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About Sleepyinadarkroom

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  • Birthday 04/29/1989

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  • Location
    United States
  • Interests
    Video games, anime, drawing

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  1. I live together with my mother and currently do not work. My last job was a simple grocery bagger at a supermarket, but it was too stressful for me to be around that many people, so I had to quit. Now my mother is telling me that we will soon lose our house because she can't pay the bills with her social security and by the time we got a disability claim to go through we will already be living on the streets. She is panicking and putting so much pressure on me to find a job, as if it was a simple wave of a magic wand that would instantly remove all of our debts. Nevermind the fact that I have no qualifications to be hired anywhere other than retail, and even assuming I was hired, the work-related stress would put us back at square one before long. Instead of sympathizing, she sees my hesitation to work as evidence of me being a good-for-nothing bum who doesn't want to help her. Despite the fact that I've given every cent I can spare for food and other resources we've needed. She's so hysterical, she won't listen to a word I say, and is convinced that all I want to do is get a free ride from her while living the easy life at her expense. She could never possibly understand my depression, my social anxiety, my plethora of deep-rooted emotional issues that keep me from being happy or even comfortable around others. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like all I can do is helplessly watch both of our lives crumble away to nothing.
  2. There is a side of me that some would consider "normal": the side of me that feels empathy towards others, and craves affection and yearns for friendship. A side that tries to seek out hobbies and healthy ways to spend my time. But, there is another side. A self-destructive side, that wants to make people hate me, that craves anger and sadness and despair. This side of me only seeks isolation, and slowly but surely gnawing away at me through endless suffering. An aspect of my personality that borders on being physically violent sometimes. Like all of my hatred and despair, bottled up and ready to explode. A side that wants to start a fight rather than make a new friend. A side that relishes in the satisfaction of rejection and pain. I am not always like this, but this demon within me tends to rear its ugly head just when I am starting to get too comfortable with how things are. What exactly is wrong with me?
  3. Ever since my dog died back in September, I've felt nothing but this aching emptiness constantly eating away at me. I have no strength in my body anymore, no motivation to do anything. I get out of bed, eat a meal, and then crawl right back into bed, the constant exhaustion never fading. My dog was my only sense of comfort I had left. Seeing her furry face and holding her in my arms would make all of my troubles melt away, if only for a moment. Now that she's gone, I have nothing left to give me strength. I have no close friends to go out with, no hobbies besides video games, the internet, and sleep to idle away the endless hours. My life has become empty. There is nothing left.
  4. I have many deep-rooted emotional and psychological issues. I am seeing a couple of therapists, but they can only do so much for me and I am always forced to wait weeks between each appointment with them. I join forums like these in the naive hope that some complete stranger out there can somehow help me with these problems which even professional therapists have been unable to help me solve through all of these years. But more than that, I just feel so completely alone. All of my friends have gone away from me, I seldom ever leave my house anymore. And as much as I want to go out and socialize... I get very anxious in social situations and have a very difficult time trusting people. I am torn between the desire to end my loneliness and reach out to whoever I can, and the desire to withdraw into the familiar comfort and safety of eternal solitude. I'm so skittish, it took a great deal of effort just for me to type up this topic.
  5. It just seems like every conversation I have with what few "friends" I can manage to keep always involve yelling, and failing to connect in even the remotest sense. I've always felt so far away from the rest of humanity, like I was never meant to communicate with anyone. And with time, this theory was only proven, then cemented, then unarguably FUSED to my mind. It is abundantly clear to me, after all this time, that I was MEANT to be alone, both now and forever. Any attempts I make in gaining new friends or maintaining previous relationships always, invariably, end in disaster and utter despair. Frustrated, miserable, and guilt-ridden, I can't help but wish for it all to end sometimes... But I am programmed to march on, through this endless misery, for reasons I can no longer remember. My life... is a gigantic void of nothingness, pure loneliness that can never HOPE to find freedom from its cold isolation.
  6. I know it's been a while since I've posted anything on these forums... Things have been both good and bad lately; but in general, quite hectic. I've been making some new friends, sort of... But things have a way of becoming complicated quite easily, at least for me. On one hand, I've been very fortunate and happy these past few days, especially. But at the same time, all I can dwell on is the fact that I have so much work to catch up on, and despite my brief happiness, my depression and anxiety about the future seem to overpower me still. Am I just naturally depressed, even when things are going well for me? Am I forever doomed to see everything through a negative veil the rest of my life??
  7. I've been on these forums for a while, and now I finally feel like sharing my deepest, most personal story with all of you out there.This story is such a long one, I don't know where to even begin. Well, I suppose I should start about 4 years ago, when I first met the boy of my dreams... let's just call him "Ry", shall we? Back then, he was just a quiet, lonely boy who thought of himself as "straight". But I soon became drawn to him nonetheless... I wanted to comfort this poor little emo boy, and assure him that there was at least one person who loved him... adored him, worshipped him, even. We somehow became friends, but that just wasn't enough for me. I began to tell him, little by little, how I felt about him. He didn't mind it, but said he couldn't be my boyfriend. Back then, I was desperate for love... even moreso than I am now, and that's saying something. But, his passive response, the way he said he "didn't mind"... and that look in his eyes, as if he was hiding something that he was perhaps ashamed to say out loud. Whatever the reason, I started "testing" how much he really "didn't mind"; that is, how far he was willing to go with me. The results were surprisingly exciting, if I begged and groveled and buttered him up enough. But he always stubbornly refused to let me kiss him, or kiss me... And so, my happiness with him was always fleeting, because it would always be followed shortly thereafter by crippling waves of guilt and rejection. But at the same time, he would always hint that he enjoyed it... a brief smile before turning away, and little things like that. At one point, he told me he thought he might even be bisexual. I became addicted to him; taking whatever I possibly could from this perfect, beautiful boy; because I knew eventually he wouldn't let me anymore... and sure enough, I was right. Our relationship became rocky, and we had a few harsh arguments with each other, causing us to stay separated for long periods of time... during which, I would wallow in misery and depression at the thought of losing "The One" for me. After many months of not seeing each other, he gave me the biggest surprise ever, when he suddenly contacted me out of the blue. He told me he had "come out of the closet" as being exclusively gay. He told me he had a boyfriend, who lived on the other side of the world. "I feel bad that we never got to do anything, considering how strongly you feel about me. Even with all this time apart, my feelings for him hadn't changed. And even though he clearly didn't love me the way I loved him, I simply could NOT say "No" to having sex with the most perfect boy I've ever met. We set up a date to "meet", the tension growing stronger every day... And then, the day before we were going to do it, he changed his mind, and said he never wanted to see or speak to me again. The pain, the devastation... was indescribable. I fell into the deepest depression of my life, and attempted to commit suicide a few times. He then contacted me once again, saying his first boyfriend didn't work out, but now he had a "line" of potential boyfriends waiting for him, and that I would have to hope none of THEM worked out either, if I ever wanted to be his boyfriend. As time passed, he continued to go through one unsuccessful "long-distance relationship" after another, all the while never telling me for sure whether he loved me or not... his answer was always "perhaps". I knew he was using me, but I just... couldn't let him go. It was like there was an empty space in my heart, reserved just for him... for my Ry. It's been many months since I've seen or heard from him now... but according to my one friend, who knows Ry... Ry has gone to California to meet with his newest boyfriend. But, despite, this... Ry still remains in my thoughts, in my dreams... I can't help but wonder: Has everything we've been through together been for nothing? Does he really feel nothing for me at all, or has he been hiding his true feelings all this time? Because it has become quite obvious over the years that I am unable to just "forget about him and move on"... I have made up my mind, to confront him... to speak to him once more, IN PERSON, when the time is just right. It's the only way I can hope to find the answers to the questions swirling around in my head. But... what would I even say to him?
  8. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  9. Feeling sort of neutral right now... Which I suppose is good, comparitively speaking.

  10. I thought I was feeling better for a little while, but then I remembered exactly why I'm so depressed all the time. Perhaps ignorance really is bliss... I'm depressed, quite simply, because I am alone. And I am alone, because I am depressed. It is a perpetuating cycle that has been with me for my entire life. I lock myself away in the depths of my room, steering clear of the world out of feelings of shame and self-loathing. No one else knows the disturbing thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis... They would never understand me for who I truly am: a monster, a sicko, a freak. When I am with others; I can see in their expressions, their reactions, their interests and mannerisms; that I am completely different from all of them, on even the most basic level. The only "friends" that I have are those who haven't already abandoned me, who believe they can reach out to me, even when they are so utterly incompatible with me. My addictions of the flesh have completely overtaken my sanity... I cannot focus on anything important, and I continue to lose potential friends with my own awkwardness and social blunders... and yet, my counselors insist that as long as I am not physically acting upon these obsessive thoughts, then they are "not really a serious problem". Is a man who contemplates m***** not a ******er, until he acts upon it? Perhaps that's a cruel comparison, but I honestly don't care enough to see the difference anymore. I've grown so sick and tired of... everything. My whole life seems to be nothing but waiting; waiting for things to somehow get better, waiting for myself to take the initiative to make my life better... but nothing ever changes. Perhaps I'll just keep on waiting, forever?
  11. Haven't been on in a while... because nothing much has really changed. Don't know what to post about, so I don't post anything.

  12. Hey, I was out of town this weekend. Hope you're doing ok....


  13. There's a good chance I'll get to hang out with one of my friends today! WHAT WIZARDRY IS THIS?!?!

  14. Ugh... Urgh... GARH! >_<

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