Rincewind

I took down the Christmas tree and vacuumed up the needles. And I went to the gym this morning for a light workout.

I love this advice! And I've also encountered therapists who saw every problem as a nail, just because they were holding a hammer. (*shudder*)

Thanks, JLM. I looked it up on Kindle and it sounds intriguing. I'll give it a try and report back. This forum is really an amazing source of support.

Whoa, Nisemono - way to harsh. Even if the origin of dreams is completely organic, the discussion of them during therapy can be very productive. In therapy, as in most things, one size doesn't fit all, and some people react well to a pure or modified Freudian approach

I wrote this six years ago, and it's interesting to see how I've changed since then. As you can see, I was a pretty hard-core Stoic, because that's a good philosophy when you're just trying to manage the pain. But God has become a lot more personal to me over the years, mostly because I've started to feel the Spirit's presence in me. I'm still a Quaker, and wouldn't be comfortable in more doctrinaire churches, but now at least i know what a Baptist means by "Accept Christ into your life." Depression still sucks, but I'm starting to get little boosts from outside myself. YAY!

Many thanks to everyone who took time to respond here - I really do value your insights and good wishes. I tend to agree with Steve74 and JLM1980 about peoples' reactions to my depression. If I can summarize their internal thoughts: "That guy lying on the couch sure looks like Bruce." "And he sounds like Bruce." "But he sure isn't acting like Bruce." "What the heck is going on here?" And from there, cognitive dissonance takes over and the world starts feeling very spooky for them. Then, because they're upset and they love me, they come over to try to put the world right. And because I love them, it's really better for me to take a long walk, or go to a movie, so we can let the tension out of the air.

(Yes, this topic has come up before - I did search - but those threads are old and stale, so I'm re-starting it.) I find that one of the hardest parts of being depressed is managing the anxiety of those around me, and one of the hardest bits of that is reassuring them that you're feeling okay, even when you're not. My family and friends know and accept that I'm depressed, but they really don't like seeing it in action. Sometimes sitting catatonic on the couch and playing solitaire for hours is just what I need to do, but well-meaning people start hovering over me, checking on how I feel and "why don't we play a game of cards to distract you". So, because I love them, I go along and pretend that it's just the thing that I needed. Great - now I feel like a liar, as well as depressed. The topic of dark thoughts is completely off the table, except with my therapist, because everyone freaks out, despite my attempts to convince them that ideations are not the same as plans, and my thoughts of self-harm are really, really annoying but not scary (at least to me). Really, I'm getting so weary of this charade on top of everything else I'm trying to manage. It's all for love, but it's a burden anyway.

Hello Luke18 - This sounds pretty familiar to me, though your situation seems to be worse than I'm used to. I've always explained it to people as having your emotions packed in cotton wool. Everything is muted: joy, anger, love, and all the other emotions, so I live life within a very narrow range of feeling - no great lows but no great highs either. If I can offer some advice from a long experience, it's best not to jump to a diagnosis too quickly and tell yourself, "this is what I have." First, it's easy to be wrong if you're using the internet to get diagnostic data - it's really you should explore with your Pdoc or therapist. Second, if you identify "my diagnosis" too early, you tend to box yourself into a single set of responses. So, as you start to work on this (you are working on it, aren't you?) say just what you did: "I have very few strong feelings." Later on you can give it a name and start a specific treatment. Best of luck to you - I hope that you get a good helper and that things start opening up.

If my experience is anything to go by, you should take it nice and slow. I tried to rush things and the tapering was very unpleasant. But, when my Pdoc told me to stretch it out over three weeks, taking breaks when things got intense, it improved a LOT. It's not much fun, but it does end - just pace things to your own speed. Oh, and pamper yourself during the process.

A line from Driving Miss Daisy: "I'm doing the best I can."

I'll be starting the rTMS on Monday 11/16. Man, this is going to be expensive: $200 per visit x 5 visits per week x 4 weeks runs to $4000, and no insurance to help out. I sure hope this works...

I don't get more creative when the Black Dog comes to visit, but by ability to concentrate and to focus intently on a problem goes way, way up. I suppose this might make it look like I'm more creative, just because my productivity (I'm a programmer) goes up.