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About I_think

  • Birthday 09/19/1989

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    Wales, UK.

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  1. Happy Birthday! I hope you are doing well :)

  2. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  3. I cancelled the last one. :( Was completely too depressed to go. I'm thinking of maybe asking them if I can change the weekly appointment arrangement. It really is too much for me. To me, a month feels like a week. Weeks feel like 2 days. I just can't keep up with it. How has your counselling been going? I'm keen to know how things have progressed for you.
  4. Check this site out if you think you have problems: www.perfectlynot.com

  5. We're in quite similar positions you and I! Well, the funny thing is, despite the fact that I was actually referred here by my psychiatrist, this is also a voluntary service... a charity in fact. I had to pay
  6. You have a very healthy way of thinking, Azzy. It's interesting to see the same conclusion drawn from a different perspective. You're brave for admitting to your doubts in the first place. There are lots who would force those thoughts so far into the back of their mind that they wouldn't ever voice them. It's not a bad thing to be questioning your faith at all. Your anxiety obviously comes from feeling somewhat fearsome about what those doubts could mean though (all completely normal.) Especially since your beliefs are long held... it would be especially difficult to deal with that doubt. I imagine it would cause a lot of anxiety. It's good to question everything. Whatever conclusion you come to then, would at least have been tested and questioned... so maybe you can find peace in the thought that you've come to that conclusion thought a lot of thinking and not through just letting your 'faith in faith' alone carry you to that conclusion. It's good to question everything, just remember that. :) Let's see if I can make this make some sense. During periods of acute anxiety, I question my faith. It begins like this "Don't worry, have faith" - because when I'm not anxious I believe in a God that loves me and that I have a purpose in my life. But as soon as I say that, the what-ifs start. So it goes from "Don't worry, have faith" to "But, what if have faith in something that really doesn't exist?" Then I argue with myself about it ad nauseum until the anxiety lessens, and my mind calms down. For me, in the beginning, before I knew what anxiety was, I accused myself of not having enough faith. Now I realize that my doubt has nothing really to do with faith, but everything to do with GAD. Knowing that makes me more hopeful, but doesn't make the questions go away. Like you said, faith is something you can't logic yourself into, and my anxiety ridden mind does just that. It tries to logic its way into something illogical, which is fruitless. By admission, I am a highly emotional person, even when "healthy" of mind and body. So when I'm healthy, faith makes sense to me on a highly emotional and intuitive level. I can point to experiences in my life when I have seen what I believe to be the hand of a loving God. However, when anxious, it seems I go to the extreme opposite. And yet, somehow I still cling to it even during my intense doubt. I often say during those times that I don't have enough faith to NOT believe. There are people in the world to seem to have "God" experiences daily. They have the "peace that passes all understanding". I can honestly say I've never felt that peace. I am jealous of those people. Sometimes I think that if I could have that feeling just once, maybe I wouldn't struggle so much. The one thing I can say, is that I have never felt foresaken by God. I have been angry with God and I tell God that. I figure God said I had to love him, he never said I couldn't get mad at him. Heck, I get mad at my family and I love them. It also irritates me to no end that some people have told me that I just needed more faith and I wouldn't be depressed or anxious. To which I say, you don't tell a person with Diabetes to just get over it. They fail to remember that this is an illness like any other. Thanks for the questions, and hearing me out.
  7. Hi, I've been wanting to purchase 'The Believing Brain' too. I think it's important people read such books. Even believers. Yeah, totally agree. I wish I could believe-- I know my life would have been easier had I had not only the support system of billions of others (heck, I'd settle for millions), but God the omnipotent and omniscient. But I just can't. It makes no sense and because it makes no sense and because I have no impetus or anything ingrained in me that favors belief, it just ain't gonna happen. I tried. I prayed. I was baptized. No God, no miracle, no nothing. The world is not a miracle-- for all the beauty you see, there's an equal measure of ugliness. Tell me how God can allow innocent little children to starve to death or die in terrible pain of diseases, or be killed casually by fate or some of the rest of us-- any rationale you give, whether it's original sin or God's plan for the world or it all comes out for the best, does not wash with me. I just finished Michael Shermer's "The Believing Brain," where he argues that we start with the belief, and our perceptual filter system looks for evidence to support it-- also, that we have a natural, evolutionary drive to (a) look for patterns in our world, and (b) to look for agents that are the cause the patterns. He gives the example of being a primitive man in the African savanna who hears a rustle in the tall grass. Is it the wind, or is it a hungry lion? From an evolutionary perspective, it's better to assume it's a lion and act accordingly. So for millenia, the explanation for patterns in the world was God. You want rain, or your kid to survive a traumatic injury? Pray to God. Science has eroded this, since so much can be explained without needing to resort to "God made it and that's all I need to know." I'm in the middle of Jesse Bering's "The Belief Instinct," which actually cuts closer to the built-in edge ratboy refers to for believers-- that we (well, other people, apparently not I) developed an instinct for belief because it helps us. So far, it reads like Bering is opting for "if you believe in it, then at some level it must be true," which to me is circular. But I have no doubt that I would not be posting on a depression board, if only I could have believed in a God who cared for me. It is the overarching sense of the solitary battle that has worn me down over the years.
  8. And you live in the US too, right? So the system is defective elsewhere?
  9. Hi Steve. I cannot believe that your counselor told you that God was going to take care of everything. I have a feeling this counselor I'm seeing is religious. (I don't mean for that to sound derogatory in any way, just in case anyone might get offended). If not religious, then at least very superstitious. Just strange things she was mentioning, for example, she asked my age and then said, 'Oh yes, I remember seeing that you were born in the month of September, is that right?' I replied with 'Yes', in a questioning voice and waited for her to tell me why that mattered. There was nothing. I'm guessing she was thinking of my horoscope, trying to determine my personality through that. There's no other reason she would have brought attention to that. Then when I was leaving the building, walking down the stairs with her, another woman was walking up at the same time and refused to walk passed us because of her superstition. My counselor was like 'Ohh no, can't walked passed each other on the stairs, it's bad luck.' This to me, is extremely disappointing! To learn that all the people running this place are believing that if you walk passed another person on the stairs, you're going to have bad luck all day. I really don't think people with such belief systems can help people with mental illnesses. They're trying to rewire your brain and the way you think because it's damaging, yet they believe in silly superstitions? What could I ever learn from someone like that? I'm there to try to correct flaws in my own thoughts, not fill my mind with other silly worries that could make me worse. I mean, what if I was so worried that I had bad luck that day that I ended up ******* myself? I know I'm digressing here, but I think it's a serious point to make.
  10. Hi Amaris, I'll update you on my situation... I cancelled the second appointment because I was feeling even more agoraphobic than usual. I just couldn't even think about going. I was still stuck in that state of disappointment from the first session and I really felt 'flat' about making the effort to go the second time. Then the week after that, the counselor cancelled herself because she was going on holidays. (VERY unprofessional. She should have notified the people she works for that she was going on hols. They didn't even know when she was due to be back and whether she'd be back for my next appointment.) I had to wait to hear from her. She said she was back from holidays and I was feeling less angry about the first time, so I went to the appointment. This was Monday (just gone). She spoke more this time. Whenever there were those horrific awkward silences where she'd look at me weirdly, I'd just look away and not speak, thus FORCING her to say the next word. She's generally quite weird, I've come to conclude. But I've learnt to just drag out the silence until she speaks. It was less uncomfortable this time, but she really still doesn't give me much back. I was told to try to bake a cake... kind of my 'homework' until Monday. I haven't done it. I told her even the thought of trying to do something like that is beyond what I'm capable of right now, in this mental state I'm in. And to be honest, the week has just gone so quickly (because I never go anywhere, it only seems like yesterday that I went to see her) that my sense of time is all wrong and I feel like I never have the time to do anything. I'll tell her that. I'm so sorry that you're in the same boat as me now. I advise you to do the same thing I did and just play her at her own game. Don't fill in the awkward gaps and exhaust yourself. Just look away and wait until she speaks (she'll have to eventually) and it'll make her realise that you need her input. When's your next appointment? I have to go every Monday.
  11. I'd love to see your art! I think you can upload photos to a gallery, but I just put mine as my profile picture instead.
  12. 8 hours is a small amount for me. :-\ I ALWAYS need 12 hours of sleep. I'm lucky if I wake up after 10 hours. I know it's probably really bad, but I've never thought much about it. I also have no good sleeping pattern. I sometimes sleep for 12 hours in the day, sometimes at night. The times change every day. I tend to go go sleep an hour or two later each night, thus sleeping until a later time until I work my way around the clock.... and yes, I suffer with major depression.
  13. ESA is the new 'incapacity benefit'... They got rid of that altogether. As you can see by the name 'Employment and Support Allowance', they're trying to word everything so that you eventually get back into work. If needed then, you need to apply for Disability Living Allowance separately. Hope this helps.
  14. Yes, we should all definitely round up and give each other as much help as possible. A lot of people describe art as therapeutic, but I've never been able to enjoy it. If I want to start painting, I know I have to endure weeks of the most severe depression and anger.... which is awful because I'm not an angry person at all. I'm normally very passive. I was the pupil with the highest grades in school when it came to art but my social phobia, depression and agoraphobia meant that going to school was hell. Of course, I didn't know I suffered with all these things at the time... I just had no idea why it was I couldn't cope with life. So my art teachers would put me down. Tell me I was ruining it for myself by being absent all the time. I know it was all true, but it made me fear school more. One particular teacher told me to change my entire art project half way through because she thought it was going nowhere. I think more than anything she was jealous of my talent. She failed art when she was in school and only got her qualifications during university. Of course, when I had the highest grades in the year then she would hate it. I ended up quitting the class altogether. I cried to her. She told me not to, that it would all be ok and I think she felt bad for all she'd put me through. But I told her it was too late. And since leaving school, I just really hate creating art. Wow, I thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way!! I used to have a career in art, and ended up leaving it for various reasons that had mainly to do with my inability to control my severe depression. I started to hate the business - how it was run, how projects were selected, what people had to do to get "attention" in that world, and I eventually ended up resenting most of the other artists who worked in that business as well. I realized that having a successful career in art had little to do with talent, ability or experience. It was strictly about who you knew. Period. The second I realized that, I had to get out. I almost never draw anymore. I used to love it with a passion, and I know that I have it in me somewhere, but it's too painful to try to drag out again and work on. Like the feeling that working on a new piece of art is going to entail scattering hundreds of markers, pads of paper, books and other junk that will have to be cleaned up later. I can't be bothered making the commitment anymore. It always ends up a disappointment that isn't worth starting. Sometimes I draw in a sketch book, but they're just doodles. Very rarely I will try to bring a sketch to a finished piece, but it never works out anymore. I wish I could sit down with my art and figure out how to make it worthwhile for myself again. All it reminds me of is how many people there are out there who can barely draw stick figures who have made successful careers for themselves because they knew how to put on the knee pads and lip gloss and pucker up for the right people. Oh - or because they happened to be sleeping with the director. XD I was thinking, it would be great to gather up the artists here and see if we couldn't encourage each other to create again! Depression can really rob us of the energy needed to really make something that will be special in our own eyes (that ends up being worlds more important than what other people might think of it), so if there were a group of us who all felt this way and could understand why and how we struggle to create, I think it would be very beneficial!
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