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Valk0010i

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  1. I think I fear death more for other people then myself. Like I fear what they would think and feel to my passing more then my own passing.
  2. Or show it, then falter, I started to fall into a relapse of depression while I was in the process of pursuing a relationship, it helped ruin the situation. Yeah, that can be pretty confusing to me. You have to be able to show a girl that you at least like them somewhat. Yeah tried explaining that to her, because she later told me she has had experience with that kind of thing. She seemed to buy the explanation but I still think it helped to get me permanently friendzoned by her because, im not some manly man in her eyes because of that. She knows exactly how I feel and how it relates to my actions. Guess it just wasn't meant to be. Lessons learned by it though were, never show weakness at the start, and try your best to seem perfectly well adjusted. I don't know. I just friendzone guys that seem overly nice and try to hard to get me. Just remember not all girls are the same. :) Probably a level of that too.
  3. Or show it, then falter, I started to fall into a relapse of depression while I was in the process of pursuing a relationship, it helped ruin the situation. Yeah, that can be pretty confusing to me. You have to be able to show a girl that you at least like them somewhat. Yeah tried explaining that to her, because she later told me she has had experience with that kind of thing. She seemed to buy the explanation but I still think it helped to get me permanently friendzoned by her because, im not some manly man in her eyes because of that. She knows exactly how I feel and how it relates to my actions. Guess it just wasn't meant to be. Lessons learned by it though were, never show weakness at the start, and try your best to seem perfectly well adjusted.
  4. Or show it, then falter, I started to fall into a relapse of depression while I was in the process of pursuing a relationship, it helped ruin the situation.
  5. Take what I say with a grain of salt, because im working through a similar issue myself. But I am starting to suspect at least in me, where I find reason to believe my diagnosis of bipolar extends back into teenage years and earlier, that i have gotten sort of so used to how I feel that, racing thoughts don't seem quite so racing, that irritability becomes normal, or feeling so happy that you just feel bliss for no reason, becomes normal. As I once said to my pychiatrist once, "I never knew what good sleep was till I started seeing you."
  6. yeah your going to be super lucky if you don't relapse, im on day 25 or so of no medication after cold turkeying, and its rough. Though in my case I did it mostly by choice because of doubts on diagnosis.
  7. Actually lithium just deadened my emotions a bit more then I would like after a few years of being on it. Lithium treated me kindly even at 1200 mgs. Serquol was what kicked my ass intellectually.
  8. Mostly it was diagnosis doubts, that and I was getting major brain fog.
  9. Hi Valk... I was in another tab and missed when you asked how I was in chat. So to answer your question, I am OK. See you around :)

  10. 23 for age I cold turkeyed my medication on april 22, three days of next to no sleep, then about a day or so of really bad depression, then a week and a half or so of feeling incrediblys stable. Last night was so bad, that I started seeing things and thinking the devil wanted me dead (im a atheist). I sort of passed out after getting myself really hammered to get the thoughts to stop and have spent most of today in a depressive daze. Im scared to tell people I cold turkeyed my medication. bad time with ssri's when all of this started in 2011 I took luvox around 17 and remember it as one of the most productive and nicer periods of my life. Medication and experience seems to ruin my memory as time goes one.
  11. I am not even sure if I should say this, but I will anyway. The only rational understanding i could find for that kind of wording was to say this. Mind you this is not what I necessarily think, but its the only rational I could find behind those words. Self Harming may be for dealing with emotions, but all that ends up happening is that you bleed, you still have to deal with the emotions. She is essentially saying self harm is a lousy coping mechanism because you don't really deal in a healthy way, you just make yourself bleed. The emotions end up still being there but coming to bother you in different ways, or ways that make you repeat the process. Again to repeat, this is not what I necessarily think, I don't really have a opinion on self harm because its never been a issue in my recovery. So please don't get upset with this post, my apologies if you do.
  12. I was dx'd bipolar a few months ago but the psychiatrist didn't want to commit to a classification due to me being put on mood stabilizers two years before by a nurse practitioner(not a mental health professional), in a attempt to get to not crash and burn and end up dead. I am starting to wish I just self destructed. I am tired of fighting what I can't understand. The only semi conventional hypomania or mania I really remeber is the few months before I got put on lithium. But if its caused by a antidepressant from what i understand it could just be a med side effect. I have always felt extremely mood and torrents of emotion. I have just been good at keeping it inside. Apparently that is abnormal for people with bipolar. When I was a kid, I used to have frequent cycles of depression, that would be contrasted by a variety of strong things like rage, religious obession, and some moments of when things were just amazing. Apparently this also makes no sense. This is all just confusing. I have never gone a night without sleep that wasn't for my own willpower, and I would always feel it, ya know like feel tired. And I also seem to sometimes only feel depressed for hours at a time, then things are alright or spectacular. But still, none of this often seems like what the bipolar 2 diagnosis and especially the bipolar one diagnosis, and apparently not otherwise specified is sort of the pychiatrical equilivent of a cop out. I don't want to be sick. I don't know why I can't seem to figure out why I am sick. Nothing ever makes sense. Its like i have this diseased moody pyche, that acts bipolar enough to be cyclical but not enough to fit a textbook defintion of anything. Its just so confusing. I just want to go off my meds for clarity. I NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH. I am just tired of feeling so confused and doubtful. Maybe I am bipolar not otherwise specified, but what is that anyway, except saying, we don't know whats wrong other then it comes and goes. Why does this crap have to be so hard? I just need to know.
  13. Yeah that is kind of what I am doing. I rarely post here anymore, but i am sort of really amazingly overjoyed about it and felt the need to brag.
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