Jump to content

DustyRoad

Gold Member
  • Posts

    1,060
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Blog Entries posted by DustyRoad

  1. DustyRoad
    Many Americans and like minded people are now jumping on the band wagon of their choice and that’s okay at this given moment. It does remind me of those old movies where all of the western settlers ride with reckless abandonment to stake a claim for the golden acres out west. Ride 'em high, cowboys, as you trample the land to some perceived higher ground. 
    Was there any higher ground in this one-two punch out election? Is there now? Both candidates were deplorable merchandise.  Everyone should have been aware of this going into November 9th’s election, unless blinded by their own ideology to think any differently.
    Now the insanity has began. Fighting from shallow foxholes as the ground explodes around them. Forming coalitions among like minded riders into the storm of oblivion. 
    People hating one another for having some vague point of view of how the country could have been better if the outcome of the election was different.
    The election was a beauty contest with two untrainable ugly dogs. Where we go from here will hopefully be up to those left standing with both feet grounded in democracy.
     
  2. DustyRoad
    The United States rejected 
    All of those previously elected 
    For corruption and being unfair 
    Yet some ask how could they dare 
    Elect a maverick to a powerful chair 

    Ethical deficiencies entitled 
    Worst case scenarios unbridled 
    The truth was always eschewed 
    Charitable funds were screwed 
    Methods so shrewd 

    Unborn babies, killed at birth 
    How could you live in mirth 
    Life has a new precious song 
    With a radical extremist gone 
    Destructiveness is were it belongs 

    In fear, America did not cower 
    They denied chaos it's claim to power 
    Casting votes in the eleventh hour 
    The tipping point was reached 
    Someones' hopes not breached 

    America decided she had enough 
    It was time to get rid of that old stuff 
    The winning vote was for Trump 
    The swamp's going to the dump 
    I'd like to think we're over the hump 

    Now that Hillary's gone 
    It time to move on
  3. DustyRoad
    Spooky sounds delight my ears, 
    brings me back into my fears 
    Her boos are better than kisses 
    Especially those I get 
    From my misses 

    Has anybody seen her 
    Did she finally run off 
    On a boat load of brooms 
    She's much too fat 
    For less than that 

    Ears so long she's anointed 
    Her nose crocked and pointed 
    Bones old, all disjointed 
    Crawling along so so slow 
    She's got no place to go 

    Spooky sounds delight my ears, 
    brings me back into my fears 
    Her boos are better than kisses 
    Especially those I get 
    From my misses 
  4. DustyRoad
    I was born with a favorite song, then I heard another song and I had a new favorite. The world has a short attention span with music as with most other worldly humanistic feelings. It's just the way it is everywhere, with one hit song after another. The favorite of the day is the bomb of tomorrow. Some research has indicated that at fourteen a person is influenced by songs. I wondered, as I fell asleep last night what the hit songs were when I was fourteen. 

    The feeling from a song's tune and words became part of my soul. It could also be true that my insights and perceptions became acute at that age. I listened with an intelligent developing mind. I also read with a penchant of deeper reflection as to the author's intentions they wanted me to have after reading their words. 

    Without goggling I thought of a few song that I remembered. Here are the ones that actually were from 1965: 

    "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" was one that fit 1965. I was very surprised as my memory placed the song in 1968. 

    Another was "Help Me Rhonda" which was from1965. I was a surfing addict most of my life. 

    One pick had to be from Bob, and I took a shot at "Like a Rolling Stone". Bingo, right on the damn money, 1965. 

    Then I thought of The Byrds, another all time favorite group, and came up with "Mr. Tambourine Man" also by Bob. I thought that song was 1967, but right on the money again, 1965, the year the Byrds made the song a hit.  


    Another song was "How Sweet It Is to be Loved by You". I discount that pick because the song is still a hit for me. Can you imagine that? From Marvin Gaye all the way up to James Taylor's version. However 1965 was the year! 

    What it all means is beyond me? I was reluctant to believe the research. As I'm writing this, I think these particular songs did have influence in my development. They still resonate in my head from time to time. The song have been my destiny. 

    On the other side of the coin I had memories of other songs but they weren't 1965. Songs like "Heat Wave", missed that by a year. I really love that song and can remember dancing to it in front of the mirror. 

    "Day Tripper, another miss but only by a month, January 1966, so count that as a hit. 

    Magic Carpet Ride, 1968, well a great song but a miss for my year of 1965. 

    All in all, I had more hits than misses. I didn't check the song and date match until today, a day later but hey, I was right more than wrong. 

    The question for now, what in the world does that mean as to who I grew up to be so many years from 1965? That's a question for a psychologist or others that have known me for a period of time could answer. I believe these songs are who I am, both then and now, depending on the song. 

    All of the songs have fit at some point in my life. I think of "Satisfaction" and remember hearing it on the New Jersey boardwalk or singing the song in my high school band, I named The Sugar Beats. Yep, you heard it right, The Sugar Beats. I played the drums and sang. What a trip that was to play in front of my sister's friends at high school dances. I have to add that we played many songs by the Monkees too. "Last Train to Clarksville" was my favorite song to sing while drumming away on stage. 

    Then how about "How Sweet It Is to be Loved by You"? Yes, my true love was always sweet. But she divorced me in 2009 because I was depressed and completely out of my mind. She was always there for me in the best of times. I was never happier with anyone else and I'm now the saddest person on earth without that love. Sigh. 

    "How Sweet It Is to be Loved by You" 

    I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were 
    I needed someone to understand my ups and downs and there you were 
    With sweet love and devotion 
    Deeply touching my emotions 
    I want to stop and thank you baby 

    How sweet it is to be loved by you 
    How sweet it is to be loved by you 

    Which song fits the year of 2016? I would have to give a big heads up to Bob's "Like a Rolling Stone" for the song that fits me today like a tight wet suit on a cold windy day in January. 

    "Like a Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan 

    Once upon a time you dressed so fine 
    Threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you? 
    People call say 'beware doll, you're bound to fall' 
    You thought they were all kidding you 
    You used to laugh about 
    Everybody that was hanging out 
    Now you don't talk so loud 
    Now you don't seem so proud 

    About having to be scrounging your next meal 
    How does it feel, how does it feel? 
    To be without a home 
    Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone 

    Not a pretty picture of my life right now when I read the lines. You read them, and tell me how you'd feel to be this rolling stone guy? Yes it all fits me now, all too damn well. In fact, I could scream out loud as to just how much this man we call Bob has written such truths about my damn life back then that fit right now. I could run through the streets in complete sobbing tears that no one would hear nor want to, with the one exception being my lovely wife. This is my stinking ****ed up life right now. It's been the worse year of my entire life. I hate my life and would prefer to check out as soon as possible. I could run a check list but it's my life, not the readers' business. I could start with my dog Mac dying in February and believe me it gets a hundred times worse right up to this week with no hope for a tomorrow. 

    This is my memoir, called "Life Sucks". 

    I'll end with an up note of Bob's lyrics, and The Byrds' singing "Mr Tamborine Man" 

    Though you might hear laughin', spinnin', 
    Swingin' madly across the sun 
    It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run 
    And but for the sky there are no fences facin' 
    And if you hear vague traces of skippin' reels of rhyme 
    To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind 
    I wouldn't pay it any mind 
    It's just a shadow you're seein' that he's chasing. 

    Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind 
    Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves 
    The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach 
    Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow 
    Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free 
    Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands 
    With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves 
    Let me forget about today until tomorrow 

    Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me 
    I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to 
    Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me 
    In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you  
  5. DustyRoad


    I wanted to feel vastness. After all I'd been working in my small viewless cubicle for the past twelve months. I needed the freedom of the birds flying in whatever direction they decided to tilt their tail feathers. Today would be my first day of breathing fresh air, instead of carbon monoxide laced with the smell of empty garbage trucks rolling down the wide congested streets of the Big Apple. 

    I took one last look at the majestic skyscrapers built by Catholic Irishmen who had to hide their religious beliefs until they were granted freedom of worship. The annual parade in honor of the patron saint of Ireland is still one of the biggest events of the year for my city of departure. 

    I left watching the lives of people as busy as bees growing to insignificance as we passed the the statue that welcomed all ethnicities. I was surrounded by the bare simplicities one needed to live at peace with the earth. False complications were gone from my life. I was away from that gross insanity. I was one with the wind, as it pulled me away with each puff. My eyes saw the rising sun of a new day, my skin felt it's warm burn. I was drinking in the possibilities before me. The calmness of the ocean filtered into my being with the rays of spring's sun warming my back as drank hot Jasmine tea. 

    I still had my fears, but the source of those old abominable apprehensions would now be assuaged by the resplendent glory of a three hundred and sixty degree view of an endless horizon. I'd wake early with the albatross in anticipation of the sunrise to fill my heart with prominent display of primary colors and vibrant hues. 

    At night the moon hung on a wall of clear darkness on the other side of the world. I'm content for the first time in decades. I fell asleep hearing only the soft indistinct sounds as I floated on a deep fluid blue garden. Good vibrations of a different cosmopolitan world were now pulsing into my senses as I rolled from side to side. Still smiling at the dreams I had in the night which encompassed all of heaven's delights. My desires became superficial as my goals disappeared. I wanted nothing more from the day except for the quietness to continue as I watched persimmon clouds sailing to the east. 

    Each day I was filled with wonderful bliss. Was this a never ending state of mind? The tranquility did end, as the sun suddenly disappeared leaving dark skies and shouting wicked winds wailing. My main sheet was shredding. I waited too long to reef her down. to a manageable size. Would I drown alone in the infamous devil's triangle. I could no longer turn the metaphoric wheel of dreams to hold a steady course. 

    My fears surfaced like a scarred breaching whale rising out the now ugly sea. Somehow I beheld the beauty in nature's storm, as God bestowed my inner strength to build with the strong waves as the off beam winds soared. Heavy weather meant riding on turmoils of swarming sharks, testing my hull to its limits. Nature gave me a salty wet slap, pushing me to the hard deck. My mast creaked as I let my jib backwind to stall the boat in a safe heaving-to position. I held on to the gunnels with the gusto of Angels holding back Davy Jones' evil. My hope was restored as the wind slowed down and calm returned revealing a majestic sunset off my starboard. I was saved from a watery grave only with Poseidon's good graces. I found peace in my own solitude as weariness overcame my spirit. I slept under the evening's first stars with a dry blanket as my pillow. 

    The horizon changed as the brackish smell of the Chesapeake filled the air. Soon I traveled northward on the slim ribbon of the Potomac's tide waters . The air was still fresh, but I sensed that would end when I saw the tall white obelisk poking into the skies of my destination. I could feel the power of her sublime beauty wrapping around the world, but it wasn't without a price. She did not ask for permissions. She changed life into whatever she wanted rather than giving us her promise of freedom and equality to all. 

    I had arrived at my destination. I was both happy and sad to leave the endlessness behind. Happy because I could return some day to live the life. I hide my eyes from the working class people and their unimaginable singular existence. Was this the life I'd known? Today I was still free from her restrictions and planned to visit places of harmonious living whenever possible. Do you want to come along with me next time?
     
    Please leave a comment if you liked!
     
  6. DustyRoad
    The brain is a place where our mind lives. The brain has all these connections, a zillion and a half at least, so they say, that click and clock, back and forth, dancing to and fro making the heart beat, your nose itch, and your eyes blink without even a thought. Our minds do the thinking. It has thoughts, and then reasons out what we should do with them. Simply put, we figure out what to do with the world as we know it. 

    Of course all brains were not created equal. Every person has his or her own design for sorting out the facts. The male's brain has a superior system capable of calculating extremely difficult equations in a complex world. While in comparison, to a female's brain, we have a much lower ability to compartmentalize different types of inputs at the same time. We can't multitask when too much is happening at once, and it's difficult to achieve a goal in an organized and efficient manner. We tend to act first, then think about the results later. We waste too much time second guessing ourselves with the often unexpected and entertaining consequences. 
    It was early, and here I sat on the bed, scratching my head, as to why I didn't want get out of bed earlier.  My brain was lazy from the long work week. My mind knew it was wash day, but my brain was more interested in shutting down for another hour.  It'll forget many of the important thoughts and plans of the night before. It's too nice and comfortable under the blankets to start thinking.  The last thought I had, and slept right through that morning, was to remember to get up before my wife did the wash. I left my cell phone in those dirty jeans on the floor. Of course she was already planning out the days activities in an orderly fashion. First things first was to get the laundry started, and out of the way, early before I wanted breakfast.
    Having my cell phone washed, would have been the start to a bad day, but just the day before I cancelled the protection plan for the phone. What was my mind thinking when I cancelled out the insurance? It was calculating in a straight line fashion of saving a few dollars, without worrying about the possible consequences. Acting first wasn’t the best plan but I made the call to Apple, anyway. Now, It was going to cost me the price of a refurbished phone. My head was about to explode for not thinking before acting. After all, I had the phone many years. I thought since nothing happened in all that time, why would anything bad happen in the future? I was playing the odds, and lost about four hundred bucks with only a man's logical mind at work.
    I blamed my wife. Of course it wasn't her fault, but I yelled at her anyway for not checking the pockets. Not that it mattered whose fault it was, I felt better not taking the blame for my brain’s morning laziness. How could I be held accountable when that’s just the male way of thinking, and its inability to multitask?
  7. DustyRoad
    From my home in central New Jersey, the turnpike and I-195 run north and south, and east and west respectively. I'm able to travel the pike from the surrounding flat corn fields to one of either two big cities on the east coast or jump on 195 east, to the enjoy the bay and beaches or head west to the quietness of country mountains. It's a fun place to live an active life. There's lots of choices, all less than an hour drive form my doorstep. I've alway been satisfied living in central Jersey because of its proximity to having a diverse lifestyle. Friends and good times were always within reach. I never wanted to change my life in anyway or be elsewhere. My marriage of twenty years was filled with love and companionship. Life was good.
    I turned forty, and noticed I was losing out to what I thought was a mid-life crisis. It was a subtle change at first. I felt less motivated to go places. I found myself endlessly playing a laptop video game called Halo. I played the game so much that I ignored my wife for weeks on end. I never had marital or social troubles in the past. There was something going on with me. On Saturday afternoons we'd usually walk the dogs on the bike trails and go out for dinner afterwards, but that stopped. At first I thought this was my addictive personality to play the popular Halo video game, but what was causing me to be introverted?
    After a few months of my nonstop Halo gaming, she slammed the laptop shut and would not let me finish the game's conclusion. She grabbed the laptop away from my desk! I got loud, after all, this was my time. She had enough of my child's play, and was going to smash my two thousand dollar toy on the floor. We had a big argument about me doing what I wanted to do, every day, all the time. This had become my world, and I had very little to do with her, whereas we used to do everything as a couple.
    We both apologized, but that was a turning point in a twenty year marriage. I started to realize that my personality was changing. What I didn't know until later that year, was that I was sliding into a clinical depression. I was isolating myself from the outside world. I use the word clinical because most everyone gets sad, and uses the word depressed to describe being sad. Being sad about life, isn't mental illness. Depression is a mental disease. There are degrees of depression, from mild to severe. Which is like day and night, or better yet, like going from being withdrawn to climbing up tall buildings, and jumping off.
    At that time, a woman I knew went into woods, with a gun and shot herself in the head. It was a big wake up call for me. I was starting to have suicidal ideation, which concerned me enough to seek a diagnose. I didn't want to go from planning my death, to pulling the trigger. I saw a Medical Health Counselor who tagged me with having General Anxiety Disorder along with mild Depression. She couldn't write me a prescription for medication because she wasn't a Medical Doctor. She suggested going to my family doctor, to get a script for the antidepressant Lexapro.
    I put off on making that appointment because I didn't want the mental illness stigma stamped on my life. I was in denial. I blamed my marital troubles on my wife. I blamed my state of mind on her. She simply wasn't helping me get past my mid life crisis. Life went on at the same pace, but my life got worse before I could take the advice of my Mental Health Counselor, and get better with drugs.
  8. DustyRoad
    senyru (melancholic sappho)
    Meloancholic Depression
    off high broken cliffs
    she jumps into choppy seas
    depression beached
    Author Notes
    Sappho was a Greek poet. A legend suggests she threw herself off a cliff when her heart was broken by Phaon, a young sailor, around 575 B.C
  9. DustyRoad
    Alright, Now Why 25 Years with a BPD? Every description of Borderline Personality Disorder highlights relationship NIGHTMARES, unending ones at that. So from my first memories I was an explorer, a trill seeker, and I had a strong will, I always seemed to get what I wanted one way or another. At first it would seem I would never tolerate the demands a BPD would impose on me. How was that relationship possible? Even I have wondered at times, especially now when I had a very loving and normal fiancee.
    As a child I was held back with Juvenile Arthritis. I mentioned this before here. I never socialized as a result. I was very alone growing up. I missed so many games and sports with all that interaction. JRA comes and goes away in repeated cycles. At the age of 15 it was on remission. I took off with the freedom of a healthy eagle making up for lost times. I gravitated to snow skiing and surfing the waves of NJ.
    I started to make friends, close ones that would last a life time. I was still shy or had social anxiety but I had courage to attempt to move past that as best I could. Although I still carried SA with me where ever I went.
    I craved a steady sharing relationship. My first wife and I did not work out because of this need. She was a ballet dancer and we did not share enough. After we broke apart I soon found a woman who looked like a dream come true. She not only seems to make me the center of her attention, but she even craved listening to my opinions, thoughts and ideas. It seemed like I found my heart's desire. We did everything together.
    A relationship with a BPD sufferer not in thereapy usually evolves through distinct stages, often: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next. Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailors appearance and actions to please others, clear and characteristic personality patterns are often recognizable over time.
    I became entangled with a very strong love. I was happier then ever, even with the pitfalls of her disorder, I wanted the relationship of my "dreams".
  10. DustyRoad
    I do have memories being in nursery school at age four. This seems to be the fact that I can't stand those that are not logical. Nursery School consisted of playtime and napping. I remember the the children being divided up consisting of the boys and the girls. Each was given cardboard building blocks to make a house, bridge or whatever. The boys always built better than the girls.
    We needed one more block to complete our bridge. The girls never used all of their blocks. I had an idea. I would ask for one of theirs to use. The girls said ok except for one that wanted to keep them all. That just didn't make sense to me. One girl gave me one as the keeper made a fuse and took it back out of my hands.
    I remember going back and forth on this. Eventually I said so you want it, here take it then and tossed it in the keepers direction. All I remember then was being in trouble for doing that. My feelings where hurt too. I had lost the game. It was not very fair in many ways not to share especially when they had a surplus of unused blocks.
    What a thing to remember. I think it shows that I was head strong back then. I am still that way, but is that a good way to be, was I that wrong or was I just logical?
  11. DustyRoad
    Hello Again,
    In case you are wondering, where is Dusty going with these childhood memories. What happened to the BPD thread. I promise it will tie back into an overall self evaluation.
    I am not AHD.
    There must be a reason psychiatric doctors ask this question or used to ask in the past. I think before some very young age as a baby, nothing is remembered as you age but surely we learn from everything that occurs. There is a point in time that a person remembers, recalls details, what is remembered and why considering all that happens at any age?
    I believe what is remembered must be significant in some way. Perhaps so significant that the memory starts a framework or behavioral foundation from which we build our primal self image on.
    Whatever that moment which we have frozen in time in our minds was not a conscious choice as may some day study for recall later at some time in the future. I would doubt that as it must be some part of the subconscious of our inner being that says, this is somehow important as it resonates as notes in a musical chord do when played by a musician. It is not just luck but has a place that fits in context to life's song.
    If you get stung by a bee you'll remember the next time one is near. If you find happiness with a car ride you'll look for more car rides.
    My next memory has significance in some way, I doubt I even know what that is but I do remember as if it happened yesterday.
  12. DustyRoad
    I was a little rebel at that age...3-5 from what I remember. I had a mind of my own. one of my very first memories was that I had at times just left the house on my own, at 3-4 age. I remember that I took a walk outside of the grounds of the complex we lived in.
    I remember being so curious that I wanted to see the below ground parking,not that I knew it was a parking lot, as I walked to the entrance alone. I remember it was very dark down there. What was in there? I never went down the ramp that I could remember, as we must have parked on the ground level. What was that evil looking place that cars went down and never came back out, that bothered me. I wanted to explore. Luckily, perhaps, I felt danger down there. I decided to look another time, like later.
    So I continued my walk and found my way back to the apartment which was upstairs with it's own outside walkway to all the apartments. I knew which was mine, but decided to see if any of the neighbors where home, to see what was up.
    I tried the doors until I found one was left unlocked, I went in and noone was home. I stayed there as any child would, I guess They had a rather big dog, all dogs were big at age 3 1/2. The dog was fun we played hide and seek, he seemed to like to find me whatever I was tucked under.
    Soon enough I was missing from my apartment. My mom was in a panic. I remember hearing her calling out "BOYD". She saw the door I left half half open and wondered, could he of and looked in. She was calling out for me but I was hiding inside, playing hide and seek as the dog barked away at her coming into the home. Eventually I got tired and went back home for a nap.
    Mom was so happy and mad at the same time, asking me where I was the last hour.
    LOL. Once I said where I had been, she was horrified at my story. I told her it was really fun. First she said I could have been hit by a car then if not that, eaten by the Big Dog.
    I remember saying I knew what I was doing, and the dog was my buddy. I wanted to go back for more games or at least check out where that dark ramp with her as a partner. That was it for me, "wait until your DAD comes home!"
    Now my next memory was in the playground. This other child had this little fire truck with a removable little ladder. I took the ladder off the truck. my friend was saying "NO" leave it be. I wanted to be a fireman and do what I thought they did, so I leaned the ladder on the tree and proceeded to climb up the rungs. BOOM>
    Well guess what, it broke in two, The kid was so mad at me, as all the kids were that I broke that ladder and spoiled the fun. We were playing is all. The kid was mad and took his truck home. What a jerk he was to not understand, I thought I had done no wrong. His mom soon came down to the playground with angry eyes, and asked why I broke her son's birthday present. I said, or tried to say as best I could explain, why would "they" have a ladder that didin't work on a fire truck? Made sense to me but not to her.
    I was told never to play with her son's toys again.
    My whole life has been like those two first memories. Always looking for adventure and pushing the limits of life.
  13. DustyRoad
    That whole mental illness of BPD is so interesting considering that I firmly believe my x-wife had BPD and that disorder was too much to live with as time passed. She had all the signs. I wish I had known a time long ago it was a DMS. I would never had married her unless she was under care of a specialist. I was so stupid or trapped to have such love for her. I knew something was wrong in her thinking but I ignored it or thought I could help. Such a waste of my life and good heartedness me, as she tore me down in such small ways, step by step until I was broken.
    It took twenty five years before I finally broke the pattern. I have detailed some of that relationship here previously, only hitting on the surface of a very complex web, the poison Spider wove for me. I fell into a typical pattern of the BPD lover, my love evolved as such. The love drove me close to insanity. I fell short of that as depression and anxiety did stop over for many years. Eventually the drugs for that worked to clear my vision.
    Looking back it was a nightmare of trying to reason with a wife that had a separate reality unto herself. For her there was no reason except my failures, you see, it was all my fault. It was a bizarre world where logic was as they say, out to lunch. The relationship lasted from day to day only because I was the one who was blinded from my own past to see past the present and into the reality of her blackened prison.
    This is part of the story, as I have come from my own past where I wanted to never offend anyone. Perhaps I also had BPD to some degree. Was this all my doing or just a sad illness that was impossible to escape? It was a marriage made in Heaven. I and everyone thought it was a perfect match. Perhaps that is one reason for the under diagnosis of this prevalent condition that made my life a living h*ll.
    On my following entries I will attempt to add another chapter and a first hand story of being in a very long term marriage with a Borderline Personality called Dani.
  14. DustyRoad
    A blog relating to the past is difficult to write for me. Dusty's Place covers many years. I tried to include every aspect in sixty years that most likely had a cause and affect on where I stand today.
    As I read my blog, there is much I just left out, most of which was very good in my life, people, events, and places I traveled to. I want to give credit to my friend Kathy. I may have been too hard to such a soft soul when writing here, let me correct that now. If not for her friendship and caring I may have never recovered as soon as I did from the depression and the fact that my wife left me cold. Thanks. Both of us discovered joy in new ways.
    We all go through changes while making adjustments, taking meds and coming out different from when we went in. It is war like, a battlefield with no safe zones to hide from this unbearable hurt. There was one safe zone for me and that was Kathy.
  15. DustyRoad
    One does have to give to receive love. I have been through so so much all because of the affect depression has ultimately had on my entire life. At first I didn't know I was depressed, then I thought it would just go away with meds. It doesn't just go away. I mean yes, I felt better, more "up" and "down" but eventually more up than down. Hope that makes sense. That is when I felt so much better that I became this new "Dusty" guy and my will became very strong. My EX didn't know the new me, she did not adjust to a braver person.
    But I had already moved on. Just wondering where to go now with my next entry. I think I did leave a gap that needs some filling in.
    There was a time of discovery. I had so much to learn about myself. I often worried I had lost my true self values. Here I had met Kathy a few times in person. She is a fabulous woman. I had never felt so good with anyone, ever. I rose to the occasion the same as when playing tennis with someone better than me. Everything was better, I even was better. Did I just play the game or was I better. Seemed to good to be true, and that was the truth.
    What now. I feel so healthy that I can really set my standards very high in my hope to find someone that is meant for me. That is what is now, that is my direction, my path, with each step, only that matters, there is never a certain destination. I want each step to be in the now. Stop my mind's stupid chatter.
    Personal relationship were always all there was for me in life. I always wanted. Wanted more love, more trust, and more comfort from a friend. SO this was where I was to be found, this was what I wanted. I thought Kathy to be more than she was but she was not here within arms length so I sought out someone as a replacement. What I found was even more, I feel in love with someone so special that it came to the point that I could not be unfair to my new love.
    Just like meds they don't work right away, nor does love fade quickly. Seems the breaking point started to crack with this....
    There are many ways, I suppose, that another person can make you cry, want even to die, make you feel as if everything you have ever done, every reaching out, every kind thought and touch was meaningless.
    Mean Mean Mean ing less than to them ,when all you had in your being, all your strength was given out to them in their need. Given without regard to anyone else, or any thought of your own personal safety net waiting for their relief from harm.
    When you fall, the net that you thought was built, always to be there for you, built by a two way trust, without any doubt that you could ever fall without nothing to break the dirt
  16. DustyRoad
    I had thoughts to do a news type story, exposing, Kat and Myself, our deepest moments. I was hurt emotionally, I felt she had forsaken all we had ever known. Beyond that which normally breaks hearts and lives part. I was very upset. She was no longer, felt in my heart. I was about to throw in the proverbial towel. More like a box of tissues and a very pair of red eyes, as I had lost all, everything held dear to carry on my stupid life.
    I would never break Kat's trust in me. To even hit a key stroke to do so would be as if I was to pierce my heart's voice, never speak write or be creative again.
    So forget the original goals. Rolls Eyes...wondering on Hope alone, building on Hope. Nope, not, I am no longer bound by a blog of the some drivel of the past.
    All I can wish for is meeting someone just like Kathy. Good D*** luck...Impossible yet do-able. not impossible, yet I will only love my Squirrel, Kat's, sweet body tasting fluids. I will never be who I am, without Kathy in my life.
    I am head over feet, upside down, turned around, bashed, slammed, and then some, yet Kat and I are meant to live out the last days of our lives. Yes. I was convinced. Are You?? I was and was not convinced at the same time.
    The way to my life is here, right here, right now. Sing the joys, cry the pains, believe now I will not die without true love, without me holding tightly, surrendering silghtly, only so slightly to the world just becoming ever so slightly lonely once again. Time does tell. Our last look before, will tell the story I could never put into words what happened but time came to move on at some point. I had to be fair to the closest person I love so much.
  17. DustyRoad
    Did I even tell you what happened. Well it all started out in 2008 when I was still depressed or had anxiety often. Somehow or another my now x-wife was not being nice to me plus she always complained about all the ppl I was friendly with. So I got online and got to know to know people that way. Just like we are now. I really made so many on line friends cause she hated all my real ones. And I was addicted to xbox racing games and played on line with xbox online friends. THEN the GOOF_OFF got mad at even the on line forums and did not, I say, did not like them.
    I was on this very forum and knew lots a ppl here, she was upset about that when it was not even romantic. SO I told my x that I would stop coming to the forum for advise.
    Then I slipped up and said that the forum thought I should incease my meds. SHE FREAKED. She hit me over and over again, like a hard slap to my body. THEN two weeks later the same thing happed and she used her hard slipper but was hitting my face as well.
    CAN YOU IMAGINE, I was depressed as it was, I tried to leave the house to get away but she would not just let me go. SHE was a lunatic.
    I eventually grabbed my keys and got away in my SUV. I was barefoot with a tee shirt she tore, and bleeding from my eye and lip.
    SO I said this is never going to happen again and reported her to the police. She was arrested and spent the night in jail freaking out BADLY. The court pre-trail was the next day.
    The date was June, 2008. From then on she just was not loving at all, I think she must have decided to leave me before the scuffle. IN fact I think it was all a plan, but back fired on her. ya see.
    She was already tryng for me to hit back but I was crying at the time from her nasty ways.
    IN fact she accused me of that in the divorce in court but I had it all in writing and she looked darn bad in front of the judge. I was being set up but as said it did not work the way she had planned it.
    But it was that lack of interaction and a few months of zilch love from the x, that is when someone entered my life on line, not here but somewhere. We both fell in love with one another because my wife let it happen by ignoring me she more or less left the horses out of the barn.
    So I can blame my divorce on depression and the x's lack of caring for the root causes. Well That Too.
    YES HER!!!
  18. DustyRoad
    So Can I blame my divorce on depression and the x's lack of careing for the root causes.
    I hate to say this, as I pretend to be way stronger than my inner self Could ever have been. I tended to project out a real dynamic person, but fail to feel comfortable in this new skin, but I liked it. I like those I see around me, I want to be them.
    I have no real friends, none. Did I have potential? Is this so wrong, I found someone to just call up and say nothing or something too. It may have been a chit chat room. It became who I was at that time.
    I am in love with my wife, SHE IS my friend, in this life, I don't even know why she loves me. I soon found out as I was a becoming my own person. Oh yes, without her, she was a social wreck and hate was her life.
    I started to go beyond all the love a soul can give, to everyone and I still am a depressed person.
    I WISHED I WAS NOT ALIVE.
    But as I learned more and justified my actions being a friendly person, able to stand up and SHOUT "I AM ALIVE".
    I flew away without caring if my marriage was going to hell very fast.
    DUSTY
  19. DustyRoad
    A forum and support site for people with mental illnesses, forums like this that are very informative. Much like Facebook except you don't know the members true identity. You post about yourself, ask questions, give advice and get to sent personal messages back and forth. Relationship and friends are developed over time. This was my education about mental illness in general. I was at first shocked a the high degree people can be very mentally ill. I was still recovering from the last round of depression, the med was starting to really work and I was feeling better as the days passed by.
    It was a very odd sensation feeling normal. It was as if I woke up one day and became this new person. I wrote this poem to reflect the fear that I was someone else. Most importantly I did not have social anxiety. This was so great as I was very talkative online with others and this became true with the people around me. I was happy, could make others laugh, felt comfortable just being myself for the first time in my life. Here it is one poem telling a story.
    The Last Lonesome Tear,
    I Know A Way To Smile
    Am I going off the highest cliff in the wastelands of Utah
    As I have become someone that I know not
    How did I get here from over there? Oh so many words flow so
    All doors and windows have opened, Now I am what I am not
    As life went by through windows of fear. Where can I go from here?
    Three Angels, stop and stare, see my troubles, Feel My Pain, see my troubles, Heal My Pain
    Someone save me if you please, and take away all the pills
    Couldn't take all the pressure, now there is none
    What have I become? Born anew, with nothing to hold me back
    The feelings of a life time, I can scream with a brand new dream
    Starry nights bright days clear skies all for my blues to enjoy.
    Three Angels, stop and stare, see my troubles, Feel My Pain, see my troubles, Heal My Pain
    Strange times for a fearless soul
    Who's no longer in doubt
    For the very first time
    Strange times for a fearless soul
    No more tears of doubt
    Only new ways to face my life
    Oceans of emotions
    For the very first time
    In a lifetime of secrets.
    The Tiger with his dreams....
    DustyBones...Oct 05
    A forum became my home away from home. I could escape from my deepest dark feelings. Get lost in a online world. Make friends with imaginary people. Could there be a better place to discover just how to stand up again. Feeling the warmth like the Prodigal Son coming in from the loneliness of a place where ego was lost. There was a fire lit within my spirit just to write to others and wait for a response in anticipation of a few kind words. Yet little did I know that there was a real life with real feelings and powerful emotions to discover. Friendships in a virtual community of people with all type of mental disorders. Yes much like the movie "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" there was a thin line were relationships seemed calm only to explode on the keyboards and computer screens across the globe. Groups formed and groups fought about many topics that were subject to opinions and beliefs. Religion being the hot bed of a war fought with words.
    ~
    I made close friends with a a few woman there. One in particular. S9. We wrote one another and so much ground was covered in such a short time. Soon it became apparent that these feeling were growing. My real world became less important, I finally felt I was liked. I felt loved. It was a sense of belonging to a place other than my business and home life.
    I was overwhelmed with her. She called me expectantly at work as I was very open with who I was, where I lived and where I worked. I was shocked when I got the call, remember I was married. My wife was extremely jealous and controlling. This was the first time I had secretly spoken to another woman. I was very excited, an online affair had begun. Even if S9 had many troubles with a a past that refused to let her be normal. It made no difference I had found this alternative life to be very addicting and fun. I thought we could work together, to help one another get past our individual problems. This went on until about March 2006. All the time we both were very moody and had a good relationship. Perhaps we both knew the limits but we certainly push on line love to the limits. How was this to turn out with all these complications.
    I wrote this for S9 at a time when she was just getting her thoughts about the loss of her Husband and the need to move on.
    Then I was upset with the whole forum. Seemed even the Mods fought with the members in what they called "Flame Wars", never heard of that term. The Wars were very hypocritical in that everyone thought they were correct and if you took another point of view you were ignored my a whole set of people. Hard to understand for even normal people but sides got taken up and the flame is started.
  20. DustyRoad
    Bad to Worse 2005-2006
    It was sometime in 2004-2005 that I went from having General Anxiety Disorder and fell into a deep depression. My business was being sued by a former employee for age discrimination. The case was without merit but we still had to defend ourselves which was very costly. So costly was all the legal expenses I became depressed with the constant anxiety of going out of business.
    I was getting more and more depressed. I saw my primary care physician and started taking an anti depressant in September 2004.The drug worked and I became a different person. I was no longer feeling insecure about life. I had no fear from social anxiety. I was just completely naive about Mental Illness and Medications. I had no clue of the causes or effects of medications. I didn't like the thought I was on meds period. It had a stigma that I wanted no part of in my life.
    I stopped the anti depressant on my on thinking I was cured. This of course made me very volatile, agitated and just a bit crazy. I did not understand, but being so aggressive with everyone made me feel brave for the first time in my life. I liked it! All was fine until I went hypo-manic. This is a state of extreme euphoria and a very powerful feeling of bliss, filled with energy, compulsive buying, confidence and thinking grandiose ideas. I know now that the lexapro or lack of, had a some tremendous affect on my personality. I was on top of the world for three to four weeks.
    I was on a snowboard trip when suddenly was hit with a hypo-manic state of mind. That was the best I ever felt. I did not know at the time why this was happening to me. I was everywhere at once. I wanted to buy so much, I wanted too snowboard fast, drive the rental car like a formula one car up and down Big Cottonwood Canyon. Luckily I did not crash the car.
    That state of mind did not last too long but did last until I was back home. Suddenly I felt a great depression returning very quickly, with even worse symptoms. I was back on the anti depressant, Lexapro in less than two weeks. This time I did not feel better quickly. I was still having awful thoughts of wanting to die. I was still depressed up and down for a long time. The lawsuit was continuing. I only want to be alone for a few months.
    Then one day as I was thinking suicidal idealizations, one of our friends killed herself. Long story for another time. I was shocked by the news. Somehow that was a turning point for me. I did not want to ever off myself, I got very scared, and just started to force myself to socialize as I was withdrawing into that place that all I only thought of was death. I stopped enjoying everything that I loved to do. Can you imagine my fears?
    I had no therapy as I was still in denial but I found a source of information on Mental Illness right here and a way to socialize with forums and personal messages. It was this mental health forum. These forums are very good for learning all about what ails you when all you see is your general family doctor.
    I did go from BAD to Worse. It was at this stage of my life that the relationship I had with my now divorced wife began to crumble apart. the marriage finally reached a point of no return. Somehow I did not even care. I just wanted to have fun again once the Lexapro got me back up to not worrying about anything. Now I was that kid in a candy store. The candy was my lexapro, I could not get enough sweets from all those years of being shy.
  21. DustyRoad
    How did I become Brave?
    I often wonder why me, why this why that. Sometimes the answer is not revealed until some years later.
    I mean just as an example in my lifetime I have had some tough physical dx's. As a small boy of 5, I was dx'ed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, also a incurable disease that can be crippling as your joints get attacked by white blood cell and while your bones are still growing. Long story.. I made it without being a cripple. Knee's are better than most ppl I know at 55 and I am very very active somewhat limited to a degree, running is out.
    Give me something that moves and I will ride it, lol. Like in line skating, windsurfing and skiing and now my love..SNOWBOARDING...yep. And I just excel in this stuff. After years of sitting alone on bed for many years
    as that is what they did then.. resting the joints. Now I am crazy about getting outdoors. SO I have had numerous knee surgeries to correct stuff for years and it was touch and go, on and off, but whenever that RA went away I had a ball and whenever it got my joints swelled I took it easy and waited for it to remiss.
    Hardship is part of life and I do believe it made me who I am today. As I sat there alone wanted friends so much every second of the day, it hurt me inside, it did some damage too, I was never socialized as a child, thus I feel I have had this General Anxiety Disorder, worrying ever so much about this bone disease.
    The funny side of this is that I was never known to have a Mental Illness from this. OK so I was Just Shy , and never said much. No one was aware back then unless you were really crazy like that I could have some need of pdoc or tdoc. I kind of remember some talk about it, but it was thought to be bad to be stigmatized as having a physiological problem.
    The reason why I suffered is perhaps to make me who I feel I am today. A good person willing to see a persons good side. Always trying to understand them. I have always been like that too. I also witnessed abusiveness at that young age till I was 15 or so, then I spoke up against my dad and shouted "STOP IT".
    I even got expelled for the Catholic school in 6th grade as I spoke up to a mean nun as she was berating this obviously mentally challenge boy in my class during a spelling bee. LOL...I was even crazy then...I can remember the whole class looking at me then the nun, back and forth as they were just waiting as I stood there waiting to get the stick. I told her go ahead and hit me but leave that boy alone. God was I ever crazy.
    But I had suffered enough and had seen enough abuse. The nun walked me down to the office and my parents came and I left and when to public schools.
    That was strength, bravery , from where who knows. Maybe that was my gift, maybe being kind and gentle with others is a direct result of wanting to be strong in some way. To this day I react to abuse, I even got a warning at another forum some time ago for standing up for what I thought was extreme abusive behavior. But I do understand, maybe I understand all to much in this life, that is a fantastic gift and I would never want to go back and change anything as I love who I am today.
    Well maybe I would want to have had a tdoc and a pdoc. That may have helped as I continued having GAD and SA for many many years. I just started med in 2004. That is going to be the first new start. Interesting how a simple anti-depressant could have brought about so many changes in my life.
  22. DustyRoad
    I am Dusty
    Hello this is a start to what has been new world for me. I will start with a little past history from when I was old enough to remember. Then quickly unfold my personality changes that have given me another, after so many fresh starts, another again.
    In nut shell I had Social Anxiety from growing up in my own quite world stricken with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. This restricted me from having the opportunity to play with the kids on the block. I think I just never acquired the skills to be social. That includes much ground with being able to play the game of give and take in a conversation. I was unable to give a speech. I could hardly talk about anything with anyone. Once I became more healthy and active I just never got over that shyness which was really a mental disorder.
    I lived with Social Anxiety unaware that I had a serious disorder. I was intelligent enough, did well in school, except in history. I could never think of the answer when called upon. Even in class I sat petrified thinking I was going to be called to answer a question. When the teacher did ask me I froze up with a blank stare. Several times I was accused of cheating because I always got good grades. That got me so mad as I was always honest.
    My who adult life was only spent with my wife Danielle. I was happy to have one friend, and that she was for 25 years until my Anxiety got worse and worse that it interfered with my ability to live and work. I became Depressed, I never knew I was depressed, I wanted to die. It was not until a co-worker who also had a diagnose of Depression took me aside and suggested I see a doctor.
    Oh my, I have some incredible stories even if I was slightly crazy I had the will of a lion. I will add these as side lines. Many are from those wild days of Penn State. Seaside Hieghts, NJ and my friends everywhere.
    All of this has climaxed once I was properly medicated with the Anti-depressant called Lexapro. This was a big transition for me as I became this new person that I always wanted to be.
    I became a big flirt. I would never cheat but I had found online romance. Forums, emails, secret phone calls, sexy talk, beautiful poems and songs, all ending in a whirl of my wife leaving me. A divorce I never would have sought, a love affair which is my quest to reveal ever so deeply to those that love poetry, drama, secret emails and an unexpected endings.
    I have one life, I live it knowing I can talk and walk my way out of anything. I was blessed to never have been caught, no one was ever hurt, omg was I lucky, they were.
    Oh yeah! Enjoy what I have to say, spread the word. I am saving the best until last. I am only saying this is who I have become after all is said, and not done yet.
    Dusty
  23. DustyRoad
    Cursed with sorrow, pain and remorse
    Full of feelings I can't show
    Hopeless love what else for me
    Is this my destiny
    God in heaven surely meant
    For every man somewhere a mate
    Someone stole my love from me is this my destiny
    At night I toss and wonder why
    I must live while others die
    The grave would be an escape for me this is my destiny
    (sounds very much like real some days)
  24. DustyRoad
    Hello, My name is Dusty. I was here a some years ago. I wrote many times. I got to know many people. I wrote one topic recently but I will briefly restate it here in my blog. It has been so long that I have written anything except for personal messages, I have to relearn to blog.
    Why am I here? I had an accident snowboarding out in Utah on 2/7/11 while on vacation. I was found laying in the snow,unconscience ,on a cold snowy dark trail. Only God knows how long I laid there alone. All I know is from what my friend told me the Brighton resort Ski Patrol told her.
    I had suffered head trauma amnesia and do not remember anything after I crashed. It was said I must not have seen a snow ledge and took to the air off of it, about a 5 ft rocky jump. I hit hard, fell and was taken down the slope on a sled and to Intermountain Medical Center down valley. As said I do not remember anything. .
    Of course there is a story to tell. To jump ahead, I had what is know as head trauma was there in the hospital alone. I took the trip by myself as I am recently divorced. My ex was my only snow buddy. Turns out it was a mild case and I thank God for that as of 3 months later I am still feeling the after effects. I feel very down and sad. Lonely and alone. Tired and sleepy. Sore. Dizzy at times. Spacey and not with it. I had MRI's and CT's. I broke my left hand. I have been to so many doctors I can't remember thier names or how I was referred to see them. Once past the physical bumps the neurologist or head doctor took a major role. All tests for memory, coordination, cognitive and the like.
    So my blog begins again. Later!
×
×
  • Create New...