KeepingAwake

**************TRIGGERING TO THE EATING DISORDERED***************************************** I was reading about the feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump today. One of the websites that I read relayed an interview with the Donald and his wife 2 months after his new wife had given birth to their son Baron. The reporter was amazed at how quickly Melania (the wife) had lost her pregnancy weight, and remarked about it to Melania, in the Donald's presence. And this self-centered, insecure P**k commented that she hadn't lost all the baby weight--she was still 4 pounds over her pre-pregnancy weight!! Can you believe this??? Made me think of my old bf Simon, who was quite concerned with my appearance, weight, etc. I was young and stupid at the time and took his nastiness to heart and lost an obscene amount of weight as a result of his constant stream of insults. Weight I had no business losing, frankly. The scenario above is EXACTLY what I would have expected from him if we had ever had children together, and one of many reasons I chose not to marry him when he proposed. He was like the Donald--came from nothing and was totally obsessed with being successful and making a lot of money and having the right accessory on his arm. And he would be impotent bf number 1, so those of you have watched me struggle with the whole 'is g's impotence my issue' from time to time now know where this comes from. Cause let me tell you, Simon did a great job of convincing me it was me and my 'fat' that was the problem. Only when I was 15-20 pds underweight and he then complained I was too thin did I realize it had nothing to do with me. Somewhere in that 40 pd range should have been 'right', no? Maybe that's the MO with these guys--find an attractive girl so others will think they are sexual when in reality they are not. Interestingly, I was the first non-model that Simon had dated. Maybe he is the Donald's long lost twin, but with hair. G is their cousin, as he has felt compelled to relate his history with beauty queens, etc. What makes men think that telling you that they are now 'slumming it' is going to make you drawn to them somehow? Oh s***. G is just Simon all over again, isn't he? Just a less extreme version... Simon is successful now, and not surprisingly, still alone. He's so insecure that there's no one 'good enough' since everyone will judge him based on her in his view. You can look him up--he runs ebay motors. The only time that Simon was ever interested in sex was when he'd gotten his hands on some new porn. When you live with someone you can figure this out. And of course the first thing I thought when G started falling all over himself a few weeks ago was that he had gotten his hands on some new porn. Decided I was carrying past issues into the present and decided to let that go, but it turns out I wasn't. Last weekend, he knocked something off the nightstand and couldn't find it. So I went to look for it and he overreacted. I saw the porn, although he doesn't know I did. The little speech I got later from him about not liking porn and it's just me me me lost a lot of it's punch(trying to explain another instance of nuttin goin on), I must say, since I knew he was lying the whole time. And I'm avoiding going over there right now, actually. Have no interest, really. Just not in the mood to get rejected, let down, whatever you want to call it. What a mess. At the moment I can't believe any compliment he has ever paid me since I now suspect it was all lies since I know it has recently been lies. And I don't feel great anyway--I'm running at the high end of my range to boot. God I was so much thinner when I was running all those half marathons! Yes, there are plenty of men who think I look great. I know --I meet a lot of men in my job, I travel and meet even more men who all think I look great, and I know part of why I get hired for sales job is that they think my customer will at least let me in for the first meeting cause I'm cute, but G doesn't. Why do men even date women that they don't find attractive? Why does anyone for that matter? I've never understood this. Cause I've never done it. I should email Simon this blog entry !! LOL SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I didn't marry that jerk!!!!!!!!!!! Should have kept the ring though! hehehehe! But some things never change. I've spent my whole life with parents who thought and freely told me that I was too unattractive, fat and intelligent to get a man, so I was easy prey for this type of man. Luckily there have been some decent guys in the mix too. PLEASE don't email me, comment, that I look fine. Rationally I know I do. I've met nearly ALL of my bf's at the high end of my normal weight range, and nearly all of them had working equipment, so I know it's fine. But having an impotent bf messes with your head, there's no way around it. It just does. Anyway, just thought the Donald's comments were ridiculous and feel bad that poor Melania was willing to sell her soul to the Devil that way. Cause she had to know he was like this before she married him. At least I haven't married any of these idiots. And overall I am fine--work is good, etc. Just took a little detour this morning when I saw that stupidity that the Donald was spewing.

I think that your doc may want to raise your Lex dose because Lex is not a drug that is easily abused, while all of the benzos, like lorazepam, are abused quit easily. My advice would be to see how you do the next few weeks on the Lex. Keep a log of your Lorazepam use. Then go back to your doc and decide whether it makes more sense to take a higher dose of Lex or to stay on your current dose and supplement with a benzo as needed. If you are taking the benzo daily, or nearly daily, I would say to slowly raise your Lex dose. KA

lestat, If I remember correctly, you are fairly young, which would suggest that your gf is also fairly young. I don't think she laughed to hurt yiu, I think she was trying to make the best of a difficult situation for you both, to let you know she was still 'on board'. And while it may not have been the best choice, she was improvising--trying to handle situations as they presented themselves. She didn't overtly criticize you, she didn't leave, she didn't break up with you. It was a surprising and uncomfortable situation for you both, and she played through the best she knew how. Let me tell you a secret, as a girl. Women are raised believing that all men want is sex. And that they are always ready for sex. That's not exactly TRUE. But it is what most women believe when they are young. And, I suspect what most men believe when they are young as well. So, while it was confusing and frustrating to YOU that your meds were interfering with your plans, it was utterly CONFOUNDING to her. The good news? You guys got through it. That says quite a lot!! You two obviously care for one another (and that is really what is most important to we girls in the end). Sometime when sex is not about to happen, start a discussion. Tell her how much you care for her, hw you are attracted to her, and that your meds have imposed a bit of a 'game delay'. She appears to care for you very much. And if that is indeed the case, she wants to know what is going on with you and how to work with the situation. And trust me, she will try. If her laughter (which I do think was of nervousness and surprise) hurt you, tell her! She didn't mean to hurt you, I don't think, but it is better if she knows that it did , so she will not do it again. She doesn't WANT to hurt you I don't think, and will be careful not to in future if you tell her it did. Give her a hug, tell her how much you love her, and know she loves you, and are attracted to her, and let her know--hey, we were both surprised the other night! I absolutely wanted to be with you, but my meds are making things a bit different from what we both expected, eh? Thanks for not giving up, because we both wanted to be together and we found our way!! Hooray! But please, in future, if things take an unexpected turn, even if you feel nervous, try not to laugh at me. That hurt me. I Love you, and I know you love me, I am most definitely attracted to you (yes, that last nit is important) and together, we will find our way. I trust you and I know we will. Although you meant no harm, laughing hurts me in those moments, and I am asking that you not do that again. You two are going to be ok I think! You seem to have a powerful bond and you will get past this. :) KA

I have thought about that today on my way home from work.My GP did recommend me seeing a psychiatrist but the one he referred me to doesn't accept insurance.I'll check more into it.I called up my brother and asked him just what is it that he feels before he was medicated and we sound similar.But...he really offended me by saying that what my problem is that I can't cope without some kind of med and he called me a druggie.I told him that I don't do drugs and that I'm not a druggie.My doc has just been trying to find the right med for me.See,he has quit taking his meds and said that he knows how to cope without them and that I should do the same.Oh well,I won't ask for his thoughts anymore. Sheepie! Your brother is engaged in a different battle. While some of his symptoms may seem similar,he is apparently still struggling with how best to manage those symptoms. If he decides to go without meds, well, that is HIS choice. He is free to make it as a US citizen. If you choose to employ meds, that is YOUR choice, also supported in the US. But his choices are in no way a gauge of yours. You do what you need to do! No, you are not a druggie. You are an experienced and intelligent woman who knows what treatment works best for her situation. That knowledge was hard-won. You hold it dear. Good for you! You know what works for you! That is a blessing! Your brother, well, his issues are his issues. He has no right to judge you regarding yours. Anymore than you have to judge him regarding his. We are all just trying to find our best life. We all have that option. Let your brother whine to someone else if he can't accept you, or if you can't bear to hang up the phone, understand that his insults are part of his own process in arriving at a treatment option that works for him. It's not about YOU. ((((((Sheepy))))))))))) KA

Starfish, Oh Hon, I feel for you! you are trying to get help and you can't find an answer! It sounds as though you may need to work with a psychiatrist regarding a possible bi-polar diagnosis of some sort. And babe, while you are drinking, at all, there is no way to determine if your meds are off. Alcohol messes with meds, messes wiith sleep, and that makes it even more difficult to be accurately diagnosed. Try going off the alcohol, going to a p-doc, or a new p-doc, and starting over. I know it's really frustrating to start over. But isn't it also frustrating to not get the result you seek? Six of one, half dozen of the other, eh? But you don't want to give up, you wouldn't have posted otherwise. So get off the booze, and start over. We're here with you on the journey!! KA

Lex was 'miracle drug' for me. What were you prescribed Lex to treat? And at what dose?? For depression, most people feel somewhat better within 2-3 weeks at 10 mg, sometimes sooner. For anxiety, well, that appears to take both longer and higher doses. I was on Lex 10 mg for a long time for depression. Could tell that 'something' was happening within 10 days. But my anxiety was untouched. Eventually, due to an assault, my dose was raised from 10 to 20 and guess what? Anxiety gone!! Although I did get some unrelenting side effects--sweating, horrible periods. But overall, I'd take the SE's vs. the anxiety. ;) Just my experience here. But it does seem that anxiety takes about 6-8 weeks for Lex to improve and more dose fiddling than does depression from everything I read here when I was a moderator. KA I am on Lexapro for anxiety and depression. Neither is better so far, however, I have taken it in the past and got good results from it for anxiety and depression. I just don't remember how long it took to kick in. I am hoping to feel better by the end of next week since I am scheduled to go on a trip with another lady and don't want to be a drag! Don't seem to feel any effects yet. Am thinking of uping the dose to 15 mg by the end of next week if I am not any better. Any thoughts on that? Dinky Dinky, How long have you been taking it and at what dosage?

Lex was 'miracle drug' for me. What were you prescribed Lex to treat? And at what dose?? For depression, most people feel somewhat better within 2-3 weeks at 10 mg, sometimes sooner. For anxiety, well, that appears to take both longer and higher doses. I was on Lex 10 mg for a long time for depression. Could tell that 'something' was happening within 10 days. But my anxiety was untouched. Eventually, due to an assault, my dose was raised from 10 to 20 and guess what? Anxiety gone!! Although I did get some unrelenting side effects--sweating, horrible periods. But overall, I'd take the SE's vs. the anxiety. ;) Just my experience here. But it does seem that anxiety takes about 6-8 weeks for Lex to improve and more dose fiddling than does depression from everything I read here when I was a moderator. KA

Thecol, I think you are a wee bit confused about what is your responsibility and what is his responsibility. You have clearly said that you feel extremely uncomfortable embarking on or participating in a sexual relationship outside of marriage because anything else would conflict with your religious views. So you know where you stand and have articulated that to your bf. Good for you! Anything that he does to undermine that, push the limits, extract bargains, etc. is abusive. Plain and simple. Let's put it in a different metaphor, ok? If you told BF that you were a devout vegan, and he kept trying to force you to eat meat, would you feel that you needed to compromise? Explain yourself? Bargain? Plead and beg? Uhhhhhhh.......no. No you would not. If he asked you to deviate from any core belief of yours, well, that is disrespectful of him. There can be no LOVE without RESPECT. He can either deal with the way things are, or he can move on. I suppose the real question is what are you afraid of? What do you fear is going to happen to you if you follow your belief system? And why is that fear so big? You don't have to share with us here if you'd prefer not to do so. But I think the question of what are you fearing is the one that will expedite the resolution for you. ;) KA

The sacrament of Confession in the Catholic church does require confessing of sins before either a priest or a priest and some of the community depending upon your parish. The thinking behind this is that there is no way in which one can 'sin' that does not produce ripple effects upon one's community, and therefor, involvement of the community in confession on some level is important. I was raised Catholic, although I no longer practice. However, I think the Catholics did get this one right. When we behave in ways which are in conflict with our beliefs (and I do mean beliefs, not simply doctrine) we do damage our communities. Even if it is only because in our state of shame we are overly self-interested and not available to those around us. Our absence is damaging.

The more pervasive issue here is that in Western culture ( as I know no other and could not begin to comment on others) is that women are viewed as property. Objects, if you will. And therefore, otherwise normal and kind people feel it's appropriate to comment on your physical appearance. As thought they were commenting on a car, a house, a boot they saw in the store, a tree. Just more property. I've been all over the scale--overweight, underweight, and healthy. No matter where I've been, people have seen fit to comment as though I had solicited their input. Constantly. It's as offensive to me to have someone tell me I'm 'hot' as it is to say that I'm too heavy or too thin or 'just right'. None of this is anyone's business but my own. So I think that the real issue is that we are viewed as public property. Who owns a woman's self-image? It should be the woman, but in Western culture, it appears that anyone but us attempts to own it. To me that is the underlying issue. We must define ourselves. I realize that this is a more complicated issue for those with eating disorders, but it is an issue that all women hold in common. If someone were to come to you and complain about some other aspect of your life, would you listen? Then why listen to this aspect's comments and complaints? How is it different? WHY is it different? I suppose that is the question.