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thehope

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  1. Not doing very good I’m extremely depressed. Got referred today to eating disorder clinic due to my low weight. I’m several kgs underweight. I am extremely weak and tired and feel very emotionally unstable. I love feeling like I’m worthwhile being underweight...my weight and waist size is my dream waist size and I feel wonderful.. this was the 1950’s “ideal” and also I’m about 2 inches off a model my height. I’m less than her waist size but maybe I’d be accepted as a model now as I was declined before.
  2. I was bullied a lot growing up from which started at age 7. I first had my weight related comment at that age. We were weighed in class and someone said I was biggest. I was well fed and my mother and grandmother regularly took me to McDonald’s. I had no idea of what I was eating was too much. I ate large meals but ate healthy. I ballooned around age 8/9 and was bullied continuously throughout school to high school. I wore clothing intended for teenagers and adults. I had buttons pop from my pants as well. When I was 9/10 I went to a health camp which made me lose not much at all. They were disappointed. I wasn’t allowed seconds but basically ate the same as others. At age 15 I decided on a diet. I ate minimal food and lost weight fast. I can’t state numbers of any sort here so I can’t say how much. One day I gave up and suddenly had a binging episode after about two months. I was at a healthy weight for my height after this diet. But what I did was dangerous. The bullying of my weight stopped. But I still was bullied for other reasons. I forgot to mention a teacher also made me feel bad for my weight. I left at age 16 as I couldn’t take it anymore. My self esteem plummeted, my grades and all sense of myself went. I believe my school years destroyed me. Weight crept back on over the years and I was overweight. I became obese, I ate whatever I wanted. I tend to gain easily so this was an issue. I got abuse shouted from a car twice, laughed at and felt ugly.. ashamed and awful. This went on for years. I felt constantly ashamed of my looks. In October 2017 I decided on a diet. I was 25. This was hard and I didn’t understand or could calculate calories. I lost weight but at times felt near to collapse. I thought I was doing ok in my own mind... I didn’t cook but had shakes or basic non cooked food or meals made for me. I find calories difficult to measure and estimate so I go under what it says. I felt a loss of control if I felt I was overindulging and hated myself I couldn’t stop. I got to a healthy weight but went back in my mind to get to. I didn’t like being at the exact number of being overweight or normal so made a goal to go a few kgs under that for “safety”. Which was ok. It then was my number I was at when I was 15. This is recommend for my height by a dietician. I wasn’t aiming to go under this. This was some time end of last year. I noticed I was sad, mad and annoyed at gaining quick and losing slow. I noticed I was becoming obsessed. I cut red meat last year around June but had on relapse (iron fear) once around August. I cut chicken around December. I eat pescatarian now (no dairy except if I have needed it) and no eggs. I became very interested in veganism and no oil, no sugar or chemical eating (extremely hard) I weigh regularly at home and in public I did sometimes and noticed I become underweight. Despite this being a minor worry I felt pleased and super proud, . I also then set a new goal to weigh the same as a kpop Star who has my height. Last month I noticed I began vomiting.. I tried a few times to not much avail. I also noticed weakness and body symptoms. I have been under tremendous stress so I think this all has contributes. I went to a respite and noticed I threw away food and hid food. People started noticing. Around this time my mother noticed my ribs were showing and people started making comments. (Around Dec/Jan especially last month) i also noticed I was making fasts as compensation if I ate too much thr day before. I am not well and hate eating. I’m terrified of calories and have no energy to cook... I hate chopping and peeling. If I do eat I halve a banana, eat nuts, fruit. bread or crackers. I’m scared of calories and I’m terrified of gaining weight. Since coming home from the respite about two weeks ago I’ve been in a trance. I’ve been traumatised by the experience I went through with police, my suicide attempt and what went on there. I was referred to an eating disorder clinic. I am a few kgs under weight. I can’t sleep, I have tingling pains, eye pains, yellow skin, low blood pressure (always been an issue but worse now), headaches, worsened depression, can’t feel much, palpitations, can’t move due to severe fatigue, leg pains (I do take vitamins) and I have been forcing myseld to eat but can’t cook so have eaten microwave rice, microwave vege soup, bread, bananas, nuts, dried fruit etc as mentioned before. This makes me feel very guilty. I hate carbs as they add up quick and don’t like eating nuts much due to fat and how quick they add up with calories. Crackers were another staple for me. I felt bad if I overindulged as yesterday I couldn’t stop myself eating raisins. These are carbs and I know anorexics hate carbs and fats but these were easy foods for me to eat. Last night was the “end all” for me. I was in this mental battle in my mind of “eat don’t eat eat don’t eat” and felt I was going insane. I felt I was losing my mind. I got out of bed and had salmon and rice till I was full. I felt guilty and wanted to make that up by semi fasting today but it didn’t work out for me. I felt I needed food. I today had quinoa porridge, two bananas,half a cup of cooked microwave rice, a nectarine, a slice of toast, microwave soup, two slices pineapple.... Half a cup of almond milk. I didn’t weigh all of it. I feel guilty and have it in my head to fast and get control back. But I’m too tired and exhausted to try. I want to do a day fast or two day fast. The longest I have been able to do is over a day. I also had vitamin pills I gained from today’s food and feel mad I didn’t weigh my rice. Where to from here? I like being this weight. I feel pretty .. even my mother has complimented my looks now and never did before (she is a borderline narcissist and gives mikes signals whether she likes me being this weight or not.. but doesn’t honestly care I feel she knows what is going on) and feel I need to keep the control. I’ve hated my eating issues all my life.. I’ve hated being called “fat” continuously and known as “fat (my name)” by a girl who endlessly tormented me. I find I can’t stop when I’m eating and I’m full and that is a big issue for me. I feel I need to learn control or control is a huge issue for me. I’ve read it is for many people with anorexia. I had a binging episode recently for two days. My mind and gut weren’t satisfied. I gained about a kilogram in two days. I feel slightly irritated about that still but at the same time not. Is this normal? Have I given up on guilt? Ive become completely numb to sadness since the respite. I don’t feel much at all anymore. I can’t cry or feel anything. Is this anhedonia? I can’t function at all. I have no energy or life. I last night badly wanted to die. I’m so empty and unhappy. I feel a weird sense of pride of being underweight. To me it is a sick but sad pride. I feel no true happiness about it but feel like I succeeded I guess.. I’ve been underweight, normal and obese now. It feels like I’ve been at every level and experienced it all. Part of me even wants to gain weight as weird as that seems. I feel very unstable mentally and feel dissociated... I lose track of time and feel the world isn’t real.. I feel I have lost “me” . The world feel unusual to me. It’s scary and awful. I’ve been told I could have cptsd. Which I relate to due to my painful upbringing in various ways. I feel no true love from my mother and she heavily enmeshes me, infantilises and verbally and even psychogically and emotionally abuses me to this day. My stepfather also abuses me. Since no hands are laid on me there is no system of support on how to flee them. I ended up at the respite after my mother abused me. I tried to take my life and a huge scene unfolded. where to from here?
  3. Jut started this medicine this week. I’ve been on escitalopram for about a year now and was suddenly switched at a respite. Will write again after a month to state any side effects/help it produces
  4. I got given this pill. It kind of made me feel relaxed. I took 1mg. I took another as I was allowed and felt then kind of detached and odd. But I liked how that felt for some reason. It does help calm my heart rate which is good. But doesn’t help sleep much.
  5. I feel like it is nothing but “shoulds” and things God does if you do this..but I haven’t seen evidence of ANY of that for 4 years..
  6. Christianity for me so far has been nothing but rules, pain, judgment towards me, exclusion and a certain way you have to strive for every single day. It was EXHAUSTING. It wasn’t works salvation for me..it was what the bible said to do. I felt guilt all the time. I especially felt guilty I wasn’t out in public doing this or that..like street preaching or giving..because I am severely shy. I felt I was going to hell as revelation says the fearful go to hell. The church cliques! They ruined it all for me! You can’t be quiet at church it seems.. I had written in books what I must do to be saved, what I must do..what I must do..just lots of things like that. It sounds like works salvation but I was doing everything I was reading in the bible. I thought I was a failure because I could never read the whole bible and still can’t. I felt like a failure as I felt uncomfortable giving in church..I felt like a bad person for believing my mother was a narcissist, I felt bad for not praying enough for others and felt God’s anger..just sadness and anger a LOT...even now I feel convicted for even feeling this way now. I just enjoy myself now and try to do fun non sinful things like watch clean cartoons. But don’t read the bible much due to anxiety from it
  7. I’m really just lost in a bubble right now.... I’m deeply depressed...I have gone away from God because Christianity and trying stressed me..having to read the bible...having to do this or that just made me sick. I feel traumatised and sick of scripture. I didn’t do this only as a form of “works salvation” I did this as a way to grt closer to God and learn from Him etc. I did this for three years. I was battered, bruised and miserable. Things worsened in my life and I have fallen. Christian music gives me a panic attack. I want to die every single day of my life. I don’t want to live. I have chronic pain which has worsened due to my long term bed use. I don’t work and don’t exercise. I just have stayed in bed for years. About 10 now since leaving school. Due to depression and no money..there is not much you can do. I’m codependent so didn’t know how to get myself fitness clothing without drama from my mother. I eventually got some pants and a shirt and walked some days but having one set of clothing made it hard to get it clean enough and also my hernia and depression made it hard to go for walks. I tried a group I got involved in (with mums help) and did badminton once a week. I made efforts and tried to improve my life. I developed venous insuffiency two years ago..and circulation issues which are over my legs, feet and even my arms. I also got obese and got a hiatus hernia which has given me severe pain I’ve been in hospital. I lost weight and am at a healthy weight now. This due to diet..not much exercise. I’ve made several attempts to exercise and did walk 30mins a day in the summer but it was so difficult..slowed down to like once a week and I eventually gave up on it. Some days I was near fainting and couldn’t breathe well. I want to walk where I am but having crippling social phobia means I’m having it tough walking on this very busy road due to my anxiety. I also am in a very messy place and no exercise gear without a huge search. I feel weak, tired and exhausted. I also have chronic neck pain which is so severe some day..headaches (nearly a year now) which were severe..waiting diagnosis on it. These headaches have altered my personality and memory and thinking..sleep and everything. I feel awful. I also have serious stomach issues and loads of skipped heart beats..fatigue...weird stuff. I’ve been under chronic stress, physical pain, emotional torment, spiritual torment and abuse for so many years and the stress has been massive the past few months I was a heavily sheltered child. I don’t blame my mum she did the best she could..but I have no idea what to do to fix things. I’ve been abused by all the professionals (like psychs) I have seen and everything I’ve tried (like the badminton) resulted in mistreatment. I also tried a computer course which turned sour. I needed help with all of these things by my mother to get enrolled. I’ve researched other things to do but can’t find anything. I did try postal studies but it was just too much for me mentally so I gave up. I had no support for it which I needed and my depression just didn’t want to do it. I also did home school when I was younger and that didn’t workout due to depression and lack of support and some mistreatment. I sometimes feel like my inner soul is dripping with pain due to the mistreatment I’ve had from drs, nurses, students, teachers, psychologists, councillors...everyone..I can’t even believe it is possible. I feel wounded and worthless. I was a shy, quiet, phobic, overweight and a basic learner at school. My mother is a narcissist and my stepfather is abusive too. My mother is my carer. I’ve tried going to respites for mental health but can’t get into them through self referral. I guess I’m going to try and see a councillor through my dr..just don’t feel overly keen on it because I’ve seen at least 20 people in my life.. every one was awful. I feel like Christianity and a relationship with God is so empty and one-sided and pointless. I can’t even pick up a bible without feeling sickness and anxiety and stress. I pray and my life has no means of escape. I don’t get God or a relationship with Him. I’ve tried for 3-4 years and I have not gotten wisdom. I have not become more aware or knowledgeable of God. I mean I know He provides me water, clothing, food and shelter and somehow I’m not completely bonkers. So He must be there but it just seems like I’m continually on the edge of a pirates plank with sharks below everyday...
  8. I feel like I’ve been so familiar with depression and trying to fight it for over ten years now..probably longer..(perhaps 17yrs) it just is so familiar to me and normal. It is like my comfort and my “friend”. “Living” would be impossible for me. I have tried to make my life better but nothing has worked. If I didn’t have depression I still don’t see the point of living. In the end you die anyway! Depression to me is like medicine in a sick and disturbing way I guess. It my form of comfort. It is my blanket and protection. It makes me numb to dying sometimes which is good for me..suffering from anxiety. I wish I felt male numb and so I wouldn’t fear death so much
  9. Thing is..getting mental health help in my country is so difficult. I have been waiting for months in the past..currently waiting again. I don’t want to see anyone again and am unsure if I can attend it as I’ve moved since then. If you are mentally ill you ring crisis lines and then they grt the police to escort you to hospital. One time they stripped me and put me in a cell for talking about harming myself. I am still (years later) traumatised by how I was treated.I was treated as a criminal.talked down to After the hospital assess you they send you home...no matter how suicidal you are. Then lots go on to take their lives. (Or **** others then themselves in some cases). It’s a huge thing in NZ. Beds are full. There are not enough resources. Something like 600 deaths from suicide last year and about 35000 (something like this) mental health calls to police in 2016. I applied for a respite they say they can’t help me...they won’t answer me when I ask why. Hospitals and police leave you as there is no there option. I just want a little rest. I’m mentally exhausted. It is so taxing when all you want is a little break away to breathe and you can’t even have that. Some of these therapists (if you can see one that is..) are sometimes looking like they need help themselves.
  10. It is disappointing I’ve had accusations already but I know it is hard to believe that literary..yes literary everyone has disliked me.
  11. I have never heard of cherry Greek yoghurt..sounds delicious
  12. I last had tomato soup with rice in it and whatever else..it was shop bought with a half slice of bread and an apple
  13. Nothing I lay in bed all day which is worsening my leg blood flow with CVI...(chronic venous insuffiency). I have issues preventing me from walking but I did give an attempt a few weeks ago. I did try kitchen marching a few days ago for 16 mins with side steps. It was slow speed but I tried. I feel exhausted since then and my right calve hurts from it still. We are in a cramped one room motor lodge (with three people 24/7 here) with no room to exercise..so I used the small space of the kitchen to do some movements as there is not enough around me. I can’t afford the gym .
  14. I’ve been on it for maybe two months. I’m on a low dose I take (10mg) every two days. I was drowsy with it so dr suggested this for some reason. I don’t want to go higher as I’m worried about weight gain so like it this way..despite my bad depression. I have noticed dream changes, chest pain and sleep paralysis of some sort and a weird drowsy attack..I’ve also had other junk but could be stress...oh and a racing heart with it but now bradycardia.....so,e of it might not be meds I have also had carb cravings with it which is really hard to control! I’m not winning..plus hunger! I find I wake a lot during the night..feel apathetic definitely don’t take it at nighttime..I once barely sleep (1 hour every night) for days..I took it in the mornings and it changed.
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