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Everything posted by Hotaru

  1. Hotaru


    I might be able to help you with the recipes, if you'd like any help with ideas! What do you like to eat? :)
  2. I hear you both. "Get a support system!" is the throwaway solution of the week, it seems. Some of us, despite our best efforts to try - CAN'T find the right people to confide in. Sure, we can meet people and make friends, but it can take a long time before you trust someone enough to get the idea that they might want to be there for you if you need them. It's quite a jump, and not something that just happens overnight (at least not that I've ever experienced, at least). I want to gnash my teeth down to nubs when I hear people preaching the gospel of support groups magically changing them, too. I'm unable to find such a group, since I live in a country where fellow foreigners like me shun each other or go to the bar to drown their sorrows in alcoholism, and the local people are still unable to accept mental illness and depression are things that should not be ignored or brushed under the rug. That's not even to mention the problem with anxiety disorders that can stop people who need to reach out from doing it because they're too terrified to. I am one of these. It's all fine and well to tell someone to "be proactive", but for those of us with crippling anxiety, it just can't happen. People who haven't experienced it will never be able to empathize, and when they set to start impatiently lecturing you about how you're just "not trying hard enough"...yeah, that's when I tune out. Getting tired of people minimizing it. I wish I had the answer. I have no idea how to get a support system together. I have always tried to follow the golden rule of making good friends by being a good friend, but it usually lands me getting used and taken advantage of by the person I spend time trying to be a good friend to. So much for taking the initiative there. Here's hoping we can all get through this together. *hugs*
  3. Yes. I struggle on and off with FB all the time. I'm not one of those people who gets comments all the time on my posts, though it seems everyone else I see posting does, and that has always gotten to me. It makes me feel more lonely than I would normally. It's so easy to actively ignore people through FB, and you can really feel it when you're the one being ignored. I joined FB because I moved to a different country, and thought it would be a wonderful venue to keep in touch with what my friends and family were doing, but instead, it sometimes makes me feel more isolated. I spent about a year away from it after having become fed up with none of my "friends" caring about anything I posted (and no, it wasn't all depressive, negative, downer stuff people who aren't depressed refuse to tolerate), on top of the fact that I went out of my way to LIKE and comment on many of their posts because I valued them and did not want us to lose touch. I felt like I was overextending myself for people who just plain didn't care...yadda yadda, vicious cycle, etc. I have trouble with expecting people to treat me the way I treat them, though, so that's a big part of my problem. Still haven't figured out how to lower my expectations and STILL not feel cheated when giving.
  4. Thanks, you guys, and to those of you who PMed me. I really appreciate your reaching out to me. I will get back to you as soon as I can. This morning I took the opportunity to get out for a long walk to a local festival, to see if it would help me feel any better. As soon as I cool off and get rid of this sunstroke headache, I can start writing back. Thanks again for your kindness. Just taking it moment by moment at this rate.
  5. My summer funk is striking early, and I have nobody to talk to. I'm alone all day, and though I have students that I tutor, and enjoy my time with them very much, it's the times in between that are becoming unbearable. I've been weepy all day today, anxious, fearing the future, feeling completely helpless - and that's because I am. I live in a country that doesn't want to accept things like depression, so it's very difficult to find someone to help. There's also a language barrier, and those who can speak English and offer private practice are far away and cost a fortune, which I cannot under any circumstances afford. I can't do anything to get myself treatment, so I'm just living with and trying to deal with this from day to day as best I can. Just wondered if there was anyone out here on the forum who'd like to message or chat or anything. I can't get anyone around here to act as though they care much about me, and all I really need - even though it's so sad to have to admit - is a good hug, and someone to sit with me for a while and just listen and talk until I don't feel so alone and panicky. It's a very scary time, the last few days, and looks to get worse as I implode further. I promise I'm not a vampire. I talk AND listen. And care.
  6. Thanks, Hertz! I think you're right, but I just wish it wouldn't affect me so much. I've been hypersensitive to the tiniest things in the last few weeks...like even more than usual...and it's really driving me crazy. I'll try to post more here! :)
  7. Sorry about that. I started a blog, and also naturally kind of perked up as soon as the weather became good enough for me to get my ass outside and start walking again, so that's what I've been up to. I'm back here because....welllll.....I guess because I just feel sort of slobbery. I feel exhausted and sleepy and very sad. And nostalgic. This always seems to happen at this point in summer. Matsuri season means a few days of getting together with a bunch of people in my neighborhood and participating in the annual summer festival. I managed to ride it out the entire time, for both days this year, so I'm really happy about that. The thing is, it's such a downer once it's over... I don't know what my problem is with it, but I find that I tend to just become sad once our matsuri has ended. Like tearful and weepy, as if I'll never have the chance to do it again. Does that even make sense to anyone who might be reading? All of the signs that there was a cheerful festival start to disappear slowly in the days afterward. The banners come down. The signs come down. The lanterns are taken away. The offerings at the shrine disappear. The danjiri is put away, and the mikoshi are disassembled and stored for next year. I did walk by the shrine today and saw that the lanterns are still all up there, but they're gone from our neighborhood and the little satellite shrine nearby. It's as if a happy parade went by, and while it was passing, it filled me with so much joy, but then it started to fade off into the distance, leaving me feeling alone in a quiet I can't really figure out how to deal with. A LOT of anticipation comes with the start of summer here. At least for me. From about April, May, when it starts getting warm, I start looking forward to the events of summer. I mean, it's not QUITE over yet, as we have our last major matsuri in the city coming up next week...but I guess I'm getting the blues prematurely. One of the feelings i noticed was of being overcome with emotion at the kindness of our neighborhood leaders, who make sure the matsuri actually happens every year. They seemed really weary this time around, and I really felt for them. I know it can't be easy as the years go by, and nobody else seems to be stepping up to be groomed for the task, allowing them to eventually be able to retire from running it all. They just grin and bear it every year, no matter what, even in this miserable heat and humidity. I don't know...It feels like....some person who absolutely touches my soul comes to visit me for a few days. That person knows everything about who I am, and loves me anyway. They are kind and cheerful and show me a happy time. And when they leave, it's so sad, and I miss them so much...The sucking void left only amplifies how lonely I feel on a daily basis just to begin with. Meh....Hope I can get through this soon. It's really sapping my energy.
  8. Thanks, all of you, for your kind and helpful replies. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner! Everything you've all said makes sense, and I really appreciate you reaching out to me like this. I've had a few days off from lessons, and I've got two difficult ones coming up tomorrow. I don't want to quit, and I've come up with a way to work around a few of the problematic things, so here's hoping it'll actually work when I try to do it. I definitely own that I didn't firmly put my foot down when my time was up the last few times with one of my students. That's on me, I know. I've just got to be firmer about it and actually start packing up as soon as the timer goes off. I have to remember not to order a drink at the place we meet at, too, since having half a drink left was part of the problem one of the times. Just a donut, and be done with it. :) The friendly guy thing is solved, too, just as an update. I had a lesson with him a few hours after I posted this, and things were made a lot less ambiguous. It will be a solid teacher/student relationship, with no extracurricular hanging out. It's not the strangest thing in the world to become friends with a student or a teacher around here, though, so I hope I didn't give the impression that I was some kind of creepy predator. I think he might just have been saying things that came across as overly friendly (like: "We should go do this together! We should see this movie!" etc.) without realizing it sounded a bit more inviting than he had probably intended. It's a relief to know where we stand, and I'm fine with that! Thanks again for all of the kind replies! I'll continue on and see if things start to feel any better as I become more comfortable with my current students. :)
  9. A few weeks ago when I started teaching private students, I was in an up phase, feeling confident, and doing quite well with it. Starting about the beginning of last week, I crashed, most likely brought on by hormones, and I'm still feeling awful. Just depressed, anti-social, exhausted, my skin is broken out and I'm anxious about how I look. This job is about 80% to do with your appearance (yes, people are shallow), and I hate having to slather the concealer on - especially in this heat and humidity, where it tends to look greasy - to cover up my breakout. I've had a prospective student already take advantage of me and screw me over (that's the nature of the game - the only way you get any bites is to offer up a whole lot of potential for abuse - and just hope you get a few honest people here and there, I'm learning), another is a royal pain in the ass because she wants to learn, but can't be bothered making an effort to help herself...Not sure how exactly she expects me to just open her skull up and pour the knowledge into her memory bank...and another, while I enjoy chatting with him, manages to burn 3 hours with me, while only paying for one. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet, because he's a nice guy, but I'd almost rather just stop the student/teacher relationship with him and be friends if we're going to...well, be FRIENDLY. I'm on the fence about it, and it's driving me crazy. I'm just really triggered for reasons I can't put my finger on yet, by the apprehension about being taken advantage of and used. Especially by people I've only just met. When I signed up for this job, I had no idea these feelings would surface, so I'm trying my best to deal with them from day to day in a meaningful way. It's a terrible struggle, and I've felt like just canceling on all but one of my students, who is smart, doesn't push my boundaries, and actually works with me on our material so he can get ahead. But I can't. I can't just give up. I've only been doing it going on 2 months now. I'm supposed to be enjoying it, and the idea was to get out and actually be around people, rather than hiding in the house and being miserable. It's the very reason I signed up for the job! To meet and have contact with other people and try to feel as if I were actually worth something in the meantime, rather than just sitting on my ass being useless. I don't know when this low point is going to lift, or IF it will. I'm worried that I'll end up destroying the situation entirely, and drop back into just being alone with nobody to talk to again. I really love doing the teaching. It's just that right now I'm feeling terribly insecure and incapable. I don't know how to mentally push myself past it, EVEN THOUGH I know that it's just my depression trying to scam me and drag me back down into the pit I was in before. Does anyone have any ideas of how to push through this horrible time and just continue to meet all of my students and just DEAL until I feel better about myself...or even if I never do? I hate it so much. How dare I do this to myself after beginning so well??
  10. Hi Scatter, I hope you'll pop up and say HI some day soon. :) Miss you!

  11. I've been in a bad way. Hazy, lethargic, unable to feel joy, afraid, depressed, feeling pathetic and totally useless. All of the rest of them are speeding past me, all of them better than I am. I can't catch up. I'll always be behind. People don't connect anymore. Optimistic deniers who tell you what they think will shut you up, with a smile on their faces. They need someday to truly have something bad happen to them, which will wipe that smug bulls*** clean off them. Tired of feeling isolated, and every effort I have made to change that has not worked. Facebook is, confirmed yet again, full of a******s. It's all you scratch my back over there. Actual friendship has nothing to do with the way people communicate with each other, that I've experienced. Perhaps the rest of you all have better quality "friends" and family members than I do. I don't want to talk about it. No. I do, but I don't have the energy to go into it right now. I just wish someone cared. I hate it.
  12. QUICK UPDATE: After taking the last few months to cool off, spend time away doing other things, and just generally get over my negative feelings about what happened, I saw my old friend again this week for the first time since Thanksgiving. It was a nice reunion. It helped that we both had a lot going on in the meantime, and we could talk about those things together. We both apologized to each other wholeheartedly after such a long time. I really missed the good times I used to have with her, and I really meant it when I apologized for my part in it. I knew she was sincere too. We had a nice lunch together, and it really felt good to have her back in my life. I think we'll just start off slowly, and I'll refrain from inviting her to the house for any major events for a while, until we're comfortable with each other again. That said, there wasn't any strange feeling of resistance or awkwardness when we met up again - it was just like old times. I just don't want to create a chance for something like this to happen again. We've vowed that we'd both communicate more clearly from now on, so there'd be no question what was going to be expected, eliminating the possibility of disappointment if something went wrong. I think it's a good solution. I'm a very sensitive person, and I often find that I'm parting ways with friends after being hurt and unable to resolve it, so I'm glad I hung in there, took it a step at a time, and have been able to work this out with her. It also helped that she's a forgiving person who doesn't drop friendships in an instant as soon as there's a little trouble. I think people do that more and more nowadays, just adding to the general feeling of apathy between each other. We were both willing to persevere and put the whole thing behind us, and I'm really happy we did.
  13. It is, mostly for men, but that's because so little is expected of women. There's all kinds of messed up (mostly having to do with the attitudes of some Japanese wives, who have no empathy whatsoever for the situation their husbands are in) with that dynamic, too, but they'll never change it. I'm working out the coffee shop issue! I did go this last time and just got a tea and sat there knitting. As long as I've got some remnant of an order on my table while I'm spending hours and hours there, it's ok. I think I just couldn't really get past the idea of going to Starbucks only to order....tea. XD There's the issue of overcrowding to consider, too, though, and I'm pretty sensitive to it. Sometimes those places get really crowded, but there are people who will sit there for hours with no order at all, just gabbing mindlessly and taking up space, not giving anyone else a chance to sit with their own order and enjoy themselves. I don't want to be That Guy. Or girl, to be specific. XD I feel that I need to at least order something, and if it starts to get busy and I've already been there a few hours, I'll pack it up. I think it would be different if there were more public places to sit and relax. They don't really have benches around this city. You have to make sure you go out to a park for that, and that can be inconvenient, not to mention exposing you to the elements - and that's not something you want 3/4 of the year around here. ;)
  14. Maybe I'm just my toughest critic. I often feel like I've let myself just sit here, mouldering away for the last 6 years, even though when I reach certain points of rock bottom, I do manage to pull myself up by the bootstraps (provided at least minimal support - as in, not having my life or place to live imminently threatened) and take action. On the fly yesterday, a friend helped me set up an interview at a grocery store. I had told her about how desperate I was to try to find appropriate work for myself, and what was holding me back from applying to our local grocery chain. She picked up the phone and waved me off, confident that my worries for for naught, and the next thing I knew, I had an interview set up for today at 4pm. I was scared to death all through the rest of yesterday and most of today, but I still got my hair cut, dyed, picked out something to wear, got some eyeliner that works, read up on, found a template for, printed up and filled out an actual Japanese resume (first time I'd had to do that). I'd even picked out two books, giving tips on the interview process, and how to use keigo (uber-polite, business Japanese used by underlings to speak to bosses and other higher ups), and picked out what I knew I'd need from them as quickly as I could. I ironed my outfit, hung it up and went on to search the internet for more interview techniques. Found some really helpful phrases, actually, that I can use in daily life, too, so that was helpful. I got to the interview early, and was whisked away to the back room without even a chance to properly introduce myself the way I had been practicing. I sensed he was in a rush, so we sat down and I whipped out my resume and handed it to him in the expected way. From the start, he gave off a doubtful vibe, which made me feel even more nervous than I was to begin with, but I did my best to answer his questions. It's just plain difficult when you're coming out of a career, and then applying for an entry level, minimum wage position in an entirely different field. He was clearly puzzled by how my resume didn't have years of history working in retail of any kind, but instead, every other kind of job that was unrelated. Can't say I blame him, but it was disheartening to realize that he was not in the mood to give me a chance anyway. Then he spotted my tattoo. It was the most convenient excuse to quickly end the interview, since tattoos (among the older generation, at least) are associated with the mafia, here. Even though I look like someone's sweet little old aunty. Even though I was dressed nicely, spoke softly, was well groomed and was on my best, most proper interview behavior. I could somehow be mistaken for a mafia member....Right. Well, that's Japan for you, isn't it. My tattoo, by the way, is of a small branch of plum blossoms on the top of my left hand. It's the only tattoo I have, and I got it while still working as an artist, shortly after my mother died, in her honor. It wasn't just a spur of the moment kewl kid whim when I got it. I've been complimented on it by plenty of Japanese in the years I've lived here, and it's never caused anyone to gasp in fear or run away from me. I guess because it's a forbidden fruit in this culture, it holds some fascination with some people. I learned for sure, this time, though, that it's bad for anyone trying to get into the retail business. In my heart of hearts, I knew this was coming, so it wasn't a huge shock, but I politely reacted as though I was a bit surprised that it would be an issue, and as if I had no idea about the stigma of tattoos in some circles here. The reason he gave was this: The chain I applied to is regional, and the stores are small and generally placed in the middle of residential neighborhoods. They like to project the image of being safe and family oriented, so if some old biddy regular or some kid happened to see my tattoo and complain to management that they saw a full on gangster working for their store, it would obviously be a very bad thing....Y'know, seeing as how I look about as vicious and bloodthirsty as a 3 week old kitten. Old ladies and housewives around here can sometimes be gossipy shrews, with nothing better to do but poke their nose into the business of others, too, so I can definitely understand how this could very well happen. I was quickly ushered out through the back of the store after the sight of the tattoo shut the interview down, and I made my way back home. Like I said, I've been warned before that my little tattoo might be an issue, so I knew going in that it was a possibility, but I wanted to see for myself. I wanted to continue in my systematic (if slow) process of leaving no stone unturned where looking for work is concerned, here. I have had jobs in this country before, so tattoos aren't a problem in ALL fields, but you really have to run into the right opportunity to have it overlooked. That's really rare. Especially for someone who doesn't get out and socialize much. It just depresses me now to think that my only work option might very well be things revolving around selling myself as a foreigner. Tattoos are ok, apparently, in a situation where foreigner = cultural diversity, and that's what someone is there to experience. Problem is, I've had some experience teaching English before, and hated it. I'm doing my best to avoid it as much as I can, unless I could luck into a job teaching adults. I hate kids for the most part, so I'd rather do anything else before submitting to that. So I'm feeling around as best I can. It's a disappointment, even though I knew what might happen. I can't help but feel down about it. Yeah yeah, at least I tried. I was so drained when I got home, I had to take a quick disco nap before starting dinner tonight. I feel like I might even retreat to my bed and not come out for the next few days, feeling defeated. It can really suck to be judged as a Bad Person based on an accessory. I feel terrible for all Japanese men, if you don't mind my going into a semi-related rant. Remember I mentioned buying a few books to help my business speaking? Even though they're pretty accessible manga essays, there are images of salarymen and office ladies in one of the books, presented in different situations. Some of those situations include how to cope with being screamed at, disciplined and abused by your boss. ALL of the situations involve properly kissing ass. What little boy who is born in this country imagines as a 7 year old that they're going to go on to filter through this kind of life? Some of the drawings in the book actually make me want to cry when I see them. Especially the ones depicting shame and anxiety on the part of the poor employee who dun fokked up and is either anticipating being berated, or is in the middle of it. Most of the rest of them depict the new hire as akin to a little puppy, following the boss around, and acting interested in every word they say. It would be one thing if all bosses were worthy of that kind of respect, but I know for a fact that some of them ARE NOT. They climb the ladder after dealing with years of the power abuse of the system, and then go on to dole it out tenfold on their new charges. It's disgusting how a man has to humiliate himself to survive in business here. And if you don't become yet another salaryman cog in the wheel, you can go be a cog in a factory - which is about as civilized as the workhouses of the Victorian era. I'm not exaggerating. There's a reason Japanese have a reputation for working themselves to death. Human rights are seriously lacking in the workplace, here. You conform and agree to be a slave for your company - or go be homeless. Like I've said before, I'm not at all surprised at how many people throw themselves in front of trains nearly each week in this country. Who the hell wants to live this way??
  15. Thanks Blue, and what a lovely avatar!!! Blue is my favorite color - all shades of it. :) I hear you about the lazy and not wanting to get out of bed. I spent most of January and February napping every afternoon to the point where I really started to wonder what was wrong with me. The only improvement I've had so far is that at least it's light out when I wake up in the morning now. It helps, but I still sometimes need to collapse and go to sleep in the afternoons. Trying to stay active, though! This is the worst winter I've had...probably ever. I can't think of a worse one, now that I'm really thinking about it. I'm terrified of gaining too much weight from the lethargy, because it will make me feel so miserable once it comes time to break the spring clothes out and find that I can't FIT in them!! Here's hoping I can just try to keep things level. Nothing wrong with coloring! I used to draw and color for a living, so to me that sounds pretty natural. My thing is knitting, lately, but I can't stand being in the house for too long now, so I'm trying to get out to exercise more. Thanks so much for your kind reply! There have got to be more of us out here on the forum who are feeling it, too! Hope to hear from more of us!!!
  16. Just wondering if anyone else out there is being severely affected by the extended, extra cold winter many of us seem to be experiencing around the world. I'm so sick of it, I could scream, but I guess all we can do is wait it out a little longer. I'm getting a little tired of hearing about how just hopping out into the sunshine like a little snow bunny will make it magically disappear, too. It doesn't seem to work that way for me, at least. It helps temporarily, yeah, but as soon as I get stuck back inside again, it's back to feeling crappy. :( How are you getting along, now that the holidays are long behind us, and all we can do is wait out this awful COLD?? Finding anything good to keep up your spirits?
  17. I really hate this winter. It WON'T go away. It's freezing cold again, which means I have to bundle myself up like a tick about to pop, or stay grounded inside again. I can't go anywhere I want to, even now that I've got a little money, because I'm still restricted until the beginning of April (see past posts, if you're curious, referring to uncle's death), and getting dressed up to go out for a walk to nowhere is a waste of time, I feel. I've also been out of yarn, and waiting on an order for over a week now, so I can't keep working on my sweater, and that's driving me nuts. When I'm knitting, my fingers are busy so I stop picking my skin, scratching my scalp, or any other of the many nervous habits I've developed over the years. I need to get back to it. The yarn should be here either today or tomorrow, but I have HATED the waiting. The happiest I've been able to feel has been when I went to Starbucks Monday morning. I sat down with some magazines I bought the day before and just read and studied them (kanji). I love being AROUND people, even if I don't know them. Just knowing that there are others around me is enough to keep me in a good mood - but what am I to do? Go to a donut or coffee shop every single morning?? Not only will I look like a freak, but I'll get fat from their fatty lattes and pastries!! I can't just go in there and order nothing, you know? For me, it seems like even a single donut or pastry and a single cup of coffee or tea will make me gain weight, and if I were to do it every day, or even every other day, it would be a very bad thing for my health that way....yet, it helps my emotional health - which one should win out? Save my sanity, lift my non-stop depression for a few hours, or stay isolated in the house with nothing but the mother******* internet, full of snarky a******s, with nothing to do but dust or vacuum....ohhh god. I'm trying to get back into Japanese study, but it's slow going. I'm just feeling to low to concentrate. I can't get hold of my counselor, either. Her mailbox is bouncing emails, and I can't manage to get myself to call. These phone numbers always make it sound like someone who is even slightly able to understand English will answer the phone and get you to who you need to talk to, but more often than not, it's not like that at all, and I don't have the energy right now to put on my most formal of Japanese and be polite as pie. I just need someone who will understand me to answer. I tried getting back into Disgaea, but the level grinding in the post game is boring the s*** out of me. I'm not into cooking, and I can barely figure out what to put on my body to wear. I just don't care right now, because each cold-ass winter day is just as ******* cold as the last, and it's always the same - I have to layer myself in the most ugly clothing a woman can put on her body, just to stay reasonably warm. I hate it. I have some energy, but my interest in doing anything is totally gone. That leaves me with idle hands, and a brain full of thoughts of the past I'd rather not go back to. I'm torturing myself remembering the bad things I've done, or the way I've cut ties with people I used to have fun with, or anything else painful, and I don't have any distraction for it anymore. I've tried going into the chatroom but it's rare when anyone in there actually wants to talk about something real going on inside their heads. Just a bunch of small talk bulls*** designed to distract - even though it's a depression chat room. When it's not that, it's condescending religious crap nobody needs to hear about when they're going through a difficult time and couldn't give a rat's ass about things that are all very easily preached, and much more difficult to do. When it's not THAT, it's silence. People either private messaging each other, or just not talking at all. ***?? Very hard to start up conversation in cases like that. Thank dog, there are a few wonderful people I've met in there. I wish they'd turn up more often - I enjoy communicating with them so much. I'll just have to keep at it, and keep waiting. Filter out the noise is key, I guess.
  18. A couple of caricatures: Yuzuru Hanyu (he won the gold medal for Japan in men's figure skating...man is he beautiful!), and a man who needs NO introduction, our very own Antoine Dodson. ;) I'm rusty, so they're not my best work by any means, but somehow I'm satisfied enough with them not to hate them, or myself for not doing better. :) http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/gallery/image/7457-yuzuru-hanyu/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/gallery/image/7458-antoine-dodson/
  19. Nothing special, I just haven't blogged in a while. I'm trying really hard not to be freaked out about how many elements of my day are exactly the same, day after day after day. Especially how I interact with my husband. I've never quite experienced that before, but maybe that's just how marriages get dull. Still, I'd rather monotony than something horrible to happen that would shake up my foundation and destroy our current situation. Right now I'm at a point in my life where I NEED this routine to stay the same. Hopefully it will for a very long time, dull or not. I've been sketching more, recently. I drew a little bitty of character art for Yuzuru Hanyu and stuck it on his FB page. He shared it and it got tons of likes, so I'm thrilled with that. :) I took to sketching our beloved Antoine Dodson, yesterday. He's such a fantastic subject because of his exaggerated features, and the flamboyant way he acts really plays them up. I really like his eye shape, too. Very expressive - a character designer or animator's dream model! At Disney, we used to do exercises where we take pieces of dialogue and animate to them, according to what we heard. I remember doing one of Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh (never finished or submitted it, though), using a clip from something else the same voice actor did. If I had the stamina and were able to put my concentration into it, I'd love to do the same for Antoine Dodson. Just draw up a little model sheet, then go to town, animating the bed intruder news report. My sweater is coming along, but I have to admit I'm a bit burnt out. I'm also on my last ball of yarn. The back is finished, and I'm just about getting ready to finish one sleeve. This'll leave me about a week to rest, once I'm finished, before I can blow my entire little allowance on more yarn...Starting to wonder if knitting is becoming a bad thing. I think I'll definitely have to cut back a bit once the weather becomes warmer, in favor of going out to get physical exercise. I've been really achey lately. I feel like I'm constantly PMSing for about 3 weeks straight, now. My endo hurts. Every single day I have lower back pain, and it feels like my period will start any minute, even though it doesn't. I did not hear back from my doctor about my pap results, so I'm going to assume that he saw nothing unusual. Certainly nothing alarming. I will be p***** as all hell if I go there on Monday and he ends up surprising me with horrifying news. I ******* HATE my medication. I'm on a very low dose BC pill, which apparently just keeps the endo at bay (the important part is that it stops the excruciating pain that otherwise accompanies each period once a month), but god help me if I take it an hour or two later than usual every morning. I bloat up and THIS is what happens. Days of feeling like my period is about to start - cramps, back pain and all. It's because of Sundays, when I sleep in. I need to start to remember to take my medicine up to the bedroom with me so that when the alarm goes off, I can just swallow the damn thing and go back to sleep. Whenever I'm in this mode, I am constantly hungry, in pain, overly emotional, and because it's to mother******* COLD to go outside to work off the anxiety, I end up inside freaking out and examining my hideousness in the mirror too often. I really do hate my appearance so much. It's not getting any better as I quickly age. It scares me, because I don't know how I'll cope once I really start looking like an old bag. I can hardly stand it as it is, and it's only at the beginning. I don't know how women do it, honestly. So yeah. Right at this second, I'm sitting upstairs in my sunny room, but it doesn't much matter because my back is ******* me, I'm all bloated and cramped up with no relief in sight, and I'm just trying to stop freezing my ass off in here. The heater is on, but I will need to keep wearing 3 layers of clothing to be able to feel close to comfortable. I'm at that point in winter where I cannot stand all these layers. I am done with this crap!! I know, I know...I'll be Biotching about the heat and humidity, come July. Hopefully then, though, I won't be sleeping all afternoon, every day, at least. Besides eating, all I ever want to do is sleep all day. I even aborted a walk in progress yesterday because I got so tired after lunch, I could not make it to my proposed destination. I'm really ashamed of myself for that because I've never given up like that before. I just couldn't help it. I went back home and slept for 3 hours. In the middle of a sunny day. What the hell is wrong with me? OH - one more thing. I applied for a stupid English teaching job. Just for s***s and giggles, really. It was at a thing called a "chat cafe." It boasted of one on one chats the locals can have with foreigners in English or whatever other language. I can deal with adults and one on one lessons - I'm totally cool with that - so I figured I'd go ahead and apply. When I was contacted about the interview, it turns out it's going to be "group" style. Not only group style, but during an International Party....GOD. If there's anything I hate, it's those meat markets. What it means is that I'd have to sit there, in a group of bright, shiny, 20-something exchange students, ALTs, etc. and stand out from the crowd. That's...not me. I'm not in the mood to be a performing monkey, or prove that I'm physically attractive enough to get customers to gravitate toward me. **** that s***. The point of the interview being conducted in this way is for exactly that. To see how aggressive you can be with the mingling customers. These schools love to get Attractive Foreign Men to turn up and get the empty-headed female clientele to fall in wuv with them. It's what they bank on, as a matter of fact, and I am NOT up to it. Gold digging chicks mostly go there to try to hook up with foreign guys, hoping that they'll whisk them back to their countries and live out the fantasy of the rich, Charisma Man lifestyle with them. I've been through this crap already, too, at another school. My first and ONLY school so far, because I became so disgusted by how I realized these places operate, I never wanted to ever do that again. I pray I may never ever have to again, either. They hire some loud, alpha male type to lure in the women customers. He gets treated like gold, while the women on the staff are there for filler. Pretty Alpha Man will always be the star of the show, and the anchor for the school's survival, so anyone else had better enjoy playing second fiddle, and not being valued whatsoever. He gets to break the rules whenever he likes, while everyone else gets chastised for not arranging their shoes correctly in the gankan, or following some other minuscule rule of etiquette. The double standard is demeaning as hell, and no self respecting person who knows that they've actually got something more going for them would bother putting up with it. I know I'm a good English teacher in one on one situations, or even in small groups with adults who are focused (you couldn't pay me enough to "teach" a group of feral crotchlarvae, but that's another story). I won't settle for being shunted aside like chopped liver, assigned to grunt work to clean up after the golden boy, in addition to my own lessons. So yeah, that's all for now. XD Back to the pain, and I'll try to get this sleeve finished today, then see if I can drag my sorry ass outside for a walk once it gets a tad warmer. We do actually have a warming trend coming up, following the weekend, so to be honest, I'm psyched! :) Here's hoping for some energy!
  20. I wish I knew the answer to this. I'm not good at keeping up friendships - even when I try really hard to seek people out IRL! I often find online friendships something I end up putting more effort into than the party on the other end, too, so only end up drifting away from those most of the time, too. I wish I could say that I'm happy being totally alone day after day, but I'm not. I crave the companionship of a good friend. Someone to go out on hikes with, take train trips with, just go to the cafe and chat with. Nothing heavy - but I just can't seem to maintain these things - EVEN THOUGH I'm good at meeting people, and always seem to start off making a good first impression. Sucks.
  21. As a very young child I showed many traits of autism, but I managed somehow to uncloud and escape from the haze by about 5th grade. Didn't matter, though, since I'd already spent all of the previous school years being bullied. Started to go from being introverted to acting out by about Jr. High. Became very mean and sarcastic. Always the weird artistic one in the family. Was forced to separate from my only friends when my mother decided to make me to go a religious high school. Father died a few days before my first day at the new high school. Started hanging out with The Wrong Crowd. Ran away from home the summer after my junior year, to another country. Came back about 4 months later. I really started to hate my mother, I guess because I was seeing her as a human being, and not the Supreme Being Mother figure, now. Formerly close siblings became distant due to shooting out offspring.
  22. The Cure is my favorite band. Ever. Period. :)
  23. I really agree with you! I know, now there's a backlash going on whenever something has a big revival, but...well....I've never experienced anything like pop music as it was in the early to mid 80s. I love the bands that try, and do a pretty good job to replicate it! :) Thanks for your comment, too! I was feeling a bit awkward at the silence. Like I'd poured my heart out too much and was scaring people away or something. ;) I guess I just get this way about music sometimes.
  24. What RHYL said. Absolutely. If not for those beautiful things we can see all around us in nature (except in winter, when everything's basically dead, yep!), I don't know what I'd do with myself. We don't have much money, either, and I have not been able to find a suitable job, so all I really have is to go outside and try to enjoy what's out there. I consider it a privilege to be able to have the precious time to do that, while mostly everyone else spends their days inside office buildings or factories or other places where sometimes the light of day can't even be seen. This time is a gift, as far as I'm concerned, because if something worse happens, I will no longer be able to pick and choose, and might be forced to take a job I will hate, should that time come. I can't believe A DOCTOR would have criticized you for your interests! Especially those where nature is involved! ...Then again, maybe I can. Doctors can sometimes be extremely thoughtless in the things they say... Anyway, I think you've got your priorities straight. There's nothing at all for you to be ashamed of! :)
  25. Ah crap, I wonder if it is!! I'm sorry about that - I'll just check and see what the problem is, and empty it out! :)
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