worried about what I would do if I lost job & home. Only thing I own free & clear are my truck & trailer. Was pricing places to park them if I lost all - but hey, now you have given me a new hope, I could live at a truck stop! Not trying to make light of your pain though, please don't think I am. I'm wondering if you had asked if you could attend Thanksgiving with family, what do you think the answer would have been? I know it would be better if they would ask, but sometimes it's best to take initiative. Regardless, I wouldn't put too much weight on lack of response to facebook or even people you meet, as to whether they like you or wanted to spend time with you, at this time - I know a heckofa lot of people are scared, and or struggling to fit in to the new world, with the crashed economy & fear, loss & doubt everywhere... But I'm one that expects a recovery in the worldwide economy - and hey it's not just wishful thinking, I was an Economics major in college! It will get better, just a matter of when. Anyway, I hope you will hang in there & take a 'wait & see' approach. My family is totally dysfunctional (which was oh so obvious at the Thanks giving I attended but wished I hadn't had to last week), I live alone, and thanks to my depression I've alienated my friends. I do feel pretty lonely - but I DO have pets, that helps for me as I am a hard core animal lover. But I also live deep in the woods, so it's rare to see a human being out here. I kind of envy you the truck stop living situation, given you can at least "people watch", see humanity functioning with each other, from a distance. Anyway (yeah I say that too much in person too!) I do hope you can hang in there, & see what comes down the pike. sending cyber (((hugs)))
  11. I understand! But that's why I'm advising, pick a deadline, say by the end of this weekend, write down the pros & cons of going for each of those 3, and then on Sunday night circle your decision - you made the best choice you could given the information you have now, so after that you silence those "what if I chose wrong...?" thoughts with "hey I had to make a choice, I made the best choice given what I knew then, now I'm going to commit & stick with it until it's done. I'm sure we all have regretted decisions we made, later on - but still, sometimes you do have to just make a decision! Otherwise (as I'm sure you know!) you just get stuck in a neverending cirlce of confusion & become paralized. It is harder to make decisions when plagued with stress & anxiety, I know. But then again, once you do make the decision & commit, I think it will lessen that stress & anxiety. And don't forget - no one really knows, 100% without a doubt, what they want to do the rest of their lives at your age! Don't pressure yourself to make the perfect choices now, just make the best choice you can come up with, given how you feel & what you know now. Good luck :)
  12. Well one thought for you, I think the statistic is that people change careers at least 3 times in their life. So the fact is, no one really knows exactly what they want to do! At your age, and given you can't expect to stay in school indefinitely, I would brainstorm your degree options, write them down, then write down the pros & cons, take a day to mull it over, and make a choice. Then commit to finishing that, even if you start wavering - you need to get that degree accomplished while you can! But don't think you have to know exactly what you want to do, now, for the rest of your life. Like I said, no one does! Just pickiing a degree & pushing through obstacles to finish that will give you a boost from knowing you can set a goal & achieve it. Also, for many jobs, it's not the exact degree that matters, just that you have achieved a degree! I've been working in the business world for 20 years and we hire all kinds of different majors. It matters more that the candidate has decent GPA (proving they can take an assignment & get it done), and seems willing to do anything they are asked to tackle, in business! I know it's hard to get motivated when you are depressed (boy do I know!) But I really think you will feel better once you have picked a degree & committed to completing that, no matter what! It will give you a clear target to focus on. Remember, you aren't necesarily deciding what you will do for the rest of your life! Lot's of people go back to school & change careers completely later on! You just need to get set on something based on the best decision you can make given what you know now. Good luck!
  13. Hi, I'm an asexual woman, and highly recommend those of you in mismatched sex drive relationship check out the website www. asexuality. org - it will help you understand so much better, and please share it with your partner too, it may help them understand themselves much better too. Bottom line, apparently there are successful relationships between sexuals & asexuals out there, but it does take understanding & compromise. I struggled so, so long to understand my sexuality, just couldnt' understand why I seemed so different from the general populace. No sex drive, no interest, just couldn't grasp what the fuss is all about. But didn't want to seem strange, so spent quality time "faking" it, sigh. I did experiment with both sexes, trying to feel something. Nothing. I honestly wish I was a sexual person. Being so different from 99% of the human population definitely is a cause of my lifelong depression & anxiety. But it helps having support from a website like "AVEN" and groups on facebook. At least now I know I'm not alone. and I still hold out hope of some kind of relationship for me, though I'm getting older. Anyway just wanted to be sure you were aware of the concept of asexuality and that a lot of helpful information is out on the web about it now. I'm sure it must be frustrating to be a sexual in a relationship with an asexual. In fact there is a whole forum topic on this at the AVEN website. Good luck to you .
  14. Sitting here in south Jersey in the path of the dreaded Frankenstorm, Hurricane Sandy, as the wind starts to whip things up, I realize my depression has lifted. I think that's the case anytime mother Nature takes control & makes it clear she is more powerful than we tiny humans. I don't know why a big storm makes me feel better. Anyone else? Not sure why... maybe facing 80+ mph winds puts things in perspective for me... maybe it's just the distraction effect. Maybe it's because I most likely won't be able to get to work tomorrow! Anyway just wanted to share & wondered if anyone else experienced a boost from the super storm effect...
  15. Would you believe I am grossing $8K per month right now as acting Controller (they are holding out the actual promotion as a "Gift" I'm sure but I don't care about the title - just give me the $!) But I don't feel "rich" as I'm working on paying off a CH 13 bankruptcy plan I was driven to, in order to save my house. That means I'm paying 2 mortgages essentially, for at least another 3 yrs. I was un or under-employed for 7 out of the last 12 years so I'm in the stage of trying to make up for lost ground. I feel like I should feel more secure, given how much I'm making BUT I have experienced how fickle the corporate work world can be, and should they abruptly decide I'm done, I would only survive about 4-6 months before I'd be in dire straights & need to sell a damaged, in need of repair house in a bad market. So with my CH 13 & payback parents plan, my expenses come close to my net, but I'm able to sock away about $300 a month now at least. I liquidated my retirement in the bad years, so I have that to start over at 46. Right now I'm working on building emergency savings, since I have no credit & savings are my only cushion in case of disaster. I sometimes envy those able to get by on minimal wage. I've put myself in a place where I need to make this large salary to save my house. I have no one to depend on but myself. I think I would have let it go years back except I have 3 dogs & 14 beloved cats depending on me keeping a roof over our heads. I might find family / friends to take the dogs, but who else but me cares about 14 kitties who only trust me? So I say now, I've said again, keeping my cats safe & sound drives me on to work at this detestable job for the huge salary. So I don't feel "rich' but I guess it does give me a boost of esteem to be able to say, hey, I make $8K a month baby! More if the powers that be decide I've been a good girl & deserve an xmas bonus. (roll eyes). I say to myself, and to some others, I am nothing more than a high class prostitute. Spending copious hours doing things I don't want to do for people I don't want to be around, for cash. But I've decided I'm okay with that, for now, to save my house.
  16. Very abusive relationship. You should have given her the boot after the first craziness and been firm about it, but I guess you know that now. Please, just let her "delete" you and do NOT seek contact with her again. Pick up the pieces & move on. And next time, after the first "hit", realize it is another disastrous relationship & move on. People either hit & abuse the ones they love or they do not. There is no one who abuses a "loved" one, then feels sorry & doesn't do it again. That creature does not exist my friend. They will keep on hitting, abusing & hurting you. One hit = Done, move on. Wishing you better luck & healthier relationships!
  17. Drs are not all good ones. I think especially Pdocs can get fed up & take it out on their patients. I had a similar dismissive type appointment with a Pdoc last year, I nicknamed him Dr. McJudgyPants (you can search for the thread under that name on here) - I can laugh about him now, but after the appointment I felt just as devastated. Here I had come to this dr for help, made myself vulnerable laying about my problems, & Pdoc response was the shrug, "you don't look to have it so bad to me, just shake it off why don't you". I can look back & realize what a jerk he was but at the time it was horrible. So many (((hugs))) from me & please know the dr was totally in the wrong to make you feel that way. Then pick yourself up, go back & demand better help.
  18. I can relate 100% My first two major depressive/anxiety attack episodes occurred in Nov/Dec timeframe. I always feel a closing in, a bit of desperation, since those episode (15 yrs ago now). My strategy is to dive in to all the holiday cr*p head first, full on. Not that I enjoy it, not one bit. But it DOES distract me. I decorate the house, I go to every party I'm invited to, I buy & wear the silly T-shirts & sweaters for each holiday. It sounds silly since I admit I do NOT enjoy the holidays, but from the outside you'd think I was a holiday junkie. This strategy has made this time of the year much more bearable for me. And makes the time go fast to the only real holiday I truly feel like celebrating - Dec 21st, winter solstice - after that one the days get LONGER 1 minute per day. You are definitely not alone with this one. Sometimes I think the timing of all these major holidays clumped together Oct-Dec is because most humans suffer this time of year, and the celebrations are a way to distract everyone.
  19. (((Hugs))) I think you should cut yourself a break. You've just been through a terrible life shock. No one knows how they are going to manage such trauma until they do. And everyone is different. It sounds like you are going through a sort of grieving process for the life you had to let go, and you just have to go through that, to get to where you can recover and go on toward your new, better life. You can't just poof! make the grief go away, you have to process it! But you don't have to do it alone, which it sounds like you figured out. As far as your son, just keep loving him like you do, he'll be fine. My sister divorced when her kids were mid teens, and I helped out by taking in one of my neices for a year. I bought a book about kids of divorced parents, and they said, it is far best to divorce while kids are still toddlers. If you wait until they are teens like my sis did, it definitely messes up the kids, but toddlers seem to handle it just fine. And I'm sure everyone of those toddlers saw their divorcing parents crying time & again! So I vote your boy will be just fine, it is clear even to me far away on a computer screen how much you love him, so I'm sure he knows that. That's the most important thing, love & care. I think you're going to be fine, with your attitude of pursuing help, but you need to give yourself time! Try to mentally "float" by the hard stuff, and let time pass. More (((hugs)))
  20. Sounds like you need to shake things up. Do something not expected by family friends etc - maybe move across the country or to another one, try your hand at a totally different career, seek out people you would normally never think worth spending time with. And see what happens. I have a similar story, and "fortunately" I burnt out big time after 10 years on the track to corporate CFO - I didn't want to give it up but I hit a "wall" and had to reroute. I found myself galloping racehorses on Philadelphia Park, walking hots, trying to learn enough Spanish to hang out with my new coworkers. It was a fundamentally refreshing change from the white collar college educated world I'd spent so much time in. Alas, I was going to lose my house if I kept on that path, & I found the will to go back to the corporate world again to finish paying off my house. I've "sentenced" myself to the 4 more years it will take to clear the deed. I feel the same pointlessness crushing down on me, the pressure to do it "like I'm supposed to", dress the right way, socialize the right way, be prompt & dependable. It is suffocating & I don't know how people manage to spend entire careers like this. But I have hope because of that brief "midlife crisis" when I switched paths completely, and I felt the life interest rushing back into me. After I own the house free & clear, I'm leaving options open but I know I want to take a dramatic turn in my life. I may sell the house, buy an RV & just take off. Work on tracks during the season, visit family during the winter, do whatever I want. Seek out & spend time with entirely different people & places than I have experienced so far. Anyway just wanted to throw that out there for you. I know you probably don't believe now a completely different change of place, job, companions could make such a world shaking difference but IME it does. It may seem crazy from a financial, family, career viewpoint to do something like this, but if your spirit is being crushed as much as it sounds yours is, it would be worth it, no?
  21. Apathy. Yep, same here, can't care, seemingly, about anything. Didn't used to be like this. I fight against this every day now. I long to be able be able to just sleep too. But on the weekends, when I can & often do just lay in bed, that makes me feel even worse. So I'm grudgingly grateful for the job for forcing me out of bed. I will lose my home without it. I'm working hard at a job I just can't force myself to care about, so I can pay off my loans & own my home in about 4 years. The funny part is, then what? I can sleep all day everyday like I've already proven doesn't work either? I don't know the answer but I sure can relate. For now I just fight against the thick cloud of apathy because I know it's better than giving in and let it push me back under the covers. I'm hanging on hoping things will change in time. No good answers for you, sorry, but wanted to say, I sure can relate.
  22. Wow just stumbled on this one - I matched almost all the traits for both Schizoid & Avoidant. That was eye opening for me. Now the 20 thousand dollar questions - which came first? the personality disorders or the depression? I'm thinking the former, as they caused almost total rejection of me by my peers early in high school, and I wasn't initally depressed - I was contented enough with the daydream world I built for myself. By my early twenties though I hit depression & anxiety full on. Very interesting... thanks for posting.
  23. My mood swings were wild with my cycle. I could be feeling completely catastrophic about everything, then I'd look at a calendar and realize - "oh - it's just that time again". Ultimately to deal with devastatingly painful cramps I did go on Depo Provera which completely cured the mood swings as well as the crippling pain. But in a way I almost miss the mood swings (I definitely do NOT miss the pain!) The natural monthly cycle sort of gave me an excuse to just let it all go, eff the world, everything s*cks - all along knowing shortly the hormones would shift and I'd feel so much better by comparison it could jolt me out of depression - for a little while anyway. But for me it is Depo or surgery - I couldn't go on working full time otherwise, the pain had become so bad I would lose several days work every 4 weeks. But wanted to mention the Depo shots if it gets to be too much for you. They have side effects long term so not good if you're young, but I'm hoping to stay on them until menopause myself (I've only got a few years to go)
  24. I fly into this kind of rage requiring physical release when I'm off my SSRI's. The thing is, I don't like being on them, for various other reasons. But I did relent & go back on a low dose of Celexa this summer for this very reason - the instant rages. And yep, they went away after the drug took effect. I keep wishing I could find something that would help other than the drug - working out regularly definitely has helped. But mainly what helps is not being under a ton of stress, and for me, right now, getting out from under massive stress is not an option, not if I want to save my house from the bank. So the SSRI it is. Paxil & Celexa both worked to stop the rage & breaking things for me. Good luck to you.
  25. Another INFJ. Description pretty accurate of me. Very interesting, don't think I've taken this test before.
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