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About XDV

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  • Birthday 10/10/1988

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  1. Happy Birthday, XDV!!!  :birfdayCake:  :Party_fest30:

  2. I am experiencing the worst depression ever in my life. I am suicidal, I am ashamed, I am guilty, and I hate myself in so many ways. I guarantee I will commit suicide. I don't know when, but I know that I will put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I am so ashamed because of the embarrassment I will experience if my family knows the truth about me. I know that I am just weak, and doing something like changing the way I look or going on a date will help, but I am so scared to do it. I feel like everything I do and say sounds exaggerated. Like a kid who hasn't grown up yet. I am going to be 28 in one week, and I still will feel like an absolute failure. I really cannot express how much guilt and shame I feel in words.
  3. I hate myself so ******* much. I am a faggot, and I really hope that I die soon.
  4. I don't think that you will need to argue for yourself. If you go in there and tell them a very basic story of your depression, they will begin to ask questions to specify the problem. You will get through an appointment with a therapist, when you see that they, most likely, will not push you further than you are ready to go. But, as soon as you begin to feel comfortable with the situation, begin divulging more and more private and difficult information about yourself. I will be returning to therapy on Saturday, and I know that I must be willing to be as open as possible to giving and receiving new information about my condition. Even though some of what I will say will probably seem painful, I know that not saying what I need to say will lead to the only true pain that exists, which is regret. It's usually a slow process, but building a trusting relationship with a good therapist can help a lot.
  5. I have ended online therapy quicker than I thought I would. My therapist is concerned that I have severe depression and suicidal ideation. He told me that I have to receive direct help as soon as possible to begin counteracting patterns of despair. I admitted to him as much as I could, but when I had a very bad day, he told me he was very concerned with me. I am clinically at risk.
  6. Get friends. It's hard to do, I can't do it, but you should try. Other people help bring out things in you that you didn't know you had. I believe a part of everyone's personality can only be revealed when they get to know and care about people. Having someone to hangout with regularly helps alleviate apathy and boredom.
  7. I think it's going to be a either a lifelong struggle for me or one huge risk taken to freedom. I think if I want to every really be the kind of person I should be I have to risk everything by doing something that will shake up my life. I think it's the only real way to get better. I think everyone knows that intrinsically, but is afraid of facing it.
  8. I am 27 and still a virgin. I don't really think about that fact very much. At this point, I don't know if I ever will. I don't actively seek it enough to get it, so I probably will be virgin for quite a while longer. I probably will feel bad if someone found out, but I am not going to worry about it. I think if I was presented with an opportunity for sex, I would probably turn it down. I don't know how to handle that level of emotion. I cannot see myself having a romantic relationship with anyone either. For some people, that is insane. For me, it doesn't matter that much right now.
  9. Now that I have tried online therapy for a few days, I can say it is going to help me somewhat. It is text based, and I can send a message whenever I want. Because of that, whenever I have an important thing I want to share, I can type it out and send it whenever I want. This allows me to explain new things I never could before, because I would always forget what it was that was bothering me. I did not have that advantage before. I want to keep revealing more personal issues as they come up.
  10. For me, getting better means interacting with people better. But, I don't find a lot people that I actually want to talk to. Everyone has such strong opinions on the world, and I don't. My philosophy is to not worry about the world, because you cannot change it by yourself. Most people don't think that, so it's hard to talk to them about anything of importance. .
  11. I just started doing online therapy today. I think it is from the same site as SFChristianGirl. I have seven free days and can talk as much as I want. My therapist is trained in "Gestalt" therapy, which I have never heard of before. I am used to CBT, which I didn't find very effective. I hope this new method helps me more and gets me to look closer at my problems than I have ever had before. I am just happy to be trying. My first post I sent to them is probably the best description of my life I have ever given to a therapist. Now, it just depends on whether or not the therapist understands what I am saying. That is always the hardest thing.
  12. I am going to try online therapy. I hope it helps me out. I am ready to solve every single problem that is stopping me from being happy.
  13. Today, I noticed something about myself. I think that I might have some kind of identity crisis. I realized that there are many things about myself that I don't understand. I want friends, but I don't. I am gay, but I am not. I need to start a family, but I don't. I want to be a real man, but I don't. It's like a lifelong, bad identity crisis that has prevented me from maturing properly. I think that I have acted the way I think I am supposed to rather than how I really am. At this point, I don't even know who I am. Another problem is that I am so distracted by other things that even having an identity issue can fade in the back of my mind. This makes it so extremely difficult to explain how I really feel. I noticed this while I was at work about eight and a half hours ago. Now, I am trying to recall how I felt, and I cannot. I can barely focus on writing this intelligibly. Because of this, I want to find an identity crisis specialist. I don't know if that exists or not, but I am willing to do therapy over Skype. Does any doctor do this? I need someone who is really good at diagnosing problems.
  14. I have problems that 13 year-olds are supposed to get over. It's awful.
  15. I feel disconnected from people, because I don't feel like a real man. And worse, because I don't want know if I want to be a real man. I don't feel right.
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