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About randomnzguy

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    Junior Member
  • Birthday 03/26/1989

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    New Zealand
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    Nerdy geeky things!

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  1. I need to contact my father. I feel it's only my duty to at least touch base with my father soon. I feel a terrifyingly impending doom coming my way and before it arrives I need to tie up these loose ends. He is religious, and has disowned my brother for his sexual orientation. He's not crazy but he's probably as close as you get without being a nutter. It's been a year or so since we last spoke and before that it was scattered phone calls over the course of many years. I feel completely unattached with him(and everything lol) but at the same time I know what his own childhood was pretty horrific... So I find it hard to stay angry at him knowing he's basically ****ed in the head, like me, maybe worse? I guess worse. I have in a way outgrown his bulls*** teachings and now I look back at parts of my life and think how s***ty he has treated me and my mother(ignoring the fact he is a **** and disowned my brother). I want to tear him a new arsehole, but I know that is not the image I want him to have of me should this be the last time I contact him... And I want this conversation to have meaning or some sort of answer to the questions that plague my mind. And worse I know his own father was basically a sick **** criminal who deserved hell for the things he did to his family. I need to tell him how I am. I need to tell him who I am. I need to tell him about my tattoos, my drug use, my suicide attempts and just generally ask him for answer for some of the s***ty things he which had massive complications on my life. I need to have closure... How do you knock on a closed door? Is it worth me telling him anything?
  2. So 2 years on now from an original breakdown. Still not doing well, but I need to work. So I want to begin working again. In the past when I've tried I ended up just burning out again. It's happened 3 times now. I can't seem to hold a job for longer than 2 months. So this time part-time is probably going to be what I look for. I'm thinking 20-30 hours a week over 3 days preferably. I have some retail/trade skills and would like to pursue automotive work. I'd love to be able to work full time again but I just can't at the moment. I start off strong and quickly deteriorate as soon as sleep becomes an issue. I really can't handle another failed job attempt. Do you think I should just be honest about my problems when applying? Or am I better to just keep it private? I think at 27 it's hard to explain why you're only looking for part-time work? And also difficult to explain why I haven't worked in 2 years. But at the same time I don't want to keep it quiet in fear I might start struggling and lose another job. It would be nice to work with someone who understood the struggle of working while still having mental health problems and offered some support when required. I have severe insomnia/depression and a little anxiety in certain situations/social phobia. I am not taking medication for this currently. I'm not looking to immediately dive into a career but I don't want to wash dishes or something I don't at least have an interest in because I fear it will only worsen any positive outlook around working/jobs. Surely someone else would have been through this? Help please :)
  3. Well I told him. And he was so good about it, didn't blow up or anything which was good. I'm going to be a groomsman and another friend will hopefully be ok with stepping up to best man. I still feel quite depressed about it, just like.. because he doesn't really ask much of me and I always seem to let him down. I feel like I'm a really bad friend to have. I couldn't get out of bed today I just felt so sad and terrible, but after I told him and he was so good about it, it actually kinda made my morning because he was so kind it made me happy. Gah I don't deserve to have such a good friend when I am such a bad friend :( Thanks for all the help everyone I'm glad it's been sorted
  4. Thanks everyone for the kind comments. I still haven't told him. My friend is doing the bachelor party which is a huge relief.
  5. A friend asked me to be his best man a few months back for a wedding in September. I initially refused because I don't feel as if I know him deep enough to do it and suggested other closer friends. Somehow despite my constant refusal I've wound up being pushed into it. I don't even remember agreeing to any of this. It's making my anxiety go crazy. I've got to plan a bachelor party for him next month and other friends are putting significant pressure on me to organise everything. I can't do this. It's too much. I can't even get out of bed everyday yet alone organise all this and do all the wedding stuff also required. But I also don't want everyone to hate me for stuffing up nor do I want to lose a good friend. help :(
  6. First off this post is a little r-rated. I hope this is ok to post here and I will keep things as clean as possible. So I'm at week 6 of lexapro and have been having a bit of problems with my sex life since taking this stuff. Is this normal? My brother said he also had similar issues. So basically I have a decreased sexual interest/drive and it makes it difficult to enjoy any sexual activities. I last too long which makes things incredibly frustrating. Too the point where ************* is not even worth the effort and sex can take a very long time. Is there anyway around this? Do I need to talk to my doctor?
  7. Hey I don't have any advice for you re meds but I thought I might share my current experience with it seeing as I'm also at the 6 week point I did about 4 weeks on 10mg before I was bumped upto 20mg. I feel no improvement in mood or anxiety. I don't have trouble sleeping but I'm not currently in any routine and sleep when I want. I'm currently on the edge of giving up with everything but when I told the doc about my concerns it wasn't working they assured me it was fairly normal to have little change at this mark. It's usually from the 6 weeks mark you will begin to feel something and it will be marginal at this point. I'm still hanging in there hoping it will kick in. I was also against meds and this is my first attempt with them. Side effects below Slight energy loss (could be unrelated as I am the lowest I've ever been) Slight dopeyness over the day that makes it a little more difficult to concentrate Constipation and diarrhea (could be related to my diet changing also) Inability to drink hard alcohol(spirits) and mixing with alcohol resulted in me taking a police ride to the hospital and a complete black out effect of that night( I still don't remember doing any of the things that happened but apparently I was switching between 2 different people like a crazy person Sexual interest decline and increased "longevity" (while this might sound good performance wise, it also makes things quite unejoyable) Dunno if this helps
  8. I went and I was put on some meds. It's 2 weeks on monday. I feel no different but they make me spacey. Not supposed to drink or smoke on them :s I have been smoking but not drinking
  9. I'm considering asking my doctor for help and medication. He has been pretty cool in the past and we have discussed a little bit of the depression and I originally declined medication opting for a changed diet and exercise (which helps btw). Anyways things are getting a little out of control and I find myself missing more days at work, becoming more recluse, anxious, self conscious, paranoid. Basically I'm losing my and I would very much like to hold my together before it's too late... But I'm also very nervous and I find it difficult to be honest about my issues when around anyone who isn't direct family/friend. Are there any tips or read ups about what I need to be telling him? It probably sounds dumb but yea I'm not the type of person to go to the doctor unless it's serious... example - I once had a broken rib for 2 weeks before I got it checked.
  10. Thank you so much for the reply. So what happened in your soul mate situation and what did you do to move forward? I really appreciate that advice and I will look into where I can get that book locally. I've been wanting to read a couple more self help books recently to help me find clarity so I will start with this book.
  11. Hey So first off I will add that I'm co-dependent. I have drug and alcohol problems. I basically am just barely holding my together at the moment. So I have this friend. We are close and they also have major depression/suicidal issues. I've known them for about 2-3 years now and we hang out a couple times a month normally. We recently went from friends to pretty much a one night deal thing. At first I was really excited and happy... and then my nutty side took over. its been a while since I honestly had genuine feelings for someone. I'd give anything to go back and feel that connection again. I've had the odd crush, but yea never let anything happen and generally I push people away. But now I've got this horrible bs running through my mind all day and night. I can't get them out of my head. When I don't get a reply to a message I go on this crazy path of thinking they/everyone hates me then I get jealous and weird and all clingy and argh. I hate it. I know it's dumb but I just can't seem to deal with it rationally. I think maybe the one night thing is probably just that a one night thing. I don't know what to do. How do I process this situation? Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you cope? The other thing is this person is one of my closest friends and now everything is all ****ed up. I don't want to lose any more friends I legitimately have maybe 2 other people I talk to other than this person.
  12. As promised here is a photo of my cat :) It has helped a little with the loneliness because he's quite the cuddly cat too! I haven't posted in a while been pretty up and down. Dunno how much longer I'll be able to hold things together tbh but I'm still here. The feelings of distance are getting stronger. It feels as if I'm a different person nowadays and I look back on my last few years and think what happened, how did I get to this point... Who am I even?! I look in the mirror and I barely feel the person in the reflection is actually me. There's only one person left in this world that I still "feel" something for ,everyone else just makes me numb. I don't really know what to do. "sighs". It's been a dark night and I can't sleep. work in 5 hours. Peace out everyone. Cats are awesome, get one if you can
  13. I'm not on meds, but I am heavy on other things. I like pink floyd btw. There was no particular event that made me sad, just more of a snowball that continues to roll. I came close to leaving but I stayed. Things have not gotten better. I sometimes have a glimpse of hope but uhh well it just doesn't happen. I can't function like this for ever. Yesterday I finally saw a close friends and one of my brothers. At first it was nice and I was enjoying myself but by the end of the night I felt alienated, weird, empty and alone. I think the ones close to me are seeing me out of pity, like we are friends but we don't really connect anymore. It makes me very sad. I miss connections :'( . I love my friends so much and they;re all slipping away from me. No matter how hard I try they just get further disconnected. I wonder if they hate me. I miss my brothers, I miss a girl (to complex to explain in a sentence, but there's something just different and special about her, she hates me), I miss my mum (and we ****ing work together, we love each other but I walk past her at work 5+ times a day and we just smile at each other as if shes just some person smiling back at the mall or something, so weird.) .At some point the reaching out becomes pointless, "flogging a dead horse" is the feeling you get. I've been feeling this way strongly for about 1 year or a little more although I struggled a little in the past. I do have goals which I'm working towards and I have achieved some things that are pretty cool recently. Tbh I like the working part of a goal but I often find once at the end of the goal it's not as rewarding as it should be, as if the hype was more than the actual achievement. Apologies for the slow reply, I did read the emails and your messages were read and helpful. I would like to act like I've been busy and couldn't reply but that would be a lie. I didn't reply because even sharing this information with complete strangers is somewhat scary
  14. So I'm having a bad start today. I didn't go to work. I have loved ones on my mind who I can't stop thinking about. It's driving me nuts because I miss them so much it hurts in my chest. Does anyone else get this? Like a sinking nervous anxious feeling when you think about someone you miss greatly. More than anything. I function on the day to day. I mean I hold a job kind of and I do some exercise a couple times a week. But my life is just so empty. I've given up climbing the corporate ladder it was too much stress. I've given up on love because well I just fail time and time again. I've given up on most of my friends and they have given up on me. I've just given up on everything ever working out. Just existing to simply exist. No directions no impulses nothing. It almost feels like I'm just waiting. Counting down to something that Isn't ever coming. Has anyone else been here and actually come out of it? I'm ready to just leave or end my life tbh
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